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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To believe that my heart is on the floor...but I'll be a mum?

110 replies

BluesandTrues · 11/05/2025 16:13

Hello everyone.

Please hold my hand.

I'm 33.5. No kids. No partner.

Someone I was with for 7 months was a pathological liar and it all blew up this weekend. I ignored red flags and when I confronted him, he turned cold and left me. I literally told him I'd forgive him, but the lies need to stop. He ended it and refused to even alknowledge the reason we weren't together anymore. Just called himself a bad guy and said I deserved better.

I know it's only 7 months but when you feel time is running out to have a baby and you found your person (at the start)... this burns.

I tried to pace myself with him but he truly love bombed me.

I've spent the past few days an anxious, depressed, manic mess. Missing the good morning texts. Missing the cuddles. Missing the attention.

I believed for the past few days I'd missed out on someonething that I have every proof would have driven me insane....BUT he was already slowly driving me insane....The anxiety just became a part of me and my day...and although I know I'll be shaken up for a while...I've just had a lightbulb moment. I will be ok...surely?

I really want to be a mum and find someone. More than anything.

Happy ending stories after something like this are much needed and welcome. I haven't gone into detail about the lengths of his deciet but he made up people, friends, jobs, events, conversations, scenarios, where he was all the time, his living situation....all of it. Gaslit me in every aspect of the word.

I really am quite low but that glimmer of hope I feel deep inside is something I need some encouragement with.

AIBU to deep down believe that I'm still young, I will be a mum and find someone, and I will smile again? Or do I need to accept that it may just not happen?

OP posts:
LurkyMcLurkinson · 11/05/2025 17:48

I can assure you there is time yet for your happy ending, with kids and a partner. If you want it though you’re going to have to get better at weeding out the shit ones so you can find the right person and not waste your time on the wrong one. Reading attached (a book about attachment) and overcoming low self esteem, and completing the freedom programme online will put you in a much better position. I’d also explore therapy if you can afford it.

Original poster
BluesandTrues · 11/05/2025 17:37

@BlahBlahBittyBlah I do not want single motherhood right now but in a few years it may be on the cards....

I really want to share my life with someone.

Genuinely.

OP posts:
GuevarasBeret · 11/05/2025 17:37

BluesandTrues · 11/05/2025 16:27

@Snickersnack1

Bless you for your honestly...I think the depression is partly from being gaslit into thinking that 33 is the same as being 21 when we all know that isn't true. Thanks for giving me hope and a kick up the arse too. Thank you.

You’re right 33 is not 21. You are wiser, and knew to enforce your standards. You have set yourself a great benchmark for all future relationships.

I know it hurts now, but be glad that liar is out of your life.

Original poster
BluesandTrues · 11/05/2025 17:36

@JudgeBread It's spine tingling how much you hit the nail on the head. I didn't want the post to be 373636366363636 paragraphs but he is a divorced dad of two and the messages I saw on his phone between him and the ex are spine curdling. He was a horrid dad behind the scenes....saying he would take his son to football then flaking all week...randomly picking them up from school when he felt like it...no structure...his kids would be in tears wanting to see him...all while telling me that he was trying to see them and she was a mean woman. Meanwhile she's begging him to come. When I tell you the lies were ....diabolical.

OP posts:
proximalhumerous · 11/05/2025 17:33

No-one can tell you for sure, but you have as good a chance as anyone else in your position.

KimberleyClark · 11/05/2025 17:31

BlahBlahBittyBlah · 11/05/2025 16:29

You really don’t want to be a mum if it’s with someone totally unsuitable who will make you miserable. The idea of running out of time can make you settle for less than you deserve. If it’s the most important thing to you, you can look at ways to make it happen without a partner. Or you can concentrate on finding someone who makes you happy and take it from there. Kids may happen or they may not. I know this is mumsnet, but kids aren’t always necessary for you to have a happy life.

Absolutely this. Your OP sounds like you want to be a mum more than you want a partner.

Katemax82 · 11/05/2025 17:29

You are still young..I had babies 3 and 4 aged 36 then 42...don't lose hope

Original poster
BluesandTrues · 11/05/2025 17:25

@Agapornis Thank you so so so so much. I know I'll feel horrid on and off but I also know it's for the best. I don't really get out much.

I'm thinking of bouldering, some run clubs and padel? I need to be active Ive spent years inside....I didn't go outside unless it was to meet him!

OP posts:
JudgeBread · 11/05/2025 17:20

I think you need to be careful my love. The level of desperation you have for a child almost led you to have a baby with an awful, awful man. I don't want to kick you while you're down, but that would be a horrible thing to do to a child. Don't let your desire for a baby cloud your judgement, you've got ages yet, I know women in their mid forties still having kids.

