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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To believe that my heart is on the floor...but I'll be a mum?

110 replies

BluesandTrues · 11/05/2025 16:13

Hello everyone.

Please hold my hand.

I'm 33.5. No kids. No partner.

Someone I was with for 7 months was a pathological liar and it all blew up this weekend. I ignored red flags and when I confronted him, he turned cold and left me. I literally told him I'd forgive him, but the lies need to stop. He ended it and refused to even alknowledge the reason we weren't together anymore. Just called himself a bad guy and said I deserved better.

I know it's only 7 months but when you feel time is running out to have a baby and you found your person (at the start)... this burns.

I tried to pace myself with him but he truly love bombed me.

I've spent the past few days an anxious, depressed, manic mess. Missing the good morning texts. Missing the cuddles. Missing the attention.

I believed for the past few days I'd missed out on someonething that I have every proof would have driven me insane....BUT he was already slowly driving me insane....The anxiety just became a part of me and my day...and although I know I'll be shaken up for a while...I've just had a lightbulb moment. I will be ok...surely?

I really want to be a mum and find someone. More than anything.

Happy ending stories after something like this are much needed and welcome. I haven't gone into detail about the lengths of his deciet but he made up people, friends, jobs, events, conversations, scenarios, where he was all the time, his living situation....all of it. Gaslit me in every aspect of the word.

I really am quite low but that glimmer of hope I feel deep inside is something I need some encouragement with.

AIBU to deep down believe that I'm still young, I will be a mum and find someone, and I will smile again? Or do I need to accept that it may just not happen?

OP posts:
BunnyLake · 11/05/2025 19:42

Having a baby (or any kind of life) with a pathological liar would send you into a nervous breakdown or worse, so thank your lucky stars he’s not going to be the father of your children.

I had both my children in my early forties.

Praying4Peace · 11/05/2025 19:42

TennesseeStella · 11/05/2025 16:14

You don't need a partner to be a mum.

Not good advice

HistoricalOrchard · 11/05/2025 19:41

You’ve done the right thing. What kind of a family man would he be? What trust would you have in him to be a good father and partner?
forget this one and meet someone else.

AliBaliBee1234 · 11/05/2025 19:37

I'm your age and a new mum. I'm actually one of the youngest at baby classes and i'd bet some of the other women met their partners mid to late 30's.

I understand why you feel this way but if you don't find someone then there are options for you to do it alone.

Better to wait and have a baby with the right person who can be a great Dad.

PrincipalPenguin · 11/05/2025 19:36

I could have written this post 15 years ago, same age roughly! Now happily married with 2 kids. You are a spring chicken.

Original poster
BluesandTrues · 11/05/2025 19:35

@CherriesStrawberries Thanks I appreciate this and didn't want to be snarky with responses but I also know I'll be lucky to concieve even twice.

I am taking it seriously and am slowly picking myself back up. The nights and the mornings are the worst but as sad as it sounds I'm watching loads of breakup videos that are giving me hope.

OP posts:
Original poster
BluesandTrues · 11/05/2025 19:33

@Crushed23 Because I don't have men falling over me like some women do and I was sick of being alone. I thought a good decent man with kids is better than nothing and still do.

I really think people don't understand the different categories society puts women into.

I have never been the one who got picked. Ever. My colleague was on Hinge for a week before she met her very serious, very committed, very decent husband who married her after 8 months!

I've never been that girl.

My standards are about morals and honestly. If he's got kids so be it. Sorry.

OP posts:
CherriesStrawberries · 11/05/2025 19:32

There’s a lot of older mums on Mumsnet who were either really lucky and had a healthy baby in their 40s, or they could afford fertility treatment. The unlucky ones probably don’t stay on the site. Fertility declines in your 30s and even more so in your 40s. You need to find someone a lot better than your ex to have a baby with though.

Crushed23 · 11/05/2025 19:29

BluesandTrues · 11/05/2025 17:36

@JudgeBread It's spine tingling how much you hit the nail on the head. I didn't want the post to be 373636366363636 paragraphs but he is a divorced dad of two and the messages I saw on his phone between him and the ex are spine curdling. He was a horrid dad behind the scenes....saying he would take his son to football then flaking all week...randomly picking them up from school when he felt like it...no structure...his kids would be in tears wanting to see him...all while telling me that he was trying to see them and she was a mean woman. Meanwhile she's begging him to come. When I tell you the lies were ....diabolical.

Just catching up on the full thread. What possessed you to get involved with a divorced dad of two as a young, child-free woman in your early 30s?! I think you need to explore this before re-entering the dating pool, I’m sorry. Work on your self worth and raise your bar out of the gutter before attempting to find the future father of your children. Good luck.

Original poster
BluesandTrues · 11/05/2025 19:29

@Summit617 Someone at work is cute and I feel he likes me....when I think about it. Makes the effort to smile in and out of meeting rooms. No wedding ring. I work in a massive corportation and might just do a walk around at this point.

OP posts:
Crushed23 · 11/05/2025 19:23

He did you a favour, surely? The trash taking itself out and all that.

You’re still young at 33, plenty of time to meet your person.

