I'm 43 and I can't learn to drive!! Feel useless

It doesn’t mean you have both, it can be one or the other. It can be extreme anxiety when driving (which I had) but fine as a passenger. Or are you saying you don’t fear driving and are not anxious about it when you have a lesson, it’s just not understanding it in the way you wouldn't understand a complex mathematical equation (ie no nerves just not not computing).

OP if it helps you might be suffering from Amaxophobia (as might I). If you think it does match how you feel maybe you can investigate some help based on that?

I think you need to let go of the beach thing. If you took that out of the equation and the fact you said you won’t need to take your eldest to school, what are you actually left with? How does your youngest get to school now?

If you really want your children to experience the beach then why not book a weekend away and a have a proper overnight break with them? We live a five minute walk from the beach and it really didn’t figure that much in my kids lives, especially once they got to about ten (they hated getting sand everywhere). The only reason they went when they were teens was to hang out with friends and drink.

OP, I’ve read your responses and you’re being abrasive and pessimistic, there’s always a blocker for you.

You've had every type of response, supportive, you can do it, you can’t do it - and to each you have a response which basically says “I can’t drive but I need to”.

You're looking for a magic solution that doesn’t exist. What about your children? Your children will miss out, like lots of kids do in many circumstances. Or you’ll have to pay for expensive taxis. Life isn’t fair and it sucks but what do you expect anyone to say? We can’t pass the test for you. Either keep on and hope for the best or stop and accept the situation.

It's not about being thick. If the part of your brain that does spatial awareness doesn't function properly then you'll potentially be a danger to other road users. You can be very intelligent and still have this problem. It took me until I was 45 to drive, but steering and lane discipline weren't the problem - switching to an automatic immediately sorted me out. If this isn't the case for you then I'm not sure what you do next. Are the kids entitled to transport to school from the council?

@ChangedNameAsEmbarrassed Sadly you might have to accept this. Others can. It might be better to look at taxis.

This might be impossible for you, but I think there are immersive courses where you spend 40 hours altogether learning to drive over a week.

OP I agree there are some things that are out of your control:

• can't magic up childcare
• can't make your kids neurotypical
• can't necessarily get school transport (may be worth fighting for but I know it could be a long slog and not guaranteed, so let's assume you won't have it at least for a while)

But some things are in your control:

• you could seek mental health support - there might be a waiting list or you might have to pay, but it will be worth it. The free CBT that's usually offered can be really good for reframing negative thinking and helping you feel calmer and more positive. Most stuff can be online these days.
• you could speak to GP about anxiety medication (and/or consider whether you are perimenopausal). Loads of people take all sorts of medications and drive!

I would actually prioritise the mental health related things, because we can't tell you whether or not you'll ever be able to drive. Maybe you will, maybe you won't. But I think you could get yourself in a place where you feel kinder to yourself and more able to handle the situation whatever happens.

There is always a way to cope. People cope with all sorts of shit. Lots of people can't drive - e.g. due to disability, or they can't afford to run a car. It sounds like you're stuck feeling so overwhelmed and frustrated that you can't see a way out. You'll find a way but I think you need to get some support for yourself. Single parenting is hard. SEN parenting is hard.

@ChangedNameAsEmbarrassed

I think you might have to adjust your life. My BIL took his test 9 times and failed 9 times. Dsis never had lessons. They actually lived a life where dc were limited in their activities. Or they cadged lifts. Difficult for 5 of them. They lived in a city with a bus at the end of the road into the centre. DC definitely missed out but that was what had to happen once Dsis decided she couldn’t be bothered at all. The money you save on running a car will have to be used on taxis.

Personally I would have hated their life but some people just don’t seem to be able to drive. If you cannot get the hang of steering a car after 20 years, I don’t think you are cut out to drive. I do understand your worry though and it will limit your life and that of dc but you might have to accept that is the case.

Has there been no improvement at all?

Fair enough. I did mention earlier in the thread that it is hard to drive two sen children to and from two different schools each day and is that a realistic goal?

Depends on the children obviously and how far away the schools are and what times etc but when I had to do it temporarily (my dc did both have a taxi and chaperone eventually) it was hard and I spent hours in the car each day back and fore in rush hour and I wouldn’t do it again!

This was across a city and back again to a neighbouring town. Home for two hours max then back in the car for another round trip.

@Nomoreshopping - but they would be there if OP passed her test.

The idea of having your two children in the back of the car during a lesson when you are already having difficulties sounds ridiculous to me. I could never do that with my dc. Would they be silent for an hour? If not they could easily distract you.

I’m an experienced driver and my dc (sen) are a nightmare in the car. Too much potential for messing around/arguing etc.

I posted multiple suggestions from therapy to giving you alternative means of getting around including the suggestion of low wattage vehicles that don’t require a driving licence and could get you to schools and the beach etc as well as something like a cargo bike. I also suggested therapy to get you out of this negative cycle and your answer was that your dc don’t do public transport!!!