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Original poster

Dh not centre of attention

90 replies

Boredofitall1984 · 09/05/2025 20:13

Dh is gettibg overly frustrated that he is centre of attention all the time. Or rather that he doesn't get enough attention and it's literally draining me

We both work full time. I wfh 2/3 days a week, he's in the office 5 days but finishes at 2pm everyday.

The days I wfh if I don't come and say hello and then bring the laptop out to come and work in the living room with him he moans I don't want to spend time with him (I work until 9am-5pm) as I do school/nursery drop offs.

He moans that when he comes home he has to cook dinner. Again he finishes at 2pm and likes to eat at 530-6 so he usually does dinner. He says I should prep dinner during the day (while working) so all he has to do is turn it on

He moans that I don't do enough housework during the day and he then has to hoover either when he gets home or at the weekend. But then moans about how badly I hoover (ie not up to his impeccable standards) so why should I bother.

He'll moan I work too much (my job is full on so quite consuming) and if I dare to answer a few emails after the kids in bed rather than cuddle up to him or other stuff that I'm prioritising work etc. However he will often have to pop into work at the weekend to pick up paperwork and I'm not allowed to say anything. He also has weeks where he is on call so he cannot do anything so all school pick ups, clubs etc fall to me as he can't leave his phone

For reference I empty the dishwasher every morning, do all the washing (loading machine, emptying, hanging out and putting away) sort all the kids school and nursery admin etc yet I'm the one who apparently doesn't do enough for him

I'm so drained

OP posts:
Mandylovescandy · 09/05/2025 22:27

Boredofitall1984 · 09/05/2025 22:05

I have threatened to go back in the office 5 days a week (prior to Covid I was in 4/5 days a week) and wr can work from the office every day if we want although few people do. When I said that he laughed and said well everything will still be waiting when you get home

I occasionally have to travel with work, not all the time but there are 3 or 4 events a year i go to. when I do I have to leave detailed instructions and itineraries and he has to plan months in advance to go into work an hour late to drop the children off (even though I know his boss has said he can do what he wants and when he took the job he sold it me that it would help me with school runs more etc)

When he has to go away with work (much more frequent, once a month) i get told that it is what it is and to deal with it

I strongly relate to this - even shifting days we do drop off if it is me asking means I have to put it in the calendar and remind him about it (in the right way and at the right time obviously) whereas if it is him all he does is mention it. He doesn't moan particularly about chores but he does think he does the jobs better because his way is clearly the best way to do things. And the chatting when I am WFH - infuriating! Tbf there are other jobs he does (garden, car repairs, DIY) that I don't do I don't think our load is too unbalanced but it is difficult to remain attracted to him with this sense that he thinks he is the most important person in the relationship

MyLittleNest · 09/05/2025 22:27

He sounds needy AF.

He also seems to think your entire purpose is to serve his needs--even when he doesn't exactly need you (like when he's playing games and you reply to an email, or when he wants you to join him on the school run).

I would stop making his lunches immediately. He's a grown adult and can figure it out himself. He's not your child and you're already doing the bulk of the childcare. The fact that he won't even pick up the kids on his own without you also accompanying him (did I even read that correctly???) is his way of refusing to share any responsibility here, but rather, make sure that you are spread as thin as possible. It almost feels like a control thing.

Is there anything he isn't moaning about?

I'd simply tell him that if he is this unhappy, he should leave. Lord knows you'd be better off without him!

Fuckfacetime · 09/05/2025 22:19

‘But if he answers work emails, I'm not allowed to say anything’

is there a cultural reason that this is ok? Sounds like he doesn’t really see you as a person.

put yourself first and doing thing for you. Can you get a cleaner, childcare, anything to reduce the burden on you ?

Nanny0gg · 09/05/2025 22:17

Boredofitall1984 · 09/05/2025 22:06

It won't let me tag for some reason but the piece around the burden on women compared to men is fascinating

Why are you with him?

What is attractive about him?

He's not even likeable

suburberphobe · 09/05/2025 22:17

He sounds like an overgrown needy child.

cordeliavorkosigan · 09/05/2025 22:17

Yes absolutely ridiculous.
Here op, my first ever LTB: You should probably LTB.
This is just no way to live.
You are not the skivvy!

LimitedBrightSpots · 09/05/2025 22:12

MiloMinderbinder925 · 09/05/2025 22:08

When I said that he laughed and said well everything will still be waiting when you get home

What's going on? Why has he gone completely nuts and treating you like a servant?

I know, unbelievable. I would have said "well, it can all get in the bin then, for all I care".

