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To respond more harshly next time my MIL tries to guess if I’m pregnant? How?

137 replies

annabelfr · 10/05/2025 14:56

We’ve been trying for a baby for years, and now I’m finally pregnant. My MIL has developed a habit recently of making pointed comments — for example, she once called me over and said loudly, “LOOK! You’ll want to see this,” then pointed to a sign that said something like “Not recommended for pregnant women due to high temperatures” (it was outside a sauna). At the time I wasn’t pregnant, and I just awkwardly said something like, “Yep, I see it.” Another time she said, “Hmm, not interested in the feta salad, are you?” in that same smug, baiting tone.

We’re going away for a short trip with her next weekend, and this time I am pregnant — but still in the first trimester and not ready to tell anyone yet, especially as we’ve previously experienced a miscarriage. I also don’t want to flat-out deny it when she guesses, because I don’t want to jinx it by saying “no” when it’s actually true. What I’m looking for is a way to respond that firmly shuts her down without being outright rude — not a “shut up” or “that’s inappropriate,” (I wish, but my husband would flip at that being too rude for his mummy - ironic) just something that holds my boundary while keeping the peace.

OP posts:
SparklyGlitterballs · 11/05/2025 08:30

I think a previous poster nailed it with "If and when we are in a position to announce a pregnancy, you'll be one of the first to know". It doesn't deny you're already pregnant and doesn't confirm it either. Maybe add "so please stop with the fishing, it's not very subtle".

thesnailandthewhale · 11/05/2025 07:14

Turn it back on her and every time she suggests you might be pregnant just suggest she might be showing signs of dementia / other age related condition

whynotmereally · 11/05/2025 07:04

Are you trying to tell me you are pregnant mil? Congratulations

spoonbillstretford · 11/05/2025 04:17

I would tell them about the miscarriage and say politely that you find the comments are hitting a raw nerve. And that if you were pregnant you would not say anything until later on in the pregnancy, so would appreciate it if she didn't mention it again. She sounds like an insesnsitive dolt but you can only try.

FlakyCritic · 11/05/2025 04:10

Why are you going away with her? Why? What's this thing people in the UK have with going on holiday with parents and in laws? I don't get it. Just don't go away with her. Pull out. Uninvite her. The whole thing sounds so suffocating. Cancel the trip if you feel you have to go. Neither of you have to go. Just.....cancel the trip.

It's really that simple.

Lijay1 · 11/05/2025 01:32

BakelikeBertha · 10/05/2025 21:34

Sorry OP, but I'm confused! On your first post you state 'We’ve been trying for a baby for years', but then later on your refer to your toddler, which you appear to have had with your DH, so how can you have been 'trying for a baby for years?'

Say said toddler was 3 and they'd been trying since the toddler was one. That's years no?

BakelikeBertha · 10/05/2025 21:34

Sorry OP, but I'm confused! On your first post you state 'We’ve been trying for a baby for years', but then later on your refer to your toddler, which you appear to have had with your DH, so how can you have been 'trying for a baby for years?'

Elsvieta · 10/05/2025 19:45

"When we've got something to tell you, we'll tell you". Saying nothing without quite lying. Repeat in the exact same words until it gets awkward, if needed.

MummaMummaMumma · 10/05/2025 19:43

I'd say "that's extremely rude to say that to someone who has had a miscarriage".

AngelicKaty · 10/05/2025 19:38

@annabelfr How about, "Don't worry MIL, if/when I become pregnant again, you'll be the third to know." (After your DH and DM of course. 😉 )

annabelfr · 10/05/2025 19:35

@thestudio@RawBloomerswe had the whole conversation about her being manipulative at the time. I think maybe I said it too forcefully / too many times or whatever but if at first he agreed that she was being manipulative, then it changed to “actually she’s just very friendly, wanted to be ‘part of the excitement of a new baby in the family’ and my coldness has upset her”

and yes, absolutely, I want to make a comment / respond to her because he won’t, even if there’s a meltdown from her after

OP posts:
Enthusiasticcarrotgrower · 10/05/2025 19:32

but my husband would flip at that being too rude for his mummy - ironic

Let him flip out over his mother’s feelings. Let her have a tantrum. Flip out at him even worse and tell him he needs to start supporting the mother of his child. Why is everyone tiptoeing around her feelings and no one caring about yours?

