DH and MIL blindsided me with weekend away - was I wrong to kick off

His point of view is that she is a piece of meat only good for servicing his needs. He’s had no thought for whether she is ready to leave her baby or not, no thought to why she hasn’t been ready for sex, he’s just so blinded by his “need” for sex.

Since the baby was born a few months ago, he’s been badgering her for sex, he’s compared her to his 20 year old ex “she had sex with me straight away, why can’t you!” He buys her sexy underwear when she is 3-4 months postpartum and tries to cajole her into a night away she doesn’t want. What woman in the history of time would enjoy wearing sexy underwear when their body is still recovering and they are looking after a baby 24/7?

And even worse, he got his mummy on board to help pressure her, probably because she wanted the baby overnight “she wasn’t happy when we returned”

And you’re defending his “point of view”. Suggest you get a reality check and re-look at how you view the women in your life too.

Sorry I've cocked up the voting with my stupid fingers,obvs I meant to vote for you,insane and icky plan from DH there.

She probably didn’t want to but he was pressuring her and she was only 20 years old….

He sounds so gross. 🤮

And he bought some sexy underwear as he probably thought it may help himself

That's exactly right ourdaringeagle.

You saw a postpartum mum write
"I’ve always been clear on to DH is that I don’t feel ready to leave our DC "

"I’ve told him I need some time"

"I told DH I felt uncomfortable "

"Now he knows that [wearing costumes for sex] has never been my thing and the outfit in question was at least a size too small"

You saw her write all that and you still don't think he was bulldozing through all her boundaries in order to get sex? Genuinely?

He then got angry and argued that his ex would've let him.

You need to have a think about your expectations of women.

You ignored all of those things in your post. I hope you don't do that in real life and you're just posting to make some sort of point.

Please do this.....maybe keep sent copy to his mother as well ....your body ...your choice xx and never allow anyone tell you when to leave your baby 👶

I never said that I supported "such coercive behaviour" as you are want to try to classify it. That's your construct, and yours alone!

I just suggested trying to see the whole episode from his pov, not to justify it but to better understand it, and to encourage the OP to try to do the same to help resolve the issue(s) it has created between them. I normally find seeing things from the other person's POV helps with resolving conflict, even if you still firmly believe the other person was wrong in what they did or tried to do or whatever...

God that is so grim. Have you told him how blatantly obvious it is that he did all that solely so he could get sex? If so, how did he respond? He’s treating you like an object or some kind of of sex worker. I’d struggle to come back from this.

What a vile pig he is. And you bred with that thing (I know, you didn't know what a vile pos he would turn out to be, but). He probably FORCED his ex into it.

I'd tell him he is being an ungrateful prick and that most women aren't up for sex til around a year after birth. Watch his response to that. His mother should know better, having given birth himself. They are both the absolute scum. And I would be telling your H in no uncertain terms what a seflish and ungrateful pig he is being and he is looking at year til you feel up to it.

Oh god I would have absoloutley hated that. I would probably have enjoyed it if I didn’t have a young baby, had been warned and had time to prepare (and shave)!

Also the raunchy outfit. 😭Clearly not a present and for his own pleasure . How would he have felt if you bought him a vibrator and disguised it as a present?

I would find it extremely disrespectful.

You don’t mention that you’re a loving and devoted husband/ partner in this comment @ThatDaringEagleand perhaps your post being such an outlier highlights why.
There is nothing ok about what @BeccaBoo9has mentioned and I’m shocked that you could support such coercive behaviour which totally bulldozers over her feelings.

YANBU that’s just too much, I wouldn’t have wanted to leave my babies overnight when they were very young, that’s totally normal.

Jeez. That is grim.
I once had a boyfriend whose mum kept making sex jokes about him and laughing about it. I ended it swiftly. How gross.

FFS do not feel anything other than incredibly pissed at him and his mother.
you spent the last 9 months growing a human, then you pushed a watermelon out of your hoo ha. Tell him to go shit a bowling ball then we can chat about dress up and shoving stuff in the hole. Until then he needs to get fucked off until you want to have sex with him again - which after this would be the third week after never for me

I feel sorry for him. The outfit aside, he made an effort and was very thoughtful. The fact that you didn't wanna do it hadn't been clearly expressed. I feel sorry for him.

I’m afraid this would be the end for me. He’s more interested in getting his end away than the feelings of his own partner who has not long given birth to his child.
And the fact he’s planned this seedy little trip with his mother is, frankly, gross.

You deserve better OP.

You can take it back, @PotatoBreadForTheWin - just select YANBU instead and it will change your vote!

That's awful. You can tell he must be complaining to his mum about you . Which makes it even worse.
And I bet the mother to his first child was so young she felt pressured to resume having sex quite early on.
I can't remember when we started again after all my pregnancy's. It took that long to be interested and physically ready for it again.
And I never let anyone have my kids over night till I was ready . I told my mil no repeatedly. We did fall out but she had her kids and these are mine. And my choice.
You have done nothing wrong and sound like a lovely mum

When we checked in, DH told me he had got me a present and had a bag behind his back. In this was a skimpy outfit and he said it was for me to wear that night. Now he knows that has never been my thing and the outfit in question was at least a size too small, there’s no way I’d have got in to it (irrelevant as I didn’t feel comfortable).

