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Original poster

Expectations for driving to meet ex for child handover

87 replies

Nolongersureofmyself · 10/05/2025 21:04

Hi all,

Please may I ask for some external perspective...

My ex and I have a child. My ex moved abroad a few years ago. We have a child arrangements order in place. One element of which is that, if we can’t agree on a handover location, then it is five mins from my home.

My ex stays in some random places when he visits, sometimes a couple of hours away. This next visit is up north with his parents. On other occasions, I’ve done my best to meet him halfway and I went over and above last time as he had an issue.

This time, he has said he considers halfway to be Heathrow airport, which is clearly convenient for him as he flies in there.

Surely I can’t be expected to drive all the way to Heathrow. I’ve offered a journey which is an hour and a half from me, so a three hour round trip. He would have 45 minute drive from Heathrow to meet me and then his onward journey to his parents. In terms of travel time in total, for both legs...mine is 6 hours and his would be 7

I drive 1.5 hours out and back on trip 1 = 3 hours x 2 (collection)
He drives 45 mins to meet and then 2.5 hours to his parents = 3.5 hours x 2

The additional leg to Heathrow for me would be a further 45 mins each way.

He is basically saying that I should drive halfway no matter where he chooses to stay. He could stay literally anywhere in the country and still expect this.

Am I unreasonable. I’m trying to be decent and did way more than was required last time. That doesn’t seem to count for anything this time round and last time it just ended up with him shouting at me the day after and then telling our child how useless I am.

Please be honest, in a kindly way. Thanks

OP posts:
raysan · 10/05/2025 21:43

It implies that you should try to agree, yes. How long is he having the kids for? Seems unnecessary for them to be stuck in cars from the south west to the north (and back).

Would he split the trip? Stay nearer you one or two night, visit parents without kids?

Bunnyisputbackinthebox · 10/05/2025 21:42

Time to accept you can't co parent with a cunt..

Original poster
Nolongersureofmyself · 10/05/2025 21:42

Snorlaxo · 10/05/2025 21:40

If the table were turned, wouldn’t he pull the 5 minutes from home card?

You tried so pull the card. The caveat is there because agreeing can be hard and they don’t want you and ex back in court. Stop being your own worst enemy and appeasing him.

He probably would do that, you are right. Even the judge noted he wanted it all his own way!

OP posts:
Original poster
Nolongersureofmyself · 10/05/2025 21:40

MikeRafone · 10/05/2025 21:34

He is taking the piss

then shouting at you when you help him out

Id offer somewhere like Bristol or possibly Swindon as half way - take it or leave it

It was pretty astonishing!

OP posts:
Snorlaxo · 10/05/2025 21:40

If the table were turned, wouldn’t he pull the 5 minutes from home card?

You tried so pull the card. The caveat is there because agreeing can be hard and they don’t want you and ex back in court. Stop being your own worst enemy and appeasing him.

Original poster
Nolongersureofmyself · 10/05/2025 21:40

AdaColeman · 10/05/2025 21:35

Follow the terms of the Court Order.
He is manipulating and controlling you, stop facilitating his manipulation.

He is your Ex, you don't have to please him or help him or even be fair to him, you just have to obey the Court Order. So do that.

I do see it for what it is, I think,. But I do want to try to be reasonable. I do think in this case I am pretty reasonable. Maybe I don’t see it clearly in reality!

OP posts:
Original poster
Nolongersureofmyself · 10/05/2025 21:35

MikeRafone · 10/05/2025 21:34

He is taking the piss

then shouting at you when you help him out

Id offer somewhere like Bristol or possibly Swindon as half way - take it or leave it

That and slagging me off to our child as well....brilliant isn’t it!

OP posts:
AdaColeman · 10/05/2025 21:35

Follow the terms of the Court Order.
He is manipulating and controlling you, stop facilitating his manipulation.

He is your Ex, you don't have to please him or help him or even be fair to him, you just have to obey the Court Order. So do that.

Original poster
Nolongersureofmyself · 10/05/2025 21:34

Toomanydogwalks · 10/05/2025 21:33

I think you’re being incredibly reasonable OP.
Stick to your guns, your offer or the Court Order 5 mins job.

Thank you. I’m holding out so far!

OP posts:
MikeRafone · 10/05/2025 21:34

He is taking the piss

then shouting at you when you help him out

Id offer somewhere like Bristol or possibly Swindon as half way - take it or leave it

Original poster
Nolongersureofmyself · 10/05/2025 21:33

Avocadosandlimes · 10/05/2025 21:30

You need to be really clear, in writing. E.g. this is what I am offering, as a goodwill gesture. If you do not agree, you can pick child up from (something 5 mins down the road), as per court order.

