DH and MIL blindsided me with weekend away - was I wrong to kick off

I was sort of seeing both sides and could have been persuaded to regard what the husband did as more misguided/ill-judged, but the comment about having an open marriage is not acceptable.

To be blaming "them" for the idea means he has been discussing your personal situation with other people down the pub and was actually giving it consideration and wanted your opinion. From my point of view, this is a huge betrayal of trust and far more upsetting than the previous events. I am not sure whether I, personally, would want to remain in the relationship.

I was very ill for a whole year I'm better now thank goodness but for a while it was touch and go.
My ex husband of 20 years walked out on me after I'd been ill for 6 months, I was in hospital at the time. He said he doesn't go without sex for longer than 6 months no matter what the "excuse". Divorce papers in the post and I never saw him again.
This is exactly the kind of man you are married to OP. A selfish, pathetic narc.
If I ever see my ex again I'll kick him down the road.

OP has said that her MIL was very 'unimpressed' when OP turned up to pick up her baby. OP was obviously upset as she has said that she was 'a mess' but instead of being concerned and sympathetic, her MIL was cross because she was robbed of the opportunity to have the baby overnight.

In a healthy marriage, women aren't forced to have sex that they do not want.

Sex isn't a human right. Lots of men go without sex because they haven't got a partner or simply because no-one wants to have sex with them. A man's 'need' to have sex on a regular basis doesn't trump a woman's right to say no.

This sounds a bit like an incel's manifesto for men who dream of a world where attractive women are compelled to have sex with them.

‘The man is also going through a life changing event and this is a fact about male psychology : they feel loved and connected through sex.’

Thanks for your ‘how to be a Handmaiden’ Ted Talk. She should do this, she should do that, it’s all about what she should do isn’t it?! She grew a baby and gave birth to it, she’s now keeping it alive whilst being hideously sleep deprived, and what’s he doing? Bitching and moaning about the lack of sex, verbally abusing her when she doesn’t acquiesce to his tacky attempts and then suggesting an open marriage, ffs what is wrong with you? You do know men don’t die from lack of sex?!

She turned up out of the blue deliberately not saying a single word to the mother about her plans. Of course she knew the OP didn't know because that is entirely bizarre behaviour. When babysitting an infant for the first time overngight an MIL would always, without exception, talk to or message the mother of the baby and discuss the first ever overnight at least once. Definitely. Inarguable.

The OP also confirms this "It was a jointly planned , no idea who suggested it initially but they were both well on board. If I was to guess, I’d say it was MIL’s."

MIL acted pissed off when the mother decided not to be ordered to spend the night away from her child.

MIL said she booked the hotel.

It's all very clear in the OP's posts that MIL is an interfering bitch.

Maybe a little more context needed. Certainly clumsy of them and I think with a 5 month old a few months without intimacy wouldn’t be the end of the world, however if there’s been no intimacy throughout the whole pregnancy for example and you’ve now not had sex for well over a year then a lot of relationships would probably start to struggle at that point after almost 18 months without intimacy.

FWIW, reading the subsequent posts from the OP, her husband sounds like a total self centred tosser, who has little respect for her, or her feelings.

As to whether he's subsequently suggesting the outlandish & destructive things, such as having an open marriage, out of genuine interest or purely to get a reaction from his wife, I'm not sure. Either way, if he's doing this, it paints him in a lousy light tbh.

P.s. as an aside, I can't fathom the vitriol here for the MIL in this. Maybe I missed something, but AFAIR all she did was give up a night herself to look after her grandchild, while assumedly she thought her son was treating his post partum wife to a well deserved night away!?

I didn't see any insinuation that the child minding MIL had any inkling whatsoever that her son had bought his wife some 'sexy lingerie'. Less that his wife wasn't into a night away, or the underwear, either. Yet about a 1/3 of the posts since, appear to have jumped to this conclusion or similar!?.... curious

Ha,ha, you're a total gaslighter anyway!?

Firstly,

1. I NEVER said that "she should apologise"
2. I NEVER said I was "a great dad"
3. I NEVER said, or ever tried to imply, that I was "an exemplary husband"

Yet in your 8 line post, you fabricate 3 untruths about me and what I posted.

That's impressive, are you related to 'the Donald', or some other, self righteous, fact ignoring fantasist by any chance? Just curious!?🙄

Sounds like something a narcissistic mother and her narc son would do. Not normal. Very sorry but these types don’t get better, only worse

Wow. It was 9 months before I could have sex again after my first, I suppose you think im lucky my husband stayed with me.

Not everyone has the same sexual and/or emotional needs. It’s ok to be low libido and it’s ok to be very sexual. Most men need sex on a regular basis to feel connected and emotionally fulfilled. There is no shame in that.

i have given birth from my vagina 4 times and i have had years of abstinence when i was SINGLE. I don’t have a high sex drive. I would not be a good fit for a hyper sexual man and actually this is the reason my previous relationship ended. We weren’t sexually compatible because he wanted sex every day and it was a source of pain and frustration for him. I set him free to find another woman

i never waited 3 months after birth to have sex and i would find it cruel to deprive my husband of sex for 3 months. Either you want to be in the marriage or you don’t. You don’t get to say now that we have a baby you don’t get any more sex. I have had sex many times when I wasn’t particularly in the mood because a healthy marriage isn’t all about just one person

Awful, absolutely fucking awful!!

