Partner promised we’d move not refusing

I think an easy way to do this is say you are going for a month to help daughter. And see how you get on. And also he will see that he doesn’t get his way all the time. Good luck op x

Being very blunt here, and not sorry for that, but is having a partner in your life far more important to you than your own family and your happiness?

Seems like it to me. Many women are afraid of being "uncoupled" and single again, which is normal I suppose, but not at the expense of family or quality of life, IMV.

I see it all the time here. Women stay with obnoxious men and don't put their own happiness and that of their families first.

Take a long hard look at yourself OP, and ask yourself WHY you are staying on until 2026? I don't understand it myself, but I'd be interested to know what reasons are advantageous to YOU for remaining, not him.

The thing is that actually, he 'can'. He can put any conditions he wants on it, can change the timescale, can even decide he's not moving. Because 'can' means 'having the ability to do a certain thing'. As a person, he's entitled to live where he wants. As are you.

He shouldn't change horses in midstream, of course, because he previously said he would move. But that doesn't mean he 'can't' or that he won't do just that. This is why YOU need to be prepared financially and 'plans-wise' to move on your own.

If you want my opinion he's going to keep stonewalling and eventually he'll just say "No, I'm not moving". And you will have lost out just that much more time with your children & grandchildren.

Frankly, if my child was telling me to just come now, I'd go. I assume your DD understands what involved in the move and feels that she's up to it. If your DP decides he wants to follow, so be it. But IMHO, he won't.

Your daughter wants you to move in with her asap, so what’s holding you back?
I would be packed up and there this weekend, if it was me.
Get away from this man, he’s fleecing you while saving two grand a month.
You can live with your daughter till you get a job, then get your own place and start living your own life with the family around who love you…..

So if the house is paid off there is no mortgage to be paid. Therefore you are paying more each month him, and essentially subsidising him. If you’re not married you have no claim to anything, he’ll make very sure of that I’m sure. He can leave you penniless at any moment. After ten years he’s not a partner at all, he’s a landlord at best, and master at worst.

You said "House is all payed (sic) off" in the post after your reply to me. So you're paying 3/4 of the household costs and he's paying 1/4 and that's it? That's just wrong and needs to be changed. He should be paying at least 1/2 the household costs thus enabling you to save more.

Does he have any idea that you're seriously contemplating moving without him? At this point I'd keep quiet about it. He's got a pretty sweet deal and he knows it. You paying the lion's share of the household and probably doing the lion's share of the housework. No wonder he's lying through his teeth about moving! He has a 'housekeeper' who is paying him for the privilege! If he's so money orientated, he's seeing that he'll have to pay more if you leave. AND will have to do all his own housework to boot.

Have you told your family that you want to move and that he's now said flat out 'no way'? Because you should. Maybe they could help you get out sooner.

Do you have any claim on the house?

honestly I’d move as long as your kids want you to be that close

he can come or not

@ScarlettScott

Why do you pay 'all the bills'? Does he pay nothing at all? Or do you mean he pays the mortgage and you pay the monthly costs?

I'd be out of there like a shot and back near my family as soon as I possibly could. Would you save more and save it sooner if you split the bills including the mortgage? You'd pay your half of the mortgage as 'rent' plus half the monthly costs. You'd have to figure the maths.

God life is too short for this shit. Don’t pass up precious time with your children and grandchildren for this man who clearly doesn’t care about your feelings.

If you stay with him and things don’t work out you’ll look back and massively regret all the years you could have been with your family.

Even if it means you have to tighten your budget, downgrade your housing situation just do it.

I've put yabu because you're blaming him. He's told you he doesn't want to move, so the ball's in your court, get applying for jobs, look at where you can live..
.

I can't see a single redeeming feature in him. Just go and live the life you want for God's sake!

Hmmm...Wealthy parents, you say. The cynic within me suspects he is actually babysitting his future inheritance. Is his dad's condition getting worse, I wonder. Seems like a selfish man. Has had you paying for his house with nothing to show for it yourself. He's used you. I don't like the sound of him at all.

You need to go where you will be happy OP, and at the moment that is with the DD and GDCs.

I would just calmly announce that you have made your mind up, and it's up to him whether he wants to make it work or not. He's been calling the shots up to now, why shouldn't you do that for a change?

Don't waste your life in a place you aren't happy, and with a man who wants your entire focus on him, rather than your family. He will never move, because he wants you all to himself. He's not willing to share you with your children and grandchildren, and even when you visit sulks like a child because you're not giving him your undivided attention. Get rid of the man, and move closer to your family.

OP is 47 though.

This is starting to sound like the beginning of a plan. I wish you all the luck in the world. You only get one life, don’t waste time on someone who has made it clear you are not a priority and who lies to you. Go and be with the people you love and who love you back. Go and cuddle your grandchildren while you can.

Also consider housing association and council retirement properties where you need to be 55yrs or older to be considered. I don't know much about the finer details but worth exploring if it helps you to be where you want.

If your daughter would genuinely be happy for you to stay with her i think you should seriously consider it. Not permanently, just to help you relocate initially. It is much much easier to be searching for a job and a home in an area if you are actually living in the area. Having to do an eight hour round trip to view potential accommodation is a nightmare and could easily lead to you making a decision in a rush that you end up regretting. Being in the area, doing things to meet local people, maybe do the school run for your grandkids if that’s a thing that’s neeeded, will all help you get established and make connections. Not everyone rents through estate agents, word of mouth within a community can get you a much better arrangement. Just get yourself to the right place and start building your life there, and it will be easier to sort out the details once you’re there.

Do you have much physical stuff to move? Can you just load up your car and go?

@ScarlettScott

Move in with your daughter, don't pay the bills at his and save your money to accumulate a wee nest egg?

eta; oops! see Cucy · Today 13:40 has already made this suggestion.
Great compromise for you though @ScarlettScott

I think its worse for you to miss your daughter and grandchildren than it is for him to miss his parents who he doesn't seem fussed about.

I understand why he doesn’t want to move hours away from his elderly parents tbh.

Move in with your daughter and share the bills and help out with childcare.

Put some money away to save and then in the future move into your own place close by.

You can still do LD with him if you want to but you may both decide that you don’t want that but you need to move regardless.