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AIBU?

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Original poster

To believe that my heart is on the floor...but I'll be a mum?

110 replies

BluesandTrues · 11/05/2025 16:13

Hello everyone.

Please hold my hand.

I'm 33.5. No kids. No partner.

Someone I was with for 7 months was a pathological liar and it all blew up this weekend. I ignored red flags and when I confronted him, he turned cold and left me. I literally told him I'd forgive him, but the lies need to stop. He ended it and refused to even alknowledge the reason we weren't together anymore. Just called himself a bad guy and said I deserved better.

I know it's only 7 months but when you feel time is running out to have a baby and you found your person (at the start)... this burns.

I tried to pace myself with him but he truly love bombed me.

I've spent the past few days an anxious, depressed, manic mess. Missing the good morning texts. Missing the cuddles. Missing the attention.

I believed for the past few days I'd missed out on someonething that I have every proof would have driven me insane....BUT he was already slowly driving me insane....The anxiety just became a part of me and my day...and although I know I'll be shaken up for a while...I've just had a lightbulb moment. I will be ok...surely?

I really want to be a mum and find someone. More than anything.

Happy ending stories after something like this are much needed and welcome. I haven't gone into detail about the lengths of his deciet but he made up people, friends, jobs, events, conversations, scenarios, where he was all the time, his living situation....all of it. Gaslit me in every aspect of the word.

I really am quite low but that glimmer of hope I feel deep inside is something I need some encouragement with.

AIBU to deep down believe that I'm still young, I will be a mum and find someone, and I will smile again? Or do I need to accept that it may just not happen?

OP posts:
Original poster
BluesandTrues · 11/05/2025 18:56

@IDontLikeMondays88 Thanks for sharing. That sounds like hell....I need urgent therapy because as weird as it sounds...whenever I meet a decent guy I always feel I'll never snag someone as good looking or sucessful or as great as him....

OP posts:
LurkyMcLurkinson · 11/05/2025 18:52

BluesandTrues · 11/05/2025 18:03

@LurkyMcLurkinson Thanks for being so blunt. 7 months is actually a long time and I know I'm on thin ice. I cannot keep on doing this.

I say this feebly...

I was in a 7 year horrid relationship where I was being dumped all the time which I ended.

I was in a 2 year low comittment relationship where my self esteem was on the floor which I ended.

Even though he technically left me after I confronted him...I did confront him several times in the relationship and ignored the niggling inside of me to not mention that I'd discovered all these lies. It's progress.

Slow but sure.

I have a lot of childhood trauma that keeps me in these cycles and that stops now.

Next time I'm running a mile because I love myself and actually care if I get hurt.

You can break the cycle. It will take work and commitment and you’ll likely at times miss the comfort of your old familiar ways and the highs that come with toxic relationships but it will all be worth it. I speak from experience and as a now happily married women who had kids in my mid thirties 😊

IDontLikeMondays88 · 11/05/2025 18:50

Also say yes to every social invite even if it’s not necessarily about meeting guys. I met my DH as he was a friend of a friend.

IDontLikeMondays88 · 11/05/2025 18:48

After being basically jilted at the alter I met my now DH at 36. We got married when I was 39 and I had my son when I was 41. We would have liked another child but think I am too old
now. However we generally are very happy.

Original poster
BluesandTrues · 11/05/2025 18:43

@4andnotcounting Thanks for your honestly. Deep down I was tempted to fall pregnant, but I knew he'd make the poor kids life hell.

OP posts:
Original poster
BluesandTrues · 11/05/2025 18:39

@SuperTrooper14 I do not. A lot of women are finding this to be an issue. I'm not the "desirable" type anyone wants to make friends with at work. I don't want to politicise this conversation but it's really not as "easy" for some of us as others...

OP posts:
4andnotcounting · 11/05/2025 18:37

Christwosheds · 11/05/2025 16:21

You’re 33 ! I had my second baby at 43. You aren’t running out of time yet.

