To think visiting DP’s family doesn’t count as a holiday?

So why don’t GP visit them? Who made up this shit that adult children who themselves are now parents have to an annual pilgrimage back to see the grandparents. Not being judgey but I bet they have lots of other grandkids and unless the DP is teaching his child his language they will only have a limited relationship. The travel is awful, the environment (smoking in in 2025!). Let him go back on his own. Take the gc if he must.

then you can afford a holiday with your sister , gc probably free/ little cost for a few years.

We have livestock and animals to look after and once we got the point of DC being too big and needing a separate room, we now holiday separately. DH does his holidays with his side of the family, I do mine. Doesn’t cost anymore and DC get twice as many holidays. We have 50 weeks of the year together sharing the same house. I am quite glad of the break tbh.😄

I feel so sorry for you OP and your DP, I’m in your DPs position and the guilt trips I get from my family! I go with my 2 DCs 3 times per year, my parents visit 3 times and we take them for 1-2 weeks holidays with us. And I still get - what? You’re coming for 10 days not 14? (My older DC is in school now so sometimes longer isn’t possible) I get - well so you’re coming just for 8 days because 2 days is for travelling 🤦🏻‍♀️ it’s sooo frustrating! I love them, see them as much as I can and still get that.

before children when I worked full time with 25 days holiday allowance I went home only once per year because I wanted to see the world and go to other places. It wasn’t taken well but this was when I said to my parents - if you want to see me more you have to make an effort too and come and visit me. So they started coming regularly.

holidays in my home town are very boring for my DP who is British. He’s learning my language but it’s hard. Also my parents’ flat is tiny so when you add us (4 ppl family) it gets super crammed. My parents would be very offended if we got a nearby Airbnb. So it is difficult. I’m fortunate that my DP is ok with me just going with the kids, once or twice a year he joins us for last 5 nights and we travel home together. There are things to do but really I’d rather he wasn’t with us though the whole stay as then I have to make sure he’s ok, translate all the time, organise days out where I just want to visit my family and relax. All of my family absolutely love my DP.

Im aware this might be not an option for you to let your child go with your DP only and you join them. Maybe later when DC is older this could be the option for you? I don’t know what to suggest, just posting to sympathise. A Central European village life must be super hard if I find it hard in a mid size city where I’m from. Now my 5yo says he doesn’t want to go to my country anymore because daddy isn’t coming so he doesn’t want to leave daddy at home all alone 🙄 it’s hard but you’ll find a way but both of you have to make many compromises

And that is you opinion and you are more than entitled to it.

I feel exactly the opposite and stand by what I said .

Hi. I sympathise as have this exact same situation. We now do a dual holiday and go to a beach in his country for three days and then visit his family. (I’d prefer that we went after but dh won’t). It’s so hard - especially as my dh’s nan is now 96 and I don’t want to stop her from spending time with her great grandson.

I know in a lot of Europe you have to have passed for at least 12 months

Could in laws visit you every other Christmas so you would have enough money to visit them in the summer and maybe go somewhere else as well

Why does your DP passing only last year mean he can’t hire a car? Is this some sort of rule that you have to have been driving for a certain length of time. Cos that’s what I came on here to say, hire a car. It sounds like a nightmare without one and no, not much of a holiday with a toddler it tow.

Yanbu. There's nothing to stop him going on his own and when DD is older he can take her. Once a year for you is fine, He might even prefer going on his own a few times until DD is a bit older

I see, so I won't be asking the obvious question then, just take your word for it, OK?

Omg did my husband write this 🤣🤣🤯

Ah, how lovely. Only, you see, I'm Polish myself, taught at a Polish medical university and have friends and family working in both private and state hospitals and GPs in Poland. So thanks for that incredibly reliable and facts based refutal of my argument.

OP, like another poster on this thread said, I am your partner. I settled in the UK and married a British person, with whom I have a child. I am not Hungarian but Polish - my husband does not speak Polish and my parents don't speak English. Both parties tried to learn each other's respective languages with close to no success. They get by on a relatively good level thanks to a combination of me interpreting (bloody exhausting) and real time Google translation (massively improved over the years. We also see my parents twice a year either by going to Poland together or paying for my parents to fly here (they could not afford this on their pension). The second option has now had to be suspended since my mom got diagnosed with cancer (despite being in the clear for now health wise, travel insurance can be complicated for cancer survivors).

A few reflections from me - please take them as they are intended, merely 'reflections' as I don't know your and your partner's full circumstances.

