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Original poster

DH and MIL blindsided me with weekend away - was I wrong to kick off

338 replies

BeccaBoo9 · 09/05/2025 20:47

I gave birth a few months ago (first time Mum) and have found it extremely challenging but rewarding too. It has strained mine and DH’s relationship slightly in terms of the sleepless nights but we expected that and no one has crossed the line in terms of comments.

There has been little to no intimacy since the birth mainly due to me, DH is still up for it but I’ve told him I need some time to build up my confidence again.

One thing I’ve always been clear on to DH is that I don’t feel ready to leave our DC with someone else overnight yet.

Last Saturday, his MIL turned up at ours out of the blue. She told me she’d booked DH and I a night away at a country hotel and that she’d look after our DC. She said it was only a 30 minute drive so we were still relatively close by.

I really didn’t want to go but felt awkward to decline and pressurised into going. We packed and set off, I told DH I felt uncomfortable and that if I didn’t feel up to staying after the meal, I’d want to go home without staying.

When we checked in, DH told me he had got me a present and had a bag behind his back. In this was a skimpy outfit and he said it was for me to wear that night. Now he knows that has never been my thing and the outfit in question was at least a size too small, there’s no way I’d have got in to it (irrelevant as I didn’t feel comfortable).

Anyway, we ended up coming home after the meal as I was a mess and my MIL looked extremely unimpressed when we turned up.

We’ve had several rows about it this week, I’ve really had a go at him for going behind my back and doing this. He called me an ungrateful cow earlier and stormed out so I don’t have a clue where he is now (the pub, probably)

OP posts:
Isabellivi · 10/05/2025 09:21

if my man didn’t want to have sex with me for 3 months I would feel unloved and rejected. I understand post partum body can be difficult to adjust but what if he was the one refusing her sex for 3 months? and she felt undesirable and depressed. All the mums would be telling her how awful he is for not sleeping with her , he’s probably cheating, leave him, etc etc

CallItHome · 10/05/2025 09:21

He forced you to leave your child without preparation.
He tried to pressure you into sex.
His mum was part of this appalling scheme.
He suggested an open relationship.
He did not consider your needs.
He did not consider your baby’s needs.

I do not think I could forgive this one Op. I am sorry x

Isabellivi · 10/05/2025 09:19

Men feel love and connection through sex. I can understand not wanting to but it’s not like he’s weird for wanting sex with you! 3 months is a long time. In his shoes wouldn’t you feel rejected and unloved? I know I would if my man didn’t want to have sex for 3 months

ButteredRadish · 10/05/2025 09:14

MissFancyDay · 09/05/2025 21:25

I could cry for you Op. That was just such a shitty thing to do by both of them. I wouldn't blame you if you never felt like having sex with him again.

Don’t be so utterly dramatic! Talk about an overreaction. It’s shitty what they did, yes but crying!? 🤣

SatsumaDog · 10/05/2025 09:07

Dear God, it gets worse! An open marriage!? Wtf does he think he is! I’m sorry op, but he clearly only cares about one thing and it’s not you. Hideous behaviour.

PurpleFlower1983 · 10/05/2025 09:04

He is disgusting. I would be kicking him out!

Dashel · 10/05/2025 09:04

LadyBracknellsHandbagg · 10/05/2025 08:41

Have you read the OP’s latest post? The only thing he’s struggling to adapt to is getting sex when he wants it, he’s absolutely revolting.

Show quote history

No because it was posted whilst I was writing. Sorry he does sound like a pig.

Chinnuy · 10/05/2025 09:00

BeccaBoo9 · 10/05/2025 08:54

It’s a bit complicated but the child lives abroad now. He has never had 50/50

Edited
Show quote history

Well I don’t know the details but from the sounds of it he wasn’t a major part of his child’s formative years and doesn’t have a great track record for being adequately involved in his child’s life. The first child’s mother was also “young” but it sounds like she stuck around and raised the kid so him being young isn’t much of an excuse for his absence. I assume he was at least in his 20s and therefore an adult.

He’s coming across worse in every update and seems quite immature and selfish.

I think it’s hugely important he shows that he understands why you didn’t appreciate his little stunt with the hotel /outfit/MIL babysitting and sincerely apologises to you for it all and for calling you an ungrateful cow.

Noshadelamp · 10/05/2025 08:59

BeccaBoo9 · 10/05/2025 08:30

He eventually turned up at gone 11 last night so obviously stayed in the pub for closing as he was pissed.

He blurted out a question about whether I’d consider an open relationship until I’m feeling up to it. When I told him to fuck off he backtracked and said he told ‘them’ it would be a stupid idea and he didn’t mean it. So someone put him up to it.

Thanks for the many supportive comments last night, I am going to go back through and read the past few pages.

