I'm 43 and I can't learn to drive!! Feel useless

Did you go on to be a confident driver? I ask as I’m not and would love some success stories!

Cant you get an automatic licence to start with. Its much easier. Dsis has an automatic licence after failing her test more than 20 times.
I always take beta blockers before any test. Its the only way I can shut my nerves up. Im fine actually driving and motobiking (I have a dual licence) its just test nerves that get me.

It took me about 4 years of weekly or fortnightly lessons to master driving. I passed on my fourth test and still got the bay park wrong. I think he passed me because he’d seen me do it in another test. I used to be in tears regularly but I did manage it. Once I became consistent with my lessons I did it

My best friend said the same. She has ADHD and dyspraxia and just couldn’t click with driving. She passed in an automatic this year! Took her a year or so of double lessons (it takes her longer to get into the swing of it) and, don’t get me wrong, she’s never going to win awards for her dodgy parking, but she drives and is safe.

Much of it is confidence. I failed twice myself and one thing my final instructor did was to get me to practice using a frisbee in the passenger seat or even on the couch in front of a driving video. To make the wheel movements more muscle memory.

I’m interested in knowing too being an anxious driver myself

Yes another one here wondering how OP has got on 1 year later. You feeling more more confident now OP?

Hi OP. I know this is old but did you pass in the end?

My instructor told me (when I was despairing that I had a degree and post grad qualifications, but could not master driving when other ppl who I knew weren’t very bright found it really easy) that in her experience, ppl with high intelligence like doctors etc found it the most challenging bc they tended to overthink it. She was probably just trying to be kind, but her words also rang partially true as I’m notorious for this myself. I don’t just follow instructions, my brain questions everything and it leaves me anxious as I lack confidence.

Another massive obstacle was I don’t take information in by listening very well. I have to read about it and do it. One of my instructors would go on and on explaining things, giving me instructions as I drove and I found it overwhelming trying to process what they were saying while concentrating on the car itself, as well as the road and other drivers etc.

As someone mentioned before it’s about executive function among other things. I have strong ADHD traits and would ace the theory but fail practical tests. This was also down to high anxiety for tests which would throw me off when I was being closely observed for assessment. I found 2hr driving slots (soooo expensive) worked best for me but more importantly the experience of driving between times so that my lessons weren’t such a big thing as it took a while to relax into them at the start each time.

It took me a LONG time to pass despite starting at 17. I had to have frequent and prolonged breaks in between bc of lack of confidence and motivation and the sheer expense.

I know this isn’t entirely relevant to you, OP, as a single mum, and you aren’t able to rely on anyone for support to drive with you, but I just wanted to emphasise that you are not alone and it isn’t YOU. You have more obstacles to overcome that most ppl don’t have so are naturally at a disadvantage.

Have you thought of an intensive course? Sorry if I’ve missed this info in your updates. Maybe worth saving up to book a load of longer lessons with the aim of taking your test sooner. But if you pass or fail, don’t ever feel that you are a failure, just putting yourself out there is worth feeling really good about yourself that you are placing yourself outside your comfort zone for your kids - it shouldn’t be understated or underestimated .

Good luck!

But I didn’t suggest just getting on a bus

I've had a thought. It is expensive to run a car, right? So you are anticipating this expense. Plus any therapy will cost quite a bit. It also sounds like you might be in a village if taxis are hard to come by - we have none within a 10 mile radius. So, have you thought of advertising in your very local area for a driver? You can pay for a DBS check, insist on a clean record, and pay petrol plus time. You would need to know your schedule, so that they knew when they were needed, but for someone that might be a really nice bit of extra cash. I'd do something like an hour a day, plus anything over (at minimum wage) in 15 minute chunks. You may even know of someone already that you could trust. I would even predict that if you took the pressure off yourself, you'd all of a sudden feel better about learning. And for all the townies to whom this sounds terrible - I was one for the first 45 years of my life and would have violently recoiled at my notion - many villages are different.

I read you're thinking about neurodiversity. From from one to another, your comments feel a lot like me with money/taxes/ pensions. Whenever I have to face up to that particular almighty muddle, it's like someone is screaming blah, blah, blah into my ears when I am trying desperately to focus. It is a blank, a panic and a slice of shame all mised together. It makes me feel very stupid - of course it does. Then, when someone occasionally takes a bit of the burden, my mind clears a lot. More importantly, in a lot of other areas I am OK - I'm not a total write-off. We all have our betes noire, but they are uncontrollably huge when your mind is in full rebellion. You've got yours because if the immense pressure you are feeling - reduce the pressure and the blockage will diminish in size. It is highly unlikely you aren't able to drive - something is merely standing in the way of you learning.

