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Original poster

DH and MIL blindsided me with weekend away - was I wrong to kick off

338 replies

BeccaBoo9 · 09/05/2025 20:47

I gave birth a few months ago (first time Mum) and have found it extremely challenging but rewarding too. It has strained mine and DH’s relationship slightly in terms of the sleepless nights but we expected that and no one has crossed the line in terms of comments.

There has been little to no intimacy since the birth mainly due to me, DH is still up for it but I’ve told him I need some time to build up my confidence again.

One thing I’ve always been clear on to DH is that I don’t feel ready to leave our DC with someone else overnight yet.

Last Saturday, his MIL turned up at ours out of the blue. She told me she’d booked DH and I a night away at a country hotel and that she’d look after our DC. She said it was only a 30 minute drive so we were still relatively close by.

I really didn’t want to go but felt awkward to decline and pressurised into going. We packed and set off, I told DH I felt uncomfortable and that if I didn’t feel up to staying after the meal, I’d want to go home without staying.

When we checked in, DH told me he had got me a present and had a bag behind his back. In this was a skimpy outfit and he said it was for me to wear that night. Now he knows that has never been my thing and the outfit in question was at least a size too small, there’s no way I’d have got in to it (irrelevant as I didn’t feel comfortable).

Anyway, we ended up coming home after the meal as I was a mess and my MIL looked extremely unimpressed when we turned up.

We’ve had several rows about it this week, I’ve really had a go at him for going behind my back and doing this. He called me an ungrateful cow earlier and stormed out so I don’t have a clue where he is now (the pub, probably)

OP posts:
doodleschnoodle · 09/05/2025 22:16

Ah another sex pest husband and over-involved MIL thread. Tell them both to piss off.

Littlejellyuk · 09/05/2025 22:14

BeccaBoo9 · 09/05/2025 20:47

I gave birth a few months ago (first time Mum) and have found it extremely challenging but rewarding too. It has strained mine and DH’s relationship slightly in terms of the sleepless nights but we expected that and no one has crossed the line in terms of comments.

There has been little to no intimacy since the birth mainly due to me, DH is still up for it but I’ve told him I need some time to build up my confidence again.

One thing I’ve always been clear on to DH is that I don’t feel ready to leave our DC with someone else overnight yet.

Last Saturday, his MIL turned up at ours out of the blue. She told me she’d booked DH and I a night away at a country hotel and that she’d look after our DC. She said it was only a 30 minute drive so we were still relatively close by.

I really didn’t want to go but felt awkward to decline and pressurised into going. We packed and set off, I told DH I felt uncomfortable and that if I didn’t feel up to staying after the meal, I’d want to go home without staying.

When we checked in, DH told me he had got me a present and had a bag behind his back. In this was a skimpy outfit and he said it was for me to wear that night. Now he knows that has never been my thing and the outfit in question was at least a size too small, there’s no way I’d have got in to it (irrelevant as I didn’t feel comfortable).

Anyway, we ended up coming home after the meal as I was a mess and my MIL looked extremely unimpressed when we turned up.

We’ve had several rows about it this week, I’ve really had a go at him for going behind my back and doing this. He called me an ungrateful cow earlier and stormed out so I don’t have a clue where he is now (the pub, probably)

I have just rtft and here's my take on this.
Can anyone remember the episode in the Simpsons, where Homer gifts Marge a bowling ball, and it was actually for him? 🎳
He was that selfish, and he didn't buy her something that she would actually like? It was all self serving?
Well this set up REEKS OF THAT!!! YOUR HUBBY IS AN ABSOLUTE TWAT 💯
I'm so sorry, but i have never swore to myself so much on a Friday night, and MY BLOOD BOILS reading this. You poor woman!

Two separate issues at play here:

  1. Intimacy, as you need time to build up confidence.
  2. Don't feel ready to leave DC with someone overnight yet.

So, in terms of intimacy, I read:
I gave birth a few months ago (first time Mum)

There has been little to no intimacy since the birth mainly due to me, DH is still up for it but I’ve told him I need some time to build up my confidence again.