How is he that desperate for sex and that disconnected from reality that he comes home saying that??
Oh I know, because he's just thinking of himself, objectifying women and thinks the world revolves around him thanks to his DM.

i get tou're both going to be tired and overwhelmed with the baby, but he definitely needs to start thinking from op's pov rather than listening to his mother and mates at the pub.

CaveMum · 10/05/2025 08:59

Oh my god @BeccaBoo9 your posts made me feel physically ill.

At this stage, for me, the relationship would be over. Instead of coming back to you with questions like “what can I do to make it up to you” and “tell me what I can do to help you get your confidence back” he decided to ask if it’s ok for him to shag someone else instead?!

He does not see you as a partner in this relationship. You are a glorified sex toy that he’s sulking about not being able to play with.

Take some time to think about what you want, but if it were me I’d be packing his bags.

SmoothRoads · 10/05/2025 08:58

BeccaBoo9 · 10/05/2025 08:30

He eventually turned up at gone 11 last night so obviously stayed in the pub for closing as he was pissed.

He blurted out a question about whether I’d consider an open relationship until I’m feeling up to it. When I told him to fuck off he backtracked and said he told ‘them’ it would be a stupid idea and he didn’t mean it. So someone put him up to it.

Thanks for the many supportive comments last night, I am going to go back through and read the past few pages.

He sounds worse and worse. Unfortunately, some men don't show their true selves until children enter the picture.

You don't have to go along with any of it, OP. It's your life and it's now also your child's life. You deserve to be happy.

MellowCritic · 10/05/2025 08:56

Sorry he said what ? Ask him if he considers a divorce more appropriate untill you're feeling up to it. This is beyond disgusting and vile. I cant.. I just cant. This man is not suitable for marriage or to he a dad.

LT1233 · 10/05/2025 08:55

BeccaBoo9 · 10/05/2025 08:30

He eventually turned up at gone 11 last night so obviously stayed in the pub for closing as he was pissed.

He blurted out a question about whether I’d consider an open relationship until I’m feeling up to it. When I told him to fuck off he backtracked and said he told ‘them’ it would be a stupid idea and he didn’t mean it. So someone put him up to it.

Thanks for the many supportive comments last night, I am going to go back through and read the past few pages.

Jesus christ. Girl, this ain't the guy you should be spending any more of your life with, I'm sorry. You need to start making plans xx

Bigpaintinglittlepainting · 10/05/2025 08:55

So he went to the local pub and complained about the lack of sex and the men in there told him to consider an open marriage? After a few months?

You have more problems than you realise, he's a complete misogynistic.

Original poster
BeccaBoo9 · 10/05/2025 08:54

Chinnuy · 10/05/2025 08:45

You know I suspected that was going to be his next question. Either that or just outright cheating.

I’m so sorry Op but no-one put him up to it, he’s blaming others saying it was a stupid idea but even if a mate suggested it, he could have shot it down instantly.

Instead he sat there and considered “their idea”, clearly thought it was a good option and then asked you about it. This wasn’t a spur of the moment thing. He had all the time from his chat in the pub - or whenever it was supposedly suggested to him - to the moment when he got back to yours to think it over. And he still thought it was a good idea to raise it with you - no one else can be blamed for that. He meant what he said!

I’d be worried about his commitment to staying faithful at this point.

ETA: yes I was the one who asked how shortly after having his first kid did he leave and not surprised at all to hear he left within a year! So a partner having sex quickly after giving birth does not necessarily a lasting relationship make…

Was he a “hands on dad”, I’m assuming he didn’t have full or 50/50 custody of his child at any point?

Edited
Show quote history

It’s a bit complicated but the child lives abroad now. He has never had 50/50

OP posts:
IButtleSir · 10/05/2025 08:50

I would absolutely get rid of this man now, while your child is too young to remember him living with you.

ETA: For clarity, I mean divorce him, not murder him!

DecayedStrumpet · 10/05/2025 08:49

I'm now wondering how your sex life was pre-baby, it doesn't feel like this sense of entitlement has come from nowhere?

Was sex always on his terms before? Or have you just never previously said no to him?

Chinnuy · 10/05/2025 08:45

BeccaBoo9 · 10/05/2025 08:30

He eventually turned up at gone 11 last night so obviously stayed in the pub for closing as he was pissed.

He blurted out a question about whether I’d consider an open relationship until I’m feeling up to it. When I told him to fuck off he backtracked and said he told ‘them’ it would be a stupid idea and he didn’t mean it. So someone put him up to it.

Thanks for the many supportive comments last night, I am going to go back through and read the past few pages.

You know I suspected that was going to be his next question. Either that or just outright cheating.

I’m so sorry Op but no-one put him up to it, he’s blaming others saying it was a stupid idea but even if a mate suggested it, he could have shot it down instantly.

Instead he sat there and considered “their idea”, clearly thought it was a good option and then asked you about it. This wasn’t a spur of the moment thing. He had all the time from his chat in the pub - or whenever it was supposedly suggested to him - to the moment when he got back to yours to think it over. And he still thought it was a good idea to raise it with you - no one else can be blamed for that. He meant what he said!

