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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think visiting DP’s family doesn’t count as a holiday?

510 replies

RhiannonTheFlorist · 10/05/2025 12:54

Been with my partner for 5 years and we have a 2 year old daughter. He is from a country in Central Europe. Every August we go for a week, and every other Christmas (we alternate between my family and his). This Christmas we are due to go there.

Before the baby we would have 2 holidays a year (not including the semi-annual Christmas visit) one to visit his family, and one to a nice resort type place. Since the baby, we can’t afford to do this. The Summer trip and Christmas trip are in the budget, but another holiday on top of that isn’t doable, and we couldn’t get the time off anyway.

I have nothing against his family but the trips to the village my partner grew up in aren’t particularly relaxing for me. We fly into the airport in the capital city, then have a 5 hour train and bus journey to get to his village, and I get motion sickness from buses. We also often have a late flight and end up waiting at the dodgy city train station until early morning when the trains start running and last time I got harassed by beggars on the platform when I was heard speaking English, DP gave them short shrift thankfully but it was still scary. DD is also starting to develop bus motion sickness so I’m dreading that part of the journey.

His family don’t speak any English, which is fine, I shouldn’t expect them too. But their language is notoriously hard to learn (please no comments about me needing to learn it, it’s literally known as one of the hardest languages in the world and I have a toddler and work full-time) and despite my efforts I have really struggle to have conversations with them beyond basic politeness. The past 2 times we’ve been they have pestered DP that I need to hurry up and learn the language. His father is a smoker and alcoholic and the house stinks of smoke, so since the baby we stay with his aunt instead, and DP’s father always argues with DP about it as he gets offended that we won’t bring the baby in his house. Also, the first time we took DD at 4 months she developed a temperature and had to be taken on the bus to the hospital and everyone was talking around me in their own language (doctors, DP and family) and I was distraught not knowing what was going on, having to wait for DP to translate. I’m scared of this happening again. DD is also a picky eater and the village shop is tiny and won’t have any of her ‘safe’ foods.

On the other hand, there are some positives.They are very hospitable and they cook for us etc, we have BBQs and days out in the nearest city (though this does require long bus trips). But in the village there is not much phone signal and once they start drinking and having a laugh I am completely excluded and don’t understand a word that is being said.

I understand that DP needs to maintain a relationship with his family and that I signed up for this when committing to him, but I must admit I’m dying for a proper holiday this Summer where I can relax, beachfront walks, play with DD in the pool etc. Just the 3 of us. I raised the idea to DP of doing this instead as we’re going to his country for Christmas anyway, and he was horrified. He also pointed out that his country gets hot in the Summer (it does, can reach 30 degrees), and therefore it still counts as a sunny holiday. He also points out that going to his country we only pay for flights and spends (probably around £1000 for the 3 of us). I found some lovely all-inclusive for £1800, and we could afford that extra £800 but we couldn’t afford that AND the Summer trip to his country AND the Christmas trip.

I’m tempted to tell him that me and DD will swerve the trip to his country this year, and may invite my sister to come somewhere with me and DD instead. But I’m worried this will upset him and his family who absolutely adore my DD.

AIBU?

OP posts:
MoodSwingSet · 11/05/2025 11:53

Your partner is very selfish. What if you are stubborn like him? If your income is needed to pay for the second trip then you can also put your foot down.

Original poster
RhiannonTheFlorist · 11/05/2025 11:52

Lake Balaton was also suggested by me for a change of scenery whilst still being in Hungary but was shot down by DP because his family don’t drive and it’d be a trek for them to get to Balaton from the village (3 hour drive and they don’t drive)

OP posts:
PeppyTealDuck · 11/05/2025 11:49

Hungary is famous for its hot spring spas. I’d recommend finding one nearest to where you stay and going there for some days. You can make your stay pleasurable like that.

Or when your husband says Budapest is expensive, say flights are also expensive yet you’re going, and a few days there is wht at you need to make it work for you.

Original poster
RhiannonTheFlorist · 11/05/2025 11:49

i completely understand the importance of DP seeing his family and DD being in touch with Hungarian heritage. The rule in our house is speak English with mummy and Hungarian with daddy, and she is gently corrected when she gets mixed up and is doing brilliantly. I know the very basics and can be polite with his family but I haven’t gotten further than that yet.

