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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think visiting DP’s family doesn’t count as a holiday?

510 replies

RhiannonTheFlorist · 10/05/2025 12:54

Been with my partner for 5 years and we have a 2 year old daughter. He is from a country in Central Europe. Every August we go for a week, and every other Christmas (we alternate between my family and his). This Christmas we are due to go there.

Before the baby we would have 2 holidays a year (not including the semi-annual Christmas visit) one to visit his family, and one to a nice resort type place. Since the baby, we can’t afford to do this. The Summer trip and Christmas trip are in the budget, but another holiday on top of that isn’t doable, and we couldn’t get the time off anyway.

I have nothing against his family but the trips to the village my partner grew up in aren’t particularly relaxing for me. We fly into the airport in the capital city, then have a 5 hour train and bus journey to get to his village, and I get motion sickness from buses. We also often have a late flight and end up waiting at the dodgy city train station until early morning when the trains start running and last time I got harassed by beggars on the platform when I was heard speaking English, DP gave them short shrift thankfully but it was still scary. DD is also starting to develop bus motion sickness so I’m dreading that part of the journey.

His family don’t speak any English, which is fine, I shouldn’t expect them too. But their language is notoriously hard to learn (please no comments about me needing to learn it, it’s literally known as one of the hardest languages in the world and I have a toddler and work full-time) and despite my efforts I have really struggle to have conversations with them beyond basic politeness. The past 2 times we’ve been they have pestered DP that I need to hurry up and learn the language. His father is a smoker and alcoholic and the house stinks of smoke, so since the baby we stay with his aunt instead, and DP’s father always argues with DP about it as he gets offended that we won’t bring the baby in his house. Also, the first time we took DD at 4 months she developed a temperature and had to be taken on the bus to the hospital and everyone was talking around me in their own language (doctors, DP and family) and I was distraught not knowing what was going on, having to wait for DP to translate. I’m scared of this happening again. DD is also a picky eater and the village shop is tiny and won’t have any of her ‘safe’ foods.

On the other hand, there are some positives.They are very hospitable and they cook for us etc, we have BBQs and days out in the nearest city (though this does require long bus trips). But in the village there is not much phone signal and once they start drinking and having a laugh I am completely excluded and don’t understand a word that is being said.

I understand that DP needs to maintain a relationship with his family and that I signed up for this when committing to him, but I must admit I’m dying for a proper holiday this Summer where I can relax, beachfront walks, play with DD in the pool etc. Just the 3 of us. I raised the idea to DP of doing this instead as we’re going to his country for Christmas anyway, and he was horrified. He also pointed out that his country gets hot in the Summer (it does, can reach 30 degrees), and therefore it still counts as a sunny holiday. He also points out that going to his country we only pay for flights and spends (probably around £1000 for the 3 of us). I found some lovely all-inclusive for £1800, and we could afford that extra £800 but we couldn’t afford that AND the Summer trip to his country AND the Christmas trip.

I’m tempted to tell him that me and DD will swerve the trip to his country this year, and may invite my sister to come somewhere with me and DD instead. But I’m worried this will upset him and his family who absolutely adore my DD.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Thegodfatherreturns · 11/05/2025 18:57

MrsDexterr · 11/05/2025 18:53

Gosh I am so glad we discussed this before we married and that DH being close to his own family, understands my closeness to my family and need to go home. Most couple from different countries, will settle in one country and the person giving up their country makes huge compromises. You have no idea what you are talking about unless you are in this situation (or you are not close to your family, friends / home country).

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I don't think they are married and he settled here before meeting OP.

MrsDexterr · 11/05/2025 18:54

BruFord · 11/05/2025 18:49

@MrsDexterr Yes, if her partner accepts that the OP doesn’t need to come along for every visit, that would be a good start. The money they save on her travel costs will gradually add up and they can do something fun with it.

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I read this as her not wanting him to spend the money or not taking their child.

MrsDexterr · 11/05/2025 18:53

Charlie554 · 11/05/2025 18:46

Sorry - the OP does not have to sacrifice their annual holiday every single year . The DH has chose to make a life in the Uk. Has chosen to marry someone From the UK. And choosing to spend any disposable income on always visiting family in that country lacks fairness also. It’s like the OP is sacrifice money/ holidays/ well being every single year - and sometimes twice a year .

Show quote history

Gosh I am so glad we discussed this before we married and that DH being close to his own family, understands my closeness to my family and need to go home. Most couple from different countries, will settle in one country and the person giving up their country makes huge compromises. You have no idea what you are talking about unless you are in this situation (or you are not close to your family, friends / home country).

Springtime43 · 11/05/2025 18:52

I couldn’t imagine being with someone for 5 years and not learning their language.

Learning a new language as an adult takes a LOT of time

Jumpers4goalposts · 11/05/2025 18:50

Why don’t you drive there instead of flying and stop off at different places along the way. Then when there only stay a couple of days before heading off somewhere else.