Had this been a night away, a spa treatment maybe, a good night sleep plan he may have been trying to be considerate but was just thick.

However That's not how it was , is it! He and his 'mammy' ambushed you and coerced you into going away, regardless of what your wishes were. He THEN bought you a skimpy outfit which has never been your thing and THEN expected sex regardless of what your wishes were!! And you apparently are the bad guy in this.
I'd just ask him at what point was any of this FOR you?

I'm so sorry they're arseholes x

The mother’s involvement was to be a trusted childcare while they have a getaway. It doesn’t mean anything inappropriate. She simply was trying to help them get alone time which many people would appreciate

i totally sympathies.e with hormonal issues (having experienced major fluctuations and a thyroid issue)

It is not blaming or sexist to suggest she get her hormones checked and balanced, address whatever needs she is not getting met that cause her to feel so little desire for her man, get her thyroid checked (this can be very serious) and acknowledge that her partners needs may also be valid

I have given birth 4 times. I get it. I never waited 3 months to have sex. My partner pressured me to have sex only 3 weeks after my last birth. I totally understand the resentment because even 3 months you are sleep deprived, etc

In fairness she may have a serious hormonal issue and ought to get her thyroid checked asap

Sex is very important to relationship otherwise they are room mates. Just because it’s not important to some doesn’t invalidate other people’s emotional needs.

The man is also going through a life changing event and this is a fact about male psychology : they feel loved and connected through sex.

Even most women would feel depressed and low self worth if their partner stopped wanting sex for 3 months. It would be incredibly humiliating and frustrating.

I think you’re a man because you show almost no empathy for the woman in this scenario. You are playing the blame game and holding her solely responsible for his frustration at the lack of intimacy.
You also seem wholly unperturbed by his mother’s involvement in all of this, as though that’s normal. It isn’t.

The OP isn’t some abstract concept, she’s a new mother and is experiencing just how gruelling that can be. She also has a dickhead of a husband and an inappropriately involved MIL. There’s nothing wrong with her, she doesn’t need counselling, she just needs to lose about 85kg of useless husband.

Are you a man 'Isabellivi', because most women who've had babies sure as hell wouldn't say the sort of stuff you're prattling on about!

Or the partner is a self centred shit who thinks only about himself and not about the woman’s feelings and needs. Lets face it - someone who is such a self absorbed dick in one area is very likely to be the same in another which may be why the OP feels lacking in confidence about her body.

I’ve said before - the number one aphrodisiac for a new or recent mother is a couple of nights decent sleep and a partner who picks up a proper share of the load and is willing to approach intimacy without the expectation of PiV sex straight away.
I don’t believe for one moment that a man who orchestrates a night away from the baby designed entirely with his own pleasure and fantasies in mind is that considerate. Such men rarely make good lovers either.

Yes maybe it was dramatic and I'm not given to drama usually, actually I can be very detached, but let me explain.

I'm in my sixties and happily with a partner for nearly thirty years, but the OP's post took me back a bit, triggered me I suppose. I just thought about the times when I have been vulnerable, embarrassed about my weight, too tired to feel sexy after childbirth. When I've felt pressurised into doing something that I wasn't comfortable with for fear of upsetting the other person, and I just felt sad. Sad for the OP and sad for my younger self.

And I did say that I could cry, not that I was crying.

But after several months that suggests there is something wrong either with the relationship

Hmm I wonder what that could be? Someone who pressures a woman into sex and wearing clothes for his benefit only maybe?
How could this be addressed I wonder? Calling her names after she didn't want it and coming back from the pub implying all the lads had been discussing it and suggesting he shag other people. Yeah that should help.

This repetition of "he meant well" is riding roughshod over the many things that OP had stated she did not want.

Whether a woman wants sex post baby depends on many things _ ths extent of her birth injuries, how much sleep she's getting, how long her hormones take to balance out and how supported and loved she feels by the babies DF. Sadly in this case the Op doesn't feel ready for sex or to leave her DC yet and that would be fine if her DH would listen to her, he's not listening and trying to force both issues together is the worst thing he could have done. Asking your wife if you can shag around until she gets her sex drive back is a one way ticket to the divorce courts. What would happen if the Op had an accident or illness that mean sex was off the menu for years, does that mean his marriage vows are null and void?
Your,DH has the emotional intelligence and committment of a seaslug Op, I'd trade him in for a goldfish if I were you

So instead of OP's DH discussing this reluctance to have sex in a reasonable and sympathetic manner, he thought it was a good idea to blindside her with the fait accompli of a night away from her baby and the gift of a tacky erotic outfit two sizes too small?

It was a purely selfish act on his part with no consideration for what OP would like. He then got drunk and said that as she didn't want sex yet, could they open the marriage so that he could sleep with someone else. What a prince among men he is! That would really help OP's post-natal depression if that is what she has got.

But after several months that suggests there is something wrong either with the relationship or the OP i.e. post natal depression, some physical problem caused by childbirth. But then I like sex.

I am not. And I think a marriage without sex is dysfunctional. OP - and DH - need help. Probably a surprise week-end was not wise. Counselling and also possibly a physcial problem?
Why do you think I am a man btw? I am a GC feminist and I don't see women as support people for men.