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Original poster

Should a Brain Surgeon be up at night with a baby doing night feeds ?

388 replies

Mondaytuesdayhappydays · 11/05/2025 00:12

Should a surgeon working full time, operating on patients each day be up with a baby at night doing 2/3 hourly feeds.

If they were operating in your child and had had only 3/4 hours sleep each night over the last fortnight would this be acceptable to you?

OP posts:
TeenLifeMum · 11/05/2025 19:48

Dh worked long hours but helped every feed. He’d change the nappy and hand me the baby the swap (twins). If he had an important meeting then he’d miss a feed so he’d get a bit more sleep but rarely did that. Surgeons don’t tend to be in theatre every day - they run clinics and see patients, make patient plans. On theatre list days then you could give them more sleep but they don’t get out of all nights imo.

littlemousebigcheese · 11/05/2025 19:47

sorry sorry, didn’t read the thread, my bad!!

littlemousebigcheese · 11/05/2025 19:45

I feel like this is a father trying to justify why he can’t help with a newborn.

Original poster
Mondaytuesdayhappydays · 11/05/2025 19:43

Helloworlditsmeagain · 11/05/2025 19:39

Your dd has to get used to doing the lion share of taking care of the baby. I am sure she will figure it out and you're worrying for nothing. She has no choice.

Well that’s my attitude tbh-same as most of us all did.
My DH worked long hours and took all the overtime going as I stopped off work until
youngest was at school.
The idea he would be getting up at night was bonkers at that time.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mondaytuesdayhappydays · 11/05/2025 19:41

Helloworlditsmeagain · 11/05/2025 19:34

Who is doing the lions share of the night feeds at the moment?

Sharing equally i believe- not heard any complaints either side on that front

OP posts:
Helloworlditsmeagain · 11/05/2025 19:39

Your dd has to get used to doing the lion share of taking care of the baby. I am sure she will figure it out and you're worrying for nothing. She has no choice.

Helloworlditsmeagain · 11/05/2025 19:34

Who is doing the lions share of the night feeds at the moment?

Original poster
Mondaytuesdayhappydays · 11/05/2025 19:31

user2848502016 · 11/05/2025 19:25

I would say no, but I would expect them to stay up with the baby and give a late night feed while their partner slept. Then the partner take over the rest of the night. Also doing night feeds or an early morning wake up one of their days off

Gosh yes
I can’t see that being an issue at all.
DIL is a cracking mum and I’d say that’s a given
I don’t think the issue sadly.

I’ve messaged and offered to stay over etc while they find a groove

I suppose I always imagined- rightly or wrongly- that two woman would smash this between them.

OP posts:
user2848502016 · 11/05/2025 19:25

I would say no, but I would expect them to stay up with the baby and give a late night feed while their partner slept. Then the partner take over the rest of the night. Also doing night feeds or an early morning wake up one of their days off

Original poster
Mondaytuesdayhappydays · 11/05/2025 19:15

Yes I think ‘shell shocked’ is an apt description.
DD not ready for overnights (DIL would kill
for one)
I try to be as present as possible

OP posts:
reesespieces123 · 11/05/2025 19:12

Honestly? It sounds like your DD being a SAHP is going to be a recipe for resentment and long-term she needs to think about work.

LivingLaVidaBabyShower · 11/05/2025 19:11

Hmmm...i def think DIL is being reasonable for working days its not like its an office job AND they are dependent on DILs career

your DD sounds like motherhood has left her shell shocked (I can relate 😵‍💫😅)

I think if you are prepared to do a night or two with the baby would it be an option to offer that once a week or something???

She should also start reading up on sleep training to start on that at 6m...

Original poster
Mondaytuesdayhappydays · 11/05/2025 19:10

ParmaVioletTea · 11/05/2025 18:29

In the circumstances you describe, I think your DD is being unreasonable. If her wife needs the rest, she needs the rest, particularly as I presume your DiL is the main/only breadwinner, and they both rely on her abilities & skills for a nice lifestyle.

My DD used to out earn her DW by a country mile in IT but she hated it and has no desire to go back.
I think they will find their way but apparently the bedroom idea is ‘ on hold’ atm and they are at a stalemate.

OP posts:
ParmaVioletTea · 11/05/2025 18:29

In the circumstances you describe, I think your DD is being unreasonable. If her wife needs the rest, she needs the rest, particularly as I presume your DiL is the main/only breadwinner, and they both rely on her abilities & skills for a nice lifestyle.

Original poster
Mondaytuesdayhappydays · 11/05/2025 18:23

moveoveralice · 11/05/2025 18:10

DD is raging at the spare bedroom idea and saying lots of things along the lines of PP’s about sharing the load and DE needing to get on other it like any other professional

Your DD sounds immature and selfish. She will be the SAHP while her partner, a neurosurgeon, goes out to work. Getting up and doing night feeds shouldn't be expected at all. She clearly doesn't respect the nature of her wife's job and is only thinking of her own needs and wants.

