To think visiting DP’s family doesn’t count as a holiday?

Fair point but who knows? Illness, elderly, money ….who know. The OP and partner can visit and maybe he wants to go ‘home’ and take his child to his childhood places and see more than just immediate family, but also extended family and friends .

Complete disagree. I see it the other way, but you are obviously entitled to your view.

I thought they were staying at the aunts since DC was born.

You are absolutely not being unreasonable OP. I would send my child off with my DH and enjoy a week’s peace at home by myself. Once a year visit en famille is more than enough. IMO!

I would not be grateful that I was working to pay for this.

I think YANBU and I’m the immigrant in our marriage.

Even though my home is a popular tourist destination, without any language barrier for us, it’s still not reasonable for us blow our family holiday budget on a trip there every year.

He needs to compromise. He can go visit them in their home alone. You could go some years at Xmas and then the other year to somewhere nice nearby and they do some travel to join you. It could be somewhere they could do the bus journeys to.

In my case, there are nice destinations on the way to my family. We have stopovers there and stay in hotels and do things the kids would like to do.

Staying with my family isn’t really a family ‘holiday’ as far as I’m concerned and it shouldn’t mean my DH and DC don’t get a real one.

YANBU at all.

Stand firm. You and child only go for Christmas this year. For summer you’re having a relaxing resort break (it’s not just about the weather, he’s being very cheeky there)

Either he wants to come or not and you invite your sister.

I think you're being very reasonable. It sounds like a difficult trip and not a holiday for you. As you say, it will only get harder and more expensive as DD gets older and you have another child. It isn't his family's fault they aren't able to travel but this must have been a consideration when your DP moved to the UK permanently.

I think your DH needs to compromise to once a year and combine it with Budapest. If you feel comfortable with it, I would let him take DC alone, maybe when older.

I know a family in a similar position, dc are 10 and 15 and have never been - the father goes back every 2-3 years. They prioritise family holidays. A bit extreme but as in your situation, they couldn't afford family holidays otherwise and it would be a difficult trip for the wife and kids.

And why can’t his family come and visit them?

Yanbu.

I am in a similar position. As the kids have got older we have actually gone less, as they are vocal about how much they dislike it. There is nothing for them to do there. Which was fine when they were babies but not when they are more active. We do pay for family to come over to ours and I'm happy to host for a couple of weeks at a time. We also arrange holidays in their country at a resort or somewhere else that suits everyone. But when you've got kids and work full time, the few weeks off a year are so important.

Yes he misses his family. But (it sounds like in both our cases) he made the decision to stay here long term, settle down, have kids...nobody made him. If my husband wants to go back for a week that's fine. But he also needs to acknowledge how utterly shit it is for the rest of the family, stuck in a village with nothing to do, with no one to talk to, not understanding what's going on even if you speak the language to a reasonable level, everyone talking at once about people you don't know is really really hard to follow.

I'd tell him he can go with your child if he wants to take them but I wouldn't go more than what I was comfortable with

Most people I know who have moved overseas do not always visit home with their spouse/child. It would be good to organise things so your partner gets to go see his family alone or with your child, and you don’t always have to go too.

I wouldn't try to cut down on his time with his family when he has so little of it anyway.

However, I think the situation could be improved on here and there, adding up to you being happier with it.

As has been mentioned, he could go alone on some of the trips or take your daughter with him, especially as she gets older. You might not get a great family vacation out of it but you'd at least get some time off for yourself.

Also, as an older person, I'll say that different life phases offer different things. We weren't able to take many recreational trips at all when we were raising a family. But now, the kids are grown, our parents have passed away, we're retired and we go everywhere. Just saying, if you don't get every experience in this phase of life, that doesn't mean you never will.

Also, you'd probably endear your husband to you endlessly if you worked on that language, even an hour a week or with set goals for each yearly trip. It doesn't have to be any huge time investment but any improvement in the language would likely improve your visits.

You could also try ways of bringing more to the table yourself, as far as making the visits with his family more enjoyable, even if in small ways. You could have your husband ask ahead of time, if it makes sense to. A few ideas:

Bring a big jigsaw puzzle with a roll-up thing if it needs to be put away when not being worked on (take the puzzle out of the box and put it in a plastic bag and it won't take up much room in your luggage). Set it up for the family to work on together while watching TV. It cuts down on boredom and is somewhat of a bonding activity. Even better if the puzzle is of local relevance.

Invite any along who want to go with you on a daily walk (the pram stage won't last much longer).

Cook, especially local dishes and especially together, if anyone else wants to.

Craft or art activities, especially if you learn about any that are local specialties. It could be brought up "for the kid" but others might enjoy joining in. Simple is fine, even something like painting a pretty pinecone or making a pasta necklace. Maybe one per day, even.

