I'm 43 and I can't learn to drive!! Feel useless

I don't know if it is, but I can't really see why not. I coach online, so I know about doing things like this through a camera, and I think it is perfectly possible. It will depend on the individual therapists. As long as you could be completely uninterrupted, I'd certainly hope someone was doing it that way. Best of luck!

In which case, I will suggest a particular type of therapy for overcoming anxiety and fear; Emotional Freedom Techique, or EFT for short. It helps you to confront and dispel your fears. I'm a terrible candidate for therapy etc., really resistant to the idea, but this was how I tackled performance anxiety successfully. It isn't the cheapest, but if it worked it would save you a lot on driving lessons, so you wouldn't be poorer. It seems a bit mad - it is a tapping therapy - but there is a lot of common sense to how it works. With driving you cannot think of everything you do actively - quite a lot has to become fairly automatic, like depressing the clutch for example, or pressing the brake - but when we are anxious or afraid, lots of us seek to control ourselves by thinking about absolutely everything we are doing. If you can be more comfortable with the idea of driving, you will let yourself do some things automatically, or rather with just a moment's thought. And you won't find it so overwhelming. I'm fairly sure from your OP that EFT would be a great help. But I hope you can at least see that you have nothing to be ashamed about.

I'm wondering if you present as "better" at driving than you feel you are, and the instructors haven't pitched the lessons to what you need?

I say this because I had on/off lessons 17-21 then gave up. I tried again when I was 26, I did too well on my first lesson and so my 2nd lesson the instructor decided we'd go up this horrible hill in busy rush hour traffic and it was just a nightmare.

I then got another instructor. I did have the benefit of someone who could take me out in between lessons, which I know isn't an option for you. I failed my 1st test, but something changed in me after that, I just felt I was driving the car and not the other way around. Passed my 2nd test and been driving for 21 years now.

My dad passed his test when he was 56. He'd failed 4 times, my mum passed on her 4th so he stopped lessons as they couldn't afford it.

Is staying with your family and intensive course near them in the summer holidays an option?

OK.... Well, driving is about a couple of things:

1. Actually physically driving a car is about muscle memory. That's about repetition of the actions and practice. Trust your body and let it learn. Can you do another things that involve muscle memory, like typing or riding a bike? You can certainly walk so you body has learnt things.
2. Driving a car on the road is basically about being able to make a series of decisions as you drive. This involves being able to take the information in that is coming at you. Eg, how fast is that car coming, and do I have time to pull out before it gets to me? That child has stepped into the road. Stop! You say that you panic. This is almost certainly getting in the way of your decision making skills. Before I learnt to drive I rode my bike around London and concentrating on not getting killed helped enormously in making sure I didn't panic. I don't know what you can do to bring this under control because I don't know you, but it is something you need to do.

1. Many instructors don't tell you how to judge things like how to get the right distance from the curb when parking, or how many turns of the wheel you need to reverse round a corner. This is partly because you need to use the car you are in as a measure and this varies according to the make of car. But there are guidelines. One of the most helpful for me was when reversing into a parking space - turn the wheel 2.5 times then straighten out! Also how to tell where the white lines in the middle of the road should be in relation to the bonnet.

I was in my 50s before I started to learn to drive, and my neighbour recommended someone older who specialised in teaching older women. Try and get a match if you can. Ideally someone who has been making a living as a driving instructor for some years.

Good luck.

I initially started when I was early 20s and confidence was OK but i had to stop as couldn't afford lessons on my wage.
Over the years I have tried many times with many different instructors and reducing confidence. Some days I'd wake before my lessons and wake in tears because I was so anxious and it was making me ill.

Having the correct instructor is VERY important. When I found my final instructor (who got me through).things seemed much easier to pick up. I finally passed at 36 (passed first time officially). I'm now 53 and I enjoy driving although new places can be a bit stressful (but that's me).

You are a capable woman , you have 2 kids with additional needs that you care for, that's not easy at times. I think you've now built that mental block and I'd suggest asking for recommendations for instructirs who can help but then speak with the instructors and ask how they can help you.