If he is likely to end up being aggressive or shouting at you again, then I would go for the five mins option with someone other than you doing the handover.

I’d like us to use Our Family Wizard and am planning to ask for this in our next court visit. For now, it’s all in email.

OP posts:
Toomanydogwalks · 10/05/2025 21:33

I think you’re being incredibly reasonable OP.
Stick to your guns, your offer or the Court Order 5 mins job.

Original poster
Nolongersureofmyself · 10/05/2025 21:32

Loafbeginsat60 · 10/05/2025 21:29

My ex tried this - wanted me to drive to him each time the dc were due to come home.

I reminded him that the other 28 days a month I do all the other parenting, school runs, driving to activities etc etc and he can either pick up and drop off or not see them.

If he saw them more frequently I would have been happy to share the driving

That is true. I hadn’t thought of all the other driving I do!

OP posts:
Original poster
Nolongersureofmyself · 10/05/2025 21:30

Lolapusht · 10/05/2025 21:29

How far away did he live before he moved abroad? What was “halfway” when the order was granted?

There wasn’t a halfway then either. He was abroad then.

OP posts:
CatsorDogsrule · 10/05/2025 21:30

He should fly to an airport near to his child. It's his choice not to.

You should agree to no more than 30 mins to an hour, considering that the court says 5 mins is fair.

Avocadosandlimes · 10/05/2025 21:30

You need to be really clear, in writing. E.g. this is what I am offering, as a goodwill gesture. If you do not agree, you can pick child up from (something 5 mins down the road), as per court order.

If he is likely to end up being aggressive or shouting at you again, then I would go for the five mins option with someone other than you doing the handover.

Lolapusht · 10/05/2025 21:29

How far away did he live before he moved abroad? What was “halfway” when the order was granted?

Loafbeginsat60 · 10/05/2025 21:29

My ex tried this - wanted me to drive to him each time the dc were due to come home.

I reminded him that the other 28 days a month I do all the other parenting, school runs, driving to activities etc etc and he can either pick up and drop off or not see them.

If he saw them more frequently I would have been happy to share the driving

Original poster
Nolongersureofmyself · 10/05/2025 21:27

HopscotchBanana · 10/05/2025 21:24

One element of which is that, if we can’t agree on a handover location, then it is five mins from my home.

Why aren't you sticking to your court order?

What's so hard about saying "I will do an hour round trip but no more as it's a goodwill gesture, so let me know where in that radius suits you - or alternatively the village hall car park which is 5 minutes from my house as per the court order. Let me know which you would prefer?"

the order said ‘unless we can agree otherwise’ so they want us to try to work it out.

im trying to stick to what I think is reasonable but he is hard work and manipulative.

OP posts:
Original poster
Nolongersureofmyself · 10/05/2025 21:26

BlackPantherPrincess · 10/05/2025 21:23

His parents can come collect your child then? You’re separated, it’s not your job to trail around after him anymore.

Show quote history

they are elderly, unfortunately.

OP posts:
HopscotchBanana · 10/05/2025 21:24

One element of which is that, if we can’t agree on a handover location, then it is five mins from my home.

Why aren't you sticking to your court order?

What's so hard about saying "I will do an hour round trip but no more as it's a goodwill gesture, so let me know where in that radius suits you - or alternatively the village hall car park which is 5 minutes from my house as per the court order. Let me know which you would prefer?"

Original poster
Nolongersureofmyself · 10/05/2025 21:24

Soontobe60 · 10/05/2025 21:22

How often are these visits?

Infrequent, he hasn’t been as much as was ordered but I think is trying to get on track in terms of the order.

OP posts:
BlackPantherPrincess · 10/05/2025 21:23

Nolongersureofmyself · 10/05/2025 21:20

I live in the south west. His parents are north. Heathrow is just convenient for him. If I say five mins from my house then he will have to drive 2+ hours down here then 4 hours to his parents so not really great.

Show quote history

His parents can come collect your child then? You’re separated, it’s not your job to trail around after him anymore.

Original poster
Nolongersureofmyself · 10/05/2025 21:23

Whispee · 10/05/2025 21:17

Agree doesn't mean doing whatever he decides though. It's not reasonable to travel hours to one of (if not the) busiest airports in the country and the associated traffic and general nightmare-ness. If he choose to fly into there he has a great variety of public transport options if he can't hire a car, probably some of the best connections in the country so he can meet you somewhere sensible. If you're happy to travel a bit then be firm that it's x place or will revert to the order.

He’s hiring a car. I think the total travel time for each of us is fair. I’m trying to stick to it but he’s saying it’s not halfway...I’m not sure why it has to be halfway given the circumstances and all the extra I did last time.

OP posts:
Soontobe60 · 10/05/2025 21:22

How often are these visits?

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