To think DSS should have wished me a happy Mother’s Day?

You are attaching a whole lot of meaning to what is probably forgetfulness on the boy’s part. Just because he didn’t wish you HMD, doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you, respect you or want you in his life. He’s a teenager, please cut him some slack.

Multiple suicide attempts because you didn't have the child you wanted. All the time you're being watched by the child you have.
I get that it must have been very hard for you, but I can't imagine it was any fun for your DSS to be told in a roundabout way, "You're not the child I want."

But also, sounds like normal teenager behaviour.

A lot of teenage boys are crap at things like this, even with their birth mothers. My 18 year old got me nothing and we are very close.

YABU you aren't his Mum.

He has had to put up with a lot plus you are not his mother, don't put this on to him

It does sound like it was DH not DSS previously.

To be fair he's 17 and probably hasn't done anything for his own mum either

This is why I could never ever think of another child as my own or treat them like my own. You could bring them up from a baby, do all the motherly things and then rightly told you are not their mother. Yanbu op, pretty sad but that’s what it comes down to. Could it be that he is busy and there is still time to the day for him to wish you.

I’m guessing you are in oz as it’s md there as my friends there

No, you're not his mum, and it sounds like your husband has been facilitating this and so your stepson forgot. It was a nice thought of your husband, but has unfortunately built up expectations. If you were his mum, you could just have brought it up yourself as in "Hey, it's mother's day, did you forget?!" But the relationship is different because you're not his mum.

DS loves me I know that I also know that he would do absolutely nothing for birthdays/Mothers Day/Fathers Day if it wasn’t for his older sister who organises it all. To be honest unless it appeared on his social media feed or his friends mentioned it he wouldn’t know If DD didn’t tell him about it!

It is in the opening post that they aren't. Did you not read it?

I'm a mum and a step mum so have the perspectives of both sides. It would have been nice to receive something from him but in my view it needs to be led by him and his feelings. If he doesn't feel it's right then you have to respect that as there are so many reasons he may not have done so starting with he just forgot.

I would never want my stepdaughter to feel forced to get me a mothers day card or like she had to.

Mother’s Day must be a shitty day for you OP but please don’t direct your hurt and anger at your DSS.

My own adult son who I have a good relationship with often doesn’t wish me happy mother’s day. Boys can be thoughtless (though ds2 is not and got me some lovely perfume).

In my experience (2 DCs) no teenager does anything about Mother's Day unless Dad kicks them.

I think that's your explanation OP. His Dad's away. He probably doesn't even know it's Mother's Day.

Bluntly you aren’t his mum. Yes a card would have been nice as they do cards for step mums here in U.K. but know you aren’t in U.K.

but he’s also a teen

sounds like you’ve had a lot to deal with and I understand that as multiple failed ivf myself as well

but sounds like he has as well a lot to deal with if you have had multiple attempts on your life. I hope you are having counselling and therapy /support

in the end today is only a day and if a good relationship normally with step son don’t let this sour it

I’m sorry about your fertility struggles and suicide attempts – sounds really hard. I hope you are getting some support for that, ie therapy.

He isn’t your son but also, he’s a teenager. Teens are massively self-involved. Don’t take it personally.

You're putting way too much onto your DSS.

You've clearly had difficulties and deep sadness - it's not his job to make you feel better.

Plan acts of recognition for yourself, and ask your partner to recognise your contribution.

But don't put this onto your DSS.

Also saying you’ve played a bigger role than his own mum, I’m sorry op but that’s really not fair on his mum or him you’re putting such a big responsibility on the shoulders of a 17 year old. I’d be pissed off if I was his mum that’s a really unfair comment.

I’m a stepmother and have a good relationship with DSC. On Mother’s Day they usually get me a small ‘bonus’ mum gift BUT this is organised by my DH who asked them if they’d like to get me something. Big card and gift were saved for their mum. I know this isn’t easy but you’re not his mum.

Also OP - kindly what has the back story re IVF got to do with your DSS - it’s not his job to be some form of emotional support.

Most 17yo boys will barely manage to acknowledge mothers day for their own mum unless prompted to by their dad. If he calls you mum as a kindness, and if he sorted out mothers day things for his actual mum, then he might have thought of getting something for you (but still might have decided not to especially if his mum would feel hurt if he did). If either or both of these aren't the case then I don't think the thought would cross his mind and it's unreasonable to expect it to.

If that's not where you fit in his mental landscape, and giving cards etc on "xxxx day" isn't a cultural expression that he normally participates in without being managed by someone else's pushing, then it's just not going to happen.

Your own life struggles are not on his radar as something that might prompt a more compassionate and generous attitude. The best case scenario is that he barely thinks of these things. He's still a child and you are expecting him to be thinking of your needs and wishes as if he were an adult and counted you among his dearest friends.

I’ve had a few step mums growing up…..one was lovely, the other 2 were awful. I never even considered getting the lovely one a card or present on Mother’s Day. Although she was lovely, she wasn’t my mum.

I’m a step mum now myself. I have 3 DC of my own and 3DSC. I get on well with all of them, do a lot for them, have been part of their lives for 10+ years but I wouldn’t expect anything from them on Mother’s Day, they have their mum.

I know it can feel a bit mean that you’re not acknowledged but teen boys aren’t the best at remembering their own mums!