Page 2 | Expectations for driving to meet ex for child handover

Nolongersureofmyself · 2025-05-10T20:04:39+00:00

Hi all, Please may I ask for some external perspective... My ex and I have a child. My ex moved abroad a few years ago. We have a child arrangements order in place. One element of which is that, if we can’t agree on a handover location, then it is five mins from my home. My ex stays in some random places when he visits, sometimes a couple of hours away. This next visit is up north with his parents. On other occasions, I’ve done my best to meet him halfway and I went over and above last time as he had an issue. This time, he has said he considers halfway to be Heathrow airport, which is clearly convenient for him as he flies in there. Surely I can’t be expected to drive all the way to Heathrow. I’ve offered a journey which is an hour and a half from me, so a three hour round trip. He would have 45 minute drive from Heathrow to meet me and then his onward journey to his parents. In terms of travel time in total, for both legs...mine is 6 hours and his would be 7 I drive 1.5 hours out and back on trip 1 = 3 hours x 2 (collection) He drives 45 mins to meet and then 2.5 hours to his parents = 3.5 hours x 2 The additional leg to Heathrow for me would be a further 45 mins each way. He is basically saying that I should drive halfway no matter where he chooses to stay. He could stay literally anywhere in the country and still expect this. Am I unreasonable. I’m trying to be decent and did way more than was required last time. That doesn’t seem to count for anything this time round and last time it just ended up with him shouting at me the day after and then telling our child how useless I am. Please be honest, in a kindly way. Thanks

vipersnest1 · 10/05/2025 22:07

‘DCX will be at Y place at Z time. Let
me know if you would like to go ahead with seeing them.’ You need to lay the path for the way you want things moving forward.

28Fluctuations · 10/05/2025 22:06

I was thinking after reading your OP, and the 5-minute scenario in the court order, that the judge did NOT expect you to agree. The court expected your ex to be massively unreasonable. They done you a good 'un, OP. That judge saw his cuntish behaviour and gave you a pass.

BakelikeBertha · 10/05/2025 22:04

I agree with 'Nameftgigb', you're running around trying to be nice, still putting his needs before your own, as I suspect you did when you were together, and all this while he's bad mouthing you to your children. In my opinion your offer this time is MORE than reasonable, and having bent over backwards to help him last time, it should be HIM trying much harder to make it easier for you this time. Take the advice being given here, offer what you're happy to do, if it's 30 minutes, then that's fine, if he doesn't like it, he can collect them from 5 minutes away. He's shooting himself in the foot by being difficult, so time to make him realise that YOU have been MORE THAN REASONABLE, and if he won't play ball, well he'll be the one to pay the consequences.

ForgettingMeNot · 10/05/2025 22:04

How old is your child and once handed over to your ex, how will he be travelling with the child. Unless an older child, I’d be making whatever trip the most comfortable for the child and not the parents

Original poster

Nolongersureofmyself · 10/05/2025 22:03

BlueTitShark · 10/05/2025 21:53

I’d take it another way.
How much are you happy to drive @Nolongersureofmyself? And how much have you driven before? About 1~1.5 hours?
Then I’d set that as a boundary and tell him you are happy to bring dc over but you’re not going to drive more than <insert time. 1 hour?> from home. Where does he want to meet up?

I think 1.5 hours is enough, I have to get home so that’s a three hour round trip. I’ve driven a bit more before but it felt like too much.

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CanOfMangoTango · 10/05/2025 22:01

No, he should be flying into Bristol even if its a less convenient flight

The fact he thinks it's reasonable to get you to drive to Heathrow is fucking delulu

Original poster

Nolongersureofmyself · 10/05/2025 22:01

Ruffpuff · 10/05/2025 21:56

Be strong and firm with this one.

I also have an arse of an ex and if I gave an inch then he’d take a mile. It took me time to realise that by being generous and reasonable, even when I didn’t have to be, he would expect and demand more while rubbing it in my face and implying I was a terrible mother if I ever disagreed. In reality I was the one doing all the hard work. Things only went back to an agreeable state (as much as it can be) after I put my foot down one day.

Pull right back, say he’s blown his chance and if he wants to see his children then he can drive to 5 mins near your house to collect them. He lives abroad so I’m assuming you do all the parenting and he dips in and out when he feels like it. There’s no court in the land that wouldn’t support you on this one.

That’s exactly what he does! Over and over!

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Original poster

Nolongersureofmyself · 10/05/2025 22:00

nopineapplepizza · 10/05/2025 21:57

He’s messed with your head so much, you cannot see how ridiculous he’s being.

You parenting your DC practically full time is what allows him to work and live abroad.

He should be on his knees with gratitude for you.

But he’s now, because he’s a self-centred twat.

I would honestly never have this conversation with him again and simply say that from this date forward he ALWAYS picks up his child 5 mins from yours. There’s no more negotiation, he had a fair offer and he fucked it up, you’ll be sticking with the court order going forward.

I do think he’s messed with my head. Hence my username I guess!

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Original poster

Nolongersureofmyself · 10/05/2025 21:58

Nameftgigb · 10/05/2025 21:54

Why are you making excuses for him for every single suggestion? Where he’s living, how far he’s travelling, how he’s travelling, where he’s staying, how old his parents are, none of this is your concern. You have the children during your contact time, he needs to make the arrangements for his contact time. Refusing to facilitate whatever he feels like doing each every time will probably create more stability for your children. He’ll have to think ahead and put something sensible in place for his contact times, rather than have you drive your children hundreds of miles all around the country to drop them off wherever he’s dictating you to

Show quote history

Do you think I am, oh, I hadn’t thought of it like that. I just feel under pressure from court.

