I'm 43 and I can't learn to drive!! Feel useless

I'm off to look at those videos now....thanks!

So, I passed my test 20 years ago, 5th attempt with something like 11 minors. I had countless hours of lessons and am not a natural at all.....during one test the examiner had to use his controls twice....I was honestly that bad. Anyway, I moved to London and didn't drive again after passing until last Tuesday (aged 42). I took a refresher lesson on an automatic with a female instructor. I need to drive now for my children's sake. I found automatic a lot better and am just practicing the routes I need to do, absolutely determined now to become a confident driver.

I do totally understand where you are coming from and don't have the answers....but I do find that sitting in the car with my husband and watching him drive/trying to anticipate when he will join the roundabout, pull out at the junction etc helps me to judge my own driving.

Best of luck. And remember it doesn't have to be perfect, just safe.

You're not stupid. It took me ages too and it was only when I really needed it I managed to pass. I still struggle with parking and am an anxious mess going somewhere new. It's just really hard for some of us, we all have different skills and strengths.

I literally created an account just to post this after years of lurking because I can relate to your struggle so much. I finally passed on my 6th try at 40 a few weeks ago having started at 17. One of the things that really helped me in the end was watching hours of YouTube videos, particularly Conquer Driving channel. This guy is better than any instructor I ever had, and I had several!

You're under a lot of pressure and I feel like there's probably a lot of negative chatter in your head while driving about I'm a shit mum, I'm failing my kids. I totally get that. I have two kids also but you're under even more pressure with your situation.

I found that watching YouTube videos allowed me to absorb the details while I wasn't driving which made a real difference to how I was able to process the information (roundabouts were a real terror of mine). You can go slower with it when you are not in a car and under financial and time pressure and trying not crash.

I honestly at many points thought it would never happen for me and I do think in the end the conquer driving youtube videos were a game changer. It's worth a shot. I hope my story gives you a bit of hope that it's possible for you and try not to be so hard on yourself. Advice I struggle to take myself lol, but you are doing your best for your kids. That's not nothing! GOOD LUCK! X

A year is loads of time to sort everything out, but you do need to change your approach if you’re going to make this thing work.

First, focus on getting some more self-awareness about how you learn. This is the most important thing you can do. No instructor, no matter how good, can see the inner workings of our brain. You’re the one who needs to figure this out: what you struggle with, what helps and what does not. Only then can you ask for the right kind of help from an instructor.

Once you’ve had a good think about this, find a new instructor. Ask for recommendations (on local social media groups, from friends or neighbours etc). Check online reviews. When you find one that looks like they might be a good match, talk to them about what you find challenging and what you need to be able to learn. If they respond well (you’re looking for curiosity and willingness to try different things) do a trial lesson. If that goes well, you’re on your way. If it does not, keep looking.

Try taking everything back to the basics at first. Make sure you feel comfortable controlling the car before you start tackling the traffic. Under 17 driving schools are a great idea. So are quiet industrial estates or giant empty car parks. If you need to drive around one of these for 20 hours to feel like you can confidently handle the steering, speed, gears, etc, just do it. Do not rush this part - it will pay off.

Once you’re back in traffic, pick one thing at a time to work on. E.g. for your next lesson, you’ll just be focusing on steering and positioning, or junction approach routines including mirror checks. Your instructor can sort out everything else for you, either by telling you exactly what to do and when, or physically doing it for you. Once you’ve got the hang of this one thing, move on to the next.

And every time you’re out, keep reflecting on what’s working for you and what’s not. If you find something especially challenging, look at videos between lessons to get an idea of different ways to approach it, and discuss it with your instructor to get a better understanding of how it works.

All this might seem like a big step back if you’ve been having lessons for a while. But the fact is, you’ve probably picked up so many unresolved issues along the way that trying to fix them all in one go is just going to end up with you tying yourself in even more knots. Not helpful.

Next, drive the test routes in your area until you’re familiar with the road layouts, usual traffic patterns and such. Do a few mock tests to get structured feedback. Book a test and take it as soon as you’ve got a 50:50 chance of passing (but expect to fail the first time and only treat it as an opportunity to get real life test experience).