And this was just utterly daft considering he knows it’s never been your thing even before you had a child. Or is he getting confused and was thinking about one of his exes when he bought you this? Ridiculous.

Reminds me a bit of a then boyfriend who got me skimpy underwear for my 19th (and nothing else), when I was still building up to being intimate with him and he was all offended when I told him he could keep “my present” - which was really a present for him. There were so many things he knew I would have liked more - books, journals, earrings, chocolate.

But to be fair he was 19 also. I assume OPs husband is considerably older.

How on earth is it considerate? @ThatDaringEagle

OP was clear she doesn’t feel ready to leave their child with someone else overnight and he arranges that without her knowledge and consent. Doesn’t give her much time to think about it since he springs it on her and keeps pushing it even when she says she’s uncomfortable.

And not only was he asking her to suddenly get comfortable with being away from her baby but also getting back into sex on the same night - something else which she had said she wasn’t confident doing yet .

He has shot himself in the foot if anything and it’s obvious to anyone with a grain of EI that he has probably made her feel more uncomfortable about intimacy. Add to that he made unfavourable comparisons with an ex who is the mother of his child child - bizarrely trying to hold her to the standard of another (much younger) woman who he didn’t have a lasting relationship with.

If he was really being considerate he’d have waited until she felt comfortable to be away from baby then - with her consent - booked her a nice spa evening or overnight trip with a friend or something with pampering treatments included. One thing at a time.

This situation he created was clearly for his personal gain!

One thing I’ve always been clear on to DH is that I don’t feel ready to leave our DC with someone else overnight yet.
Last Saturday, his MIL turned up at ours out of the blue. She told me she’d booked DH and I a night away at a country hotel and that she’d look after our DC. She said it was only a 30 minute drive so we were still relatively close by.
I really didn’t want to go but felt awkward to decline and pressurised into going. We packed and set off, I told DH I felt uncomfortable and that if I didn’t feel up to staying after the meal, I’d want to go home without staying.

Wow this is sexual coercion on a whole different level.

It's not a nice gesture when it's ignoring what she's specifically said, that she's not ready to leave her baby overnight or have sex yet

Does he often try to ignore your boundaries and how you feel? Is he the right man for you in the long run? Probably not.

There's quite a few posters saying they where clueless and stupid OP. I disagree. I think they knew exactly what they where doing, and their manipulative intentions towards you would be the end of it for me. I couldn't build a future with a man I couldn't trust to have my best interest, while his overbearing mother hangs vulture like over his shoulder, looking to hijack my experience as a mother to satisfy hers. They are telling you who they are. This is absolutely disgusting behaviour, and I suspect they're just getting started.

If it had been a clumsy attempt to treat you fair enough but it’s obvious he just wanted sex.

I'm a guy & a proud & loving father, and I consider some of the reactions to this post ridiculously over the top, tbh.

Firstly, from a guy's pof what did DH do?. He took the initiative to book a nice romantic night away, with his post natal partner, to get away from baby for 1 night. He arranged the child's grandmother to look after baby, which was considerate to all imho. And he bought some sexy underwear as he probably thought it may help himself & his OH to get back feeling sexy & help revive relations between them on their only night away for maybe the past 6-8 months!. And that's it!!

I think he was actually trying to be quite thoughtful & considerate tbh.

I fully accept that this may not have been what is OH wanted at this juncture, but all he was probably trying to do was to encourage her maybe to get to the next stage. Was that really all that terrible?....

So he was a little previous & possibly the underwear was a step too far, but so what?

OP you're fully entitled to react to that initiative by your OH whatever way you like, but fwiw I think you should chat to him and say while you really appreciated the gesture, and the organising it was all just a little too soon for you. AND then, leave it at that!!

P.s. some of the reactions here are so angry, over reactive and OTT as to be completely unhelpful & counterproductive imho.

E.g. Do not book something you know your OH world hate to make your point. That's just vindictive, self justifying, expensive, folly and will only damage your relationship going forward. It's probably suggested by posters on here who have either none, unhappy or very one sided relationships with their partners imho.

P.p.s try to think positively about this whole experience e.g. that months or years from now both of ye will be able to laugh at each other's thinking and reactions, and how what your OH thought you would like was just like a really awkward moment of couple misunderstanding for you...

I'd share this thought with him too, it might help him see the lighter side of all of this after going to all the bother of booking a night away, organising his mother to stay over & babysit , and probably building himself up for reviving relations between the pair of ye.... only to see it all blow up in his face!!
(OH the joys of fatherhood!!:)) )

Good luck!

The two of them were arseholes. Tell him to fuck off with his skimpy outfit and self centred behaviour. Gross.