Is my four year old spoilt?

The hitting needs to be stopped for sure but at that age , my dd could be happily playing by herself, completely ignoring me , the minute I answered the phone she wanted my full attention.

@Throwawayyyy sorry for a derail on your thread. You've had some great responses that I hope you find helpful. Parenting a kid can be hard, sometimes really challenging - particularly so if you've no prior experience of kids (younger siblings when you were a kid, friends kids etc) I hope you can figure out a solution that helps make you both happier. x

I cant paste links for some reason but google 123 magic parenting book. It was well worth the 3 quid.

What happens when they do that, do you stop what you're doing? If you do then I guess they're learning that it works. But if you're consistent then I expect they will learn eventually. I've realised that a lot of parenting is a bit of a long game in that way.

Both my children one adhd and one autistic, the school have been the ones highlighting and pushing for a diognosis.
There is a great book that really heloed with my adhd son called 123 magic.
But it actually did not helpnwith my autistic son.
Your local family centre will have some parenting courses too on parenting neurodivergent children. It might help give you some techniques and things to try, if your daughter is ND or not, the methods will give you some other ideas.
Things like visual timetables etc.

So if your child hit you, you'd hit them?

"Dont hit me" <smack>

What positive reinforcements do you think you are teaching your child by using that approach?

How many times is sufficient for you to decide that hitting them is ok?
At what age will you stop hitting them?

If you were cross with your wife/husband/friend - would you hit them too?

On their best behaviour = masking, which leads to meltdown when home as you are their safe space.

Yes, it sounds very similar to my 13 year old who is autistic & has adhd. The need for someone to be with him constantly, and wanting your attention to the exclusion of all other has been present all his life. He is better now older, but it can still be there.

The wanting stuff is also a common trait - it's the lack of filter, & compulsion to see it & want it. It's been a long road to counteract that. We still have to have a strict 'earning' of treats, but he is much better.

Predictability & telling them of what's planned will help you.

It's not an easy road. Wishing you the very best.

Try social stories - can find books or online. That explains social situations. Can help get discussion going.

you can make your own too. Do you have Lego toys? Lego people? You can make a basic house, make the toilet. Put the mummy in there.

Why does the mummy go alone? What should you do while she’s in there?
why is the boy crying ?

Ive used for both typical and ND child. Very interesting to hear child’s version of events or hear what other kids say when doing a social story of “unkind words”

PS you sound like a really loving Mum who cares for her child a lot.

Fyi the I want I want is pretty normal. As a child my Mum just tried to never take us to the shops as she couldn’t stand it. It could also be that before you go into a Shop you stop. Get down to his level and get eye contact say 'son we are going into Tescos. Here’s the list. What’s on it? You could draw some pictures maybe. Or have an app on the phone with photos of the items.‘ Lets do this together‘ when he asks for things you say 'we are getting the items on the list' Don’t say no or anything. Just stick to your guns.

I’m not sure I can answer on the adhd aspect op but I’ve thing I have noticed is that children really mimic. It’s their way of learning.

A few of the things you mention sound to me as though they could be your four year old being “ firm and stern” with you. It easy for us to understand when firmness is appropriate but I’m wondering if they are copying this when trying to “ put their foot down” on thd pound coin etc. When you say no you feel you are disciplining; when they say no it seems rude. Is there any possibility you need to modify your style of firmness? It’s easy to get it wrong because we know it’s needed!

Adhd Mum here. It does sound very possible to be adhd. Some thing to be aware of is the neurodivergent children are usually 1 year - 18 months younger developmentally than their biological age.
However I also have a son who was diagnosed with autism and I recognize what you say about the crying and carrying on. He could do it for hours.
What helped me was:
A routine. Quite strict. Yes I know this is boring.
Not too much explaining or choices.
Earplugs. (I am being serious)
And often I’m afraid I would ignore when a fuss was made eg when you borrowed the £ coin. Life isn’t always fair, they don’t have to understand everything you are doing. Stand firm when making a decision.
It is very very wearing. I also think little boys are like dogs. They need thoroughly tiring out. Swimming, running around in a park etc. And consequences - you know it’s perfectly ok to use reins if he runs away. You say we are doing x, I want you to hold me hand. If you don’t I will give you a warning eg hold my hand or we will need to use the reins to be safe. You warn, be doesn’t comply. Reins.
My son used to get very overwhelmed in busy crowded places and his behavior would deteriorate or be would run off. Because he was overwhelmed
I always used to remember it wasn’t naughtiness is was overwhelm. So it wasn’t a punishment but it was a consequence to manage the situation or keep him safe.
Also I would remind myself that I am in charge. Believe in my own authority.
But some things like hitting me were completely unacceptable and if it came to that then there would be a quick consequence and I required an apology and a hug. This was non negotiable.
Also a male figure to sometimes really be firm. Boys respond well to that. It’s helpful for them to have a male in their life they love and respect but also shows them self control. Maybe a martial arts or judo or something like that when he is a bit older. Mine also loved to talk about what he was interested in and that can be a good distraction.
ooh and visual clues

Sounds like my son who is going through autism assessments atm. He is very very protective of his things and people touching his things, cant deal with unexpected changes, is a nightmare shopping.
However, you dd is just 4 and a lot of this sounds like normal 4 year old behaviour to me too.

Sounds like my daughter, also potentially has ADHD. It is exhausting!

Do they have behavioural issues? Possibly.

Are they spoilt? No. That’s a word with a specific meaning that clearly doesn’t apply here.

Sounds very much like my step daughter who has ADHD, she even looks shocked when I tell her off again for the same thing 5 minutes later 🤦

Yep.

So when they hit you in front of people, do they get told off right then and there and marched home? They do it because they know it works.