When we checked in, DH told me he had got me a present and had a bag behind his back. In this was a skimpy outfit and he said it was for me to wear that night. Now he knows that has never been my thing

Then in terms of leaving the baby overnight:
One thing I’ve always been clear on to DH is that I don’t feel ready to leave our DC with someone else overnight yet.

Last Saturday, his MIL turned up at ours out of the blue. She told me she’d booked DH and I a night away at a country hotel and that she’d look after our DC. I really didn’t want to go but felt awkward to decline and pressurised into going.

Anyway, we ended up coming home after the meal as I was a mess and my MIL looked extremely unimpressed when we turned up.

Then the result was:
I’ve really had a go at him for going behind my back and doing this. He called me an ungrateful cow earlier and stormed out

He has basically gone behind your back and confided in his mum, about your lack of sex life. Ick, ick, ick!
Then both he and your MIL have arranged for her to 'surprise you' with a break away.
Then he gives you an outfit that he likes, but under normal circumstances (pre-pregnancy) you would not of worn anyway.

So you are PRESSURED TO LEAVE YOUR BABY and she benefits by having her grandchild overnight. 😫
Next up he tries it on with the slag-wear, and gets rebuffed, and you are supposed to be grateful that all of this has been done for your benefit? 🤢

NOPE.
YANBU.
PAIR OF VILE TWATS 💯
You were not blind sided, but bloody steam rollered by a pair of selfish bricks.
DO NOT let them talk their way out of this shite by saying it was all for you, like they're some altruistic angels. NOPE!
She wanted to play house.
He wanted to get his end away.
Wankers.

Original poster
BeccaBoo9 · 09/05/2025 22:14

PinkBobby · 09/05/2025 22:04

I’m so sorry you’ve had to deal with that situation, OP. No one gets to decide when you’re ready to leave your baby except you. A meal could’ve been a really nice gesture to reconnect (EMOTIONALLY) if you were ready but the surprise overnight stay and the stupid outfit show that your husband is not at all aware of what almost every woman wants post partum: to be listened to and supported.

If I were you, I’d let your husband know that this was an absolutely massive f up and he needs to do some serious thinking about how to actually support and connect with you post partum. He can act like it was a nice treat for you but you specifically said that wasn’t something you wanted to do. It was a totally selfish act (and just bizarre that it was plotted with his mum).

Of course you aren’t the problem: I know it’s hard not to question yourself, especially when you’re just weeks into being a new mum but you know what you want/what feels right for you and that’s what you need to follow right now. Prioritise your mental health. I know it might not feel like it so soon after having your baby but becoming a mum can be so empowering. Don’t let him make you feel bad/upset. He messed up. Calmly and directly tell him that you can tell him plenty of ways he could really show you he loves you whilst you are navigating one of the hardest transitions in life instead of a night away. Say that when you’re ready to leave your DC, you’ll let him know and he should assume until then that any plans will be for the three of you. And if he is missing you (which is very possible and something to think about- I know dads can feel a little third wheel-ish early on), you are happy to figure how you can do that and both feel happy and relaxed. It’s his first time being a dad too (as far as I can tell from your post) so I know it’s a massive fail but don’t lose all hope just yet - fingers crossed he soon figures out that having a baby changes things, at least for a while, and it’s not all about him.

He has an older child from a previous relationship when he was quite young. He tells me how their sex life resumed almost immediately to which I replied that’s great but I’m not a young 20 something who had a straight forward birth.

OP posts:
AthWat · 09/05/2025 22:14

Surprises are a pain in the arse at the best of times, but this is fucking ridiculous.

MrsKeats · 09/05/2025 22:13

Knittedfairies2 · 09/05/2025 20:48

Your husband and his mother are idiots.

First post nails it. What has your husband been saying to your mil op?
So gross.

Namerchangee · 09/05/2025 22:08

Urgh. I hate this for you OP. Being trussed up like a turkey when you just want to be home in comfort with your baby. Your DH and his Mum are grim. They should be apologising to you.