Yes I do find the village boring and insular, I admit that. But I can get by and DP’s family are friendly and hospitable to me, the father can be hard work but he’s nice enough to my face. I do feel unwelcome by some of the neighbours in the village though, who stare at me and question DP on why he left the village for the UK. I can put up with the village for the sake of DP and DD seeing their family.

However, I object to our entire disposable income being set aside for 2x Hungary trips a year. It just isn’t a holiday for me. Yes I know first world problems but I work bloody hard as an NHS practitioner running around a hospital 40 hours a week (with unpaid admin to do at home too, and a 2 year old to look after), and I think it’s fair enough if some of my disposable income could be put towards a holiday where I can relax, even if that means we can only do Hungary once a year. In that case, DP’s disposable would pay for us all to go to Hungary, and my disposable would pay for us all to have a holiday I want.

But DP is stubborn and it’s Hungary or nothing. He says if we had more money he would want to visit other places, but not at the cost of cutting down the Hungary trips, and we’re just not financially there. I find the lack of compromise hurtful. If we spent a few days in Budapest and a few days in the village it would be much better, but he always says “I’ve seen Budapest loads of times, we don’t need to go” bla bla bla

OP posts:
Hankunamatata · 11/05/2025 11:45

If your both nhs I would look at jobs in cheaper area of the UK and make money go further too

DuchessOfNarcissex · 11/05/2025 11:45

@WildflowerConstellations, OP says a country in Central Europe. and has since confirmed it's Hungary.

Hankunamatata · 11/05/2025 11:44

Do you have to have a license for more than a yea to hire a car?

Ddakji · 11/05/2025 11:39

WildflowerConstellations · 11/05/2025 11:37

I'm guessing Estonia. Estonian and Finnish are known to be particularly difficult to learn as a second language.

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RTFT! The OP has confirmed it’s Hungary!

MoodSwingSet · 11/05/2025 11:39

WildflowerConstellations · 11/05/2025 11:37

I'm guessing Estonia. Estonian and Finnish are known to be particularly difficult to learn as a second language.

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she has already said it's Hungary. But I can confirm it is a very hard language to learn, I've tried, while living there.

WildflowerConstellations · 11/05/2025 11:37

TangerinePlate · 10/05/2025 13:24

Are you going to Poland OP? Sounds strangely familiar.

Have a conversation with him and tell him you want to alternate the holidays.
You’re also working and have a say in where you want to go. He can go himself.

Yes, he will argue and will be “upset” and his family and yada yada.
You deserve the holidays now and again instead of schlepping in the fecking buses in hot August.

I'm guessing Estonia. Estonian and Finnish are known to be particularly difficult to learn as a second language.

reluctantbrit · 11/05/2025 11:30

Question: how would this topic be answered if the OP would live at the Kent coast and has a DH who comes from a really remote and difficult to access area in the UK, let's say North Scotland, no airport, difficult by train and they don't drive.

Now her DH tells her that she has to spend her annual leave up in North Scotland where there is nothing to do (apologies to everyone in the region, I needed a long distance from the Kent coast).

Most likely there would be a lot more sympathy that holiday resources should be split, the DH shouldn't demand a family visit twice a year.

MoodSwingSet · 11/05/2025 11:26

OP married his partner. I disagree that this means she needs to spend all her holidays with his parents. Yes the partner wants to see them, but OP does not, does she? I don't hear that those trips bring her any joy.

And as an expat, I really don't mind if DH only comes with us occasionally. Frankly I want to spend time with family, relatives and old friends he might not know. We want to speak our language (also a notoriously hard one that DH will never learn). It's way more relaxing for me if I don't have to worry if DH is having a good time. Works fine.
Just send DH and later DH with DD. Have a separate holiday with your sister.

godmum56 · 11/05/2025 09:58

I thought I had posted this but can't find it. On one level its about expats and holidays but I see something else here. What I see is unequal sharing of family resource. Surely in a partnership whether married or not where there are no issues of support for steps and so on, the two adults should have equal control over how resource is used. From what the Op says that doesn't seem to be the case here? The partner says how annual leave should be used and funding for this takes choice away from the OP. Regardless of other issues, how is that fair?

