to think most women are still doing the majority of parenting?

There is a widespread view that men are all predatory, violent to the extent that it is common to hear even a clear enhanced DBS "just means they haven't been caught yet". Men in caring roles are often viewed with suspicion.

Is it surprising then that many men switch off from caring roles. Women are rightly given long maternity leave but men are entitled to pitifully little paid paternity leave which shows how little value society places on men in caring roles.

I have to say it's totally 50/50 for us. Perhaps my husband even does more 😳
For example since I had 2 boys it was a no trainer whenever we were out and about he always took them to the toilet. I tended to use the excuse queues too long in the ladies. But he was fine with it.

By contrast, every single man who had a child took their full parental leave where I work. I can’t imagine a situation where someone would turn down paid leave, it’s the most precious commodity. You must work with some absolute mugs.

Default parent here, yes he works more hours than me, him full time me part time, but he does absolutely nothing around the house.
Even this morning he couldn't take son to his club as he was going somewhere, so I said i would do it, along with the rest of the kids, time came to go to his club, husband still hadn't gone anywhere, I asked if he would give us a lift (just drop us off) it was a no, he was "going somewhere".
So we walked there and back, came home to a kitchen in a pigsty and a husband that still hadn't gone anywhere in the car.
I made a comment about the kitchen and was told that he wernt my skivvy. He's then took himself off for a nap.

Yep. DH loves the kids no end, wants the best for them and is a good dad.

However, I BF and co slept (he slept in anothetlr bed as had early starts for work), and there was an inevitablility about me becoming "primary " caregiver.
Kids seek me more when unwell or upset.
He's out of the house more.

We're both happy with the situation and it works for us

Unfortunately true in my case which is why I’m now a single parent. My ex has the children EOW and holidays when he feels like it and when it fits in with his girlfriend’s schedule with her kids.

They are at their dad’s this weekend and I have spent the whole time worrying about if they are stuck in front of a screen watching unsuitable TikToks on what is a lovely sunny day.

In a couple of years they won’t be spending any overnights there because he doesn’t have separate beds for them and they’re getting too old to share a bed (fortunately they are both boys).

He pays very little maintenance and as far as I can work out he doesn’t work much either. I work full time, earn most of the money AND do most of the parenting.

He seemed like he would be a great dad before we had kids. We always split the housework. He was lovely and empathetic. Doted on the animals we had. Otherwise I wouldn’t have married him. When we had kids it all changed. I remember a tradesman standing in our kitchen calling him sexist. I can’t remember why now.

It’s enormously frustrating but I finally accepted that I can’t change the man and now just accept that he’s nothing more than a glorified babysitter. My life has become more peaceful since.

And the bond I have with my children is incredible.

I chose to be the default parent and my husband geared up in his provider role. For some reason it was vitally important for me to be able to walk my child to school, pick her up afterwards and be present for the school assemblies or whenever the school needed parent volunteers. It was just something I wasn’t going to miss and I felt a bit selfish being the parent who got to do that

@cardycard I noticed exactly this on a couple of long haul flights recently - whether I noticed it more because I was stuck in one place for an extended period of time I don't know.

One French family, one British. In both cases the mother did all the parenting for the whole flight whilst the father watched films, and very occasionally got up to get something out of the overhead locker. Yes, that may have been the way the seating set up fell, but I like to think DH and I would have swapped at some point during the flight.

I did wonder whether I was being unreasonable, but I mentioned it to DH and he knew exactly which family I was talking about and had noticed the same thing, so it wasn't just me.

@cardycard I’ve not ever seen that. Most people need the higher income to pay the mortgage and bills. Certainly in London. Women work at very high powered jobs and don’t give them up. It’s either a nanny, use childcare, or lesser paid parent steps up. Most people cannot afford to drop income significantly. DD already discussing this with partner - she earns 3 times his salary so no giving up her work I think.

Thought a lot about your comment. I suppose in some situations you’ve got a valid point. But I also think it’s a vicious circle because the men don’t take the initiative, or don’t know or care how to do these things, so the women instinctively do it. It could be biological dare I say…

Yes I agree OP. But I also think that women are generally the drivers behind lots of pregnancies. Not in all cases of course. But lots of men either actively don't want children or more likely, don't care either way but go ahead to keep the women in their lives happy.
Never have a child with a man who isn't absolutely passionate about the idea.

This thread has made me feel a bit better about my building resentment towards my children’s father. He can lie on the sofa on his phone while all hell breaks loose around him, and then when I ask him to “help”/intervene/lose my temper he gets all defensive and bewildered as though he’s a visitor in his own home. I’d rather live in a society where roles are firmly defined - even if it meant women rarely work, because at least we wouldn’t end up doing EVERYTHING and being resentful that the men are useless.

The sick child on the flight example is terrible but I generally don’t think you can judge a parenting relationship by only what you see outside the home.

My OH used to do all of the nappy changes when we were out, but hardly did any at home.

When we’re on holiday it’s him playing on the beach with the kids whilst I read a book. But he’ll get the lie in every morning and it will have been me who packed all the kids stuff and will do all their laundry when we get back.

OH does more school pick ups than me, but I arrange literally everything else for school - uniforms, making sure bags are unpacked and packed, fees are paid, clubs booked and paid etc. It will almost certainly me who does all the research and admin for applying to senior schools but he’ll pitch up to all the open days and ask a lot of questions.

What do you think those women would say if the men really took a stance and initiated potty training?

They don't always take it well. See they don't want a co-]parent, they want someone who will do what they tell them to

In general you are absolutely correct.

The fact that there are outliers in which the dad is a very equally hands on parent doesn’t change the fact that this is true at all population level.

Those of you who have hands on partners, good for you but respectfully you are naive if you think this is the norm.

My lovely husband is the same. He always stepped up in every given situation. We all adore him.