Enthusiasticcarrotgrower · 10/05/2025 19:29

You could try running away as if you’re about to burst into tears.

Kilofoxtrot99 · 10/05/2025 19:18

Could you not just say to her- actually, your son’s demands for blowjobs has really taken its toll on our chances’ with a completely straight face and see how that goes? You will never beat this woman, and her son clearly has her back rather than yours, so you have no bridges to burn really. Stop caring what this woman says or thinks, don’t waste or give it your energy, and step back emotionally and rationally in every contact. Best of luck.

Teenybub · 10/05/2025 19:07

Tell her he’s been sticking it in your arse recently! Crude but it will change the subject.

Kingsleadhat · 10/05/2025 18:59

"when there's any news, I'll let you know. ". She's an insensitive idiot, I do sympathise

venusandmars · 10/05/2025 18:52

I had that with a colleague once. Whenever she brought up the topic I said, "Oh, yes, lets discuss who is having sex without contraception, and how often..." Nobody else wanted to join the conversation!

JorgyPorgy · 10/05/2025 18:40

ask her how her food baby is

SleepingSerpent · 10/05/2025 18:30

I would laugh a bit and say ‘I wasn’t pregnant when you told me not to go in the sauna, or when you told me not to eat feta salad, might be time to stop guessing don’t you think?’

MyLittleNest · 10/05/2025 18:27

Well, she checks all the boxes of a toxic grandmother, doesn't she? Overbearing, outspoken, manipulative as hell. Does your husband see through her games?

Sorry, OP. You're a saint to put up with this kind of behaviour.

With people like this, the more you tiptoe around them to avoid them throwing a tantrum, the more they think they can get away with it. I understand that you don't want to upset your husband, but based on everything you've written in your posts, he should be more concerned about how she is treating you. At some point he will have to stop enabling her behaviour unless you are expected to be on the receiving end forever.

I would be very firm with her in general. Yes, she will play the victim card, crocodile tears, to continue on behaving however she wants with no regard for anyone else, but only so long as you allow it.

Firm boundaries. And consistent ones. And distance. For you AND your child/children.

Historyofwolves · 10/05/2025 18:26

What's your definition of 'toddler' if you've been trying for years?!

ManchesterLu · 10/05/2025 18:23

Simply say "if and when we're ever planning to announce a pregnancy you'll be among the first to know". No denial, no confirmation, simple and to the point that will set her straight.

RareGoalsVerge · 10/05/2025 18:16

"You know that comments like that basically mean 'so have you had a miscarriage lately' - which is such a horrible thing to say, that your inability to think of other people's feelings is making me seriously doubt if you are capable of being a decent grandmother"

Daffodilpup · 10/05/2025 18:15

TryingToStayAwake88 · 10/05/2025 15:17

You could turn it back on her and say, that's interesting it can't be done while pregnant. Are you going to avoid it? Or something which sounds sort of innocent but implies she is pregnant!

Or say ‘are you trying to tell me something? Are you pregnant?’

OhBow · 10/05/2025 18:15

Some good advice here, but I've had a thought... I'm very familiar with people like this sadly, and have discovered that although they're nosy, their favourite subject is actually themselves.

So my suggestion is to rapidly divert the subject back to her, especially one of her top whinges (I bet she has some) that she likes to go on about.

Could be a health problem, complaining about a neighbour, etc. And when she's back on that, imaging her saying lovely kind things to you while you smile and nod.

Edited to add: don't bother explaining your feelings, if she cared she would've stopped by now. Avoid her as much as possible.