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nopineapplepizza · 10/05/2025 21:57

He’s messed with your head so much, you cannot see how ridiculous he’s being.

You parenting your DC practically full time is what allows him to work and live abroad.

He should be on his knees with gratitude for you.

But he’s now, because he’s a self-centred twat.

I would honestly never have this conversation with him again and simply say that from this date forward he ALWAYS picks up his child 5 mins from yours. There’s no more negotiation, he had a fair offer and he fucked it up, you’ll be sticking with the court order going forward.

Ruffpuff · 10/05/2025 21:56

Be strong and firm with this one.

I also have an arse of an ex and if I gave an inch then he’d take a mile. It took me time to realise that by being generous and reasonable, even when I didn’t have to be, he would expect and demand more while rubbing it in my face and implying I was a terrible mother if I ever disagreed. In reality I was the one doing all the hard work. Things only went back to an agreeable state (as much as it can be) after I put my foot down one day.

Pull right back, say he’s blown his chance and if he wants to see his children then he can drive to 5 mins near your house to collect them. He lives abroad so I’m assuming you do all the parenting and he dips in and out when he feels like it. There’s no court in the land that wouldn’t support you on this one.

Original poster

Nolongersureofmyself · 10/05/2025 21:55

Bunnyisputbackinthebox · 10/05/2025 21:52

Write a meticulous time line of visits /his expectations of you /the handovers... Printing off any abusive /sulky messages...
Seems just one half of the parents is trying to be reasonable...
Clue - it's isn't him.

It’s so dreadful to have to do it but I have been. I’ve had some pretty upsetting messages.

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Nameftgigb · 10/05/2025 21:54

Nolongersureofmyself · 10/05/2025 21:26

they are elderly, unfortunately.

Show quote history

Why are you making excuses for him for every single suggestion? Where he’s living, how far he’s travelling, how he’s travelling, where he’s staying, how old his parents are, none of this is your concern. You have the children during your contact time, he needs to make the arrangements for his contact time. Refusing to facilitate whatever he feels like doing each every time will probably create more stability for your children. He’ll have to think ahead and put something sensible in place for his contact times, rather than have you drive your children hundreds of miles all around the country to drop them off wherever he’s dictating you to

BlueTitShark · 10/05/2025 21:53

I’d take it another way.
How much are you happy to drive @Nolongersureofmyself? And how much have you driven before? About 1~1.5 hours?
Then I’d set that as a boundary and tell him you are happy to bring dc over but you’re not going to drive more than <insert time. 1 hour?> from home. Where does he want to meet up?

Original poster

Nolongersureofmyself · 10/05/2025 21:53

SparklyGlitterballs · 10/05/2025 21:50

You're going above and beyond by doing the 3hr round trip. It was his choice to move abroad and you don't have to facilitate him. Stand firm OP and stick to what you've offered.

Thank you. I do think it’s fair. Will stick to it.

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Bunnyisputbackinthebox · 10/05/2025 21:52

Write a meticulous time line of visits /his expectations of you /the handovers... Printing off any abusive /sulky messages...
Seems just one half of the parents is trying to be reasonable...
Clue - it's isn't him.

Original poster

Nolongersureofmyself · 10/05/2025 21:52

nopineapplepizza · 10/05/2025 21:49

You are doing the bulk of the parenting, he flies in every now and then to see his child, the least he can do is pick them up from yours.

There will be no further discussions going forward, pick up from this point onwards is five minutes away from your home. End of.

He shouldn’t have left the country if he wanted to be a decent parent 🤷‍♀️

He is the only one who does any parenting, apparently. I am useless, stupid and a terrible parent so I’m told.

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SparklyGlitterballs · 10/05/2025 21:50

You're going above and beyond by doing the 3hr round trip. It was his choice to move abroad and you don't have to facilitate him. Stand firm OP and stick to what you've offered.

nopineapplepizza · 10/05/2025 21:49

You are doing the bulk of the parenting, he flies in every now and then to see his child, the least he can do is pick them up from yours.

There will be no further discussions going forward, pick up from this point onwards is five minutes away from your home. End of.

He shouldn’t have left the country if he wanted to be a decent parent 🤷‍♀️

Original poster

Nolongersureofmyself · 10/05/2025 21:49

AdaColeman · 10/05/2025 21:47

Be sure to keep a detailed record of his demands and your offers when setting up the visits. He sounds just the type to want to go back to Court to get the Order altered for his benefit.

That’s exactly what has happened! Going back in a few weeks!

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Original poster

Nolongersureofmyself · 10/05/2025 21:48

I’ll mention that, thank you.

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AdaColeman · 10/05/2025 21:47

Be sure to keep a detailed record of his demands and your offers when setting up the visits. He sounds just the type to want to go back to Court to get the Order altered for his benefit.

clarrylove · 10/05/2025 21:47

He should fly into Bristol. If you are SW, I would suggest meeting there as a good compromise.

Original poster

Nolongersureofmyself · 10/05/2025 21:46

raysan · 10/05/2025 21:43

It implies that you should try to agree, yes. How long is he having the kids for? Seems unnecessary for them to be stuck in cars from the south west to the north (and back).

Would he split the trip? Stay nearer you one or two night, visit parents without kids?

He’s visiting for a week. He won’t split the trip as staying with his parents is free...

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Original poster

Nolongersureofmyself · 10/05/2025 21:44

Bunnyisputbackinthebox · 10/05/2025 21:42

Time to accept you can't co parent with a cunt..

I have come to that realisation just recently funnily enough. I came across parallel parenting and it dawned on me that this is probably the only way now.

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