to think most women are still doing the majority of parenting?

Because they don't connect the good bits of being the default parent (being with their baby more, control over the manner of parenting) with the bad bits down the line (doing it all themselves).

Same with dating - they don't connect the good bits of "traditional gender roles" (generous man treats you all the time and sees himself as a provider) with the bad bits down the line (he sees you as a domestic nurturer only).

That's just what I observe from threads on here, anyway - in real life almost all women I know were savvy enough not to fall for either of those dynamics.

I think this is part of the issue. For some reason many women think their view is the default, correct position and men need to follow their instructions. Be that how to clean or how to look after the kids. If you're constantly criticised for doing things, you stop doing them.

Yep. I used to wonder out loud when we would travel to Spain (which we did twice a year as my parents lived there) why I got both kids in a row of three and he got one across the aisle (back before you could buy a specific seat). It was never him and the two kids!
Any couple I know with both parents working full time and it’s still the mum who arranges the play dates, knows when it’s parent/teacher night and when the kids clubs are. Sure there are exceptions but generally works that way. She’s also the one who calls a plumber when needed, arranges their social calendar and books the holidays.

Well it's very true for me, big reason why I only had 1 child and also why one day we'll split up.

No idea. But from what I see while most women want greater input from their partner, most are happy / want to be the primary parent.

Sadly a lot of women set things up this way from day one. They want to be the default parent and criticise their partner's parenting. Some women choose to ebf because it's an excuse to have the baby on or near them 24/7. I've seen people say they refused to try a bottle because they don't want the baby's father to 'take over' feeding. New dads are often told 'your job isn't to care for the baby, it's to care for the baby's mother, so she can care for the baby'. Early dynamics around infant feeding can really embed this and the breast can become tangled up with comforting and soothing and even putting the baby to sleep, so the father becomes even more useless. It's one of the reasons I advocate for combo feeding from the start, so both parents can play an active part in all aspects of parenting their shared child.

A colleague of mine (male) wanted him and his wife to go down to four days each so they could share the load of financially providing (equal salaries) and parenting equally, she wouldn't allow it because she didn't want to lose those two weekdays with her child. Though it was okay for him to only be there on weekends.

Some people create this situation themselves by telling themselves only they can soothe the baby and therefore can't be away, that DH does it all wrong and therefore she can't possible leave him with the kid/s, because he's 'useless'. Instead of buggering off for a bit and trusting that the person she was so keen to procreate with, who she was happy to have as father to her children, will find his own way.

There are crap uninvolved disengaged parents too, it's interesting though how when you see families where one parent is awful and they have more than one kid and you ask about it, it turns out the crap parent was rubbish with the first but they all cracked on producing further children regardless, making life harder for themselves and saddling another kid or kids with a rubbish parent.

We've been equal from day one and wouldn't have it any other way. I can't honestly imagine how horrific it would be to have access to two grown adults to parent the child they equally produced, and only one take on the burden of all of the care.

Lots of cultural messaging reinforces it, how dads don't bond until the baby arrives, or actually they don't have any interest in babies, but once they're a toddler they get a bit better cos they can play and chase them around. Absolute nonsense to think it has to be or should be that way. Plenty of dads are besotted from the moment they find out their partner is pregnant, and want to do everything for their baby.

I work in a business which gives all parents fully paid parental leave for 6 months. Regardless of their gender.

it has good take up.

dads do want to be more involved.

I mean it’s not an opinion - data shows most women are the default parent.

But from what I see that’s how most women seem to want it.

My husband and I are taking shared parental leave - 6 months each - and the reaction we’ve had from other people to this has been very interesting.

Generally, millennials and Gen Z friends / colleagues have been really interested/ thought it’s a good idea. Older generations have acted more negatively and made me feel guilty for not taking longer.

These are some of the comments my husband has received at work “why would you want to do that?!” “what’s your wife doing?!” “be careful! So-and-so went on sabbatical to go travelling and he had no job when he came back as they worked out he wasn’t needed!” I’m sure none of this would get said to a woman!