It doesn't take that much to pass a day pleasantly, if you plan it out ahead of time, which may be the best you can do with this, all around.

Best wishes. :)

Would you be okay with only seeing your family 1 week every 2 years?

Yes he’s made a sacrifice by living abroad but surely twice a year isn’t a big deal? I can’t see why you can’t do that AND a family/summer holiday as well? You can get some bargains and your child would be free with a lot of companies.

Yup.

I did a brief course in Serbo-Croatian when I was young and I'm now learning Serbian online.

Turns out that some of the variants that I learned in the village are most definitely not standard Serbian and would be misunderstood or frowned upon elsewhere.

i'm bilingual and my first language is a language that online translators don't cope all that well with.
Even if someone learns the language, they are likely to learn a regional version.

In real life, knowing that regional version might not be enough if you were visiting another region.

Imagine if you learnt text book English, but visited somewhere with a strong regional accent.

Yeah as much as family duty calls etc I'd be feeling burnt out if I were you given your 'holiday' also sounds like a bit of a test of endurance.
Wondering if you would be too worried about DD if he went with her alone?
Otherwise with that £800 difference fair enough you're not going to get all inclusive greek island but you could reasonably do 4 nights in Spain or Malta or somewhere off peak- would that be something you'd be able to do either with DP or your sister?
Alternatively again given you're not tied to school term time could you book a lodge with a hot tub for 3-4 nights with your DP and DD? We are paying £300 for a lodge with a hot tub for 4 nights in Yorkshire at end of September, yes it's not abroad and beaches but there are so many nice days out for a toddler and it ends up quite relaxing.

Thank you. I studied Russian and Comparative Slavonic Philology at uni. Tried to learn the basics of Hungarian in order to help ESOL pupils at my work. Did not succeed.

Oh and people who think she should 'just learn the language' - I speak 6 other languages, I also lived in Hungary for a year, took language classes and my Hungarian is still limited to about 2 sentences. It's a very hard language and 10 minutes of TV will make no difference whatsoever. I'm very impressed OP has managed the basics.

OP, do you have to go? Honestly I promise, my parents have no issues if DH doesn't join me and kids every time.

OP, I've no idea why some people are giving you such a hard time.

Outside Mumsnet everyone would understand your position, especially since you sound pretty sensitive to his feelings about family.

Your DH on the other hand sounds like he's on the spectrum between thoughtless and a bit of a bully. He doesn't 'own' holidays just because he chose to leave his homeland (for good reasons). It should be split 50/50 - you each choose one per year. So simple and obvious unless.. is he domineering in other respects or assume that his voice carries more weight because he's male?

I wish people would at least read OPs comments, she has answered a lot of the questions:

They see her DPs once a month, but clearly they live a lot closer

She works full time and has a toddler, she has no spare time - and indeed inclination - to learn the worlds hardest language in her rare spare time

She has proposed compromises to her DH so that they spend time in Budapest which has lots to offer a young DC, but he has refused

She doesn’t go 1 week in 52, currently she goes twice - once in the summer and once at Christmas.

One thing I am wondering OP, is £1000 is a lot for your trip if you’re not paying for meals and things when you’re there. I wonder if it’s because you are going at expensive times of year to fly. Would a compromise be going in a cheaper month, and then the money saved can be put towards a proper relaxing holiday?

Of course it’s not fair. You should absolutely get a say.

You sound like you’re being very reasonable. Your partner needs to compromise.

British people are such pushovers. So, a hungarian (we think) moves to the UK and meets a british girl and forever after she is expected to learn hungarian to please elderly people who don’t live in the UK and who have no intention of learning english for her, AND she has to spend money and use all her holiday allowance fulfilling her DH’s holiday dreams even though, quite frankly, it sounds like a nightmare for her. Why is any of this even a discussion? My in-laws wanted me to learn their language and I just said no. Learning a new language is a huge endeavour, it’s like doing a degree (I am learning a different language now and it’s a LOT). Don’t do that just to be polite.

Anyway OP sorry if ive missed it but there are other solutions- he goes without you but takes DD, you meet his family half way in a 3rd country, or you skip it entirely this year.

As someone who has lived an entire adult life abroad - this is a dilemma that all immigrant families face. We did as you suggest, either Christmas or summer every year, and the Christmas years we went somewhere else in the summer. Not least of all because we actually wanted to see other places and experience new things on holiday as a family, not just trot back and forth between two places. These days there are lots and lots of ways to keep in touch, talk online etc. between the yearly visit, and when your children get older, they can choose to go on their own or to stay longer. You are really not doing some terrible thing by refusing to spend every summer doing this. If your DH really wants to go, then let him and you, your sister and your DD can go somewhere else together.

A Central European living in the UK is a sacrifice? Eh? You must be kidding.

The problem is - if I understand it - that the OP's DH is refusing to compromise.