This.

please don’t do what I did and have a baby with the wrong partner. It will be your child who ends up in the crossfire. Been there , done that and full of regret. I’m still paying for it 20 years on. You can’t dump your kids, any damage you have to deal with forever

SuperTrooper14 · 11/05/2025 18:29

BluesandTrues · 11/05/2025 18:14

@SuperTrooper14

Hello,

I don't have any real friends...thats the problem...it's funny. I found myself at the gym the other day and just struck up random conversation with the ladies. I remember thinking....it cant be that hard to make friends? To meet people?

The apps seem to just be filled with beautiful 26 year old girls that men swipe on and long for....I feel men just entertain me on there for ego....my brother is very attractive...tall...in his 20s and he tells me as a man to stay off them. He said men tend to treat women they meet on apps very differently from the ones they meet in real life and it's just not worth it. Only a "certain" type of woman gets taken seriously...the rest are cannon fodder.

What about men you work with now, or have previously worked with, ones you went to college/uni/school with? You can’t not know any men!

WaltzingWaters · 11/05/2025 18:27

Lucky escape with that one, and at least you didn’t waste any more time with him. Sounds like he’d have been a terrible dad, or strung you along saying he wanted kids eventually, but never actually got there, or something equally as horrid.

I met my fiancé at 31 and I am now pregnant with our second at 36. But the majority of my mum friends are quite a bit older than me, didn’t meet their partners until late 30’s/early 40’s and have gone on to have one or two children in their 40’s, and are very happy. You have time.

Original poster
BluesandTrues · 11/05/2025 18:20

@Smelltherain

Thanks. He filled up so much of my day but I'm sick of feeling sorry for myself over foolishness. Cuddles and kisses are nice but my God I always knew deep down inside he was a slimy bastard. Always. I just need to work out why I couldn't leave until such damage was done...6 weeks in I was having doubts!

OP posts:
Radionowhere · 11/05/2025 18:18

My SIL got married for the first time at 42, after a v short engagement, and had her child at 44. She thought she'd be single forever x

Original poster
BluesandTrues · 11/05/2025 18:15

@Neurodiversitydoctor

You are right. I didn't want to out myself but egg freezing is indeed a scam and can actually really damage your reproductive organs. I've been advised against it by a leading fertility expert....

OP posts:
Original poster
BluesandTrues · 11/05/2025 18:14

@SuperTrooper14

Hello,

I don't have any real friends...thats the problem...it's funny. I found myself at the gym the other day and just struck up random conversation with the ladies. I remember thinking....it cant be that hard to make friends? To meet people?

The apps seem to just be filled with beautiful 26 year old girls that men swipe on and long for....I feel men just entertain me on there for ego....my brother is very attractive...tall...in his 20s and he tells me as a man to stay off them. He said men tend to treat women they meet on apps very differently from the ones they meet in real life and it's just not worth it. Only a "certain" type of woman gets taken seriously...the rest are cannon fodder.

OP posts:
Neurodiversitydoctor · 11/05/2025 18:12

Jujujudo · 11/05/2025 16:49

Go freeze your eggs. That’ll take the pressure off. I had a baby with my own eggs at 43 but not everyone can! You certainly don’t need a man to have a baby, I wish I had done it alone. Good luck! You are all you need..

This is terrible advice egg freezing is a scam. Getting hold off some donor ( or a trusted male friend's) sperm and freezing the embryos has a much higher chance of sucess, but really your best bet is coming off any long acting hormonal contraception and getting put there.

Smelltherain · 11/05/2025 18:12

I think it's s blessing in disguise you didn't have a baby with a pathological liar.
It will hurt , these kinds of men really get to you but slowly you will find peace and light again from this situation. Keep being good to yourself, build confidence with positive affirmations, looking after your health and mental health is vital right now
You are only 33 , you have plenty of time to meet someone, fall in love and have a baby

Tessiebear2023 · 11/05/2025 18:07

I had my 3rd child at 39, and he was the easiest pregnancy/baby. I was a much better mum at that age, compared to with my first two who I had in my mid-twenties.

There's still plenty of time op. You really don't want to have a kid with the wrong guy. Concentrate on being healthy - exercise, good diet, etc. I think that being fit and in a 'good place' is FAR more important than age when it comes to having kids. Work on yourself being happy and content and you will naturally attract the right guy.