Gyozas · 09/05/2025 22:11

What the actual fuck is wrong with this clown? He’s horrible.

MiloMinderbinder925 · 09/05/2025 22:08

When I said that he laughed and said well everything will still be waiting when you get home

What's going on? Why has he gone completely nuts and treating you like a servant?

Original poster
Boredofitall1984 · 09/05/2025 22:06

It won't let me tag for some reason but the piece around the burden on women compared to men is fascinating

OP posts:
Original poster
Boredofitall1984 · 09/05/2025 22:05

I have threatened to go back in the office 5 days a week (prior to Covid I was in 4/5 days a week) and wr can work from the office every day if we want although few people do. When I said that he laughed and said well everything will still be waiting when you get home

I occasionally have to travel with work, not all the time but there are 3 or 4 events a year i go to. when I do I have to leave detailed instructions and itineraries and he has to plan months in advance to go into work an hour late to drop the children off (even though I know his boss has said he can do what he wants and when he took the job he sold it me that it would help me with school runs more etc)

When he has to go away with work (much more frequent, once a month) i get told that it is what it is and to deal with it

OP posts:
Monvelo · 09/05/2025 21:48

Can you go to the office more often?

KeenDuck · 09/05/2025 21:47

And a god complex from work

KeenDuck · 09/05/2025 21:46

Is he an Indian Doctor? I’m sorry if I’m gonna get in trouble for asking that but he sounds like an Indian Doctor.
The little Prince who’s been raised to be waited on hand and foot

OnlyOneAdda · 09/05/2025 21:44

LTB

FinallyHere · 09/05/2025 21:44

I’ve only read the OP and strongly discourage you from changing what you do because someone moans about it. Imagine what would happen with your children if you let them get away with that.

Dont let him control you like that. It might be tough but it will only get much much worse.

TheHerboriste · 09/05/2025 21:43

Why was he selected as the sperm donor?

TheHerboriste · 09/05/2025 21:43

Why was he selected as the sperm donor?

yeesh · 09/05/2025 21:33

Why the fuck are you wasting your life with this lazy, sexist whinging prick? I couldn’t even look at him

Happyhettie · 09/05/2025 21:28

What a twit (or an alternative vowel can be used). What is it with so many men thinking the job (paid employment I mean) their partner / wife / girlfriend has is “less worthy” than theirs? And that’s before you even think about the domestic chores etc. He’s a moron.

ItGhoul · 09/05/2025 21:27

He sounds like a clingy, controlling, obnoxious, lazy egomaniac prick. Ugh.

Gogo509 · 09/05/2025 21:24

Satisfiedkitty · 09/05/2025 21:14

I had one of these. Note the past tense.

I tried everything to explain it to him, keep him calm, take everything on to stop him moaning and sulking. Had a breakdown. Ended the marriage. One million times happier now.

It's a pattern, I'm afraid, and you can't win unless you put very strong boundaries in place, or just leave him.

Me too, I worked two jobs for years so I could pick the children up from school and make his tea. Then he gave up his job and said he would sit on his arse all day like I did. He's now my ex.

LimitedBrightSpots · 09/05/2025 21:17

He needs to do more of the housework and childcare.

Tell him that he'll know he's doing his fair share when he's glad to sit down and have a few minutes to himself rather than mithering you for attention.

In the meantime, if he moans, hand him a cloth or the hoover and give him something to clean.

Satisfiedkitty · 09/05/2025 21:14

I had one of these. Note the past tense.

I tried everything to explain it to him, keep him calm, take everything on to stop him moaning and sulking. Had a breakdown. Ended the marriage. One million times happier now.

It's a pattern, I'm afraid, and you can't win unless you put very strong boundaries in place, or just leave him.

CremeBruhlee · 09/05/2025 21:08

At my workplace (I manage a large team of mainly women) we don’t want to push ‘back into the office’ but we are having to do training around ‘work hygiene for working from home’ because so many of our employees are citing stress when volume of work has not gone up. When we have investigated this in every case it has been women being expected to take on more responsibility while also expecting to work. The work getting done and productivity is the same but women are juggling childcare, elderly relatives, dogs and more often than not very needy partners and husbands. I tell my husband that my lunch is to eat/stare into space and wind down from a morning at work. It sounds mean but being ‘on’ over lunch does build my stress levels or stops them from coming down. The fact we are having by to give training to empower our staff to assert their boundaries regarding mental health is ridiculous really. We are literally trying to find ways to ‘allow’ women to take time back for themselves that has been eroded since Covid

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