Enko · 11/05/2025 09:54

sashh · 11/05/2025 06:35

Would you be happy to not see your family for a year? Or even for 6 months.

Maybe not this year, but as you said it is a hot country, in future could you do a week with his family and then a week still in the country but more a holiday place?

So I'm picking a random country, say Croatia. You stay with family for a week and then have a week at the coast or somewhere more holiday like with a pool and things to do.

I know it must be hard work visiting when you don't know the language but it is his family.

Do they ever com to stay with you? I know with the smoking and drinking that wouldn't be easy either but if you did alternate summers with going to his village one year and then having them stay at yours would that work?

Alternatively have a few days with his family and then take yourself off to somewhere else for a few days, maybe in the capital city.

Again probably not for this trip but in the future.

It will get easier as your child(ren) get older, I have a friend whose parents moved to Spain and her son would spend the 6 weeks summer holiday with his Nan.

On the language learning, it is difficult to learn a language but you can get bilingual children's books, it might help you learn along with your toddler.

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Its two years since I last saw my.dads. (my mother died 10 years ago) sister and brother.

Am I happy about it? No but life has meant that we have not been able to afford going over. (2 children at uni dh was made redundant isn't managing to get a new job despite applying)

This is a part of accepting that you made a decision to live in a different country to your family.

Doesnt mean you are "happy" but it is a part of life if your life is in a different country to your family.

A good friend of ours moved to Australia 30 years ago he has been back 4 times. Last time was in April for his mother's funeral that was the first time in 20 years the 4 siblings were together as another sibling also lives abroad.

Its a part of the life you chose when you place down roots in a different country and you HAVE to be able to accept that. If not you will go through life feeling resentment and its all over a decision you made.

DuchessOfNarcissex · 11/05/2025 09:45

@Ablondiebutagoody , Who said she was moping around looking sour?
Portuguese and Hungarian are quite different languages, and I doubt that your in-laws live in a very remote village.

Given that OP's annual leave is about 20 days, do you really think she'd be overjoyed at spending about 4 days travelsick, and another 10 days in the company of a chain-smoking drunk?

sashh · 11/05/2025 06:35

RhiannonTheFlorist · 10/05/2025 13:15

You make some valid points but we are going in December, we go for a week every other Christmas. I’m not saying I want to permanently stop going. But maybe the years we go for Christmas we don’t go in the Summer. Otherwise we’ll never go anywhere else ever again, especially as we want to have another child and holidays will get a lot more expensive.

i work full-time just like DP does in a high stress NHS job. And the money for the trips to his country comes from both of our disposable incomes. Is it fair that I never get a say?

Edited
Show quote history

Would you be happy to not see your family for a year? Or even for 6 months.

Maybe not this year, but as you said it is a hot country, in future could you do a week with his family and then a week still in the country but more a holiday place?

So I'm picking a random country, say Croatia. You stay with family for a week and then have a week at the coast or somewhere more holiday like with a pool and things to do.

I know it must be hard work visiting when you don't know the language but it is his family.

Do they ever com to stay with you? I know with the smoking and drinking that wouldn't be easy either but if you did alternate summers with going to his village one year and then having them stay at yours would that work?

Alternatively have a few days with his family and then take yourself off to somewhere else for a few days, maybe in the capital city.

Again probably not for this trip but in the future.

It will get easier as your child(ren) get older, I have a friend whose parents moved to Spain and her son would spend the 6 weeks summer holiday with his Nan.

On the language learning, it is difficult to learn a language but you can get bilingual children's books, it might help you learn along with your toddler.

NJLX2021 · 11/05/2025 05:28

Mixed nationality family here..

Unless you are rich enough, missing holidays for family trips is just part of the deal when you love someone from another country.

we have had this discussion a lot, and before our son was born we would do more holidays and often miss family trips. But since he was born it is hard to justify the holidays. As much as I would love more beach time, it is just better for everyone if my we go back to our families.

You can try and do both. We've done it where we visit family, and on the way there or way back we stop somewhere for 3-4 days. That works well if travel and time agrees. Or you can try and go on a holiday with your husband's family in their country (if they want and can afford it) this has also worked well for us, means you get both family time and a holiday.

