To still be grieving not having a third child?

@Puzzlepeony how are you after a few more months time has passed?

I have just had a miscarroage flr what would have been a 3rd child. Its only just happened but am feeling lost emotionally too. Your feelings really resonated with me.

I agree with this.

I don’t think basing your whole personality/ character on being”mum” is healthy - for you or the children.

DH and I also deliberated over having a third for a couple of years. We decided not to in the end but I would say that decision does take some acceptance and getting used to. Just because it was the best decision for us in the end doesn't mean that there isn't a little bit of us disappointed or sad that we aren't going to have a third. Occasionally I have a twinge of sadness about it, but it doesn't rule my life nor do I think we made the wrong decision.

I am a few years on now (DC are 10 and 7). I couldn't quite imagine what this time was going to be like a few years ago, but DC are still fun and I get a lot of joy from them. I was so delighted for DS last week as he got man of the match at football and he's really had to work so hard at it, it's been amazing to see him improve. And he's finally got into Harry Potter so it's been lovely to be able to share reading the books and watching the films together. I'm just giving you these examples to show that there are things to look forward to.

Gradually, I am also starting to get little opportunities for new hobbies and experiences on my own or with DH. A few years ago I had no interest in hobbies, in comparison to the sense of purpose that being a mother gave me. But now small things are starting to pique my interest and I feel like there's a world to explore.

I always decided 2 was enough. Honestly you don’t sound like you want one for the right reasons and I do wonder if you are depressed. Plugging an emotional gap with a new baby is an awful idea and your other two children are so young and need you lots so worrying about empty nest syndrome and not being a GM is in the distant future and may never happen. Get some therapy and or medication and reconsider in a few years time.

October half term is very little time ago, though. The decision won’t have really started to settle yet. There’s nothing wrong with you, you’re just looking at a different reality, having stepped off a particular merry go round.

I've been where you are except the decision to stop at two came after three miscarriages. It took time and some therapy to help me cope with the grief of the miscarriages and the loss of a third I desperately wanted.

As my two have moved onto the primary stage I have come to accept and embrace having two and the advantages of not having that third. There are moments of what ifs but also the realisation that the life we lead and what we can give the two we have would also be different with a third.

It took some time though and life felt meaningless and bleak and I felt I'd failed for a while. But now I'm definitely content and enjoying this stage. Empty nest terrifies me but I'd have that even if we had managed a third.

I think you should sit with the uncomfortable feelings. Too often we panic at negative, complicated, messy emotions and think ‘Oh, something’s wrong! Must solve it!’ It’s ok just to feel them for a bit. You’ll learn stuff about yourself, and what your next steps might be.

It honestly doesn't sound like you really want another child. The reason you're giving for wanting one don't sound rooted in grief or want, but in depression and restlessness. I say that as a parent of four, which took nine pregnancies to achieve.

I'd suggest antidepressants and counselling. You have a two and five year old, that's a hard stage to be in. I don't think you know what you want right now. But you have time to think about it. Get be it a year, maybe two, take some time to work on yourself.
It will become clearer and you'll know.

I felt like you probably when my two were a similar age; on reflection some of it was that I’d spent 10 years with a purpose - career, engagement, marriage, house, child 1 then child 2 and I wa literally like so what now? What’s my purpose now?
ive definitely found though since my youngest started school that im glad i didnt have a third as im really enjoying this stage of parenting and im getting back a bit of my time and my own identity. I started a qualification through work that has given me a bit of a sense of purpose too and I suspect that’s helped

You had a miscarriage, that's a huge loss. Have you had some therapy to deal with that loss? I think it could be that loss that is leading to you feeling you are missing something.
It sounds like you're very anxious about the future to rather than enjoying the here and now. You will grow with your children, every stage brings its own joys and challenges. Their independence is a very gradual process and you will start finding more meaning in other parts of your life as they get older. They will feel like your whole world now because they are so young and so dependent on you but that will gradually change.

I think you still have grief from your miscarriage and maybe this is what is making you feel incomplete 😪 I dont think another baby will fix your grief. Maybe you could make a tiny remembrance for your baby in your garden? Your tummy tuck has brought about feelings of finality, in a now you are "definitely done" having kids sort of way . It's completely normal to feel like this. Hopefully the feelings will pass.

It’s OP interesting because I have a couple of friends who were one of three and they all have a very strong sense of how important three siblings are. They have both struggled with accepting having 2 kids, be it because of fertility issues or practical reasons. Just remember that the family you have created is unique and you do not need to repeat your own childhood in order to have a lovely family with your own children. You can take the best bits of your childhood family and create new and lovely memories with your own DC’s.

I don't mean to sound patronising, but are sure you aren't still mourning the loss of your baby? I've never been in this situation myself, but I can imagine that closing the door on the possibility after a loss must feel like a double loss.

You aren't at all unreasonable - you feel the way you feel and sometimes we can't just rationalise those feelings away, even when they're based on sound decisions. Have you considered some counselling? You sound pretty astute and (sorry to use this phrase but I cant think how else to word it) in touch with your emotional and thought process in that you understand what's behind your fear, but maybe an outside perspective could help you deal with those fears and maybe uncover some other drivers that you could address?

Going against the grain here but I would say don’t live with regret if you can afford it and both of you are in agreement to have another
I absolutely knew I was done with 2 but I definitely didn’t with one although it was against the odds that we could have a second (she was a little miracle after a big gap).

I have 2 children who are adults in their 20/30's. I desperately wanted a third child, so badly my partner and I ended up in couple counselling. It took many years for me to reconcile I would not have a third. Looking back I realise I wanted a third as I lost a baby twenty weeks into a pregnancy. This was followed by a traumatic birth of my son and severe post natal depression.
However, it does not stop me from thinking what may have been🤔. (My partner and I are still together).

Your third-last paragraph sounds like the crux of it. You have plugged emotional holes with childbearing. Now that can no longer be the case, and you’re face to face with your own unadorned, undistracted reality. I think that’s perfectly normal, nothing to panic about, but something to sit with. Therapy would help.