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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think visiting DP’s family doesn’t count as a holiday?

510 replies

RhiannonTheFlorist · 10/05/2025 12:54

Been with my partner for 5 years and we have a 2 year old daughter. He is from a country in Central Europe. Every August we go for a week, and every other Christmas (we alternate between my family and his). This Christmas we are due to go there.

Before the baby we would have 2 holidays a year (not including the semi-annual Christmas visit) one to visit his family, and one to a nice resort type place. Since the baby, we can’t afford to do this. The Summer trip and Christmas trip are in the budget, but another holiday on top of that isn’t doable, and we couldn’t get the time off anyway.

I have nothing against his family but the trips to the village my partner grew up in aren’t particularly relaxing for me. We fly into the airport in the capital city, then have a 5 hour train and bus journey to get to his village, and I get motion sickness from buses. We also often have a late flight and end up waiting at the dodgy city train station until early morning when the trains start running and last time I got harassed by beggars on the platform when I was heard speaking English, DP gave them short shrift thankfully but it was still scary. DD is also starting to develop bus motion sickness so I’m dreading that part of the journey.

His family don’t speak any English, which is fine, I shouldn’t expect them too. But their language is notoriously hard to learn (please no comments about me needing to learn it, it’s literally known as one of the hardest languages in the world and I have a toddler and work full-time) and despite my efforts I have really struggle to have conversations with them beyond basic politeness. The past 2 times we’ve been they have pestered DP that I need to hurry up and learn the language. His father is a smoker and alcoholic and the house stinks of smoke, so since the baby we stay with his aunt instead, and DP’s father always argues with DP about it as he gets offended that we won’t bring the baby in his house. Also, the first time we took DD at 4 months she developed a temperature and had to be taken on the bus to the hospital and everyone was talking around me in their own language (doctors, DP and family) and I was distraught not knowing what was going on, having to wait for DP to translate. I’m scared of this happening again. DD is also a picky eater and the village shop is tiny and won’t have any of her ‘safe’ foods.

On the other hand, there are some positives.They are very hospitable and they cook for us etc, we have BBQs and days out in the nearest city (though this does require long bus trips). But in the village there is not much phone signal and once they start drinking and having a laugh I am completely excluded and don’t understand a word that is being said.

I understand that DP needs to maintain a relationship with his family and that I signed up for this when committing to him, but I must admit I’m dying for a proper holiday this Summer where I can relax, beachfront walks, play with DD in the pool etc. Just the 3 of us. I raised the idea to DP of doing this instead as we’re going to his country for Christmas anyway, and he was horrified. He also pointed out that his country gets hot in the Summer (it does, can reach 30 degrees), and therefore it still counts as a sunny holiday. He also points out that going to his country we only pay for flights and spends (probably around £1000 for the 3 of us). I found some lovely all-inclusive for £1800, and we could afford that extra £800 but we couldn’t afford that AND the Summer trip to his country AND the Christmas trip.

I’m tempted to tell him that me and DD will swerve the trip to his country this year, and may invite my sister to come somewhere with me and DD instead. But I’m worried this will upset him and his family who absolutely adore my DD.

AIBU?

OP posts:
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WearyAuldWumman · 17/05/2025 12:31

MoodSwingSet · 16/05/2025 21:53

She said that DP insists they go in August, because a cousin is there

Yes, I think it was to fit in with the school holidays for the sake of the cousin?

MoodSwingSet · 17/05/2025 09:49

that's the thing - for many people, if they wait until GPs are gone then that would mean no family holidays until kids are teens/adults and not even interested in coming with you. Also what about kids themselves - will they always enjoy the rural Hungarian village twice per year? While they could be discovering the world.

reluctantbrit · 17/05/2025 09:46

@Plumnora my mum is 87, my PIL 86/93.

If I would wait until they die we would never have family holidays, DD is turning 18 this year and will be at uni from September onwards.

Do I miss family - yes but luckily we all realise that annual leave is only limited and some years just one visit is ok. I may go on my own/take DD to see my mum and DH went on his own/with DD without me.
They live too far away from each other to combine a visit and see everyone in one go.

