So am I the one in the wrong here?

I don’t think she’s blaming the father for all this she never even mentions anything about it until another post. I think you should talk to your other daughter to see if she knows anything, which I’m sure you’ve already tried that. Don’t let any of these posts make you feel shitty or guilty about anything. 18-19 is a tough age when you’re dealing with parents or kids or something else in general.

I don’t think she’s being unreasonable her daughter is 18 or 19 years old and old enough to hear her mom needs a break, she should be able to understand that . And the mom can go to her room any other time, the poor woman just wants the whole house to herself , which I can’t say I can blame her. And if her daughter never leaves the house than yes she needs to leave the house for a bit. It’s not good to be locked up and not do anything at her age that will make for mental problems. I’m 42 and I’m glad I’m a homebody, but I at least make myself go out to the store at least once a week even if I don’t want to.

Op
kindly… you really have to stop
blaming her dad for all of this.
I know it’s hard , but it doesn’t help.
what’s done is done.
you need to show her love and understanding
she’ll see through her dad eventually- all kids realise what a bad father is in the end.
Ban food from the bedroom is a good start and then , gently try to start and reconnect with her.

Different issues here:

1. The rubbish & mess in her room, stop clearing it. Her room, her mess, not your job. If she wants to live in filth then let her, she’s learning absolutely nothing if you always swoop in and do it.

2. Asking her to leave the house, her home, because you can’t be bothered to deal with her is awful, stop doing that.

3. The college issues, as with number 1, drop the rope. She’s 19, she can study or not study, the outcome will reflect whatever she puts in and you cannot somebody to revise or work hard. Speak to her about it, encourage her, talk about the work together and look at potential career’s etc, try to make the bigger picture clear for her about work vs reward, but at the end of the day only she can decide whether or not to put the work in.

It absolutely isn't your fault that your ex said some horrible things about you to your dd. But that isn't her fault either.

You say that you've tried to talk and that she isn't interested, and that's not your fault, but you seem to have sort of given up on her. Why do you think you can't change the way she sees you?

Being honest, it sounds like you're both really struggling, so I'm not trying to be critical, but you are the parent here... you need to try and take some initiative to fix the relationship. I understand how hard it must be to be without your own private space etc, but your dd also sounds like she is desperately unhappy.

And yes, she is an adult and she needs to start taking responsibility for stuff herself. Absolutely. But you're also her parent and it is your job to help her get there.

Can she go and live with her dad if she thinks he is so marvellous and you are so awful?

Your poor daughter, told that her mother won't love/care about her when she's an adult - and now it's all coming true.

Can't you see what's going on here OP? Her self esteem is through the floor, I expect she's depressed and anxious because she's been emotionally abused by her father. It's sickening that people say just kick her out. She may also be testing your love after the abuse from her father - she needs you more than ever right now and you've got no time for her from the sounds of it.

It's all very well saying she has access to counselling but for whatever reason she doesn't feel able to go. She needs a load of support and encouragement, not belittling by calling it 'baby sitting'. It sounds like she really struggles with executive function, this is commonly part of ND conditions such as ASD and ADHD. This will be why she forgets things.

Her father has emotionally abused her, she is failing at college and you belittle her. It's absolutely no wonder to me that she is the way she is. She's been failed by both her parents poor thing - and no doubt her sister is the golden child.

Sorry if it’s already been mentioned and I missed it, but you / she might want to look into possible ADHD. Lack of motivation, low mood, forgetfulness etc, are all classic signs.

You chose to have children and when they need support and parenting, then your YOU time goes out the window. That's life. They'll all leave home one day then you can have plenty of time to yourself.

Take your daughter out for a walk. Try speaking to her and laying down some ground rules. No food in rooms.

If she cannot keep the room tidy then she will lose the privilege of a room. You cam have her bed and share with the 18 year old and she will sleep on the sofa.

Make the rules and consequences very clear.

How many kids have you got?

At what point does it stop being my fault and it's her that's now in the wrong ?

It stops when you put boundaries in place and she learns some respect. She needs to sort her shit out!

All that means is that no one has ever requested it.

I think its time to go back to basics. These are the house rules write them down and if their not followed she knows where the door is.
No food and drink upstairs
Clean up after yourself
Clean your room
Don't swear
Be kind and respectful to others

I would ban food in bedrooms. It must be unpleasant for the 18 year old to deal with that in her room. Obviously the behaviour is unacceptable, but things like never leaving the house, poor hygiene, losing things and leaving cookers on can be a sign of neurodivergence. Arrange a time to have a proper conversation with her and give your perspective on why things need to change and ask what you can do to support her.

My flabber is a bit gasted at the notion a college could legally contact the parents of an adult to discuss performance/attendance issues without their consent simply because they are no longer government funded.

Not doubting the truth of it; it doesn't sit comfortably with me. Surprised there aren't GDPR implications.

At 19 in college I had to sign a document giving permission for my college to contact my parent if needed.

Are you the bin bag?

Your OP sounds like your living up to what he said, concern she had lost her bursary rather than that she might be messing up her future, wanting her out of the house so you can have a break even though she stays in her room. No apparent insight into her needs. It sounds like she needs a lot of support, it's not normal for a 19 year old to forget to turn a cooker off and not be able to keep their room clean, it sounds like she is really struggling and it sounds like you just want rid of her.

How many kids do you have and how many bedrooms?

The fact that you’re sleeping on the sofa definitely makes things worse because you have no escape.

But you should still never tell a child you want them to go out for the day because you don’t want to have to deal with them.
Why not just encourage them to spend time with their dad for their own benefit.

Why does she not live with her dad if they get on so well?

Never had this happen on the grounds of age, only if it's a safeguarding concern.

I don’t understand what all the rubbish is? We don’t produce 6 black bags of rubbish every 2 weeks as a family of 3!

Change the WiFi password until she has cleaned up. Take the router to work so she can’t access it during the day. Stop bringing snacks into the house so she has less crap to eat. Clear out her room including her clothes and and get rid of anything she doesn’t need. Put back only the essentials. That way there’s less stuff to make a mess.

You're in a very difficult position, and I really sympathise. The fact that you don't even have your own bedroom ( so no escape) makes it worse.
I didn't quite understand the key issue, if she's lost her keys then she has to manage without, and wait for someone to let her in. Or are you saying that she'd go out leaving the house unlocked?
She sounds very young and irresponsible for her age, and also depressed. I see that she's been offered help by the college but not taken them up on it. Does she have any sort of diagnosis?
I suspect she'd manage better out of college and with a job, although that's easier said than done. I expect you've already talked to her about contributing to the household, and if you are that overcrowded I'm assuming things are financially tight. I think you are going to need to get tough, not chucking her out , but requiring her to meet certain minimum standards. For example, if she's got all that rubbish in her room, presumably that is take away boxes. Where is the money for that coming from? Anyway, whatever it is, no food in the bedroom, no money at all, and a conversation with her Dad, if you are on speaking terms. I agree that Wifi needs to go off, and I would suggest trying to get her to the GP to see if they can help.

Can you get her on some adhd medication? It would help her through college and get her room clean, it’s a quick fix