Why are some children ‘spoilt’?

Something I see a lot of in my job ( I work on a till in a large store which sells quite a lot of stuff for kids) is parents starting off quite well being firm but then giving in for a quiet life. One little boy was told no & that he had already had x y & z bought for him that day. He kept begging & pleading. Still no, mostly from Mum it has to be said. Then the Dad walked off & came back with the toy that the little boy wanted! Hopeless!

I used to think this, but I have three kids and only one of them has the issues the op describes. They've all been brought up the same. She does however potentially have ADHD ( multiple indicators, school have referred for diagnosis) so maybe it's that.

I used to work with someone who was constantly envious of others and very competitive. She was a real pain with it. She was desperately envious of her brother, having a bigger house than her and her family. She hated having a smaller car and really felt it wasn't fair that she didn't have what others did.

She was a total pain in the bum TBH. I found it all a bit pathetic. I can only assume she was the youngest and given in to as a child, because her envy was very sad to watch.

Acknowledging siblings on each others birthdays is not something I've ever heard of, but if it works for you and your family, great!!
I couldn't be arsed with double the birthdays and costs though 🤣🤣

From observing the parenting from my children's cousins, the spoilt behaviour comes from the fact that sometimes the whining works so it's worth a try. If it doesn't work then...WHINE HARDER! Sometimes that works too. My kids know no means no. I'm not bragging and they are not angels but I do an internal eyeroll when the parents then comment that we are 'lucky' that we got the well behaved kids.
If kids don't know there is a clear boundary they will push and push.
Giving in for an easy life does the exact opposite long term.

It’s not just personality or parenting. When you see a kid having a meltdown because they can’t get what they want , do you know the backstory? Often if they’re tired, hungry, had a bad day or something else going on in their life they can behave this way. People are very quick to judge without all the facts.

Parenting definitely plays a role - even in poorer families parents can be permissive or the child can be jealous of seeing others with more than them/ parents role modelling envious behaviour or lacks attention and seeks it through negative ways. However, all children develop at different rates and some take longer to develop emotional regulation skills. I would consider myself a strict parent, but I have a SEND child who often has really extreme public meltdowns. I’m sure onlookers would assume he’s a spoilt brat/badly behaved (and we often get unsolicited advice), but he’s just not able to understand the situation/control his emotions.

Age is a significant factor here . Toddlers and preschoolers are unreasonable little pricks.

Nature plays a role too , however nurture can male those traits 100 times worse. Just as it can make it better and most children grow out of it eventually. Other things can be at play too like trauma, insecurity, anxiety, depression , various SENDs etc. However, these tend to be outliers/exceptions and there are other issues as well. Most kids that act that way do it because they’ve learned it pays off .

It's not 100% parenting. DD2 isn't spoilt but my god she can find the negative in any situation, and if there isn't a negative, she'll invent one. That's just her and parenting her means teaching her to work hard to find some positives too. If you've got a dc who is naturally envious, it just means everyone working a bit harder to stop them constantly comparing to what everyone else has got.

Overcompensating by parents to ‘show’ their love rather than give a child the best thing of all their time 💖

Lazy parenting.

Parents who can't be bothered to deal with their kids tantrums so just give them what they want. Usually hours on a screen.

My best mate just lets her autistic son spend hours every day on a screen as it makes her life easier.

I teach so many kids who clearly don't get told no, who then have a tantrum when they get told off!

I'll look out for it.

I’m good with what I’m doing with my own son @GRex , as I’m sure you are with yours 👍🏻

If I want advice I’ll be sure to start a thread.

You give the opportunity, because then you teach him what happens, and then he won't do it again.

The same way you involve him in planning a big bike gift for his sister; a budget, picking it out from a line-up for colour, checking the size, thinking over options like a bell and tassles, wrapping it, keeping it secret... and then treasuring her delight when she opens it up. That is how you teach him to love her birthday for her, and not for what it brings to him.

Hi @Englishsummerblues , in my post I was more trying to convey the idea that I don't think my child's personality has much to do with my parenting! I don't think we are particularly better parents at all than many of my friends I see with much more difficult children. I can only imagine the challenges that come with raising a SEN child, and I'm not sure I'd be much good at it. I think it is mainly down to her innate personality. Obviously she has some things working in her favour - a stable home, comfortable lifestyle etc. But fundamentally, she's a contented child who asks for very little.

There's not much you can do about personality in kids

They can mature and become less egocentric, but the raw personality is always there

I don’t give him the opportunity. Why would I?

I don’t think buying a child a bike at the start of the summer holidays with the intention of teaching him how to ride said bike is ridiculous. It’s simply ‘your sister has a lot of presents as it’s her birthday; here’s one for you,’

You may not have meant it this way (although if I’m totally honest I think you did) but the post came across as very overbearing and pompous. I’ve made it clear throughout the thread I don’t allow my DS to demand or to take, but that streak is still there despite my attempts to quash it. It may be it is always part of his personality but hopefully I can guide him into someone who is also caring and thoughtful (and he has those traits as well.)

That's exactly what I would do too.

Yes - nearly always the parents to blame, I think.

Children will ask for things and be demanding - it's how that's treated which makes the difference. And it may not be material things - it can be attention.

There comes a time when young children need to learn not to interrupt others and to listen - I realise this will be different for each child. There's a period when we all accept that toddlers etc will dominate any situation and that's fine. But I've been really irritated when 6/7/8 year-olds are allowed to butt in and immediately get the attention they want when adults are talking. And having been a teacher, I can tell the kids who've been allowed to do this at home!

It's all part of learning that there are other people in the world and that they have a right to time, attention and respect too. It's a crucial lesson for future relationships.

Because children are inherently self-centred. It's normal. And some are more sensitive than others. Many children grow out of the kind of behaviours mentioned as they approach late primary school age. It's a mix of nature and nurture as well, surely.

I haven't said that to my kids as such, but have very much always encouraged them to get involved in the excitement of planning and preparing for each others' birthdays. Which they enjoyed in and of itself. Helping choose a gift their sister will like, helping wrap, balloons, setting the gifts up nicely on the table etc. And ultimately they do all get to enjoy the celebration together and eat cake and fell good about themselves because they have done something nice for the other person. And something they know they will enjoy when it gets to their birthday. I wouldn't go down the route personally if giving presents to each child on each birthday. I think there are other parts of it that are quite fun that they can get involved in.

I taught my kids that ‘happiness is two different things, what you take and then what you bring’ (actually a strokes lyric ha) and tried to make a thing of how nice it is to choose and give a gift to a loved one. I also encouraged the practice of gratitude and talking about things they are thankful for.

i agree that ‘spoilt’ suggests the act of parental indulgence has somewhat impeded the child’s personality/development, it’s a word to ruined or damaged.

i work with a lot of privileged young people (RG university) and some of them could really benefit from some gratitude practice!

I don't approve of token gifts; a party bag or balloon is fine. But giving a bike... well that's just so ridiculous I can't believe it's true. Nobody would do that, it's literally teaching the child that nobody else matters.

So then what does he do after you take him home to rewrap the present and remind him he'll be late for the party because he unwrapped it?

But you aren't buying him a small token gift... You are buying him a bike!!! That's like, main present vibes! I bet that's similar to the present you are getting her and it's her actual birthday, not his?
Have to admit I've never been able to understand the approach of siblings getting a gift as well on someone's birthday - it completely undoes the valuable lesson that this is someone else's big day and your role is to enjoy making it special for them without expecting anything yourself. I just can't see any positive to it - I don't call 'being able to buy them something seasonal' a positive in this situation