Shorter lessons are also a good shout. Again, self-awareness helps. Learn to recognise the length of time your brain can handle in one go (this will get longer as you get more used to driving, but don’t try to do too much too soon). Don’t go over that time because you’ll only overwhelm yourself and feel rubbish afterwards.

And finally, you need to get to grips with the fact that you’ll always make mistakes. Even after you’ve passed. Everybody does, including those with plenty of experience, so you’ll just need to live with that knowledge.

Don't give up!!
I started driving tests in my teens and failed 3 times before giving up.
I then started again in my 20s and failed twice and gave up again.
I tried again in my 30s and failed again.
Eventually I started again in my 40s and passed third time.
Like you I thought I was thick, the more people asked me about it, the more stressed about it I became.
The difference for me was changing my mindset to think it didn't matter if I failed. I was prepared to fail 100 times if it meant I got there eventually.
Another big difference for me was finding a driving instructor I really liked which took a while ( I had some shocking ones, or just ones who didn't get me.)
Finally I took the test in my husbands car and had lots and lots of practice outside of lessons round and about the test route.
You can do it!

That’s a good point, OP must have spent tens of thousands of pounds on lessons, with nothing to show for it.

I am 20 mins from London on the train and there's Uber here, lots of places don't have it unfortunately.

I agree with your other points!

I would be wary of spending £70 on a manual lesson. It’s much much harder. And is unlikely to result in a bigger chance of success. Even if the woman instructor is great. Ofc you are desperate. But be careful not to make rash decisions. Look around and there will be a woman who teaches automatic.

Big roundabouts are terrifying sometimes especially when you are learning to drive but you just need to remember that you can just keep going round if you get in the wrong lane, you can correct yourself. For smaller ones, just remember the rule to give way to the right.

Parallel parking I'm not great at and don't really do it, they won't ask you to do it in a really tight spot on your way so just keep practicing that and as long as you can do it without hitting the curb you'll be fine.

Ask your instructor to keep going over the things you find difficult, so go on roundabouts 10 times a lesson if you need to until you are somewhat confident. As long as you can brake, not hit the curb or sway to the other side you are already driving.

Wow having 4 lessons per week for a year plus 19 years prior to that - you spent an absolute FORTUNE on driving lessons. It's way cheaper to get ubers everywhere. Where do you live that uber is not available? I was recently in the most rural of places in France in the middle of the night and could still get an uber.

You need to stop this madness and just get taxis when you need them. It's honestly not that much more expensive than running a car/parking tickets etc.

If you can't learn to drive in an automatic in 20 years where literally the only things to worry about are steering and braking then it's not worth throwing away money on lessons.

Oh I hear you. I have ADHD and autism. I think it's the ADHD, but I have also been trying to learn to drive since 17, had many many lessons over 20 years and never felt I "got it". I think for me it's an attention issue. It's so stressful seeing young people passing easily, and feeling as a generally capable person this shouldn't be a problem - but it bloody is!!! I don't really know the answer. I'm going to try ADHD medication soon and see if improves matters. But you are not alone!

OP, Did you fail the hazard perception part of the theory test because you clicked too often and it wiped out all of your points?
Or because you can't detect potential hazards developing?
What feedback have you had from the driving instructors you have had?
What are they saying you need to practice or focus on?

I appreciate having your children in the car during a lesson would alleviate the need for childcare, but are you sure it wouldn't cause you even more stress and worry?
Carrying passengers is an added responsibility that may weigh heavily on your mind and concentration whilst you are on your lesson.

There's a strategy to hazard perception tests

Sometimes when you see a hazard it's "too early" for the test to register it, so you need to try and click 2 or 3 times with a couple of seconds between.

Do let us know how you get on with @Eyesopenwideawake
All the best

Glad to help. Please ping me a DM and we can set it up.

Have you tried taking Bachs Rescue Remedy before lessons? It might help as it helps keep you calm. Being calm will help you drive better. It sounds as if you are panicking a lot during your lessons and no one can drive if they are panicking.

Other thing that helped me was getting a Lego car which you could steer (Technix or similar). I used to practise reversing and parallel parking with it on a carpet with a square pattern. (You could mock similar up with boxes etc or large sheet of paper that you draw lines/squares on, or even buy one of those playmats for kids with roads etc marked). Learning how to manoeuvre a toy car really helped me, honestly, as before that I could not work out how the steering wheel worked with the wheels on a real car.