Is my four year old spoilt?

And yes I think you're right that this shouldn't be a big way to get attention. Keep it short and sweet with the talking it through. Then move onto something else .

It sounds like what you're doing is fine. However, I think at this age talking things through to this extent probably wouldn't really do much. I would keep it to the consequence (if you're not playing nicely with the toy it's going on the shelf), minimal attention for when he's having a tantrum (so being there while he calms down but not rewarding it with loads of affection), then talking about the boundary after but keeping it simple and short. If you haven't tried them yet look up How To Talk So Little Children Listen ... And The Book You Wish Your Parents Had Read

Not all children are the same op. Those of us with more than one know you can treat them exactly the same and get a different outcome. It’s harder for you to trust that logic if you only have the one.

When it gets tough I think it helps to go back to basics. If there is one overriding thing a parent has to do ( besides keeping them physically safe) it is to make the child feel loved and secure. Yes, discipline is important; but it can be addressed to some extent “ tomorrow.” What cannot be “un-happened” is cruelty. You can seek help with the discipline if need be, but only you can make him feel his mum’s love. If you feel lost, just let that guide you till you can call in support.

Putting your foot down and setting a boundary means not letting them do it, even if they cry.

If you, "put your foot down", then they cry, and then you 'have to go to toilet together', all you have done is taught them that cry = get what you want.

Boundaries and discipline require you to be ok with you kid screaming and crying.

In any case, it sounds like for today at least it has actually worked?

I think what you are doing sounds so much better than hitting him op.

One thing I would say is, especially if there is ND involved, the fact that things don’t resolve immediately doesn’t mean you are doing anything “ wrong.” Parenting is hard. Children can be hard work. That’s why traditional systems of school and discipline resorted to shaming, intimidating and even corporal punishment. If they could have just asked the child to do things as they wanted, none of that would have come about.

Its so hard to know from an online post if maybe you are giving too much attention with it; I think that’s a valid concern. Maybe have a “ system” where you give the cuddles and explanation the first time ( that morning/ afternoon etc) but thereafter for that day try to just explain and reinforce the decision, rather than the cuddles etc. Children will repeat behaviours that get a gratifying response and you don’t want misbehaving / tantrums to be one his modes of getting affection ( plenty of adults actually do this this!!) . Just teach him whenever he wants a cuddle he can ask .

But yes, op, in a way it is just being consistent and waiting. I know that’s hard 💐

I disagree with hitting the child.

I posted before that children take us as examples. It might take a bit longer than frightening them into submission but it’s worth it. Longer term you are teaching them that when they are big enough they can hit.

My 6yo is quite like this. The hitting is a big problem and has got them suspended from school once. They are diagnosed with ASD and I think ADHD is likely too. We have quite a strict routine, but they are vvv sensory driven and meeting those needs is extremely difficult. I have found it helpful reading some of the other replies on this thread. Parenting ND children is very lonely and I ought to cone on here more often to remind myself that there is nothing new under the sun

No, we should stop them eating too many sweets, which is easily done - the parent buys the food. But the OP does not seem to be able to stop her own child from hitting her (which is what's actually horrible). She sounds absolutely desperate and at the end of her rope; if she doesn't take control, she'll make herself ill.

We all learn at some point that the way to keep ourselves safe from being hit is by not hitting people. If the child doesn't learn that now, they'll learn it from some other kids later. It tends to be a lesson that's quite quickly and easily learnt. Might as well learn it early, as well as learning that his / her mother is also a person, and must not be treated like this.

You know what else? The natural consequence of eating too many sweets is rotten teeth. Should she also pull their teeth out to teach a lesson?

Generally, we teach our child how to be safe so they can keep themselves safe from these kind of horrible consequences, not act them out ourselves.

That’s disturbing. Toddlers and young children learn through modelling our behaviour and if a parent hits them all it’s teaching them is that when people get angry it’s acceptable to hit/hurt others.

In the world outside your house, the natural consequence of hitting is that the other person is quite likely to hit you back. I know it's MN heresy, but perhaps this is one of those rare times when a smack might be worth considering? There's a good chance you won't have to do it more than once.

I trialled medication with her last year and, within hours, she developed physical tics. Tried her on the extended/slow release. Exactly the same issue.
Could have tried non-stimulant, but the physical tics distressed her so much, she asked to not try another medication, which of course I supported (she can always revisit medication when she is older).
She has a lot of support in school (she has learning difficulties) as she has an EHCP. What has helped her behaviour here, has been around 75% 1-2-1 support during learning time and a heavily differentiated curriculum. She is also allowed regular 'movement' breaks and she has some 'sensory circuits' she does with 'her' TA.
I think the kindness, respect and understanding she (generally) receives from the 'adults' at school, as well as the targeted 'learning' interventions from her EHCP were the game changer.
At home, the one thing I found invaluable for her and her twin have been a spinning sensory chair and 'Gym1 - Deluxe Indoor Doorway Gym for Kids Playground Set - All in One Gym Set' (a doorway hanging bars that came with a rope ladder, rope swing, 'normal' swing, trapeze and gymnastics rings). Got it from Amazon when the twins had just turned 3 and it saved my sanity during the second Lockdown and on crap weather days.
You're welcome to PM me any time. I'm not expert, but muddling through with all three of us being AuDHD has definitely been an adventure!
With swimming, I tried lessons when the girls were 4 and, again, when they were 5, but Twin 1 was in her own world and it wasn't the right time and Twin 2 was too scared to try.
Fast forward to now, they've got a great swim teacher who sees them once a week and Twin 1 is flying (well, swimming!) and Twin 2 is able to get in and out and muddle along with swimming aids!
And, honestly, there have been so many occasions when I've been absolutely mortified by her behaviour (Twin 2), but she really has settled down (she's still an absolute whirlwind, who never stops, won't leave me alone and kicks off at the slightest thing, but she is also a sweet, kind, funny, bright kid and I genuinely enjoy her company more of the time these days).
Sorry, that turned into an essay!
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You need to find the consequence that works for them. Every time you hit me, you will lose 5 minutes of TV time. Or whatever it is.

Yeah, shut the door and let them cry. If you do it every single time they will adjust. It's not cruelty, you're not actually harming them. You need to teach them that you also have needs and wishes and you don't always come last.

If I were you I would address the most pressing things (hitting and hissy fits) first. You really need to nip that in the bud ADHD or not. The fact you say you don’t really have a routine in the school holidays will definitely make it worse. My DD is a lot more chill than DS, so we didn’t really have that much of a routine with her, but DS has so much energy he needs it. He’s not ADHD I don’t think he’s just a boy and a bit more feral.

It’s hard to say if your child is spoiled based off one post, and I think only you and those around you know the real answer. Maybe ask someone who spends a lot of time with your child and who you know will shoot you straight? But I think all 4 year olds can be a bit self centred and bratty.

I feel your pain here! My 4yo does similar except more just shouting! She's my 3rd though and I think that while stressful now, mine were all quite stroppy at 4, and they did move through phases. I think if you keep trying they eventually accept it. It may not be quick but I think just being consistent is key.

I also know what you mean about not knowing how what is potential ND and what isn't! I'm also ND and not sure yet about any of my daughters. But either way I think we parent the child in front of us. I don't think that much of what you're describing is unusual. I think many kids do the snack pestering and are impatient/ want the full attention of their parent and get frustrated. I'd just keep doing what you're doing really as it sounds like you're doing the right thing.

I don't think your child sounds spoilt, no. Spoilt is when they are naughty to get what they want because it works.

Some aspects of what you've mentioned sounds similar to my Twin 2 (I have twin girls, aged 7, both of whom are AuDHD; twin 2 has very challenging and oppositional behaviours).
Twin 2 HAS improved a lot between 4 and 7 and actually no longer hits/kicks/etc me on a regular basis and has become more regulated when we are out and about; she no longer kicks off as much when I 'dare to talk to someone else.
At home, I've always tried to keep things low demand, with indoor and outdoor play equipment (hanging bars, gymnastics frame, balance boards, trampolines etc) to help her manage her hyperactivity.
This year, FINALLY, I've actually managed to enlist her in 1-2-1 swimming lessons and one gymnastics class after school per week (which was totally impossible before, as she struggled so much and her behaviour was deplorable).
Doesn't sound like she is spoilt at all; sounds like a child who finds life challenging and whose resultant behaviour is challenging.
I know from looks and comments I had over the years that some people thought my twins were 'spoilt' or brats because of their behaviour.
I can't say Twin 2 is at all easy at 7 or a constant delight, but I'm very proud of her for all the progress she has made and for the way she faces the challenges her conditions bring her in daily living.