They also made the effort to come to us as they knew that a visit with a small child and all the stuff needed is complex and expensive.

MoodSwingSet · 16/05/2025 21:53

She said that DP insists they go in August, because a cousin is there

BruFord · 16/05/2025 21:33

@Plumnora I think everyone posting, regarding of opinion, agrees that they need to find a compromise. And yes, going in August is so expensive!

Plumnora · 16/05/2025 21:17

@BruFord no she doesn't have to go but she doesn't want their daughter to go either. It's one week. One week and then back to normal. I'm also wondering why they go in August when air fares are ridiculously expensive.

BruFord · 16/05/2025 20:51

@Plumnora But does she need to go on every visit? Saving on her airfare would enable her to gradually save up for another holiday.

Hi family mainly wants to see their son and grandchild, not her. Why doesn’t her DP stick to the current schedule and she accompanies him every other trip, for example?

As I said upthread, my DH has visited the UK twice in the last few years, whereas I’ve been multiple times with/without the children. He’s visiting his parents without me this summer and I’ll see my family without him. Sometimes that’s the best compromise with limited leave and money.

Plumnora · 16/05/2025 20:40

rookiemere · 11/05/2025 17:31

Yeah check your privilege OP. Apparently many people would love the opportunity to travel for hours to the middle of nowhere to watch a bunch of people getting drunk and talking in a language you don’t understand. Personally having British relatives that live in the middle of nowhere was bad enough, I would honestly rather stay at home.

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Gosh yes, how very thoughtless of me! You're right! How DARE OPs partner (and father of her child) want to see his parents! And the very nerve of his parents wanting to see their granddaughter - who they 'adore'- once, maybe twice a year! I mean, some people?!!! God, what a drain for poor OP!
My sister married a man from Central Europe and goes back a couple of times a year. Her parents in law arent in great health and she knows they so t be here forever. In fact it sounds like an eerily similar situation ; no English, chain smoking, alcoholic FIL... and she finds it hard going. But she also knows nothing's a given and grandparents are on borrowed time- especially in a country where the healthcare system isn't so great.
Time goes quickly and kids grow up quickly. There'll be other opportunities for holidays but as the OP says, she signed up for this. It's fine to resent going - completely understandable- but actually bailing on her partner's family because she doesn't like where he came from reeks of entitlement.

LivingDeadGirlUK · 13/05/2025 19:59

I totally get it OP, yes its important your DP sees his family but its also important you get a holiday when you are also working full time. You are looking down the barrel of eternity with no actual holiday, and I totally get why you are so upset.

I would say if he wants to go twice he needs to take one of those trips by himself so you can have a proper family holiday as well. Absolutely do not have another child with him unless he can bring himself to understand that you need a proper break. Stop 'paying into the pot' for the second trip.

HamptonPlace · 13/05/2025 19:43

RhiannonTheFlorist · 10/05/2025 14:41

I know so many people can’t afford to go abroad at all and I should be grateful to travel even if it’s the same destination every time, but I work damn hard for my spare money.

I went to uni and slogged it through unpaid placements in an NHS hospital, and worked my arse off to become a Band 6 in my role and get the pay increase. I get abused, spat on and called every name under the sun by patients and supervise students. I could work a minimum wage job with a lot less stress but then only afford 1 UK trip a year. But instead I work a stressful job with better pay for the quality of life I want us to have as a family. And for me, a nice quality of life includes a nice relaxing abroad holiday once a year and ticking places off the bucket list. I’d love to go to the Greek islands. But all of the holiday budget instantly gets swallowed up by the Hungary trips before it even hits my savings account. We live in an expensive part of the country so despite my hard work (and DH’s), we can’t stretch to 3 trips, so if we continue to do Hungary twice a year we’ll literally never do anything else. And if we have another child and he still insists on Hungary twice a year, god knows what else may end up sacrificed to fund it. Days out, the gym?

Edited

greek islands: don't waste your (limited) days...