Relax. Don't have kids with the kind of man who will leave said kids needing therapy in the future, you'd be better off doing it by sperm donor than tethering children to a shit father. Focus on you, your strength, your self worth. You've shed a dead weight by drawing a line under this relationship and you should be proud of that - now learn from it and head into the future with the mindset that you deserve better.

Original poster
BluesandTrues · 11/05/2025 17:15

@Twizzlelolly Thanks lovely.

OP posts:
Agapornis · 11/05/2025 17:13

You're fiiiiine

You know that 'statistic' that claims your fertility radically drops off at 35? It's based on French church records from the 1700s. 1700. Our healthcare and life expectancy has improved somewhat in the last 325 years!

In women aged 27-34, 86% will have conceived within a year of trying.
It's 82% for women aged 35 to 39 - only 4% lower. I'm sure we're all very fertile in our teens, but that doesn't mean it's a good idea to have babies. Don't attach yourself to an unsuitable father.

Have a read here:
https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/magazine-24128176

Idealised depiction of family life in 1700s

The 300-year-old fertility statistics still in use today

Doctors often say that one in three women aged over 35 will not have conceived after a year of trying. But this statistic, it seems, comes from the 18th Century...

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/magazine-24128176

Twizzlelolly · 11/05/2025 17:11

You are young. I had 2 children in late 30’s. Don’t lower your standards otherwise you will have more problems to worry about…..

Pessismistic · 11/05/2025 17:08

I think a lot of people change when they are in a new relationship as long as you never dump your friends for a bloke it will be ok. I’m sure it’s pretty normal waiting on texts and stuff.

Original poster
BluesandTrues · 11/05/2025 17:05

@Olika He will never ever ever come back ever and that's ok. I will never go back. I'm a bit shaken up and feel so empty without him so need to sort out some hobbies and getting out again...

I will never lose myself like this again or come out of a routine. My day revolved around his messages and attention as sad as that sounds.

OP posts:
Jujujudo · 11/05/2025 16:49

Go freeze your eggs. That’ll take the pressure off. I had a baby with my own eggs at 43 but not everyone can! You certainly don’t need a man to have a baby, I wish I had done it alone. Good luck! You are all you need..

Devilsmommy · 11/05/2025 16:48

I was adamant that I'd stay single and childless after an abusive relationship. At 35 I met my DH and at 36 we had our DS. So don't worry you have plenty of time yet😊

Olika · 11/05/2025 16:47

Don’t stress. I broke up with my ex in mid February and I met my now DH in end of March at the age of 37. You are only 33.5. Whatever you do don’t take your ex back as he is wasting your time.

Original poster
BluesandTrues · 11/05/2025 16:47

@Phunkychicken Thanks for telling me well done. I found that oddly satisfying and uplifting.

OP posts:
Matildahoney · 11/05/2025 16:36

My first DH passed away when I was 35, we had no children due to his health condition.
I met my now DH 15 months later, we married last year and had our first DC in 2023 when I was 41, we're now trying for our second.

TheBroonOneAndTheWhiteOne · 11/05/2025 16:35

BluesandTrues · 11/05/2025 16:23

He's left me and is never ever ever coming back. I called him out. His family were involved as he even had me around them and included them in his lies. This is too much shame for him. He has no spine. I wont go back and he wont be back.

Genuinely....am I running out of time?

No, darling. You're not running out of time at your age. Honestly.
Well done on getting rid of the loser.

TheTealBiscuit · 11/05/2025 16:35

It can happen! Met my dh at 35, married at 40 and child ar 42.
I didn't have the same situation as you but I had the same feelings of wondering if it was too late when I was the same age as you. It wasn't too late, you still have time!

Phunkychicken · 11/05/2025 16:33

Both my birth mum and step mum had babies from their second relationships aged 43/44 so you've got ages yet.

Well done on thr break up. Stay strong.

Bramblecrumb · 11/05/2025 16:31

33 in London is young. Most of my NCT group are 38+ and just had their first.

BlahBlahBittyBlah · 11/05/2025 16:29

You really don’t want to be a mum if it’s with someone totally unsuitable who will make you miserable. The idea of running out of time can make you settle for less than you deserve. If it’s the most important thing to you, you can look at ways to make it happen without a partner. Or you can concentrate on finding someone who makes you happy and take it from there. Kids may happen or they may not. I know this is mumsnet, but kids aren’t always necessary for you to have a happy life.

Original poster
BluesandTrues · 11/05/2025 16:28

@JollyGreenSnake

Thank you my love.

OP posts: