Page 3 | To respond more harshly next time my MIL tries to guess if I’m pregnant? How?

annabelfr · 2025-05-10T13:56:38+00:00

We’ve been trying for a baby for years, and now I’m finally pregnant. My MIL has developed a habit recently of making pointed comments — for example, she once called me over and said loudly, “LOOK! You’ll want to see this,” then pointed to a sign that said something like “Not recommended for pregnant women due to high temperatures” (it was outside a sauna). At the time I wasn’t pregnant, and I just awkwardly said something like, “Yep, I see it.” Another time she said, “Hmm, not interested in the feta salad, are you?” in that same smug, baiting tone. We’re going away for a short trip with her next weekend, and this time I am pregnant — but still in the first trimester and not ready to tell anyone yet, especially as we’ve previously experienced a miscarriage. I also don’t want to flat-out deny it when she guesses, because I don’t want to jinx it by saying “no” when it’s actually true. What I’m looking for is a way to respond that firmly shuts her down without being outright rude — not a “shut up” or “that’s inappropriate,” (I wish, but my husband would flip at that being too rude for his mummy - ironic) just something that holds my boundary while keeping the peace.

hardtocare · 10/05/2025 18:13

Can I be honest MIL, and say your interest in your son’s sex life somewhat weirds me out

MoveYourSelfDearie · 10/05/2025 18:11

godmum56 · 10/05/2025 17:49

so let her meltdown. Honestly if your partner won't say a dicky then you must.

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This. Why are her feelings more important than yours?

SparklyGlitterballs · 10/05/2025 18:11

If you think she'll have a meltdown no matter how calmly you respond then I don't know why you're asking if it would be unreasonable to respond more harshly next time she says something.

If your DH won't intervene then I'd go one of these:
"That's not very subtle Sandra. I know what you're doing and I'm not going to rise to it". Then move the conversation on.
Just laugh and say "oh, this again" and shake your head.
Tell her hold on, get out a little notebook and scribble in it. When she asks what you're doing, say you're making a note of all her unsubtle comments about pregnancy., so you can look back at them and have a laugh.

However, if you're too scared of the potential meltdown then just give her a disdainful look.

RawBloomers · 10/05/2025 18:05

How about something like "Are you still trying to guess if I'm pregnant, MiL?" in a friendly, laughing kind of way. Then, if she persists or is direct, maybe something along the lines of "If I ever get pregnant again, we will tell you when we're ready, don't worry."

Edit to add: But I agree that you need to be more direct about how manipulative she is with your DH and not let him get away with ignoring it. Putting up with her being rude because otherwise she'll cry is no way to live and is a terrible thing for your DC to see.

ChocolateCinderToffee · 10/05/2025 18:05

She’s not going to shut up until you shut her up so you might as well make the most of the opportunity. How about ‘your comments are vulgar and offensive, please stop’?

thestudio · 10/05/2025 18:05

she immediately burst into tears, hung up on him, and followed up with a string of guilt-tripping messages like, “I just want to feel like part of the family.” I suspect that’s why he won’t challenge her again — and it means I know any pushback from me, no matter how calm or polite, will probably cause another meltdown.

Op, you've got to point out to him how manipulative this was of her. Tell him you're sad for him that she's like this, that it's very common not to want to see it in our own parents (look up F.O.G) but that you're not him and you won't allow yourself to be emotionally bullied by her. And going forward, you won't allow your kids to be either.

aspidernamedfluffy · 10/05/2025 18:02

"You seem to be overly invested in mine and your son's sex life....why is that?"

thepariscrimefiles · 10/05/2025 17:56

annabelfr · 10/05/2025 17:25

to those warning me that standing up for myself might cause a scene - I know that if I try to stand up for myself, it’s almost guaranteed she’ll make a scene. We’ve been through something similar before — shortly after I had my first baby, she constantly commented on how I dressed them (“isn’t that too warm?” or “they’ll get cold like that”), whether I was overfeeding, or that I was signing us up for too many baby classes — which, according to her, were pointless and stressful for babies. My husband did speak to her privately at the time and gently told her it was getting a bit much, and she immediately burst into tears, hung up on him, and followed up with a string of guilt-tripping messages like, “I just want to feel like part of the family.” I suspect that’s why he won’t challenge her again — and it means I know any pushback from me, no matter how calm or polite, will probably cause another meltdown.

@Soontobe60
I’ve told my own mum, yes, and she’s been nothing but supportive. My husband actually agrees that telling his mum right now would be a terrible idea — we both know exactly how she’d respond. She’s the type to say things like, “I’ve been crying about it for weeks since you told me,” or bombard us with “thinking of you” texts nonstop. It’s just not what either of us needs. Our mums are very different — when my first was born, my mum’s first words were things like, “How are you feeling?” and “I’m so proud of your little family,” followed quickly by offers to batch cook meals and drop them off. In contrast, my MIL’s response to my first pregnancy announcement was, “Will you be quitting your job? I just think nursery is so cruel, and it’s shocking how short maternity leave is these days.” And after I gave birth, her very first message was just, “Congrats! Shall we visit this weekend?”

Edited

She sounds like an absolute pain in the arse. And very ill informed! Maternity pay/rights/leave are so much better now than when I had my children in the 1980s.

She obviously makes everything about her, which must be very draining for you and your DH.

Liz1tummypain · 10/05/2025 17:54

Sorry i haven't got.much to.add
.how about " thanks you can be sure when we've got any news about a pregnancy you will find out soon enough". Might possibly shut her up. Good luck :)

Rosscameasdoody · 10/05/2025 17:54

Bunnyisputbackinthebox · 10/05/2025 17:52

Nah sorry not yet just been doing anal this month....

I wish some sort of warning could be posted before reading posts like this - literally spat coffee all over the screen.🤣

Rosscameasdoody · 10/05/2025 17:53

In all honesty OP if she’s this tone deaf you can pussyfoot around for as long as you like, but eventually you are going to have to resort something like ‘Whether I am pregnant or not is no one’s business but mine and my husbands. If and when it happens and we’re ready to announce, we’ll let you know. So until then your intrusive comments are unwelcome and I’ll have to think seriously about stepping away from the situation if they continue’.

Bunnyisputbackinthebox · 10/05/2025 17:52

Nah sorry not yet just been doing anal this month....

godmum56 · 10/05/2025 17:49

annabelfr · 10/05/2025 17:25

to those warning me that standing up for myself might cause a scene - I know that if I try to stand up for myself, it’s almost guaranteed she’ll make a scene. We’ve been through something similar before — shortly after I had my first baby, she constantly commented on how I dressed them (“isn’t that too warm?” or “they’ll get cold like that”), whether I was overfeeding, or that I was signing us up for too many baby classes — which, according to her, were pointless and stressful for babies. My husband did speak to her privately at the time and gently told her it was getting a bit much, and she immediately burst into tears, hung up on him, and followed up with a string of guilt-tripping messages like, “I just want to feel like part of the family.” I suspect that’s why he won’t challenge her again — and it means I know any pushback from me, no matter how calm or polite, will probably cause another meltdown.

@Soontobe60
I’ve told my own mum, yes, and she’s been nothing but supportive. My husband actually agrees that telling his mum right now would be a terrible idea — we both know exactly how she’d respond. She’s the type to say things like, “I’ve been crying about it for weeks since you told me,” or bombard us with “thinking of you” texts nonstop. It’s just not what either of us needs. Our mums are very different — when my first was born, my mum’s first words were things like, “How are you feeling?” and “I’m so proud of your little family,” followed quickly by offers to batch cook meals and drop them off. In contrast, my MIL’s response to my first pregnancy announcement was, “Will you be quitting your job? I just think nursery is so cruel, and it’s shocking how short maternity leave is these days.” And after I gave birth, her very first message was just, “Congrats! Shall we visit this weekend?”

Edited

so let her meltdown. Honestly if your partner won't say a dicky then you must.

BishBashBoomer · 10/05/2025 17:39

Have you considered: “what do you mean by that?”

Trumpetoftheswan2 · 10/05/2025 17:31

Congratulations on your pregnancy - hope it all goes smoothly.

Regarding your MIL, pretend that you don't understand what she's hinting at. Not drinking? Yes, I find I sleep much better without alcohol. Not eating the blue cheese? Don't fancy it - are you going to have it? And move on.

Don't feed the drama. Starve it of oxygen.

BigHeadBertha · 10/05/2025 17:28

I might have missed something but to be honest, I didn't read your MIL's comments as necessarily being nasty. It sounded to me more like she just assumes she's invited to be somewhat included, since she's a close relative, and makes an occasional pregnancy-related comment that she thinks might be helpful or show interest in your lives. Please correct me if I'm wrong, though.

But, regardless, I learned the hard way in my longish life that relationships are two-sided and that if you don't say anything to treatment you don't like (aside from obvious abuse, of course) it's your fault as much as theirs because they may not even know they are upsetting you.

So, if you don't like it, why not just politely ask her if she'd mind just not mentioning anything to do with pregnancy to you for the time being. Tell her that because of what you've been through, it's just become a very sensitive subject to you.

This is a very good thing to get down in life anyway, isn't it? Speaking up doesn't have to be ugly or combative and it might possibly, easily fix this whole issue. Good luck.

Radiatorvalves · 10/05/2025 17:25

Some years ago I’d just found out I was pregnant (about 6 weeks) and was on a skiing holiday. I’m a good skier and was fine about it but was (unusually!) avoiding beer and wine. A friend asked if I was pregnant and I replied, “Do I ski like I’m pregnant?” That shut him up.

for your MIL “do I look like I’m pregnant?” might work….? It sounds painful OP.

CalleOcho · 10/05/2025 17:25

When someone says something offensive I always go “Huh…what? Can you repeat that” as if I’d not heard them properly. They always feel abit silly having to repeat themselves.

If she does repeat herself just do an awkward smile and then don’t answer it but completely change the subject. Or start looking directly at her forehead - it’ll make her feel even more daft.

Original poster

annabelfr · 10/05/2025 17:25

to those warning me that standing up for myself might cause a scene - I know that if I try to stand up for myself, it’s almost guaranteed she’ll make a scene. We’ve been through something similar before — shortly after I had my first baby, she constantly commented on how I dressed them (“isn’t that too warm?” or “they’ll get cold like that”), whether I was overfeeding, or that I was signing us up for too many baby classes — which, according to her, were pointless and stressful for babies. My husband did speak to her privately at the time and gently told her it was getting a bit much, and she immediately burst into tears, hung up on him, and followed up with a string of guilt-tripping messages like, “I just want to feel like part of the family.” I suspect that’s why he won’t challenge her again — and it means I know any pushback from me, no matter how calm or polite, will probably cause another meltdown.

@Soontobe60
I’ve told my own mum, yes, and she’s been nothing but supportive. My husband actually agrees that telling his mum right now would be a terrible idea — we both know exactly how she’d respond. She’s the type to say things like, “I’ve been crying about it for weeks since you told me,” or bombard us with “thinking of you” texts nonstop. It’s just not what either of us needs. Our mums are very different — when my first was born, my mum’s first words were things like, “How are you feeling?” and “I’m so proud of your little family,” followed quickly by offers to batch cook meals and drop them off. In contrast, my MIL’s response to my first pregnancy announcement was, “Will you be quitting your job? I just think nursery is so cruel, and it’s shocking how short maternity leave is these days.” And after I gave birth, her very first message was just, “Congrats! Shall we visit this weekend?”

OP posts:

Avatartar · 10/05/2025 17:23

Next time she does it say “MIL I’m at the point where I want to avoid you completely because of all the pregnancy comments. Please can you stop?”

HairyGarden · 10/05/2025 17:22

I’d keep it very short.

“Can you please stop hinting that I’m pregnant, Susan”.

minnienono · 10/05/2025 17:20

If you are going away with them I would just tell them, saves so much hassle. I really don’t understand keeping pregnancy a secret past 6 weeks or so from close family and friends. I miscarried in the past and simply told those who knew, they supported me.

SoloSofa24 · 10/05/2025 17:20

Soontobe60 · 10/05/2025 17:17

I’d hazard a guess that most people tell their own parents far sooner than 12 weeks

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Nope. Not if you have a parent (or parent-in-law) who is anxious, interfering, overbearing etc and will either be seeking constant reassurance that everything is OK or who would be more of a burden than a support if you had another miscarriage. I've been there, and I definitely did not tell my mother before 12 weeks.

thestudio · 10/05/2025 17:18

Soontobe60 · 10/05/2025 17:16

Out of interest, have you spoken to your own DM about your loss, tries to get pregnant and now current pregnancy?

Oh fgs, one's own mother is a completely different thing, however lovely the MIL. Her DH can talk to his own mum if he wants.

Soontobe60 · 10/05/2025 17:17

thepariscrimefiles · 10/05/2025 17:13

Because it's too early and she's already had a miscarriage so doesn't want to announce the pregancy too early. Most people wait until after the 12 week scan. Plus her MIL sounds interfering and insensitive.

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I’d hazard a guess that most people tell their own parents far sooner than 12 weeks