Original poster
BluesandTrues · 11/05/2025 18:07

@user1494093609 This made me burst into tears....honestly the internet isn't always such a bad place. Thank you! And also thank you for validating that single parenthood isn't for everyone. Thank you.

OP posts:
Original poster
BluesandTrues · 11/05/2025 18:06

@Feliciacat Thank you so so so so so so so much.

OP posts:
user1494093609 · 11/05/2025 18:04

I was single at 34 after being dumped by my seemingly ideal man.

I threw myself into work, travel and loads of terrible online dates. I didn’t think single parenthood was for me and was making peace with life without children.

At 36 I was introduced to the only single man at a friends party. We are 10 years on now with two children born when I was 38 and 42. It was worth the wait.

Original poster
BluesandTrues · 11/05/2025 18:03

@LurkyMcLurkinson Thanks for being so blunt. 7 months is actually a long time and I know I'm on thin ice. I cannot keep on doing this.

I say this feebly...

I was in a 7 year horrid relationship where I was being dumped all the time which I ended.

I was in a 2 year low comittment relationship where my self esteem was on the floor which I ended.

Even though he technically left me after I confronted him...I did confront him several times in the relationship and ignored the niggling inside of me to not mention that I'd discovered all these lies. It's progress.

Slow but sure.

I have a lot of childhood trauma that keeps me in these cycles and that stops now.

Next time I'm running a mile because I love myself and actually care if I get hurt.

OP posts:
Feliciacat · 11/05/2025 17:57

Hey lovely! I’m so sorry about your break up. I became single at 32 and I thought I’d never be a Mum. But by 34, I was married!

I unfortunately happened to have fertility issues but this was not age related; I had undiagnosed endometriosis and no doctor would believe me. So I ended up infertile and was probably infertile from my early 30s according to the consultant who did my fertility MOT. HOWEVER I’m now 37 and pregnant with my much longed for baby.

So it can even happen for someone with fairly extreme fertility issues so I do think it can happen for you. I would advise you get a fertility MOT for your information and peace of mind. The NHS won’t do this but you can get it privately for approximately £500. You’re unlikely to have issues at your young age but if you do, it’s better to know asap so you can plan accordingly.

SuperTrooper14 · 11/05/2025 17:56

I was 33 and in the same boat, to the point my dad would send me clippings from newspapers about women using sperm donors. Then I happened to run into someone I’d known as a friend for years and sparks flew. Twenty years later I am currently sitting across the sofa from him and our DD15 is upstairs studying for her GCSEs. So it CAN happen! (And maybe have another look at the men you already know as friends because the man you are waiting for could be in your life already!)

Cynicalaboutall · 11/05/2025 17:53

Met darling DH at 35, first baby at 39, second at 40. Used an old fashioned dating agency ( before the internet). I was his first date, he was my second. Married 25 years this year. Keep the faith girl, if you want it, it can happen.

Original poster
BluesandTrues · 11/05/2025 17:52

@GuevarasBeret

Thanks this means the world and as scared as I am that it wont happen for me...This man had me feeling a shambles every other week....it was nuts. My nerves were always shot. I never ever had peace from around 6 weeks in.

Please don't judge me but ignoring the red flags made me feel powerful in a very teenagery way....I didn't want to "rock the boat" or appear bothered. Keeping the peace fed my addiction to the attention and affection and physical touch and just being called "babe"

Now I have a deep understanding that decent men do exist - and I wont find them unless I enforce boundaries and standards. I also know that I cannot keep on feeling this type of pain every couple of years. I cannot. I'm playing with fire. I really am.

I will gleefully walk away when I sniff a red flag. Not only that - I will gleefully sort out my self esteem and not fall so easily the second a man half decent looks my way because I'm so lonely.

I genuienly loved him....but I had no business falling in love so quickly and with such an arsehole!

Ah.

I'll cry and will miss him for a bit...but dare I say....I may be ok?

OP posts:
real13 · 11/05/2025 17:50

I would freeze your eggs just in case.