Yes I see your point totally. She is quite a ‘character’ my daughter. Lovely but can be hard work and very stubborn.
I think she’s run ragged ( both are)
Shes a perfectionist and I think mum life not going as smoothly as she imagined, is hard for her.
They are both late 30s also and If I’m
totally honest I don’t see the same level of energy and resilience as I or my peers had in early/ mid 20s with a first baby (I would never obviously say that in real life)

OP posts:
Helloworlditsmeagain · 11/05/2025 18:19

LilDeVille · 11/05/2025 18:13

Is it now 😄 did you indeed 😅

Show quote history

The op updated after my post so pea off.

Original poster
Mondaytuesdayhappydays · 11/05/2025 18:18

Helloworlditsmeagain · 11/05/2025 18:17

For the collic advise your DD and DIL to buy colief it's a life saver. Do they have a baby rocking chair also a life saver for when baby needs rocking to sleep. Your Dil needs to get her sleep as well and your dd can sleep in the day. I agree with your dil.

https://www.boots.com/colief-infant-drops-15ml-10190405?traffic=paid.shopping&gad_source=1&gad_campaignid=19973634862&gbraid=0AAAAA-AdmwSbfO3bP_mb9ho0laS4BVXfD&gclsrc=ds

Ah that’s so helpful - thankyou will check that out and pass on xx

OP posts:
LilDeVille · 11/05/2025 18:13

Helloworlditsmeagain · 11/05/2025 16:46

It's obvious the baby night feeder is her husband. She wouldn't know if a surgeon from the hospital was doing that. They have to be professional and not talk about their private lives. I used common sense and filled in the gaps.

Show quote history

Is it now 😄 did you indeed 😅

moveoveralice · 11/05/2025 18:10

DD is raging at the spare bedroom idea and saying lots of things along the lines of PP’s about sharing the load and DE needing to get on other it like any other professional

Your DD sounds immature and selfish. She will be the SAHP while her partner, a neurosurgeon, goes out to work. Getting up and doing night feeds shouldn't be expected at all. She clearly doesn't respect the nature of her wife's job and is only thinking of her own needs and wants.

Original poster
Mondaytuesdayhappydays · 11/05/2025 17:35

Sorry I’ve been on nan duties today.
Sorry I meant neurosurgeon of that’s the correct term.

It DD and her DW my DIL

DIL goes back to work in a couple of weeks and wants to set up the spare room as a room she can rest undisturbed when working the next day.
DD will be a SAHP for the foreseeable, which is absolutely what she wants as
Baby is 4 moths old and bottle fed. Very nocturnal and is used to being held in arms a lot. Still waking a lot in night and colicky. Sleeps in their room.
Both are sleep deprived and stressed.
there absolutely is not enough money for a night nanny - and I think neither would be mortified at the suggestion of a stranger in the house. Plus I think DIL feels that this would be crazy as DD is at home and can rest in day etc.
DIL is very driven and quite practical but very no nonsense and is clear she needs her rest when working as the old days of pulling all nighters etc are well behind her.
She still has a way to go career wise I’m told (not sure I understand how the progression side of it works)

While DIL off they have shared everything and I have no concerns neither does not pull their weight.

DD is raging at the spare bedroom idea and saying lots of things along the lines of PP’s about sharing the load and DE needing to get on other it like any other professional.

I think DD is panicking maybe about being alone while DIL works long hours and then throwing the nights thing in has maybe tipped her over the edge.

The replies were very insightful tho.
Thankyou all x

OP posts:
Helloworlditsmeagain · 11/05/2025 16:46

WhiteWashingSunnyDay · 11/05/2025 14:04

Have you read a different OP to me?

Show quote history

It's obvious the baby night feeder is her husband. She wouldn't know if a surgeon from the hospital was doing that. They have to be professional and not talk about their private lives. I used common sense and filled in the gaps.

CleverButScatty · 11/05/2025 16:30

What if both mum and dad are neurosurgeons?
I would assume that that would plan their working week around each other.
I suspect this god like treatment of surgeons is only for male surgeons who have a wife sorting out everything else.

CleverButScatty · 11/05/2025 16:27

IwasDueANameChange · 11/05/2025 00:20

There are plenty of jobs where you need tobe well rested to make critical decisions.

This.

But also a neurosurgeon doesn't spend all their time in theatre. There are quite a lot of chunks of time doing other things that aren't operating.

Also... is it safe for a woman with sole charge of a tiny baby, to be up doing night feeds all night?

We're assuming that the brain surgeon is male...

reesespieces123 · 11/05/2025 15:59

footpath · 11/05/2025 12:28

The surgeons on my road, at the private school I work at & in my family aren't short of a bob...

Not all surgeons have big private practices

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