Page 2 | It’s likely that my DD (17 months) might have autism. Will she be able to lead a somewhat normal life?

sha160528 · 2025-05-09T21:41:48+00:00

Hi, Not really an AIBU but posted here for traffic My DD is 17 months and after a visit from the HV and Early Years Worker today, I was told that it is likely that DD will receive an Autism diagnosis at some point in her life - she didn’t say it’s a definite diagnosis but based on her observations and the test she did - it is likely especially as her dad is Autistic too. I didn’t get that much guidance in regards to what this will mean for DD. I guess as DD is still quite young it’s hard to say, but I’ve just had a little cry as I worry about what this means for DD long-term. Will she make meaningful friendships? Will she be bullied? What if she’s discriminated in the world of work? What if people try to use her for their own gain? Etc I am willing to engage in whatever help I can give to her but I worry about the future for her and I know no one can say exactly where she’ll sit on the spectrum but I feel like I’m mourning the loss of the life my DD could’ve had (I don’t have anything against Autism but both her dad and my sister have experienced the above negative feelings of rejection etc in society) and it worries me

Original poster

sha160528 · 27/05/2025 19:04

@LoveSandbanks this sums it up perfectly. I’ve received a lot of stick on a few threads due to my anxiety in relation to a (potential) diagnosis and I think people don’t understand that as a mother I’m worried about what it’ll mean for her and how her future will be as a result of a (potential) diagnosis. I understand that it’s too early to fully tell etc but that doesn’t stop the worry. Unless I ask these questions and see what support is out there based on other people’s experiences I won’t be able to navigate the next few years smoothly.

I’ve worked in schools and I also agree that no magic wand will be waved in the mid future to give ND children the help that they need consistently throughout their education/career. We’ve still got a way to go before that can happen so it’s down to us parents to try to navigate that and often that can feel like a lonely journey so I appreciate the way you’ve put it as you do worry because you care and love them. Of course you’ll always love them, you love them that much that you don’t want the world to be cruel to them over something that they have no control over

OP posts:

Original poster

sha160528 · 27/05/2025 19:00

@Sandy792 thank you for the lonely message. I’ve found it really helpful to read.

I think that’s definitely a good way to look at it - treating her as if she does has ASD but still allowing her to be as independent as possible.

Would you say in your case helicopter parenting has allowed your DC to feel more independent as an adult as those additional needs he had as a ND child were met which gave him the confidence to then take the lead? I always read that as much as they’ll have things they struggle with to let them be as independent as possible as you’re taking that independence away from them and making them dependent otherwise which will cause issues long-term. I’m intrigued as to how to ‘helicopter parent’ whilst still promoting independence

OP posts:

Sandy792 · 27/05/2025 16:10

The good thing is OP you're ahead of the game in knowing that there's ASD in both families and that she may have inherited it. That means you already have an eye out for it and an awareness that many parents won't. You also have a positive attitude towards it. I think 17 months can be tricky age to diagnose all but the most severe cases. It's so young and children change so much.

I would though honestly treat her like she does have ASD as she gets older - all that means is really good parenting. Things like preparing her for things that are going to happen during the day, warning her before any transitions, explaining things simply and clearly to her, talking to her about feelings and emotions and labelling them, noticing when she is hungry/hot/thirsty/tired. Breaking everything down into small steps that she can cope with and building up slowly. Lots of time to decompress doing things she loves at home.

Helicopter parenting actually works really well for kids with ASD because it's basically parents enabling their kids to cope and smoothing the way for them - I remember reading it in one of Tony Attwood's books. I was a major helicopter parent! DS is now living away from home doing a degree apprenticeship and has a group of friends. It hasn't always been so easy and there were certainly times I thought he'd never have friends or be able to get a job due to interview anxiety (thank god for giving questions ahead of time to autistic candidates) - but now he's flying and loving life. Good luck OP! She's got a mum who loves her so much so she's already ahead of many kids.

LoveSandbanks · 27/05/2025 15:31

Bluevelvetsofa · 09/05/2025 22:47

I think everyone has hopes and dreams for their children and it’s difficult to accept that those might have to be changed.

She’s still your precious child and you will love and care for her and give her the best chances you can, whatever her abilities, her personality and her relationships. Not every child is going to be a stellar achiever, but that doesn’t mean they are less loved.

You will adapt to your daughter’s needs, whatever they may turn out to be.

It’s not really about adapting or loving our children.

as parents we want our children to have every advantage possible and travel through life as easily as possible. Life is all ups and downs but when we find out that our child will have a disability that will make their life more challenging than others it’s gut wrenching.