Ireallywantadoughnut36 · 13/05/2025 19:41

I'd be lobbying for him to see his family without you, it'd save money on the flights, he can relax and enjoy time chatting to them without worrying it's rude to you, he can stay with his dad because the smoking is no longer an issue. I know they'll want to see their grandchild but she will be there at christmas and he can make the visit purely about them if he goes alone. They're his responsibility ultimately, and the relationship he has with them is very important, so I totally understand seeing them once a year feels too infrequent to him, but I'd not be dragged along too.
I'd think with just 1 flight that might leave you enough to do a proper holiday. I totally agree visiting family cannot be classed as a holiday, it's sometimes nice but basically a duty visit. As dd gets older she is likely to feel the same way (mine at 7 and 10 see gps as not too much fun tbh, whereas they love a holiday), so you probably want to discuss how you future proof this too. If he wants her to enjoy visits he will need to put time into her becoming bilingual too I suspect...

HamptonPlace · 13/05/2025 19:32

olympicsrock · 10/05/2025 13:53

Travel works both ways . The DP’s family could equally well travel to the UK for a week .

Totally reasonable for OP and family to make the effort once a year to visit but it they go at Christmas then not necessary to go on the summer as well.

perhaps can't afford if(as indicated) no-one has a car?

MoodSwingSet · 13/05/2025 19:31

HamptonPlace · 13/05/2025 18:59

you clearly have not read even the first post from OP- she explicitly states it's every second christmas 😱

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and every August

MrsDexterr · 13/05/2025 19:27

BruFord · 13/05/2025 19:15

@MrsDexterr Hmm, i wonder whether he’ll change his mind if they both end up living in your home country!

That’s our issue, we’s prefer not to be on a different continent to our children…although knowing my two, they’ll end up in on different sides of the globe. Our families seem to have a wanderlust on both sides. 😂

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Possibly. He would be an expat ofc. British people are always expats, never immigrants 😆

BruFord · 13/05/2025 19:15

MrsDexterr · 13/05/2025 18:16

I have the opposite issue. My children want to go and live in my home country and DH does not. My eldest is applying for jobs in my home country now and my youngest does not refer to himself as British. None of them want British passports. I am not from the Hungarian countryside though.

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@MrsDexterr Hmm, i wonder whether he’ll change his mind if they both end up living in your home country!

That’s our issue, we’s prefer not to be on a different continent to our children…although knowing my two, they’ll end up in on different sides of the globe. Our families seem to have a wanderlust on both sides. 😂

HamptonPlace · 13/05/2025 18:59

Ilovelifeverymuch · 10/05/2025 13:41

They can also visit can't they? Why should it be on OP DH and kid to do all the travelling? It would be fairer to take turns. Yes he wants to see his family but that doesn't mean OP can't get tired of it after year after year after year of going to see them.

Options are switch it to every other year or they also come to visit. I live abroad and visiting family at home is not a vacation so I get where OP is coming from and thankfully our parents and families also visit us rather than expect us to always do the travelling to them.

And there is nothing wrong for OP and her DH to say to his family that unfortunately this year we can't afford to come down so we will come next year.

Edited
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you clearly have not read even the first post from OP- she explicitly states it's every second christmas 😱

HamptonPlace · 13/05/2025 18:54

is this Hungary? Both myself and DP are from '3rd' countries so we have not been abroad on an 'nuclear family' holiday since DC1 was 1. So DC2&3 have never been on one (a few long weekends yes, but only in Britain). Not that they care, love spending time with their cousins...

MrsDexterr · 13/05/2025 18:16

BruFord · 13/05/2025 17:36

@MrsDexterr The emotional attachment is v. strong, isn’t it. Even though the UK isn’t doing well right now, I’d move home in a heartbeat.

I did suggest this a few years ago and my children said no (DH was fine with the idea)!
That's the problem when you raise your children in another country, they get emotionally attached there!

I have the opposite issue. My children want to go and live in my home country and DH does not. My eldest is applying for jobs in my home country now and my youngest does not refer to himself as British. None of them want British passports. I am not from the Hungarian countryside though.

BruFord · 13/05/2025 17:36

@MrsDexterr The emotional attachment is v. strong, isn’t it. Even though the UK isn’t doing well right now, I’d move home in a heartbeat.