I never thought I'd get there, but I did. Hope it helps to know that other people have struggled and passed. X good luck x

Its actually harder to learn later in life than it is when younger.

I think you really do need to have a way to practise outside lessons. Time behind the wheel really is the thing that helps most.

What are the areas your instructor says you need to improve to take the test?

I've never bullied anyone in my life, but you clearly don't like being faced with an honest view point of your behaviour. If you'd read all of MY posts you would see that I actually congratulated you on the first positive response that you made, which was regarding thanking people for suggesting you ask if your kids can sit in the back while you take lessons. You actually said that you would look into it. That's all I've been asking for, for you to do something positive, rather than all the negativity that you'd displayed up until that point.

I truly hope that you can learn to drive OP, in fact, if you lived close to me, I'd happily take you out myself to get some practice.

That’s a sweeping generalisation. This depends on the individual and how the condition affects them specifically. ADHD can also be comorbid with many other conditions which can add further challenges. That’s like claiming someone with a specific physical disability doesn’t need a wheelchair because you have that condition and you don’t? It doesn’t work that way.

Would your kids sit quietly in the back though ? Or would they distract you?
I’ve got ADHD, I could only manage one hour lessons , two hours would have been too much.

I’ve got ADHD , passed first time, no special instructor. As is my niece , my daughter , you don’t need a special teacher.

Adding on that my instructor wasn't specifically qualified but his 4 kids were all either ASD or ADHD or both, and he taught me the way he taught them, and it finally clicked. He was my 5th instructor, snd the only one I ever gelled with

Haven't read the full thread, but do you have ADHD? If so, you need to find an instructor who is compatible with that/you. Speaking as as a ADHDer who passed 4th round,thans to her instructor

Are you sure you're not causing some of this by being so hard on yourself, OP?

If you're getting really desperate and panicky about it due to the pressure you could be messing yourself up.

Agree that a week's intensive might help.

I think it’s likely to be really hard to learn with an instructor only. I have terrible spacial awareness too, when I am on the road the only way I can tell I’m in my lane is I know the spot where the lane lines line up on the front of my car.

im currently teaching my son to drive and he’s driving everywhere. Even 10 min drive to the shops. I really think it’s a case of driving as much as possible.

WOW!! An actual positive!! SEE you can do it OP!

I am 58. I passed my driving test when I was 50.

I needed to transport children, my DGC, that was my driving force.

I had huge problems. I am left handed and I think dyspraxic. My instructor would always notice when I was going to indicate the wrong way. He actually made a note of it for my test. I do know my left and right, but it’s just one of my quirks.You say you feel ‘thick’, I say
I feel a bit ‘mad’. Handedness was just one of
my problems.

I am actually quite intelligent but spatial and cognitive things like driving, just make me feel a bit ‘mad’.

I credit my instructor 100% for my pass.

Find the right instructor, you can do it! It’s just a skill.

I looked at everyone coming and going in the Tesco car park and I thought if they can do it so can I. I still tell myself that, because I still can’t believe they I can now drive.

Good luck and don't give up!

Sorry OP, but that's sheer B.S! I would totally understand if you weren't so negative about EVERYTHING, but to read your posts, anyone would think the whole world is against you.

I agree with this (but didn’t want to say). Most people who struggle go from manual to automatic not the other way round.

Don’t lose heart if you hate manual, just go back to automatic.

I was doing two hours lessons too.

It helped when I shortened it to 1 hour/1.5 hours but had them more regularly. I found I was at the end of my tether, unable to concentrate and emotionally exhausted/full of shame by the end of the two hours. Then I was full of dread before the start of every lesson too. It was mentally easier to keep going when the lessons were shorter and I was able to concentrate and learn better. I was also under a lot of pressure as I needed to drive to keep my job. Like me, you don’t have the option to give up so just do what you can to alleviate the pressure while you’re learning.

Im also a single mum and it’s such a challenge. If you could find an instructor who will allow your kids in the back then it would be so much easier. Make sure they have a tablet or something to use while you’re in the lesson to minimise distractions.