I adore my children and wouldn’t have them any other way. I would change the constant fucking fight for an education that meets their needs. I’d change the world so it accepted them as they are. I’d take my sons anxiety away (but leave his bravery, he leaves me in absolute awe at his bravery)

The world has not been kind for my children and I can’t see that changing much in the mid future. It has been an uphill road for us ti access an education that allows them to fulfill their potential, how they will find meaningful work is a hurdle I’m not yet ready to even attempt to overcome.

x2boys · 27/05/2025 15:23

pimplebum · 27/05/2025 15:06

it might be a good idea to have yourself tested as well ?
in the mean time try to put your concerns aside and enjoy the child you have , two people have said they don’t have concerns and she is mostly meeting all milestones so even if she is autistic it’s unlike to dramatically effect her in life so please relax and enjoy your baby

Autism is a massive spectrum, nobody on here can say how it could affect the Ops daughter if she is autistic
It's unhelpful to minimise it and the impact it has on people.

pimplebum · 27/05/2025 15:06

it might be a good idea to have yourself tested as well ?
in the mean time try to put your concerns aside and enjoy the child you have , two people have said they don’t have concerns and she is mostly meeting all milestones so even if she is autistic it’s unlike to dramatically effect her in life so please relax and enjoy your baby

Original poster

sha160528 · 20/05/2025 12:20

Forgot to add the attachment …

It’s likely that my DD (17 months) might have autism. Will she be able to lead a somewhat normal life?

OP posts:

Original poster

sha160528 · 20/05/2025 12:19

Just another little update (as I know someone who’s in a similar situation may try and search for answers just like I did) … DD is engaging in a lot of pretend play. Regularly brings toys over to me.

She has been doing an open hand point when she wants something.

She also did this (see attachment) in a selfie of us both so I’m not sure if she’s just sticking her index finger out with no intention to point or if she’s slowly developing the skill?

As for the responding to her name it’s a bit of a tricky one as she’ll respond when she knows she’s in trouble and if she’s not preoccupied however, if Miss Rachel is on or if she’s very occupied with her toys she won’t respond - so not sure what to think there…

I’m aware that there’s a possibility she might be Autistic but also I don’t want to have a premature diagnosis where it could be that she’s just a little delayed in the pointing aspect.

OP posts:

Dreichweather · 13/05/2025 21:42

sha160528 · 13/05/2025 21:39

Just thought I’d provide a quick update…

I spoke to my DD’s key worker today to ask for an update as to why she’s getting on at nursery.

Her key worker said that DD always responds to her name at nursery, engages well with other children, is constantly talking, claps, brings toys over, does a lot of pretend play and makes good eye contact. The only thing she doesn’t do is point.

I asked how she was developmentally compared to other kids.

She said that initially she was a little bit behind when she first started nursery, but then she caught up and apart from the pointing there’s nothing else she seems majorly delayed in.

For the HV DD didn’t engage in pretend play, didn’t respond to her name, didn’t show and bring toys over etc. The key worker did say it could be as they’re strangers to her she didn’t feel as confident around them.

I did relay the above back to the HV who said that they did say that it could just be a delay (if I’m honest I feel like the HV thought it’s more of a delay whereas the EYW was leaning more so towards Autism imo). The EYW did also say it could just be a delay but she did say the words ‘is likely to receive an Autism diagnosis’

Mightjust have to wait and see

Pls do also see GP for referal to audiology. My DD’s key worker thought her hearing was fine but you know your child better.

Original poster

sha160528 · 13/05/2025 21:39

Just thought I’d provide a quick update…

I spoke to my DD’s key worker today to ask for an update as to why she’s getting on at nursery.

Her key worker said that DD always responds to her name at nursery, engages well with other children, is constantly talking, claps, brings toys over, does a lot of pretend play and makes good eye contact. The only thing she doesn’t do is point.

I asked how she was developmentally compared to other kids.

She said that initially she was a little bit behind when she first started nursery, but then she caught up and apart from the pointing there’s nothing else she seems majorly delayed in.

For the HV DD didn’t engage in pretend play, didn’t respond to her name, didn’t show and bring toys over etc. The key worker did say it could be as they’re strangers to her she didn’t feel as confident around them.

I did relay the above back to the HV who said that they did say that it could just be a delay (if I’m honest I feel like the HV thought it’s more of a delay whereas the EYW was leaning more so towards Autism imo). The EYW did also say it could just be a delay but she did say the words ‘is likely to receive an Autism diagnosis’

Mightjust have to wait and see

OP posts:

Original poster

sha160528 · 12/05/2025 22:16

@Dreichweather thank you. Will look into this tomorrow

OP posts:

Original poster

sha160528 · 12/05/2025 20:49

@Bryonyberries when I spoke to the key worker she said she had no concerns to be honest.

