Fighting with DH over taking oldest away

@StripeyBalloon

Why do you have to 'beg' for anything? Especially when it comes to your DC.

Are you begging for money to pay for the trip?
Are you begging him to watch his own child whilst you're gone because he simply doesn't want to?
Are you begging him to watch his own child whilst you're gone because he doesn't want to take time off work?

Finally, what would he do if you simply booked what you wanted to book? Are you afraid of his reaction? If so, why?

You really need to ask yourself these questions. Especially the last ones. Because I agree with a PP, sounds to me as if the holiday issue is probably the tip of the iceberg when it comes to your marriage.

Yes, your husband is being unfair but, knowing the person he is, you must have expected him to react badly when you brought up a previous argument. He was never going to admit he was wrong. You can now consider trips up to 5 nights too.

@Heronwatcher The drawback of all going together is that the NT child always has to accommodate the needs of their ND sibling.

I think it’s great that the OP and her DH put their eldest first on these trips. It sounds as if he enjoys history and culture, so on these trips, he can go to a museum and stay as long as he wants to, for example, without worrying about his sibling’s needs.

It IS unfair. Stop and sit with that thought. He is UNFAIR. That us who he us.

If you try to express your needs or thoughts or try to solve a family problem he instantly goes on ghe attack and DARVO’s the shit out if you. Denies, Attacks,Reverses Victim and Offender. This is straight up abuse.

Every time he (stupidly) tells you that you are taking the piss just say “No: I am taking care of everyone’s needs in this family. You can fuck off to the far side of fuck with your attitude.”

I agree with PP’s-next time, inform him that you’re taking your eldest away for say five nights, no begging.

Also, keep a note of the dates of this trip, that they went away for five nights, so you can mention this if necessary.

@MrsSkylerWhite @Upsetbetty Why shouldn’t the children have one-to-one trips with a parent? We’ve done this for years with our teenagers and they love it. They get undivided attention and the one staying at home also gets undivided attention from that parent.

OP start reading books about emotionally abusive relationships. Your husband knows he’s not being fair and will continue to intimidate you and shut you down if you try to discuss it.

This is such an odd dynamic. Sounds like you are both actively trying to get out of parenting your youngest, which is sad. At the end of the day you’re right that you shouldn’t have to beg to go away with your own child but this doesn’t seem to get to the heart of the issue.

If I’m honest I would put a stop to all of these trips away and just do day trips for a year or two and/ or try to find some trips which all of you can do (e.g my friend goes away with her two children and partner but they choose places where their autistic child can stay in a safe place like a hotel room with one of them).

Why is it his decision? He sounds abusive and unreasonable

Instead of begging him every night maybe you should have just gone for as long as you wanted, just like he did.
It's already doomed if you have to play power games in a relationship but I will give you some advice on that anyway, if you beg someone for anything you give them a huge sense of power and also a lack of respect for you. Once they get that feeling of having power they will go further in exercising that power. If you want to stay in this relationship, you need to take some power back. Never, ever beg for something, just tell him what will be happening.

I’ll be honest and say this feels like a tip of the iceberg post and that actually there are far more issues than just the holiday. I never beg my husband for anything. I hope I’m wrong and he’s not a knob in many other respects.

Next time don't ask. He booked 5 nights, you book 5 nights next time. And don't let him guilt you into 'being kind' and making it less because he can't cope.

It sounds like there’s a horrible power imbalance in your relationship.

Why does he get to make all the decisions? Is he controlling in other ways? Maybe you’re so used to it you don’t notice, and it’s only with these holidays that it’s obvious. And why are you arranging for your youngest to be somewhere else overnight, so his dad doesn’t have to look after him when you’re away?

He sounds like a really crap husband and a crap dad, sorry.

Well yes, it is unfair and the way your husband has reacted is ridiculous. He’s annoyed because you’ve called him out on the double standards, and instead of talking it through like a reasonable adult he’s throwing a strop.
If that’s the way he wants it, then in future I think you should do exactly what he does and just book what YOU want. What’s good for the goose is good for the gander, and all that. Don’t ask and certainly don’t beg his permission.

Your husband is being very unfair. It sounds like you could both do with more respite as carers though - do you have much family support?

Sounds like your “D”H doesn’t want to look after the youngest as going away with the eldest is easier and more fun and less work.

Maybe he finds it difficult managing house and younger child on his own so only wants to for it for a short time.

Doesn’t sound healthy to me if you have to beg and beg and he just ma decisions without even checking.

Does he always respond badly of you raise something you don’t like about his behaviour?

@StripeyBalloon does your husband struggle to look after your youngest on his own?

This. Just do what he does.

Well it is flogging a dead horse a bit isn't it.

Next time you book somewhere away you just say I am booking x amount of nights.

I get that it probably feels like a huge injustice but time has passed, the children have both grown and matured and what felt like a mountain to overcome then probably doesn't feel like such a big deal now especially if your youngest is autistic.

And has he arranged for your youngest to go somewhere overnight and for his family to come a help while he is away?

I am guessing not. He sounds awful.

He sounds as though he thinks he is the boss. Next time, you take your eldest away for as many days as you want.

Does he pull his weight with your youngest child or does he prefer to do stuff with the eldest because it is easier and more fun?

He’s making this as unpleasant as he can to shut you down so you won’t challenge him again in future.
And yes, he doesn’t want to look after your younger child for longer than the bare minimum. That’s what’s driving this.

Why are you begging him for anything in what is supposed to be a loving and respectful relationship? It sounds like there is a massive power imbalance in this relationship.