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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think this wouldn’t have been said to a man?

41 replies

Tulelpg · 09/05/2025 20:34

Or am I being unfair?

Work meeting with senior manager regarding a client. Towards the end of the meeting he asked how I was finding being back from maternity leave (been back around 10 weeks). I said all was going well, and hopefully he thought the same, to which he said ‘no issues but it would I be good to see some personality.’

I didn’t know what to say as I’ve always been very sociable at work but maybe I’m not as fun as I was before having a child. I can’t stop feeling like it wouldn’t have been said to a man though. AIBU?

OP posts:
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ruethewhirl · 10/05/2025 19:36

rwalker · 10/05/2025 10:01

I don’t get why it’s inappropriate or ridiculous
when dealing with clients it’s important to build a rapport with them

basic customer service skills are all out engagement, expressions ,tone ,mannerisms and body language

so I’d presume being told to bring some personality into it is a polite way of saying liven it up

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Unless they work at a funfair why should people be expected to ‘liven up’ the way they do their job?

BurntBroccoli · 10/05/2025 16:53

Urgh! Everyone has to be an extrovert at work these days.

CurlewKate · 10/05/2025 16:48

It’s always fun in circumstances like this to hear people reaching for reasons why things aren’t sexist!

Calmdownpeople · 10/05/2025 16:12

Well no it wouldn’t be said to a man because men don’t return from maternity leave.

He probably thought he was being funny, up to you to put him in his place. Nothing to do with being a man or woman.

LoveTKO · 10/05/2025 16:09

It possibly wouldn’t have been said to a man. But let’s face it, it’s the women who are mostly affected physically and emotionally from child rearing so he’s possibly not wrong if you have changed. Not saying you have. Men are far less affected and do tick along just the same as before.

WhiteCloudd · 10/05/2025 16:07

Is what he’s saying “I have nothing in common with you”?

Either way it’s a dick comment.

Swiftie1878 · 10/05/2025 16:00

Tulelpg · 10/05/2025 05:17

Thanks, it felt like I needed to perform in some way for him. I did ask at the tune what he meant and he just repeated it in a slightly different way, saying he just couldn’t see any personality.

Tbh, I think it’s a legitimate constructive criticism, and I can imagine it being said to a man too. If it’s true!!

aspidernamedfluffy · 10/05/2025 15:59

‘no issues but it would I be good to see some personality.’
"I'm just following your example Jeff", would have been my reply.

Debbie0045 · 10/05/2025 15:50

Things like this are never said to men. I had something similar said to me in relation to me applying for a different role where they were concerned how the pressure would impact me as I was just back from maternity leave.

My partner who was interviewing also at the time was never once asked how his childcare responsibilities might impact on his job.

He has never received a comment about how his family life impacts on his role.

You are not being unreasonable. Its a disgrace.

Comtesse · 10/05/2025 15:36

rwalker · 10/05/2025 11:50

and the alternative would be to be factual and say you look unenthusiastic and sound monotone which I doubt would of gone down any better

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Yes but that would be descriptive at least!

The current framing is undermining without any of the upside of direct-but-could-help feedback…

Barney16 · 10/05/2025 15:33

Rude twat. Ignore him.

TheIceBear · 10/05/2025 14:49

@rwalker how do you know the op sounded monotone

rwalker · 10/05/2025 11:50

TheIceBear · 10/05/2025 10:46

It’s vague and insulting feedback and not constructive

Show quote history

and the alternative would be to be factual and say you look unenthusiastic and sound monotone which I doubt would of gone down any better

TheIceBear · 10/05/2025 10:46

rwalker · 10/05/2025 10:01

I don’t get why it’s inappropriate or ridiculous
when dealing with clients it’s important to build a rapport with them

basic customer service skills are all out engagement, expressions ,tone ,mannerisms and body language

so I’d presume being told to bring some personality into it is a polite way of saying liven it up

Show quote history

It’s vague and insulting feedback and not constructive

EBearhug · 10/05/2025 10:43

I have had to have discussions with my manager about aspects of behaviour, when for a male colleague, we were told, that's the way he is, you have to accept it. Right...

EBearhug · 10/05/2025 10:19

It's not helpful feedback. It's not specific. You could show your personality by being rude and obnoxious...

SwanOfThoseThings · 10/05/2025 10:15

"Fuck off, Bob. Does that show enough personality for you?"

rwalker · 10/05/2025 10:01

TheIceBear · 10/05/2025 07:29

I think this is unlikely to be said to a man or a woman. It’s so inappropriate and ridiculous

I don’t get why it’s inappropriate or ridiculous
when dealing with clients it’s important to build a rapport with them

basic customer service skills are all out engagement, expressions ,tone ,mannerisms and body language

so I’d presume being told to bring some personality into it is a polite way of saying liven it up

TheIceBear · 10/05/2025 07:29

I think this is unlikely to be said to a man or a woman. It’s so inappropriate and ridiculous

rwalker · 10/05/2025 06:57

Just sounds like normal feedback about engagement and presentation skills when dealing and presenting to a client

Kneenightmare · 10/05/2025 06:55

MiloMinderbinder925 · 09/05/2025 20:39

"I'd love to see you lead by example Bob."

Nailed it. Love this response.

gannett · 10/05/2025 06:41

I think client-facing work always has this danger built into it. You say you're not as fun as before... I'm guessing you have less time and energy for client drinks that stretch on into the evening, going along with whatever spontaneous fun the client thinks of, less energy to laugh at their bad jokes?

There's an element of sexism because in the corporate world the clients you have to please are frequently boring middle-aged men who like to drink. I used to work in a company with a client-facing section (I wasn't in it, thank god) and the new young female employees there struggled with similar criticism. But so did one guy who didn't feel comfortable in that hard-drinking, very laddish scene and he got pulled up for it too (and basically changed his entire career because of it).

CurlewKate · 10/05/2025 06:00

Walkden · 10/05/2025 05:31

Curious why you think it wouldn't be said to a man.

Men are often very forthright with each other except in situations which have risk of physical escalation which there isn't here...

Depends on the job, I suppose. Butlin’s Redcoat? Yep-would be said to a man or a woman. Data Analyst? Less so.

Rabidbunnyrabbit · 10/05/2025 05:59

What @LouiseMadetheBestBroccoliPasta said.

Traumatise them back.
One time I replied, "my favourite auntie died last night". Should have seen his face! The fact that it was true took any satisfaction out of it though.

Try it. Imagine the worst thing and blurt it out. Doubtful if they would learn their lesson but you don't know if you don't try.

OP.
I can see why you are aggravated with him. That was a rather personal comment. I'd find it difficult to say if it did come from a sexist place but the mentioning of maternity leave first seems a touch suspect. I think it was rude and uncalled for, even if it was not pure sexism.

Goingoutofmymind25 · 10/05/2025 05:56

O don't think it was sexist, but what does your boss even mean by see some personality? I would be confused to be honest.

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