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Original poster

To still be grieving not having a third child?

31 replies

Puzzlepeony · 09/05/2025 20:33

Since deciding not to have a third child (after a miscarriage last year), I’ve felt completely lost and a bit purposeless. I’m starting to wonder if this has tipped into depression.

The whole TTC/pregnancy/new baby phase gave me such a strong sense of becoming - something about it brought meaning, drive, direction. And now that chapter’s closed, even though I have two wonderful children and a very full-on parenting job, I feel like I’m grieving. It's not just the child I lost - it's the child I’ll never have.

I’m 35, and looking ahead I just see the teenage years, then an empty nest. I work alone and for myself, so it’s quite isolating. I have friends and supportive family, but still feel like nothing brings real joy. I’ve been trying to ‘get myself back’ - socialising more (though drinking makes me feel anxious and low), looking after my body (even had a tummy tuck after severe diastasis recti and multiple hernias from pregnancy) - but even that left me feeling trapped. Like the surgery closed the door for good. Every time I try something to feel better, it backfires and I feel worse.

DH is supportive but works long hours, commutes, and is asleep when the kids are. We love each other, but I’ve even had moments of questioning monogamy - told him honestly, would never cheat - but I think I’m just constantly searching for something. Meaning? Escape?

There are lots of reasons we’ve decided not to go for a third:

  • DH and I aren’t equally keen (though he’d go along with it if I pushed)
  • I have enough emotional and physical energy for the two I have - I’d be stretched thin with three
  • They’re 2 and 5, and need so much from me already
  • Pregnancy, hair loss, weight gain, no sleep - it all took a toll
  • We could afford it, but it would be tight
  • I worry three would change the dynamic - we’d be outnumbered, the house would be chaos, and the life admin would be endless
  • I was one of three, and someone was always left out
  • What if there were a health issue and the other two lost out?

But the reasons I do want a third feel rooted in fear. Fear that my two won’t be close when they’re older. That they’ll move far away. That I won’t be a grandmother. That I’ll be left behind. I know those aren’t good reasons to have another baby. And I know I can’t use children to plug emotional holes.

The truth is, I don’t really want another child now - not to raise, not to go through it all again. But I can’t shake the sadness, the feeling that something’s missing. I’ve got a therapy appointment soon and I’m considering antidepressants, but I just feel so flat and directionless.

Has anyone else felt like this? How do you get through it? What do you do with the grief when your family is complete but your heart hasn’t caught up?

OP posts:
Didimum · 09/05/2025 20:53

OP, I don’t think a third child would solve any of these feelings. They would only resurface. You owe it to your existing children to work yourself out of this – dedicated therapy and medication.

BakelikeBertha · 09/05/2025 20:51

Having gone through most stages of life now OP, I can only tell you that whatever your hopes for your children, they will likely to do something totally different. If they don't get on, they don't get on, many siblings don't, and having a third one would certainly not have given you any guarantees.

I've passed the age where my kids have flown the nest, and it is hard when it first happens, but the most important thing to do in my opinion, is to look after your relationship with your DH for the whole of your kids lives. That way, when they do move away or go off and do their own thing, you'll still have each other, and won't have grown apart due to you spending all your time focused on the kids, and him spending all his time focused on his job, which so often happens.

As far as feeling low, do please go and get some anti-depressants, there's absolutely nothing wrong with needing a little help from time to time, and you're not doing your kids, yourself, or your DH any favours by feeling low all the time. Far better to pop a pill once a day, and feel able to cope with whatever life throws at you in my opinion.

TheaBrandt1 · 09/05/2025 20:50

Every life stage has to end eventually you need to move on to the next one. Plus they don’t stay babies. When they are 13 and 15 you will be glad.

FairPlayer274 · 09/05/2025 20:47

This is how I felt when I decided to stop at just one. I went and got a tubectomy so I couldn’t have any “accidents” in the heat of ovulation… it’s not really a feeling that goes away, except for during moments when I’m completely overwhelmed with DD. I just try to summon that overwhelm whenever I’m sad about not having more children, and remember the logical reasons for stopping.

hugs, and best of luck

Original poster
Puzzlepeony · 09/05/2025 20:42

Thank you for replying. It’s good to hear that the urge isn’t as strong. What’s it like now - more wistful? Did you go through anything similar to this after you had made your decision?

OP posts:
WittyJadeStork · 09/05/2025 20:37

I won’t be having a third for similar reasons. Mine are 5 and 8. I still would like another but the urge isn’t as strong as it was when they were younger. Plus there are a few mums in my circle who have gone for a third and they are knackered. I’m almost getting my life/body/ sleep back.