A lot of women at work don't want to take less leave to share with their husbands.

Yes but equally the majority of men are still the primary breadwinner. Especially if you look globally when traditional gender roles are more entrenched in other cultures. All these attitudes go back to early humans where the females looked after the kids and males went out to hunt. Ultimately this is where the disconnect comes from - modern (Western) societal trends vs basic biology.

I think that couples are allowed to decide which parts of life they partake in, and in what proportion, without others feeling aggrieved at their choices.

I am very happy to have been the default parent, and equally happy to have left the majority of the financial burden to my husband. This would undoubtedly irritate many women, but that’s their problem.
If our roles had been reversed, we would never have survived as a family, because a family who wants to thrive plays to its strengths, not some arbitrary playbook! I know that there will be families where the traditional roles are completely reversed and they work equally as well.

The 50/50 families, which in 2025 UK appear to be the only ones to be respected, are right for the couples who fit this set up, not for everyone.
As someone with ND, my executive function is not up to the task to cope with doing half of everything, because it really is much more complex, for me, than doing all of something else. Obviously, had I been in a situation where I was required to do everything, then I would have done my best, but why would I set out to make my life more difficult from the get go?

My DH has taken more parental leave than I have (female) largely because I am the higher earner and work in the private sector. He works part time and does nearly all of the inset day/sick day parenting as he has more flexibility with his public sector employer. I carry nearly all of the mental load but he does more of the actual doing.

Well that is on them, they go along with it

Recently we were at a NT property nearby. A mum with Baby, toddler, and what looked like most things piled into pushchair, was given *instructions " on how to get to the kitchen garden on a long path .he however strolled off in opposite direction with 2 spaniels! WtF! Amothrr time a young mum was left to do all attractions while DH played golf!

Honestly most of the women I know who are in parenting relationships like this are because they wanted to be. They barely let the dad do anything from newborn, they didn’t let dad settle the baby, they didn’t let dad take the baby out, they didn’t leave the baby with dad, they got upset during a daddy phase during toddlerhood etc.
They reduced their hours not because they had to or because dad wouldn’t but because the woman wanted to.
All of this created a situation where the kids are less attached to dad and he’s also around less due to work.

and the old trope 'Disney Dad' so if man takes over and starts to make all the decisions for their children will mothers complain the children are too attached to the dad? and how does it work for mothers who dont want to work and stay home as that is women's roles? is all the parenting meant to fit in when men come home at night? so women want men to take their children clothes shopping, to events, they want the father's to feed the kids, so some want to be SAHM and still have the fathers do it all? or if they half which half is acceptable?

Yes it's very easy for patterns, routine, habits to form, roles get taken on by each parent and then that's just how the relationship plays out. Like you say I think maternity leave plays a big part in that.

I agree with you, and starting that from the beginning is very much needed. My past relationship was a shit show. I left for 2 hours to do my hobby for the first time, returned to a 1 year old with known allergies having a major allergic reaction which dad didn't notice as too busy on a screen... you can see why my relationship ended.

I think to a certain degree maternity leave plays a part in this. Women take time away from work and take on the load of parenting. Then they return to work but some dad's then can't change their way of thinking of how after a year they need to do more, which i know could be them lacking in confidence as by this point mum just knows the kid better. But also some mum's have spent maybe a year being the main parent and don't want to relinquish that. It's a tough line to get a good balance of, and only works with good communication and a strong relationship.

This doesn't just happen automatically and inevitably. Women can choose not to have that sort of life.

@Walkden We also prioritise paying the bills and the mortgage - in most families the higher earner needs to keep earning. It’s a total luxury to take hours off to collect dc from school for example. If my DD who is in a relationship has DC, I will be watching with interest. She earns a lot and they would not manage without her money. She’s self employed so it could be interesting!

Yeah sometimes, depending on the man. I think women's reluctance to leave the kids and let the man handle things (and also show she has faith in him) just adds to this bad narrative.