Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is my four year old spoilt?

63 replies

Throwawayyyy · 10/05/2025 18:08

Changed name. Been here years. Sistine chapel, weird mobile found in the back garden etc.

I have concerns about my four year old DC. To begin with, I have ADHD. I don’t know if my DC has it because I can’t tell what’s normal child-like behaviour and what isn’t if I’m honest, I had no experience of kids before having DC.

They are a very bright and fun-loving child and I have had no complaints about their behaviour at school, they seem to be well liked and always good reports. But at home, there are aspects about their behaviour that I really dislike. They aren’t naughty per se but I find them rude. They aren’t always demanding toys or crap food and kick off if they don’t get it. If we’re out and I talk to someone else they get into a hissy fit and hit me. They get wound up about the idea of another child touching their things and hit cross with me a few weeks back because I borrowed a pound from them for a supermarket trolley as I didn’t have any change. I asked them and they went ballistic at the idea of me borrowing something even though they were reassured they would get it back.

I say no to most requests, I discipline behaviour I don’t think is okay but it’s like they forget immediately. So they might be rude to me, they get into trouble, five minutes later they’re rude again. Three times today they’ve interrupted and shouted and hit me when I’ve been talking to another adult, even though all three times it was a minute or two. They want me with them all the time and if I am busy, say cooking, they get really angry and cry.

I don’t know what is normal or if this is spoilt behaviour? When we have play dates they seem to be just like other kids and I have no concerns, but alone their behaviour seems so rude that it’s making me concerned that they will grow up spoilt. But I don’t spoil them at all? They aren’t showered with gifts or anything, but they ask me every day, every time we’re out it’s all ‘I want, I want’ and it’s embarrassing.

P.S sorry if they ‘they’ is annoying, I’m trying to maintain anonymity. It’s just one kid though.

OP posts:
EmmaOvary · 10/05/2025 18:37

ThejoyofNC · 10/05/2025 18:35

If my child kept hitting me I'd smack them.

You’d be physically violent towards a child? Nice.

ThejoyofNC · 10/05/2025 18:35

If my child kept hitting me I'd smack them.

Original poster
Throwawayyyy · 10/05/2025 18:34

Whatafustercluck · 10/05/2025 18:33

It does sound a lot like my dd when she was younger. She's awaiting assessment for autism & adhd. If you've tried the usual behaviour management strategies and they're not working then it's possible he has inherited adhd from you. Either way though, lack of routine won't be helping so I think you do need to try to find one.

Okay thank you. I will need to have a think about it. It’s hard because we just do things depending on whether and what else is going on. I struggle with routine but I’ll do it for them. I’m very spontaneous as I find it calming.

OP posts:
Whatafustercluck · 10/05/2025 18:33

It does sound a lot like my dd when she was younger. She's awaiting assessment for autism & adhd. If you've tried the usual behaviour management strategies and they're not working then it's possible he has inherited adhd from you. Either way though, lack of routine won't be helping so I think you do need to try to find one.

Original poster
Throwawayyyy · 10/05/2025 18:33

Idunno8 · 10/05/2025 18:30

Sen issues or not, hitting is unacceptable. Hissy fits are understandable, they’re allowed their emotions, adults can struggle to regulate, so as long as you don’t think their disproportionate then its not an issue. If you do think they’re an issue I’d just make sure not to bend to the hissy fit ‘wants’ , plus teaching calming breathing.

We do calm breathing and sometimes they’re great and sometimes they just refuse. The hissy fits aren’t awful, it’s the rudeness and the selfishness that breaks me. The constant demand for stuff, more stuff. But they’ve never been spoilt like that so I don’t get where it has come from or if it’s just a stage they go through?

I agree about the hitting. They only ever hit me and only under certain circumstances. I don’t know how many times I have dealt with it but it just happens again. It’s like discipline just doesn’t work.

OP posts:
Idunno8 · 10/05/2025 18:30

Sen issues or not, hitting is unacceptable. Hissy fits are understandable, they’re allowed their emotions, adults can struggle to regulate, so as long as you don’t think their disproportionate then its not an issue. If you do think they’re an issue I’d just make sure not to bend to the hissy fit ‘wants’ , plus teaching calming breathing.

Original poster
Throwawayyyy · 10/05/2025 18:28

Snoodley · 10/05/2025 18:17

No idea but mine is similar. Great reports from preschool, good at sharing with her friends, never hits or pushes etc (touch wood of course), bright, sociable and fun. With me she's a bloody nightmare though! I think if anything it might be because boundaries at home are quite relaxed and we don't have much of a routine. DH and I also have ADHD.

We also don’t have much of a routine and school holidays are worse I think because of that. Maybe I should put in a routine but I really struggle with routine with ADHD, I need space and time.

OP posts:
Original poster
Throwawayyyy · 10/05/2025 18:27

Ablondiebutagoody · 10/05/2025 18:25

You need to stop accepting the shit behaviour so that they understand there are lines that they do not cross.

But I don’t accept it. I discipline but they don’t seem to care, they just do it again. I don’t know if they forget? They care in the moment then boom, forgotten.

OP posts:
Original poster
Throwawayyyy · 10/05/2025 18:26

HateThese4Leggedbeasts · 10/05/2025 18:16

There's definitely some behaviour to address. However a lot of 4yo are very self centred and bossy. It sounds like the bigger issues are around "sharing" you and your attention.

We have to go to the toilet together. I put my foot down and say ‘no, when I’m in the bathroom or getting dressed I want to be alone’ and they just cry and cry. I’m overwhelmed and exhausted because it’s just the two of us most of the time, apart from school and work. I try and socialise them as much as possible and they’re great with other kids! But other adults receive rudeness whether they try and engage or not and I find it so humiliating.

OP posts:
Ablondiebutagoody · 10/05/2025 18:25

You need to stop accepting the shit behaviour so that they understand there are lines that they do not cross.

Snoodley · 10/05/2025 18:17

No idea but mine is similar. Great reports from preschool, good at sharing with her friends, never hits or pushes etc (touch wood of course), bright, sociable and fun. With me she's a bloody nightmare though! I think if anything it might be because boundaries at home are quite relaxed and we don't have much of a routine. DH and I also have ADHD.

HateThese4Leggedbeasts · 10/05/2025 18:16

There's definitely some behaviour to address. However a lot of 4yo are very self centred and bossy. It sounds like the bigger issues are around "sharing" you and your attention.

InternetRandoms · 10/05/2025 18:13

I think it sounds very like my ADHD boy tbh. If you have ADHD there’s a very high chance they do too.