Sister angry I “yanked” my nephew’s arm and told him off

The issue here is the kid is really small. She wasn’t telling off a 5 year old that was just being a little shit.

She didn't threaten him. She pointed out that if he was hit, he wouldn't like it so we mustn't hit others.

OP I'd have done the same, I'd grab their arm too to stop them hitting and I have 4 kids. None of which have been traumatised by having their hand restrained.

It's not a bad thing for them to see that we are cross. At that age, they may not understand the reasoning but they can understand that mummy is cross.

You did nothing wrong.

Taking hold of a child's arm to stop them hitting a dog is not yanking. BIL has painted that in the worst light to his wife to deflect from his lazy arse not intervening when his child was messing about.

Asking a child how they would feel being hit in the face is not a threat. It is encouraging them to think about how what they do impacts others and whether they would like it if it happened to them. Interpreting it as a large person about to punch a child is also putting the worst possible spin on it.

I find myself wondering if there is something else going on in this scenario for the sister to be running to her parents to intervene, instead of just talking to OP herself. Why has such a drama been created out of what seems like a fairly normal disciplining of a child? Why has BIL gone out of his way to make OP sound so dreadful?

OP I will almost guarantee from your posts that this is not the only problem your sister has with you.

Im accused of being too harsh, too cold, too focused, too impatient, too this and too that. I get told I love my dogs more than I love my nieces and nephews.

It’s like not wanting or having children means you cannot possibly be a nice person or even vaguely understand what is acceptable behavior from children or not … because… ‘you’re not a mother’!

The child hasn't got the initial understanding of what they did wrong, but can still perceive threat though. They don't 100% understand other's pain, especially animals. But they understand that a loved aunt is threatening them.

Of course the incident leading up is relevant as the point of saying it is to make them think about the incident, and how it affected the other person. My god you are out of kilter on this. The whole fucking point is the person has done something wrong, and you are making them think about the thing that they did.

Yes I have to say, if someone said this specifically to my 2 year old, in an angry manner, whilst physically holding onto them, I wouldn’t be overly impressed. He is very young and his understanding isn’t at a level you are under the impression it should be (nor is he ‘nearly’ three, if we’re being picky!) so handling these situations can be tricky.
That’s not to say you’re entirely in the wrong, as ultimately you aren’t a parent, clearly aren’t all that fond of children overall (although I am sure you love your nephew) and the toddler should’ve been closer supervised and you weren’t wrong to hold his arm, although it obviously came across differently to BIL. Nephew also should’ve been told clearly why it was wrong, no doubt about that.
If he thought you were hurting or being nasty and upsetting his child though, you’d rather think he’d intervene 🤔
I personally don’t think it’s worth an apology but I probably would give a weak ‘sorry you felt I handled it wrong’ apology for the sake of family harmony given you live in your parents home and the situation will upset them if allowed to continue.

I wouldn't apologise. You didn't do anything wrong. If Lucy nipped your nephew that would be a bigger issue. Kids need to learn how to interact with animals. You used to many words for a 3 year old. You should have said kind hands with Lucy and showed him how to stroke gently. But. It's not your kid and if they don't want you to get involved they need to parent their own child.

This was my thought as well.

On the bright side, nearly 60% of voters think the OP was not being unreasonable.

Sounds like it's time to apologise OP, and try to use caring hands next time. And move out of your parents also, it's weird and I'm "down south".

Everything else aside, your parents have begged you to apologise for family harmony as they are concerned your sister will follow through on her threat not to visit whilst you are there. As you currently live in your parents’ home, I think you need to apologise for their sake.

Was the toddler beside himself in tears because of your scolding?
Is that why they want an apology?

I agree he needs to be taught how to behave around the dog and his behaviour was far from ideal.

I would definitely grab my niece’s arm if she was hitting my dog 🤷‍♀️ but then my sister and BIL would be there first so I wouldn’t need to! Toddlers don’t get a free pass to hit animals, they do need to know in no uncertain terms that that is wrong. The way you spoke to your nephew wasn’t kind but I think you can see that and would handle it differently next time. I think if you acknowledge that to your sister then you can find a way to move forward.

Ok "hun" 🤔

The incident leading up to it isn't relevant. You know the person is threatening you. But yes, if you had hit him in the face and he replied with that, you'd know he was threatening you. But obviously you'd deserve that response in the second scenario as you're an adult with understanding of why they don't hit people first maybe. I was trying to use two scenarios where the person hasn't really done anything wrong forst. Sorry you struggled to understand that.

I don't have a husband. However, if anyone said to me on me punching them in the face "How would you like that if I did that to you?", I'd not really hold it against them on account of I had just punched them in the face.

However, it's more something you say to someone who has done something and needs to think about how it affects the person they did it to. It would be more patronising than threatening for one adult to say to another as it implies they need teaching, like a child. It's reasonable to assume that most adults know that people don't like being punched in the face.

I've seen an elderly calm dog nip an unsupervised kid who did something stupid to the dog. (Kid bit the dog's tail just randomly)

Your nephew was lucky not to have been bitten!

Ok, maybe it wasn't the best phrasing, but not the worst. If bil a ds don't like it they should parent their own kid.

So this kid is just over 2 and a half. No, he obviously can't understand your sentence. Kids that age have no idea what "how would you feel xyz?" means. They don't have theory of mind.

A child that age - you say "no, we don't hurt animals", take the item away and distract the kid with something else. You don't grab at them or shout at them. That's shit parenting. I wouldn't be letting you near my toddler either

(for reference - parent of 4 kids age 1.5 - 10, 2 dogs and 3 cats. This is how I manage them with the animals. No animal has ever got hurt, nor snapped/swiped at the kids)

It is not even similar. The equivalent would be a man saying “How would you like it if I jumped into that parking space when I could see that you’d been waiting much longer than me?” (ie. challenging you to reflect on your own action.)

The child hit the dog in the face. OP asked the child to consider how they would feel if they’d been hit in the face. That is not unkind. I can’t see anything that OP did wrong (aside from expecting a two year old to control their actions). Her reaction was perfectly appropriate. I can see why so many children grow up to be feral brats with this current trend of sappy parenting.

This. It’s not the fact that you told him off, it’s the way you did it and the words you said.
So apologise for that, but you can also point out that the dad should have said something himself and that it was necessary for you to let the child know that what he did was wrong so that he didn’t hurt or provoke the dog again, although now you appreciate that the way you went about it was not the right way.

Perception and context is exactly what makes something a threat. A threat is something that in a given context could be reasonably perceived/ received as threatening. Nobody has a window into someone else’s intentions - especially not a 2 year old!

Gosh, this thread is rather demonstrating why primary teachers may be having problems, isn't it?

When I was a kid random adults would often step in and tell you what they thought of your behaviour. And generally speaking your parents would side with them...

Yes agreed. In this scenario - the only person therefor who is not required to be in a supervisory role was OP. Parents didn’t supervise child and Grandparents didn’t supervise their dog. All supervision of both was then left to OP - so even if her response was not Jo Frost perfect - she should never been in that position.