On iplayer there is a series about therapy. Change your mind change your life. One of the 'patients' is having therapy to deal with her driving anxiety. You might find it interesting.

Sorry I'm late in responding.

It was a particular instructor helped me coupled with determination. He was very calm, patient an accepting of my shortcomings and the fact that I was very nervous. He did not blink or pass any comment when I hit the kerb. I'm convinced that some instructors are impatient with you because you cannot drive, which is crazy.

I was also very dependent on my partner for lifts, which seemed unfair, and my life was evolving in a way which meant I had to drive.

You need to be like a dog with a bone to succeed with something you are not naturally good at.

Well done OP but could you find a female instructor for an automatic? I don't mean to be negative, but driving an automatic is really much much easier than a manual. I think it's crazy to switch to manual if you're trying to pass quickly. (I drive both automatic and manual on a daily basis)

That’s great. You can do it!

That sounds like a really encouraging update OP.

This is great news.

You sound so much more positive and less stressed already.

I'd bet on your passing your test later this year.

I'd do an intensive driving course. 6hrs a day for 5 days a week with a test booked at the end of that week. It gives you really long periods of time in the car constantly practising. I didn't learn effectively doing 2 hrs a week for what seemed like forever, especially as a beginner. I felt like the first 1 hour was always me remembering what I was taught the lesson prior.

I started learning in my 20s, I had a really grumpy, impatient instructor. Back then, reversing round a corner was a thing in the test and I just couldn’t do it, thought I never would. Gave up. Tried again with a different instructor but still didn’t get very far. I was ok at just straight forward driving but roundabouts and the manoeuvres really scared me. I didn’t think I’d ever “get” changing down the gears on the approach to a roundabout and knowing just when to go. Gave up again. I drove around a bit with my husband but not much.

Then in my mid 40s I decided to try again. I found an amazing female instructor and made good progress with her. The way she taught the manoeuvres made them seem so easy. I failed twice but passed on my third time with one minor. That was 18 months ago and I’ve gained so much confidence since then, and even though reversing round a corner isn’t in the test any more, I found myself just doing it the other day because I needed to, and it was nothing like as complicated as I used to think it was.

For me, just getting out there and practising was the thing, my husband took me out loads for extra practice. I feel as if I’ve improved SO much since my test as well. Things I used to avoid I do without even thinking now. I can honestly say it’s changed my life.

Some posters are writing you really thoughtful and considered posts. 💛

Is your lane placement really no more improved than it was when you started twenty years ago? Or at least since you started your four hours a week of lessons?

Such a shame you’re not local to West London you’d really make a breakthrough with my instructor.

These are the tips he gave me about positioning:

1. imagine your left leg as a tool to gage where your positioning. Your left leg being the centre.
2. if your nervous about your positioning follow the darkened tire marks on the road
3. when your driving looking 3-4 vehicles ahead of you in the direction of travel will help you to align naturally.
4. the car and you are not separate things. When you get into the car you and the car are one. The car moves are you move. It’s instinctive.

I tend to use the 2nd one when on the motorway and passing very large lorries!

When I was learning I hated going faster than 30mph. My instructor took me on roads with limits from 40-60mph. He made it very clear that I needed to travel at the speed limit as not doing so would make me a) a hazard and b) put me in danger.

I’m actually grateful he did this as during my test I ended up on a country road with a speed limit of 60mph! I was mortified. I could hear my instructor telling me ‘you need to put your foot down and do at least 55mph when you stepped into the car you already passed this test, but your actions over the next 40 mins will determine if you loose it’.

My instructor also made me talk to myself whilst driving so an example might be ‘right I’m just going to overtake this parked car, let me check my right mirror, all clear, ok now I’m checking my left mirror as I slide back into my lane. Oh there’s a hazard, woman with a toddler etc…’

This technique really helps to calm nerves.

another point my instructor made was that during my test the examiner will talk to and that I should respond with closed answers. In the my case my examiner said ‘I get a lot of teenagers, and they can’t drive and talk and that worries me, that’s a hazard!’ So I knew then I had to talk! Haha! I made sure to always bring the talk back to a narrative on the road and what was going on.

The last piece of advice is that ultimately an examiner has to feel safe with you.

Lastly, I also passed in my 40s too!