For not wanting to let my partner drive my car

So you aren’t allowed to drive his car, but he expects to take first dibs on yours?

He can fuck off with that attitude.

Do you currently have access to his car? If he's not sharing his new, big (for work) car why would he expect to share yours. It's obvious that you originally each had your own cars and went down to one car when he lost his job. Presumably you were contributing financially to fuel and maintain that car? If you are each now funding your own cars again then letting the other drive it sometimes will be up to the 'owner'

We have our own cars, for years I had a company car, I was made redundant last year and DH was far better at sharing his car for 3 months than I would have been.

Historically I have driven his car loads while he has hardly ever driven mine. I do a lot of driving (at one stage 17k miles a year) whereas he does about 4K. I now have an electric car, same Car as DH’s hybrid. I drive his now and then as the salesman says he doesn’t do enough mileage and it would be better if I give it a regular good run out. So this is for his benefit.

Sometimes I borrow his if I have a long journey to do, such as 200 miles each way to my sister, or 250 to DS at uni. Sometimes just if I can’t be bothered to unplug it while charging.

Now I am office based, DH will drive mine to get a puncture fixed, etc, as he has time at home during the day.

I can’t imagine not being happy to help each other out, but he has not insured you on his car? I think it would be too expensive to insure him on yours too.

Tell him he either puts your name on his car insurance or you don't insure him on yours.
I certainly wouldn't be letting him drive yours on his insurance as 1) he needs your permission, which you are not prepared to give at the moment and 2) he'd only be covered 3rd party to drive your car on his insurance - and it sounds like an expensive car.
I think you've got a much bigger conversation to have with your DP about the split of assets and finances if this relationship is to continue.

How odd!

We are "his car/ her car" mainly because of the faff of moving his seat out of the back of the car, and him contorting into the driver's seat to release the seat lever to move the seat back. His cars haven't tended to be ergonomic for short women drivers.
We are insured on each other's cars (and it's often cheaper to do so) so do drive them occasionally when there is a practical benefit or to split long journeys.

DP is sounding weirdly possessive about his car and intrusive about OP's. That would annoy me. His attitude is greedy and hypocritical.

And absolutely no way to him getting the first drive!!

IME adding someone on who has no claims brings the insurance down (assuming you both have no claims) so it's a bit short sighted in a few ways not to add each other on.

Me and DP have separate finances but with cars we're on each other's as drivers because you just never know when we might need a favour.

So you both seem very petty about it, but he started it I guess so I don't blame you. But it will bite you on the arse at some point.

At first I thought you were being a bit precious, but after seeing the update that he won't add you to his insurance then sod him. Also, him deciding he'll get first drive and dictating when he'll be using it is a bit controlling. He should be asking if he can borrow it, not telling you when he'll be using it. Is he a bit of an arse in other areas of the relationship?

Too expensive, he said?

Well there you go then. Perfect response for you

DH and I are insured on each others cars but they are definitely his and mine, we don't presume to use each others its just very handy sometimes and doesn't add much to our insurance

Unlike yours, as you can blithely respond next time he mentions it

@Watersounds i think it will
be quite expensive to add him to yours as well won’t it?

You should drive it first obviously but I think you're being pretty bitchy to say no to him driving it at all.

I do think it’s ridiculously petty. You are partners. Most time we just grab the keys to most accessible car rather than asking each other to move cars about just so I can drive “mine”

It’s a valid decision. When I bought my car, DH said, “I assume you won’t let me drive it?” and I said “That’s right” and that was that. He gets the bus and his kids have learned to drive themselves. No hassle.

@Watersounds and am not insured to drive it. I asked the other day if he would add me to it incase I needed it ever, he said ‘no, it would be too expensive’ well that's also a good excuse for you to use when you tell him he is not getting to drive your new car!! he wont be on the insurance!

I think it makes sense to each be on the other's insurance and be able to drive each others' cars as a backup or when it makes particular sense (for example, to transport something if one vehicle is larger). However, I'd expect each person would ask (in advance, if possible) to borrow the other car. His (1) ignoring your clearly stated boundaries and saying he'll just take the car and (2) being an arse to you because he didn't 100% get his way (basically trying to punish you or wear you down rather than having a discussion and pleading his case) would be big red flags for me.

"What's yours is mine, and what's mine is my own."

Do you share finances OP? it sounds like not

Is your car going to be much nicer or bigger than his?

I think it's best to have 2 different types of cars, and switch depending on where you're going, but if you have separate finances and aren't allowed to drive his, I can understand why you aren't happy.

If he has a DOC clause on his own insurance he could drive OPs car though…

You sold your car because you could not afford to run two cars after he lost his job. He traded up his car before you were able to replace yours and now he wants access to his car and a 'family' car even though you will not have access to his.

At some point you might not mind him driving it but as it's such a symbol of your independence I can understand why you don't want to share it.

By saying he will take it for the first drive to get fuel etc he is behaving as if it's his car. Tell him no, don't insure him on it and hide the keys. That might seem extreme to some but he's showing a great deal of entitlement and that would piss me off.

You weren't happily driving HIS car. You were driving the only family car, which was an agreed cost saving measure for the time when he lost his job.

If he has his personal car now which you can't drive, it must be ok for you to have your own car as well.

That said, it sounds weird to me, car is for me just a box on wheels, but it seems you both see it differently and it that context your position is not unreasonable.

"How would you feel, when you were buying (his car) and I planned all the places I'd like to drive it before you even got it?"
And.. wouldn't it be too expensive to put him as a driver on yours?

Ah just seen he hasn’t even insured you on his. Don’t insure him on yours then. Problem
solved

He was wrong to call you a bitch and talk about driving it first. But my husband and I just drive each others cars whenever, usually depends what’s first in the drive. We’d just say “I’m taking your car if that’s ok”

Very odd behaviour. You’ve been together 4 years and presumably live together, why would you not just use each other’s cars. I could never imagine saying to my DW that she couldn’t use any of my cars, and my cars are my absolute passion, they’re there to be driven.

If he occasionally needs to borrow your car for a good reason, fine. But if he’s bought himself his car of choice (for his use only) since incomes increased, and you’re buying yourself your car of choice from your own money, then no, he shouldn’t expect to use it as if it’s his 2nd car. The car is yours, not his. He should ask to borrow it if needed.