But the reality is that there are trade-offs to any relationship, and the sacrifice of holidays for family visits is an incredibly common one for mixed nationality families, especially as soon as children are involved.

LankylegsFromOz · 11/05/2025 04:35

BruFord · 11/05/2025 04:15

@LankylegsFromOz Do you want to go every single time or would you be fine missing some of the visits so that you could do something else instead?

I’m completely fine visiting my family and friends either alone or with our children. I let DH decide whether he wants to come or save his leave for another time. He’s taken our teenagers on some great trips, also taken his parents on holiday, plus he has a hobby that I’m not particularly interested in. By not coming with me every time, he had leave and money to do these things. Plus one of us can stay at home with the dog! Different setups work for different people, I suppose.

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No I'm always happy to go although sometimes I do wish we could do something else. Not enough to put my foot down or anything. We also try and add an extra part to the trip, when we go back. But even then the MIL normally comes with us 🤣 DH goes on his own occasionally as well.

BruFord · 11/05/2025 04:15

LankylegsFromOz · 11/05/2025 03:42

As someone who has been with an expat partner for 25 years, this is the reality of the life you've chosen, I'm afraid. Pretty much all of our holidays for a quarter of a century have been with the in laws. Luckily I get on with them, but my cheeks hurts from plastering a smile on my face for a whole 4 weeks at a time 🤣 But I do it for my husband, who has forgone living near his family, to live with me on the other side of the world.

@LankylegsFromOz Do you want to go every single time or would you be fine missing some of the visits so that you could do something else instead?

I’m completely fine visiting my family and friends either alone or with our children. I let DH decide whether he wants to come or save his leave for another time. He’s taken our teenagers on some great trips, also taken his parents on holiday, plus he has a hobby that I’m not particularly interested in. By not coming with me every time, he had leave and money to do these things. Plus one of us can stay at home with the dog! Different setups work for different people, I suppose.

spoonbillstretford · 11/05/2025 03:46

Calmdownpeople · 10/05/2025 13:07

How awful for your partner. He wants to go home and see his family once a year and have them spend time with his kid and partner and you won’t make this sacrifice. He makes a sacrifice every day living abroad and not seeing his family. Thats the deal. As someone who lives abroad I would be horrified too if my partner wouldnt visit my family and friends for one week of the other 51 that we live here. Living abroad is hard and it’s awful not having your family so involved with your kids. Sorry OP on this one personally and speaking from experience you are being very selfish. Taking your kid away from their grandparents and family rhe one week a year they can be there with them (and learn about their language and culture) is beyond selfish. Support your partner and the fact they live in your country and for you and suck it up.

Makes a sacrifice?

Surely that was her DP's choice to live overseas long before he met the OP?

Let him visit his family but OP doesn't always have to go. She could go away with friends or on her own.

LankylegsFromOz · 11/05/2025 03:42

As someone who has been with an expat partner for 25 years, this is the reality of the life you've chosen, I'm afraid. Pretty much all of our holidays for a quarter of a century have been with the in laws. Luckily I get on with them, but my cheeks hurts from plastering a smile on my face for a whole 4 weeks at a time 🤣 But I do it for my husband, who has forgone living near his family, to live with me on the other side of the world.

coxesorangepippin · 11/05/2025 03:18

Plus if they came to visit you, they'd have to sleep at yours??!

cherish123 · 11/05/2025 00:34

Go.on holiday yourself. You don't have to visit your boyfriend's/girlfriend's family.

ReadingSoManyThreads · 10/05/2025 23:44

PurpleThistle7 · 10/05/2025 19:13

This isn’t fair. There are millions of people who both moved abroad ‘and’ miss their families. Including me.

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Don't waste your breath. That person is clearly so closed minded, they cannot even comprehend that some of us didn't have much choice but to move away from our homeland due to employment etc.

Imisschampagne · 10/05/2025 23:33

nopineapplepizza · 10/05/2025 13:10

He can go and visit his family with his child and you can go on holiday with your child and sister.

Kid gets double holidays, he gets to see his family, you get a proper holiday, everyone wins!

This is the way