I did suggest this a few years ago and my children said no (DH was fine with the idea)!
That's the problem when you raise your children in another country, they get emotionally attached there!

thepariscrimefiles · 13/05/2025 17:29

Calmdownpeople · 13/05/2025 16:42

No not entirely true. Some immigrants have agreed with her and some (including myself) havent. It isn’t a blanket response to the OP and her position.

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I didn't say that all immigrants agreed with OP. I said that some posters who have immigrated to the UK from Hungary and one particular poster who had to visit family in the very rural and isolated parts of Hungary as a child have confirmed OP's account of the lack of amenities/infrastructure and the very traditional lifestyles.

I agree that quite a few posters who are immigrants to the UK have strongly disagreed with the OP and are totally on her partner's side.

MrsDexterr · 13/05/2025 17:16

I lived in the U.K. before I met DH too. Appreciate that had I not met DH I would have gone back to my home country and OPs partner might not have. My point about not always seeing what the future bring wis still valid I think. For example before I had my children, I did not know how important it would be for me that they connected with my home country and felt part of my nationality too. How important it was for me that they would be close to my parents and my siblings children. Read books and fairytales from my home country.
I think it can be really challenging to marry someone from another country and truly understand this feeling which might be there even if you have “chosen” to live here for whatever reason.

I think during Brexit for example, I often had the feeling that people living in the UK thought of immigrants and being lucky to be here, but there are so many reasons for people to migrate. Even if the reasons are financial it does not mean you can’t be homesick. Ofc we don’t really know more than the 2 posts from the OP and we haven’t heard from the partner so only getting one side.

I have been on MN too long not to take the “my I laws are awful” with a massive pinch of salt 😆

WearyAuldWumman · 13/05/2025 16:52

BruFord · 13/05/2025 16:39

I live in the U.K. for my DH, not for myself.

Yes @MrsDexterr and that’s a key difference between you and the OP’s partner. You moved for your DH’s sake, whereas her partner chose to move to the UK years before he met her. Being far away from his family was 100% his decision.

I think that part of the reason that I'm viewing this differently from some - apart from my own experiences as the child of an immigrant - is that my generation accepted that when you moved abroad, the likelihood was that you'd see your family only once in a blue moon, as per the family members who moved to Canada, the US, Australia and New Zealand.

In the case of my parents' generation, most of the immigrants that I knew were Displaced Persons who had no expectation of going home at first. When it became possible for them, trips home were a rare experience.

StartEngineStop · 13/05/2025 16:44

Calmdownpeople · 13/05/2025 16:36

I haven’t decided anything. He is living away from his family. Thats a fact. The sacrifice of seeing family is her partners Thats a fact.

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Yes, her partner’s sacrifice. She can’t be responsible for all decisions that he has made, including the one that resulted in him living away from his family.

Cosyblankets · 13/05/2025 16:42

godmum56 · 13/05/2025 16:41

How would you feel about someone contributing half the cost for the visits you HAD to have giving up their own annual leave and money to do so? Would you refuse to agree to doing stuff on those visits that would make it easier for them, like spending some part of the time there somewhere that wasn't in a village at the arse end of nowhere?

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Which is why I suggested separate holidays

Calmdownpeople · 13/05/2025 16:42

thepariscrimefiles · 13/05/2025 07:21

Does your DH have a horrible time every time you visit your parents or does he enjoy himself? If he enjoys himself, he isn't really making a sacrifice. If he doesn't, he is a saint to spend all his holiday time in places that he doesn't like and with people whose company he doesn't enjoy.

The visit to OP's partner's family is not pleasant for OP in any way and posters who are immigrants from that country have confirmed her accounts. OP's DH refuses to spend any time during the visit in places which would be more enjoyable for OP and her daughter. He is also expecting OP to fund half the cost of these trips. They are not married and have separate finances but all OP's spare money is being spent on these trips instead of going into her own savings. She is happy for him to go alone so she isn't stopping him seeing his family, but he gets upset and guilt trips her into going. He sounds very selfish.

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No not entirely true. Some immigrants have agreed with her and some (including myself) havent. It isn’t a blanket response to the OP and her position.

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