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Partner promised we’d move not refusing

65 replies

ScarlettScott · 09/05/2025 11:30

Ohh I’m in this situation now. Living away from my grown children and grandkids. This is my partners hometown. He’s not lived here from been 21 until moving back in 2019 aged 45 when leaving the army.
In 2023 my daughter had gone through domestic abuse literally every kind. I never knew even when visited this never occurred. When it all come out I went to help out with the children for a few months . Partner could see how much I missed the kids and we spoke whilst I was at my daughter and agreed 2026 was the move year. Im just reflecting and I do believe he only said about move 2026 to get me back. In the last couple of years he’s said won’t move until parents pass. He spends a hour a week with his parents so that’s not a be all and end all reason. He could come visit spend weekend with them have quality time. Not sell house down here and I need a £20k deposit before he will move. I earn a quarter of what he earns. Everything now seems to be on his terms.
He works 12-15 hour days said moving he could cut days and hours down as better job opportunity and pay. We’d get to enjoy work family life balance. Just Easter we visited my daughter was cooking Sunday toast and his words were this will be great when moved just getting together doing this. And then on way back home later that week told me won’t move. I’m stuck advice is needed so badly. I’m lonely and miserable here yet so happy when visiting family.

OP posts:
ScarlettScott · 09/05/2025 12:04

ThreePointOneFourOneFiveNine · 09/05/2025 11:55

Is he your children’s father? If so I’m rather puzzled at him not wanting to be nearer them too.

No he’s not. We’ve been together 10 years. Both got grown children. He sees his girls very rarely

OP posts:
TheBeesKnee · 09/05/2025 11:59

ScarlettScott · 09/05/2025 11:52

So jealous of my daughter and my relationship. We’ll be on video calls and he will carry on example you on phone again are you not bored of her. Even when we’ve been to visit I want to spend all my time with daughter and grandkids and he sulks because of it. I say it to him don’t bother coming with me but he does

Ohhhh OP he is never going to move.

And if he does he will spoil it all for you.

Fuck him, I retract my previous attempt to be balanced and fair, bin him off and enjoy your time with your family.

TheBeesKnee · 09/05/2025 11:57

I think you need to have a serious think about what you want and what would happen if you moved. He's clearly going to string you along by moving the goal posts so you need to make this decision without him. I note that you say "partner" not husband so that should be easier to do if that's what you want.

I note the difference in income between you two but it won't make any difference if he dies or leaves suddenly. You'll need to seek financial independence regardless.

A visit is very different to living close by. Are you close to your daughter? Is she keen for you to live nearer to her?

I am just asking because if you end your relationship and move to be near your daughter are you going to be reliant on her for most of your socialising? I personally couldn't cope with my mum popping over all the time but I know for other people that's entirely normal.

Sorry he's being a dick though, it's not nice to be navigating this.

ThreePointOneFourOneFiveNine · 09/05/2025 11:55

Is he your children’s father? If so I’m rather puzzled at him not wanting to be nearer them too.

ScarlettScott · 09/05/2025 11:54

indianques · 09/05/2025 11:46

How old are his parents? Are they in good or poor health?

How old are you Op? Are all your kids and grandkids in one location? How far away is it?

47 and he’s 50. His mom is healthy his dad’s been poorly for around 25 years maybe bit more. This has never stopped my partner from living away from hometown though
Yes all my children/grandchildren one location 4-5 hours away

OP posts:
Bimblebombles · 09/05/2025 11:53

I'd move. He can either have a long distance relationship with you or his parents; up to him which he wants.

zenai · 09/05/2025 11:52

Where do you think you'd be happier? Life is very short, do not waste it for someone else's preferences, or lack of decision making.

Focus on what would make you happy. If that's moving by yourself back to your family, try and do it. If staying with your dithering partner is making you happy, then stay where you are.

It's not as easy as just "move", but you are the master of your own fate, not your partner, not anyone else. Think about the happiness factor and make a plan.

ScarlettScott · 09/05/2025 11:52

Bunnyisputbackinthebox · 09/05/2025 11:36

Just move...
He won't agree to moving because it doesn't suit him. You are missing out on your family for a man who lies....
He doesn't care you are miserable.. Let me guess he is envious of the relationships you have with anyone but him?

So jealous of my daughter and my relationship. We’ll be on video calls and he will carry on example you on phone again are you not bored of her. Even when we’ve been to visit I want to spend all my time with daughter and grandkids and he sulks because of it. I say it to him don’t bother coming with me but he does

OP posts:
HeatedBlanketAllYear · 09/05/2025 11:51

This sounds like future faking (a term I’ve only learned due to MN!). I was in the same situation with an ex who said he wanted the same future, but when it came down to actions, he just didn’t. And he never would have done what he said he was going to do. I had a choice to make and I left.
I think you have a similar choice to make. Do you want to stay with someone who is lying and stringing you along? There will be more excuses over time because he just doesn’t want to move. If you do, you should move.
You’ll miss out on your family for someone who doesn’t care about your needs otherwise.

TheNinkyNonkyIsATardis · 09/05/2025 11:49

I wouldn't want to stay with someone who kept future-faking like this. How long have his parents got left - decades?

I wouldn't be staying indefinitely for any reason though. Start making plans for 2026 and he can join you if he wants.

indianques · 09/05/2025 11:46

How old are his parents? Are they in good or poor health?

How old are you Op? Are all your kids and grandkids in one location? How far away is it?

WhiteCloudd · 09/05/2025 11:44

What a dick. Move without him.

ScarlettScott · 09/05/2025 11:40

Yes I know one gives up everything. It’s the promise of moving my children and grandchildren all know about the move. All excited then partner drops the bombshells it’s not fair

OP posts:
Bunnyisputbackinthebox · 09/05/2025 11:36

Just move...
He won't agree to moving because it doesn't suit him. You are missing out on your family for a man who lies....
He doesn't care you are miserable.. Let me guess he is envious of the relationships you have with anyone but him?

SummerIce · 09/05/2025 11:33

When it comes to couples who want to live in different places, the reality is one person needs to give up what they want, unless a compromise can be found in between the two places.

Either you stay there and accept you will be unhappy, or you move alone and see if you can make your relationship long distance.