2catsandhappy · 09/05/2025 22:05

Oh dear God.
What a knob.
You will leave your baby, when you are ready to.
You will have a night away when you feel ready to.
You will wear something you feel great in, when you are ready to.

Utter utter knob.

PinkBobby · 09/05/2025 22:04

I’m so sorry you’ve had to deal with that situation, OP. No one gets to decide when you’re ready to leave your baby except you. A meal could’ve been a really nice gesture to reconnect (EMOTIONALLY) if you were ready but the surprise overnight stay and the stupid outfit show that your husband is not at all aware of what almost every woman wants post partum: to be listened to and supported.

If I were you, I’d let your husband know that this was an absolutely massive f up and he needs to do some serious thinking about how to actually support and connect with you post partum. He can act like it was a nice treat for you but you specifically said that wasn’t something you wanted to do. It was a totally selfish act (and just bizarre that it was plotted with his mum).

Of course you aren’t the problem: I know it’s hard not to question yourself, especially when you’re just weeks into being a new mum but you know what you want/what feels right for you and that’s what you need to follow right now. Prioritise your mental health. I know it might not feel like it so soon after having your baby but becoming a mum can be so empowering. Don’t let him make you feel bad/upset. He messed up. Calmly and directly tell him that you can tell him plenty of ways he could really show you he loves you whilst you are navigating one of the hardest transitions in life instead of a night away. Say that when you’re ready to leave your DC, you’ll let him know and he should assume until then that any plans will be for the three of you. And if he is missing you (which is very possible and something to think about- I know dads can feel a little third wheel-ish early on), you are happy to figure how you can do that and both feel happy and relaxed. It’s his first time being a dad too (as far as I can tell from your post) so I know it’s a massive fail but don’t lose all hope just yet - fingers crossed he soon figures out that having a baby changes things, at least for a while, and it’s not all about him.

Sassybooklover · 09/05/2025 22:03

OMG! If your husband had said, 'Mum has come over to babysit for a couple of hours, so we can go to a nice restaurant on our own', I'd have thought 'Aww that's thoughtful, a break and some couple time'. Instead your husband ropes his Mum into organising a night away, not for your benefit, but so he could have sex!! To then add insult to injury, he buys you some lingerie that's too small, whilst knowing your body confidence has been knocked. Jesus! How clueless and stupid can two people honestly be??? You have every right to be bloody livid. Both knew you weren't keen on leaving your baby, but decided you shouldn't have a choice. It's very very normal for a woman who's recently given birth, not wanting to leave their baby. It's hormones and our inbuilt maternal instinct, that wants to protect and have baby close. It shouldn't be this difficult for someone to understand. You need to speak to your husband, when you're both calmer. Tell him exactly what you need from him and what you feel.

thepariscrimefiles · 09/05/2025 22:02

Your DH sound absolutely horrible for calling you an ungrateful cow. As for your MIL, the fact that she colluded with her son to arrange this utter shit show of a 'treat' so that she could have your baby for the night and your DH could have sex makes me feel nauseous so god knows how you are feeling.

MoominMai · 09/05/2025 22:01

So essentially he staged a sort of intervention and jumped OP with the help of his mother making it impossible to turn it down which he did because he knew she didn’t want to be away from baby yet. OP uses her voice and tells him she’s unhappy and wants to go back after meal but even though she’s clearly distressed he still wants to ‘gift’ her an outfit for the night so telling her he expects sex. It turned my stomach so much reading this. So sorry OP you have such an unsympathetic DH when you’re feeling so vulnerable ♥️

Inbloom123 · 09/05/2025 22:01

They both behaved like complete idiots. Your husband is awful for calling you a cow. Completely unacceptable!

MyLittleNest · 09/05/2025 21:59

This is grossly insensitive and disrespectful of your DH. He isn't hearing your expressed wishes or feelings, or at least, he doesn't want to listen.

Your MIL's role in all of this is a little less straight-forward to me, but just as wrong as she went along with blindsiding you. Contrary to the story your husband may try to spin, this was not a surprise or a treat for you--this was ALL about him and HIS needs.

