To think visiting DP’s family doesn’t count as a holiday?

Honestly, just reading through this again makes me mad for you. Why on earth would you want to spend your valuable with time off in what sounds like some kind of shanty town with rather dubious characters. You deserve better than this.

Yes but I wouldn’t expect my DH to decide what works for me and luckily he doesn’t.

And that's great if it works for you, but it's perfectly possible to have a relationship with family that you and/or your spouse do not see twice a year.

That’s great if that’s enough for you. It wouldn’t be enough for me. I have a need to physically see my family, hug my parents etc

Like I have said previously, this was all discussed before we settled together and had children.

Well, it sounded like it - you told thestudio that they couldn't possibly know what they were talking about (because they weren't an immigrant) because they said...

"Think about it OP. How does it come about that he 'insists' and gets his way? It's likely because you back down because you know he would make life unpleasant if you didn't.
That's controlling behaviour.
And in terms of the immigrant experience, he can't have it all ways. If he has made a relationship and a family here, if he is earning more in the UK to improve his prospects and be able to help them out wiht bills, then he has to give some things up. In this case, two home trips every year at his wife's partial expense and against her wishes.
Anyone would see that isn't fair or equitable, unless they believe that their needs are more important than their partners and they're prepared to bully in order to get what they want."

Also actually being an immigrant, and with siblings who are also immigrants (I'm one of four, and we all live in different countries), visiting twice a year would be far too expensive and take up far too much of our time off work, and yet somehow we have all maintained an interest in each other's families, and indeed have relationships with each other.

We've done lots of varieties of visiting - celebrated Christmas in February, gone individually with some but not all of the children, met up in third countries. We've utilized FaceTime and messaging and all sorts of other methods to stay in touch.

I didn’t say they had the right to demand so that is sensationalising a little bit.

I know so many people can’t afford to go abroad at all and I should be grateful to travel even if it’s the same destination every time, but I work damn hard for my spare money.

You don’t need to justify yourself for wanting a holiday. There will always be people with a lot less and a lot more than you, you sound entirely reasonable. Unfortunately, the majority of responses on here, whatever your post is, will be to belittle you. If you had posted the reverse and you were your DH in this situation, you would’ve got absolutely pasted for his expectations too. The same posters would be saying how you couldn’t expect to move to another country and then force your partner to return to the same place twice a year blah blah blah!

I really feel for you and hope you can sort this out because I would start to dread it.

cant just the three of you go for a few days ?
or hire minibus and take them all?

I totally disagree. Why have you decided the decision to live away from his family is all OP’s? And the sacrifice all her partner’s?

Visiting family (especially someone else’s family) is not the same as a holiday. You make it sound like OP has made him live away from his family when you talk about a “sacrifice” - presumably that was his decision and OP didn’t force him! Also can the partner’s family not visit if they want to see them?

Actually being an immigrant I expect my DH to take an interest in my family and come along to visit them and have a relationship with them just as I have with his family. I spend a lot more time with his family naturally, but visiting twice a year would be my minimum expectations of him considering he lives 15 minutes from his own family and can just pop around. I also go by myself and the children.

As an immigrant I totally disagree with you, and agree with thestudio.

Being an immigrant doesn't give you, me or any other immigrant the right to demand that their spouse goes along with what they want when it comes to visiting family.

@MuskIsACnt I can understand not wanting to fly more given it’s a 20-hour flight each way.

What’s clear to me from this thread is that as is often the case, what works well for one family simply wouldn’t for another. Compromise and flexibility on both sides are essential, however. For example, I haven’t spent Christmas in the UK for about a decade and I’d love to again. But it’s never worked for us time or price-wise so we just can’t. I can visit off season though…chilly February is a great month for a good airfare, I wonder why…😂

For now trips to visit the in-laws are the only overseas holidays we take (more for ethical than financial reasons, I.e. reducing carbon emissions).

I always go because the kids are young and the flights would be too much for DH on his own with the kids.

My main point though is that I think if you choose to have kids with someone with family abroad then you should be willing to facilitate a relationship with that family as much as possible. But then I think family is hugely important, not everyone feels that way.

he always says “I’ve seen Budapest loads of times, we don’t need to go” bla bla bla

Yeah, but that really isn't his call is it.
As you say, your joint money is being spent on this trip so you should get a say about how it is spent. Tell him it is non-negotiable and stick to your guns.

I agree with pp that it is harsh to cut back on the frequency (it isn't twice a year is it, it's 3 times every 2 years).
Also, as other PPS have said when DD is older he can take her on his own, and you can have a separate holiday.

Hang on in there - it will get easier over time.

Absolutely this and to my earlier point that it’s a man being discussed. If it was a man refusing his immigrant wife to go home with her child to see her family twice a year, he would be called coercive, controlling etc
A holiday is a luxury not everyone can afford. I do not see a comparison between a holiday and going home to see family. Also we don’t know anything about their finances as OP hasn’t been back. If you can afford a couple of flight to Hungary a year, you are hardly going to afford an AI holiday unless you saved for 10’years….

I asked my friend who grew up in a village in Romania about this mindset when I saw her today. She said that Central Europeans always expect and are expected to go home as much as possible. It’s an inherent part of the culture and the rest of the village will think poorly of your family if you don’t. She only goes back every few years as she doesn’t get on with her family. She and they get a lot of stick for it.

That being said, I completely agree with you OP.

op has suggested this, partner says no

The comparison how often OP sees her own parents is not equivalent, I doubt she insists they spend several weeks per year living at her relatives and without leaving their respective village during that time. My in-laws are perfectly nice, I'm happy to see them for lunch, but I would get divorced if DH insisted we spend all holidays at their farm.

I think the best solution (assuming this is one particular issue and not a symptom of a bigger problem of him controlling you financially in other ways) is to split this up - you each get your own amount of money to spend on whatever you like - he spends his on trips to see his family, you spend yours on whatever you like.

Otherwise I think the longer term solution is to split the trips up so he takes your child(ren) twice a year and you join them once and save the rest of the money to take yourself and the kids to somewhere else. Or go once a year and stay for two weeks instead of a week as the flights are the major expense.

But on a practical level there's a difference between 'seeing my parents twice a year' and 'seeing my parents twice a year at the most expensive time possible' that is worth talking about as well. I'd push back on this as well - you don't have school schedules to consider so you can go whenever. And you can rent a car (you'll have to both get over the driving thing as this just isn't manageable)

As an immigrant of course a lot of my disposable income is spent visiting my parents (and inlaws) and it's annoying but it's just how it is. But we are from the same country and choose to live here so we just find a way to make it work. Totally different situation altogether.

But... she's not an immigrant. His immigrant status does not trump all.

And anyone who 'insists' on anything against the known wishes of their partner, in such a way that the partner always backs down, is coercive.

of course he can.
Partner does not have to follow.

We have a savings pot specifically for the Hungary trips.

That is what needs to change. You should restructure so that you each have a separate pot for travel and decide what to spend your share on. If he wants your share to go on a Hungary trip it has to be a trip on your terms - eg with time in Budapest or a resort etc. He doesn't get to call every single shot over a joint pot. It might also be the case that not all trips take place in peak time when the family are together to stretch his pot further.

What you are describing is not a holiday. You are very much within rights to want a holiday.

Yes, if you say no, some people won't like it. Their happiness is not more important than yours. You've done this multiple times.

If your husband really won't have it you can keep your money out of that pot and get yourself a holiday, but don't spend all your leave and budget going there. It doesn't work for you. I'd struggle with doing that even once a year!