I'm 43 and I can't learn to drive!! Feel useless

@ChangedNameAsEmbarrassed Have you seen the cost of buying and running a car? You will be paying a lot for insurance as a novice driver. It’s very very expensive. You will get lots of taxi rides for annual car insurance. Plus dc will have to get used to bus and coach travel or railways. I don’t think you realise how much cars cost to run!

Op you have my sympathy (currently learning myself)

I can't see how you can continue though, 4 hours a week is a lot, plus you've tried on and off for 20 years. It's a lot of money you're throwing away.

Would your children qualify for transport costs? I know you said taxis are expensive what about trains/buses?

But how many times would you be going to the beach? Petrol might be £16 but have you calculated insurance and tax and buying a car. £150 now and again is nothing compared to what you're paying for driving lessons.

Thank you!

@ChangedNameAsEmbarrassed very happy to have a (free, no obligation) chat to see if I can help. I know how frustrating it can be when your mind is determined to prevent you from doing something that everyone else seems to do effortlessly. There's often a reason that block developed in the first place but now it needs to be removed.

Sometimes the most obvious solutions aren’t the first you think about. Excellent idea 👏🏻👏🏻

I think that sounds like a really good idea. Learning in London must be like learning in New York or Tokyo! This is what I would do.

I haven’t read the whole thread, but has anyone suggested hypnotherapy? Might help you to overcome any self-belief or mindset hurdles that might be making it harder than it needs to be?

Have you got one of the mock test programmes? This should help you work out whether you're clicking on them too early, too late or not at all. I lost marks because I clicked on things too early before they became hazards. 😬

Was it hazard perception or the multiple choice?

Have you done your theory? Being confident on the rules of the road makes a big difference

Has anyone suggested you trying to learn where you're wanting to move to? I spent ages trying to learn in London and as there is a lot of aggressive driving i found it really hard. I moved to Norfolk and suddenly it was all a lot easier and I managed to pass after an intense course. Presumably where you want to move you'd have more childcare support for whilst you take the lessons so could potentially do an intensive course before you move there?

There's a lovely poster on here called @eyesopenwideawake who could possibly help you. Maybe DM her.

@wehavea2319 I don’t mean to be dismissing but be careful about doing too much driving without the instructor present. You can get into bad habits and who is with you might not notice. Then you waste time correcting something you’ve “practiced” but in fact it was not what’s required for the test. However of course confidence matters.

I was not quick to learn to drive - had to retake my theory test as I ran out of time (and this was a time when there wasn't a long waiting list) - partly due to crippling anxiety behind the wheel, but also it took me a while to get a sense of when to change speed approaching junctions, entering roundabouts, changing down gears etc.

A few suggestions which may or may not help:

• go into your driving lessons thinking well I accept I'm not natural at this, let's be pleasantly surprised at what I CAN do rather than beating myself as soon as something goes wrong, ie I handled the last two junctions well etc
• if you have the opportunity sit in cars as a passenger and see what they are doing, almost imagine you are in the driver's seat
• nothing wrong with asking the instructor to drive you as a demo for the above from time to time, might feel like a waste of your time but if it helps develop a driving sense in a low anxiety way it will be worth it
• commentary driving, which will help you articulate thought processes relating to driving, both for you to do when driving and for the instructor / person driving when you are passenger. When my husband and I passed our tests we used to chat through what we were doing for the first few months when we entered motorways or junctions - moving from conscious incompetence to conscious competence to not needing to think about it.

Please don’t think you’re thick! My family were all very competent so I thought it’d be a breeze, but it’s actually hard; where else in life do you have to do different things with your limbs all at the same time? Playing the drums (I do that too now). I was lucky to have my boyfriend’s car to practice in and did all the time until I stopped thinking about what I was doing and then it becomes naturally. I can now reverse park with eyes closed.

I haven’t read the full thread but I completely relate.

I’ve been doing lessons in an automatic for nearly 2 years and have just got to the point where I’m ready to book a test. I’ve also had my own car and done A LOT of driving in between lessons- hours and hours every week. I dread to think how many hours driving practice I’ve had if you combine lessons and own driving- probably enough for the average person to have passed their test five times or so.

i also have children with special needs so i do wonder whether there’s some sort of correlation there, I have very strong adhd traits and symptoms of dyspraxia although nothing diagnosed. That said, my instructor teaches plenty of people on the mobility scheme with various disabilities so it IS possible.

Some things I’ve found helpful- narrating everything as you drive “I’m checking my mirror and slowing down as the junction nears, indicator on, not clear so I’ll stop, clear now so check left mirror and turn” sort of thing. May not work for you but makes a marked difference for me.

I would also recommend TikTok and YouTube for loads of helpful videos on everything from parking manoeuvre hacks and videos of your local test centre routes.

Anyone tried Vanera castor oil wraps?

I learnt in my 40’s, you need lots & lots of practice. Is there anyone who would take you out just to let you drive around empty areas at night say? Not exactly lessons just for the practice for free. I was able to get out a lot at night & just drive & I relaxed more & gained confidence. But, once I’d passed, I had to make myself drive every day to keep on gaining confidence & it worked! Best of luck you can do it!

I don’t think it’s at simple as just learn to drive and the anxiety will be gone - I think there is underlying issues. Plus anxiety starting as soon as you make a minor mistake seems to be the problem. I definitely think you may need to speak to someone and possibly take medication.

My advice would be (as someone who is not a natural driver):

• Be really clear with yourself and your instructor on the things you find difficult. You've mentioned mirrors and spatial awareness. For mirrors, is it knowing when you have to look, or actually putting it into practice once you're behind the wheel? For spatial awareness - is it vertical or horizontal or both? What strategies can you both come up with to try and tackle? Not all driving instructors are capable of this, but some are, and that is the instructor you need. There is no one solution for learning to drive - it's about tackling the individual components that you struggle with.

• When your brain stops working and refuses to take in more information, you are overwhelmed and this is the point where you need to stop, or do something different. Switch from driving to manoeuvres or vice versa. Take a 5 minute break. It's not giving up, it's recognising that your brain has processed as much as it can for the time being and it needs a rest. You can try again soon.

The other (really obvious) thing I'll mention is that you are really stressed and that is going to leave you less brain space for things like driving and tackling problems.

I am 43 and finally started driving 3 years ago. Same reason as you pretty much. I did pass my test at 21 after 5 goes. But didn't drive for 20 years more or less. I just had this extreme anxiety over driving. I actually went on sertaline and that has helped a lot. I still can't do motorways but I can do local trips and that's it. Have you done intensive courses? That might help. Lots of practice all at once. It's the doing it that helps not the lessons imo.