• I understand your partner's desire to visit with DC. Two weeks a year is not much, and with an ageing relatives time is precious and the guilt of leaving can be sould crushing regardless of the reasons why you left and how happy you are in your adopted country. I wonder how much he enjoys the visits and whether at a deep level he would not prefer to go on a relaxing holiday with you instead himself but the feelings of guilt or obligation are what make him go?
• Committing to a lifelong partnership/starting a family with a person from another country is complicated. There are conversations you must have together that you would not need to have if you married someone from another country. Have you not discussed your approaches to family obligations, holidays and financial aspects of both before you had a child? You'd be surprised how these can differ between your two countries (as I'm sure you're now realising).
• Your partner taking your child on his own on one of the two holidays would be the obvious solution, but you already said you'd not be comfortable with this. If you're not willing to let that one go, and your DP is not willing to compromise by combining family visit with Hungary holidaying elsewhere, then you need to try to make it better for yourself too:
• unless there's a medical reason why you can't drive, please learn. I did it at 36 when my son was 2 while juggling full time work and parental responsibilities for a disabled and neuro divergent child so I appreciate the difficulties around this. Having a licence and being able to hire a car could make your visits much better - take your DC for day trips while your DP spends time with his family
• you said DP's cousin is there at the same time as you. Given they also emigrated to a Western European country I assume they speak a language other than Hungarian? Assuming they're closer to your age, chances are they have at least basic conversational English? Can you try to become friends with them or they're partner if they have one to make the visits more pleasant for you?
• Paying for the Aunt and FIL to visit you could be cheaper and more comfortable for you than going there yourself. You say you think they'd not accept - but have you actually asked? You won't know for certain if you don't try and inviting them over would likely also win you some brownie points.
• Finally, a conversation around money is really important. You have an equal say in your finances ( and that goes both ways) and you need to agree how you pay for the holidays you both want if you both contribute equally. If you can't reach an agreement/compromise that would satisfy you both, then it would be reasonable for him to fund a greater proportion of the Hungarian trips expenses, and - for you - to contribute more towards the holiday you want. (this does not mean either of you should pay all of the costs of either trip if you all go on it)

I’ve not long returned from Budapest. £54 return from Gatwick, cheaper from Luton.
Soundx like your daughter is not in school yet. If so take advantage of that and go outside of the holidays.
Or get your husband to go at that time, and cut whole family trips to once a year. If he’s flying by himself it won’t matter so much it’s v early, v late etc.

I got that figure from the Poles, living in Darnley, Glasgow and Paisley (close to Glasgow). From the horse's mouth. As far as the official figures are concerned, I am surprised that if you are a grown-up, you trust the published figures. Open your eyes and speak to some Poles, Hungarians and those from the Baltic States.

One adult going to Hungary is going to be a lot cheaper than 2 adults, so if they can agree that she does not go, they could save up for a proper holiday.

Well that's where she needs to compromise. And he needs to compromise by cutting down the visits to what he, and not they, can afford.

But the point is OP does not want him to go with her DD.

If he has passed his driving test he needs to get practising and building his confidence as it sounds like having a car would make the whole experience much easier and more enjoyable.

Is there any chance of suggesting that on the years you are going there for Christmas his family come visit you? Or you meet them on holiday somewhere else?

If not- could your budget extend to a cheaper holiday ? E.g. rather than an AI resort, drive to northern France/Belgium/Holland or similar and self cater. The last few summers it has hit 30-40 regularly and there's lots to do with kids.

I have read many times of mothers on here visiting family with one or more of their children and the father not going because of his "big job"

I had the same problem. Sitting in an Irish town in the rain does not count as a summer holiday. At least you got the sun.

I would be really interested if everyone thinks this would be ok if it was a new mum wanting to go home with her baby too?

I am reading this as them having join finances and the two trips to Hungary takes all the money. I completely agree that she doesn’t have to go, but I don’t agree that he should not be able to spend the money going home with his DD. It’s valuable for DD too feeling part of Hungary which is difficult to achieve going home once a year.

there are many good ideas on the thread but in OPs situation, I can see how they are simply not feasible. The family won't leave their village and sees a trip to next town as a big thing, they won't go to Budapest, which is a very busy large place.
OP says FIL has a very low income, he won't be able to afford trip to Balaton.
If OP and partner are already on tight budget, they also won't have the funds to pay for the family.

But yeah, at the moment she is basically financing something only he wants to do.

@MrsDexterr I agree about visiting, but it does sound as if the OP has to do most of the compromising and pay as well.

She definitely isn’t the reason that he lives in the UK, he’d lived there 10 years before they even met. I’m not sure why she has to pay towards his trips home tbh.

It would be different if he’d moved to the UK for her benefit.

OP didn't say the partner is not allowed to visit though? And yes I agree that the DD should be able to visit as well.