I asked her if DD responds to her name at nursery. She said she wasn’t sure - she said she’d test her and find out.

The next time I spoke to her she told me that she tested DD a few times and she responded every single time (not always the case with myself - she doesn’t respond every single time but then again her key worker has a very high pitched, loud, screachy voice) she said they didn’t actually have any concerns. I did ask about pointing - she said she hasn’t seen her point either, I did find it a little strange that considering DD has attended since September - the key worker didn’t know if DD responds to her name.

OP posts:

minnienono · 12/05/2025 20:24

please set aside this for now and enjoy your child. My eldest is autistic, diagnosed at 2.5 years and there were signs from birth, no babbling, no eye contact, dislike of looking at me even, low tone … dd2 was on the same track but at 2.5 took a turn and doesn’t have autism, she is dyslexic though

Dreichweather · 12/05/2025 20:19

sha160528 · 12/05/2025 19:50

@Dreichweather nope. They didn’t even suggest a hearing test to be honest. Maybe because she does speak words?

She can speak words and still have hearing issues. My child had very good speach for her age but had glue ear. One in five pre schools will have glue ear at any one time. Glue ear is the most common hearing issue among children but there are others.

Go to the GP and ask for a referal to audiology. An autism diagnosis happens when certain behaviours are present and there isn’t another explaination.

Bryonyberries · 12/05/2025 20:05

Does she go to nursery?

We aren’t officially trained but we have seen plenty of early autism traits and usually the children know the staff they are with daily that they behave more naturally with us for us. We then refer on to professionals who can actually do something to help access official channels.

Personally the description you’ve given wouldn’t make me overly concerned, there is a lot of variation in being able to do those activities when asked to at 17mths.

Things I’ve picked up in very young ones are stimming - we had a little one who would rotate his hands and feet when excited, for example. Not responding to being talked to. Finding it difficult to self soothe or sleeping issues, excessive climbing (most toddlers climb a bit but I’ve found these children like climbing on things others wouldn’t think to climb), tipping out boxes but not to play with the items.

I’d say I can pick out children most likely to be ND by 2/2.5yr through experience of both ND and NT children and I’d imagine most experienced nursery staff would be the same.

CanINapNow · 12/05/2025 19:58

I’ve just finished Pierre Novelli’s (a comedian) book on Autism “why can’t I just enjoy things?” Highly recommend for partners/parents of those with ASD

x2boys · 12/05/2025 19:52

Mynewnameis · 12/05/2025 19:45

Yes, and she did. And she was right.

Show quote history

But that doesn't mean this health visitor will.be right ,
It's not in their remit to.diagnose autism ,that's why it needs an accurate assessment from those trained to do one.

Original poster

sha160528 · 12/05/2025 19:50

@Dreichweather nope. They didn’t even suggest a hearing test to be honest. Maybe because she does speak words?

OP posts:

Original poster

sha160528 · 12/05/2025 19:49

@Mynewnameis my daughter’s actual HV did not even have any concerns from her visits. She m thought it DD was where she should be - it was me that raised concerns in regards to pointing and my DH’s history. That’s when she referred me to the EYW and they did a joint visit

OP posts:

Original poster

sha160528 · 12/05/2025 19:47

@x2boys I think perhaps she did overstep in terms of being under qualified to say that. She also couldn’t answer a lot of the questions I had in regards to next steps and what the interventions would entail.

OP posts:

BeEagerEagle · 12/05/2025 19:47

Autism is a massive spectrum. Some cope with regular school, socialising, working, travelling, living alone. Some don’t at all and need care. Until you see how it affects her as an older child and adult it’s impossible to say.

Mynewnameis · 12/05/2025 19:45

x2boys · 12/05/2025 19:38

A health visitor isn't in anyway qualified to.say a child will.receive a diagnosis at some point
yes they can voice their c concerns and refer to appropriate services but that all.

Show quote history

Yes, and she did. And she was right.

x2boys · 12/05/2025 19:38

Mynewnameis · 12/05/2025 19:35

I know someone with a child who's hv picked it up very young. The mum had no idea, even though the brother was being assessed.
They had hearing test early on in the process.

A health visitor isn't in anyway qualified to.say a child will.receive a diagnosis at some point
yes they can voice their c concerns and refer to appropriate services but that all.

Dreichweather · 12/05/2025 19:35

I haven’t read through the full thread but those issue could be explained by hearing. Has she been refered to audiology for a hearing test?

Mynewnameis · 12/05/2025 19:35

I know someone with a child who's hv picked it up very young. The mum had no idea, even though the brother was being assessed.
They had hearing test early on in the process.