I couldn’t imagine being with someone for 5 years and not learning their language.

Ponderingwindow · 11/05/2025 18:50

We spent years having our only holiday be visiting family. We did make sure to make it as pleasant as possible though. Once dd was old enough we started doing things like staying in hotels with really good pools and other onsite recreational facilities. We always made sure our transportation was comfortable as I get awful motion sickness so I am not willing to compromise there.

we don’t make the trips anymore. The main people we were visiting have passed away.

BruFord · 11/05/2025 18:49

MrsDexterr · 11/05/2025 18:46

I agree that the OP doesn’t need to go, but not that she should stop him from or resent him for going home with their child. Him and their child going home is more important than other holidays if money is tight.

I quite happily travelled just me and the children and DH never question how much money I spend on that and it’s a fair bit over the years.

@MrsDexterr Yes, if her partner accepts that the OP doesn’t need to come along for every visit, that would be a good start. The money they save on her travel costs will gradually add up and they can do something fun with it.

MrsDexterr · 11/05/2025 18:46

I agree that the OP doesn’t need to go, but not that she should stop him from or resent him for going home with their child. Him and their child going home is more important than other holidays if money is tight.

I quite happily travelled just me and the children and DH never question how much money I spend on that and it’s a fair bit over the years.

Charlie554 · 11/05/2025 18:46

Calmdownpeople · 10/05/2025 13:07

How awful for your partner. He wants to go home and see his family once a year and have them spend time with his kid and partner and you won’t make this sacrifice. He makes a sacrifice every day living abroad and not seeing his family. Thats the deal. As someone who lives abroad I would be horrified too if my partner wouldnt visit my family and friends for one week of the other 51 that we live here. Living abroad is hard and it’s awful not having your family so involved with your kids. Sorry OP on this one personally and speaking from experience you are being very selfish. Taking your kid away from their grandparents and family rhe one week a year they can be there with them (and learn about their language and culture) is beyond selfish. Support your partner and the fact they live in your country and for you and suck it up.

Sorry - the OP does not have to sacrifice their annual holiday every single year . The DH has chose to make a life in the Uk. Has chosen to marry someone From the UK. And choosing to spend any disposable income on always visiting family in that country lacks fairness also. It’s like the OP is sacrifice money/ holidays/ well being every single year - and sometimes twice a year .

Jaxhog · 11/05/2025 18:45

RhiannonTheFlorist · 10/05/2025 13:15

You make some valid points but we are going in December, we go for a week every other Christmas. I’m not saying I want to permanently stop going. But maybe the years we go for Christmas we don’t go in the Summer. Otherwise we’ll never go anywhere else ever again, especially as we want to have another child and holidays will get a lot more expensive.

i work full-time just like DP does in a high stress NHS job. And the money for the trips to his country comes from both of our disposable incomes. Is it fair that I never get a say?

Edited
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This seems like a good compromise to me.

Thegodfatherreturns · 11/05/2025 18:45

MrsDexterr · 11/05/2025 18:39

I would be interested to know if posters who think seeing his family once a year is enough are close to their own family and would be ok not seeing them much too. Just because you live abroad doesn’t mean you don’t want to see your family.

I am genuinely so shocked by this thread, but think it’s because it’s a man we are talking about.

Don't be ridiculous. Noone is saying he shouldn't see his family whenever he wants. OP doesn't want to go with him more than once a year and why should she?

Springtime43 · 11/05/2025 18:44

I’m dying for a proper holiday this Summer where I can relax, beachfront walks, play with DD in the pool etc. Just the 3 of us. I raised the idea to DP of doing this instead as we’re going to his country for Christmas anyway, and he was horrified. He also pointed out that his country gets hot in the Summer (it does, can reach 30 degrees), and therefore it still counts as a sunny holiday.

No matter how hot it gets in his country, it sounds a far cry from a ‘proper’ holiday with a beach, pool and relaxation?

BruFord · 11/05/2025 18:42

@MrsDexterr I don’t think that many posters have said that he shouldn’t go twice a year.

My DH last visited the UK in 2019 and 2024. Aside from lockdown, I’ve been many times alone or with children, just not with him. He’s done other things with his leave, and the children have benefited as he’s taken them away while I looked after the dog (so peaceful)! 😂

RareFatball · 11/05/2025 18:40

I think the year you go for Christmas, you get to have a summer holiday elsewhere.
The year you stay home for Christmas, you go to visit partners family in the summer.
I think the 5hr bus/train journey to partners home village is the killer after a flight. Can't partners parents not take a turn and come visit you?.

Springtime43 · 11/05/2025 18:40

To the poster telling the OP to check her privilege - which part of a week in rural Hungary with people you can’t communicate with, is a privilege????

MrsDexterr · 11/05/2025 18:39

I would be interested to know if posters who think seeing his family once a year is enough are close to their own family and would be ok not seeing them much too. Just because you live abroad doesn’t mean you don’t want to see your family.