The fact that we were on it together is really hurtful. How much behind the scenes planning went into this conspiracy? It's downright creepy.

I'd keep some distance from MIL for a good while. As for your husband--I'd never have another child with him.

WonderingWanda · 09/05/2025 21:59

As soon as I read your first 6 words I knew you were most definitely not being unreasonable op. I don't know what to suggest because your dh has been a total idiot. The whole night away and skimpy outfit suggest this was entirely for his benefit. I sincerely hope he sees sense and apologises soon.

OrangeQualityStreetAreTheBest · 09/05/2025 21:59

Under the guise of treating you to a nice surprise.
This was a treat for him, with absolutely no thought or care on whether it was what you would like or be comfortable with.

Attempting to rush you back into something you're not comfortable with yet is only going to push you in the other direction.

Iudncuewbccgrcb · 09/05/2025 21:59

I had a similiar situation with my second child in which DH still feels like the wronged party.

He got me an Spa voucher for my birthday when my second very clingy EBF (not through choice - just wouldn't take a bottle) baby was 3 months old and I had two children under two. I didn't outright say 'are you bloody mad', but perhaps wasn't as gushing in how brilliant he was as perhaps he was expecting.

The voucher went unused for 12 months DC2 breastfed until 19 months old and literally refused to eat until I got back from work and I found leaving them any time I didn't have to very stressful.

He had a massive go about how ungrateful I was so I ended up using it a few days before it expired feeling really rubbish as I had lopsided boobs, felt horribly overweight and would rather have spent any available alone time getting my hair cut for the first time in months.

He still thinks I'm a massive twat for being ungrateful about it and hasn't bought me any birthday or Christmas presents since because I 'don't appreciate them' anyway.

Yeah I know - I'm leaving when I can. My ducks are swimming into their rows.

It's not about the initial thoughtlessness (which can be forgivable) it's the blame on you after for their thoughtlessness that's unacceptable.

VirgosNeedGoals · 09/05/2025 21:58

I think a lot of women are overly precious on here but this really is awful

TheMVPSTurningmyheartbeatup · 09/05/2025 21:55

Well done op on taking a stance to be railroaded in the manner you were is akin to coercion.

Peanutlicious · 09/05/2025 21:53

This is awful. I'd actually be on the lookout for future gaslighting in your relationship as his behaviour was disrespectful and misguided at best and controlling and coercive at worst. The fact he tried to gaslight you into thinking it was a treat and that the sexy outfit was a present for you is really manipulative behaviour. It's actually made me feel deeply unconformable. I really hope you're ok OP and have some good-quality support from people who will love and cherish you properly, particularly during such a challenging and vulnerable time.

ANiceBigCupOfTea · 09/05/2025 21:51

They are both absolute idiots.
Good on you for standing your ground. Your husband actually sounds like such an arsehole. I dont even know you and I'm so angry for you

TheOnlyAletheia · 09/05/2025 21:51

God, that’s grim. You poor thing

YYYDlilah · 09/05/2025 21:51

HollyBerryz · 09/05/2025 21:04

Are you the same poster whose dh got their mum to take them shopping and tried to make them buy sexy underwear?

My thought too.

Congratulations @BeccaBoo9 . You are married to a mummy's boy who discusses his sex life with his mum.

categorychaos · 09/05/2025 21:49

I really am doubtful that this happened. No woman who has been through childbirth (as I assume your MIL has) would act like this

Original poster
BeccaBoo9 · 09/05/2025 21:48

blackgreenandgrey · 09/05/2025 21:38

yuk! glad you came home. Hope your DH comes to his senses and sorts his mum out too. Do you know whose brain child this whole idea was? what where they thinking? Esp DH?

It was a jointly planned , no idea who suggested it initially but they were both well on board. If I was to guess, I’d say it was MIL’s.

OP posts:
MamaLenny · 09/05/2025 21:48

I would show him what you've written and all the reactions from other women on this thread op, to help him understand where he went (monumentally) wrong. Sorry that happened to you.