If it’s really making you anxious then consider egg freezing. It takes (some) of the pressure off. I did it at around your age, feel free to PM me.

Jujujudo · 11/05/2025 19:15

Neurodiversitydoctor · 11/05/2025 18:12

This is terrible advice egg freezing is a scam. Getting hold off some donor ( or a trusted male friend's) sperm and freezing the embryos has a much higher chance of sucess, but really your best bet is coming off any long acting hormonal contraception and getting put there.

Show quote history

I didn’t know that.

LurkyMcLurkinson · 11/05/2025 19:14

BluesandTrues · 11/05/2025 18:58

@LurkyMcLurkinson So many women tell me the excitement and butterflies is often anxiety and that although there aren't always fireworks sometimes thats the best way to go.

My only comfort is that the rug wasn't pulled from under my feet. It really wasn't.

I never knew the extent of his deception....But I ignored red flags 100%

Never ever ever ever ever again will I underestimate a mans capacity to lie a deceieve. If you are ever lucky enough to see it....RUN!

If you feel like that you’ve likely got an insecure attachment. I’d also recommend reading women who love too much. It will feel like a slap in the face when you read it but it’s a necessary one.

Summit617 · 11/05/2025 19:14

You are plenty young enough to get what you want. I was well north of 40 when I had DS.

My advice for meeting a future life partner isn’t to go specifically looking for someone but instead do a load more stuff where you come into contact with more people.

It’s a bit of a numbers game so get out there and join as many clubs, activities and social events as you can. Eventually you will trip over Mr Right when you were least looking for him. You’ll also have the added advantage of picking up a wider circle of friends.

A lot of people I know are married to people they worked with. Again that’s a numbers game. People don’t go to work to find a life partner to have kids with but it happens because you come across so many people over the years.

Put yourself out there socially and at your age I’d be pretty confident the outcome will be good.

Original poster
BluesandTrues · 11/05/2025 19:11

@NimbleTiger He warped my reality. I truly thought it didn't get better than him because if it did....why hadn't I met someone yet? That's how I felt!!

OP posts:
Original poster
BluesandTrues · 11/05/2025 19:11

@slapmyarseandcallmemary Thanks so much.

OP posts:
Original poster
BluesandTrues · 11/05/2025 19:10

@TheBirdintheCave Thanks for sharing. How did you meet DP? What do you suggest?

I'm a little insecure...I remember going to a bar maybe last year with a friend and the girls were all 22 and looked amazing...I was one of the older women there at 31/32 and no one looked at me twice....the truth is I always feel small in certain environments. I don't lack self esteem inherently....I just feel social media has made men have weird standards for women...with the swiping culture making them feel they can get anyone they want.

OP posts:
NimbleTiger · 11/05/2025 19:08

You won't find someone to share a family with whilst you're stuck with an idiot. Now you've got rid you'll be fine you've got plenty of time for babies no need to stick with undesirables because you feel the clock is ticking.... big hugs...breathe ... don't dwell on what you are lacking in life ..focus on where you're going it's going to be amazing just you wait and see.

Original poster
BluesandTrues · 11/05/2025 19:08

@Redburnett Totally OK with that and actually believe it or not do not need the most romantic man in the world....just a solid decent honest man who isn't going to have an affair, lie to me, gaslight me or dump me! That's romance!

OP posts:
TheBirdintheCave · 11/05/2025 19:03

I was with someone I thought was the one for six months. He told me he loved me then swanned off to Asia for a three months and ghosted me, eventually properly breaking up with me when I asked for my things back when he came home.

A few weeks after that I met my husband :)

slapmyarseandcallmemary · 11/05/2025 19:01

I had my 1st at 37. You've got time.

Redburnett · 11/05/2025 19:01

You may need to 'settle' if having a baby is so important to you. Not for the ex obviously, but for a 'decent' man who doesn't love bomb, tell you how wonderful you are, shower you with gifts etc but instead has a reasonable job, enjoys some of the same things as you and is companiable.
I realise half of MN will disagree but at 33 it is a question of what is more important: the perfect man, or someone who will be a decent husband and father.

Original poster
BluesandTrues · 11/05/2025 18:59

@TheBigFatMermaid THANK YOU!!!!

OP posts:
Original poster
BluesandTrues · 11/05/2025 18:58

@LurkyMcLurkinson So many women tell me the excitement and butterflies is often anxiety and that although there aren't always fireworks sometimes thats the best way to go.

My only comfort is that the rug wasn't pulled from under my feet. It really wasn't.

I never knew the extent of his deception....But I ignored red flags 100%

Never ever ever ever ever again will I underestimate a mans capacity to lie a deceieve. If you are ever lucky enough to see it....RUN!

OP posts:
TheBigFatMermaid · 11/05/2025 18:57

Alright, I did already have one child but wanted more. My ex husband left me fir someone else after 10 years of marriage.

I was distraught. I was 36. I met DP a year later. Fell pregnant quickly, had DD2 a couple of weeks before my 38th birthday, then had DS a couple of days after my 39th birthday.

You are no longer with a liar. You are in a better position than you were before.