I am genuinely so shocked by this thread, but think it’s because it’s a man we are talking about.

BruFord · 11/05/2025 18:38

Part of the agreement between us when we settled in the U.K. was that I would be able to travel home as much as I wanted.

That’s fair enough, @MrsDexterr , but does your DH accompany you on every visit?

That’s the issue here, the OP doesn’t want to spend all of HER leave and extra money visiting his family- but he can still go.

Also If they save on her travel costs, perhaps they could do a separate holiday somewhere else in a couple of years.

As I said upthread, my DH doesn’t accompany me every time I visit the UK, it would use up all his leave and be too expensive. I’m fine going solo, it gives me more flexibility tbh.

Springtime43 · 11/05/2025 18:34

ThejoyofNC · 11/05/2025 15:32

You need to put your foot down OP. Tell him he can spend his money going to Hungary and you'll be spending yours going on holiday. He's all take and no give and that simply isn't fair.

This

MrsDexterr · 11/05/2025 18:33

canyouseemyhousefromhere · 11/05/2025 18:29

OP has said they go every Christmas, this is an extra trip in the summer.

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Every second Christmas I think. If you live abroad you miss so much. You miss birthdays, mothers days, fathers days….Going home once a year if you are close to your family and want a relationship between your family and children, is not much considering this is a European country.

CMM4 · 11/05/2025 18:32

OP Is all money shared in joint accounts? To be honest (and this sounds terrible) I’d be tempted to force his hand a little and say you’re no longer handing over all your disposable income for this. And if that means you only go once this year and it takes you a couple of years to save up for a proper holiday yourself then so be it. I’m with you on this OP. It’s not fair that all of your disposable income is lost on this and you seem to get no say in it. If he wants to go twice a year that’s fine but he shouldn’t get to dictate to you what you spend all of your money on. I’d say once a year is more than enough. Ultimately at the end of the day he is the one came to the UK and as you have said has no desire to live there full time again. A holiday in middle of nowhere where you can’t understand the language, there is nothing to do and everyone gets pissed and you can’t join in sounds absolutely awful and is not a holiday. Your DP can do what he likes with his annual leave and his portion of the disposable income. He doesn’t get to dictate to you how you use yours! Tell him you are only going once this year and will not be paying for two trips out of your portion of the money when you get nothing that you want out of these journeys (they are not holidays!)

Laura95167 · 11/05/2025 18:32

Could you invite the ILs to you in the UK once a year too? That way you could have the holiday and they'd still get to see your partner and daughter?

Also what's the language?

canyouseemyhousefromhere · 11/05/2025 18:29

Calmdownpeople · 10/05/2025 13:07

How awful for your partner. He wants to go home and see his family once a year and have them spend time with his kid and partner and you won’t make this sacrifice. He makes a sacrifice every day living abroad and not seeing his family. Thats the deal. As someone who lives abroad I would be horrified too if my partner wouldnt visit my family and friends for one week of the other 51 that we live here. Living abroad is hard and it’s awful not having your family so involved with your kids. Sorry OP on this one personally and speaking from experience you are being very selfish. Taking your kid away from their grandparents and family rhe one week a year they can be there with them (and learn about their language and culture) is beyond selfish. Support your partner and the fact they live in your country and for you and suck it up.

OP has said they go every Christmas, this is an extra trip in the summer.

MrsDexterr · 11/05/2025 18:27

I am really surprised by these responses and now saying the DP is abusive? 😮I wonder if the responses would have been the same had a man posted trying to limit his wife’s visit to her parents…

I married a British man and have lived here now for over 20 years. I would have been distraught and it probably would not have worked for me if I could only see my family 2 times a year even. Part of the agreement between us when we settled in the U.K. was that I would be able to travel home as much as I wanted. Luckily we have been able to afford that and it has worked really well, but if finances were hard, my priority would be to spend money on visiting my family.

OP, for me you are massively YABU.

Deckings · 11/05/2025 18:22

I don't think anyone is suggesting he only see them once.
But OP shouldn't have to see them twice.

I would much rather a week at home off work than the dose the OP describes.

Certainly I wouldn't be prepared to be told by any man how I spend MY holidays from work, and my holiday money.

They aren't married so they actually aren't her family.
They are his family and he needs to head off himself to visit them.

He sounds controlling, domineering, and therefore abusive.
Telling the OP how she will spend her holidays and money is coercive control IMO.

That is a crime in this country.
Maybe he needs to have UK laws explained too him.
The OP must be vulnerable to be tolerating this.

She needs to reach out to Domestic abuse organisations to have this reinforced to her.

thepariscrimefiles · 11/05/2025 18:18

Plumnora · 11/05/2025 17:26

To many people this (me included) this would be the only break they get. I can't afford a holiday this year. Check your privilege. If it's really that bad, don't go.

How on earth is it a privilege for OP to spend her own savings travelling to a place where she doesn't enjoy herself at all, either once or twice a year.