I’d be worried about his commitment to staying faithful at this point.

ETA: yes I was the one who asked how shortly after having his first kid did he leave and not surprised at all to hear he left within a year! So a partner having sex quickly after giving birth does not necessarily a lasting relationship make…

Was he a “hands on dad”, I’m assuming he didn’t have full or 50/50 custody of his child at any point?

Original poster
BeccaBoo9 · 10/05/2025 08:44

I can’t quote multiple posts so trying to remember some questions I’ve saw as best I can:

-DC is nearly 5 months
-I do have some friends near but my parents are about an hour away
-DH and ex broke up quite soon after the birth (within a year). It wasn’t a planned child and they were both very young.

OP posts:
SquishyGloopyBum · 10/05/2025 08:44

BeccaBoo9 · 10/05/2025 08:30

He eventually turned up at gone 11 last night so obviously stayed in the pub for closing as he was pissed.

He blurted out a question about whether I’d consider an open relationship until I’m feeling up to it. When I told him to fuck off he backtracked and said he told ‘them’ it would be a stupid idea and he didn’t mean it. So someone put him up to it.

Thanks for the many supportive comments last night, I am going to go back through and read the past few pages.

This proves undoubtably that it was all about sex. It wasn’t about reconnecting as a couple, not about giving you a break. All about sex.

Im not sure where you go from here.

you are in the trenches at the moment and so making big decisions should normally be avoided.

what about marriage counselling? He needs to see that this is not ok.

Peaceandquietandacuppa · 10/05/2025 08:43

BeccaBoo9 · 10/05/2025 08:30

He eventually turned up at gone 11 last night so obviously stayed in the pub for closing as he was pissed.

He blurted out a question about whether I’d consider an open relationship until I’m feeling up to it. When I told him to fuck off he backtracked and said he told ‘them’ it would be a stupid idea and he didn’t mean it. So someone put him up to it.

Thanks for the many supportive comments last night, I am going to go back through and read the past few pages.

Yes dear, let’s have an open relationship. Let’s make it so open, that you pack all your shit, get a new house and move out eh? Or better yet move in with mummy!

Fucking idiot! Can’t he just enjoy having a new little baby and supporting its mother in this difficult time?

Going out to the pub all night and chatting to your mates about your wife not “putting out” while having a little 3 month old baby at home is also deeply grim.

LadyBracknellsHandbagg · 10/05/2025 08:41

Dashel · 10/05/2025 08:30

Personally unless you know exactly what your DH said to your MIL, I don’t think you can blame her.

He could have been saying how much you needed a break, how tired you were and would kill for a good night sleep. She may then have offered to babysit and he said oh that would be perfect she would love it, rearranged plans and know nothing about the sexy underwear.

I would be mad at him for sure especially for the skimpy underwear but not so much her. I would give him credit for having it so close to home. He is also probably struggling to adapt and clumsily trying to help but the underwear is 🤦‍♀️🤮😡

Show quote history

Have you read the OP’s latest post? The only thing he’s struggling to adapt to is getting sex when he wants it, he’s absolutely revolting.

LadyBracknellsHandbagg · 10/05/2025 08:39

BeccaBoo9 · 10/05/2025 08:30

He eventually turned up at gone 11 last night so obviously stayed in the pub for closing as he was pissed.

He blurted out a question about whether I’d consider an open relationship until I’m feeling up to it. When I told him to fuck off he backtracked and said he told ‘them’ it would be a stupid idea and he didn’t mean it. So someone put him up to it.

Thanks for the many supportive comments last night, I am going to go back through and read the past few pages.

@ThatDaringEagle Is this him being supportive, and a good husband? Should she agree to this? Will they look back on this in a few years time and laugh? The man is an absolute pig.

Radionowhere · 10/05/2025 08:38

I cannot tell you how much this would have upset me when my kids were tiny. I expect he's now being all self-righteous about the lovely thing he did that you've spoiled. YANBU
Major alarm bells at the open relationship comment. He's not a nice person.

LadyBracknellsHandbagg · 10/05/2025 08:35

BeccaBoo9 · 10/05/2025 08:30

He eventually turned up at gone 11 last night so obviously stayed in the pub for closing as he was pissed.

He blurted out a question about whether I’d consider an open relationship until I’m feeling up to it. When I told him to fuck off he backtracked and said he told ‘them’ it would be a stupid idea and he didn’t mean it. So someone put him up to it.

Thanks for the many supportive comments last night, I am going to go back through and read the past few pages.

I’m absolutely speechless OP, I’m so sorry. It seems you have bigger issues at play with this man, asking you for an ‘open relationship’ is just mind blowing. I would be asking him to leave, he can go and stay with his mother.

I hope you have support IRL, please take care of yourself and prioritise yours and your baby’s needs. This man isn’t worthy of you.

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