AIBU and having a massive mid life crisis, or is this a sign that things need to change?

It sounds like menopause is influencing how you feel if you’ve not felt this before in a long career. A dip in earnings might seem do-able on paper but you need to think about pensions and a lifestyle change which may not suit you either.

what can you do to get more energy? Do you drink/smoke? Exercise? Sleep?

Nope - you need to push through, sorry. I get it, I totally do. But "giving up" now brings with it stress for uni fees and pension, which means the end really is nowhere in sight. And you should not be wanting to work til you're 70 or whatever at this point. Even if that work is creative low stress.

Especially given you are in an exceptional workplace that is accommodating you.

And truly, I do get it I have been there.

What's worked for me is all the dull stuff - I get more exercise, which is also time away from all the home hoo-ha. I have a good self-care routine (do not underestimate how much better you feel when you make even a tiny bit of effort with skincare, good nutrition, enough water etc - and the exercise - it is genuinely transformational). I chucked out a lot of shit from home that I really didn't need. Have set standards for cleaning and a rota.

Life gets better; these are the weeds. I think this bit is a bit like the kids being non-sleeping terrors - you feel like death. But this too shall pass ...

Just realised this is a zombie thread! How are things for you now op?

I did this a few years back and didn’t regret it. Like you, we could just about get by on one income.

I tipped away for a year doing something I absolutely loved that gave me a small income, enough to cover groceries.

After the year, I got offered a high flying corporate role by pure chance. To this day I have no idea where the recruiter got my info, but I thought it was serendipity and took it. Loved that for a while but got severely burnt out again and regretted ever taking the job 🙈

I’ve now scaled back to a lesser paying less demanding role in a different field. I would love to go back to the small income thing I enjoyed, but the price of living has gone up so don’t think I could afford to.

Best of luck with it op, only you know what’s right for you, but if I were in your position I’d do it again in a heartbeat.

@NoFleasOnMe Unfortunately, I think such is the evil of work. I actually work in a really creative (and when I tell others what company I work for, it's like 'wow, that's so cool/glamorous!') industry on the surface but as it goes, the industry we promote is super glam but I'm part of the system. And we work with a lot of agencies (so, they get to do most of the creative stuff). And part of the 'fun' is having to manage creative people to deliver solutions in real world (so, I'm the party pooper who picks up mistakes etc) and it really is the most dreary part of my day!

But I think that is work and I also acknowledge I get paid well for what I do. And I try to take the wins when I can. We still have a laugh at work, I actually work hard at building my team and their morale so the work day is not dreaded. No one else in my team will do that if I don't. My manager is too busy. We go to industry events when we can, and that breaks up our week. I've moved around a lot in the last 15 years and honestly, I've left every job because I had a bad manager and you won't believe how many of there there are, so if you have a supportive one, turn that to your advantage.

Your hobby sounds great and this Saturday, a few girlfriends and myself are doing a pottery painting session for one of their birthdays and I can tell you we are all looking forward to having that outlet.

Your husband sounds supportive and if he is supportive of you quitting your job, he probably will be supportive of you taking a week out away from the kids and him, go on a solo holiday/retreat but in a group if you don't fancy doing it alone. I've done that on yoga retreats or with companies like Much Better Adventures that organises small group adventure tours for all different abilitites and loved it. I do think a holiday does prevent burnout and give you a different outlook on life afterwards. Don't be a martyr for your children/husband and feel like you have to be around. They won't appreciate it when you do burn out...

All the best! You sound like you have good options going forward that does not involve quitting!

Can you say what kind of work you do now and what the creative thing would be?

I’ve been here almost sold my business.. I was 47 crying out to be heard and understood and just felt totally lost. I’m so so glad I didn’t go through with it.. I paid privately got my HRT sorted after 18 months of trial and error and feel so much more positive and like I’ve got this.

its not for everyone but I took a step back and looked at this as a life phase and didn’t want to make any rash decisions.

Who else should shoulder the financial burden of this then, other than the OP and her husband?

i was in a a similar place and and was thinking the same as you.
objectively my job isn’t really that high powered at all but I felt exactly
like you do. Almost always on the edge of burnout. Things might get better for a bit but always got worse again. I almost gave up my career by but I’m glad I didn’t now.
I took a long hard look at why work was making me feel this way and found that my perfectionism, anxiety and total people pleasing lack of boundaries was at least a good part to blame. I was always looking for external validation.
I made myself an action plan and decided I would give it a year and if I couldn’t change things then I would quit. It gave me the courage to put some boundaries in place at work and I really manage my own responses and reactions now. Hard to describe but it’s like I’ve taken back my power. Of course it might be different for you but all im hearing is what you are running away from not what you are running too so definitely worth asking yourself a few hard questions. Menopause really fucking changes the goal posts too.
feeling different from one day to the next is not helpful but now I’ve examined these things and made a positive decision I can ride out the swings more easily
and with confidence.

@NoFleasOnMe Sympathies! However, another thing to consider is that at our age (I am late 40s), I am very conscious that if anything is to happen to my job now (I'm mid-level, managerial, next step will be 'head of', I'm not super keen on that), the fear is that it's going to be really hard to get back at my current level due to age/sex discimination and just the small number of jobs that exist at my pay grade and level. I know quite a few people who expectedly or unexpectedly left thair jobs in the early 50s and just never stepped back to that level of earning again! It's really scary. And this goes for both men and women. And I actually imagine if it's bad for middle-aged men, it would be worse for us women... Your workplace/manager sounds sympathetic and that is rare. I would try to work with that, but keep an eye out for other roles. My DCs are now 17 and 15 (I am a single mum but has support from my ExH) but older is looking to go to uni and luckily, his Dad has saved quite a big sum for him but one friend whose DC has just selected his uni accommodationfor his first year and it's £11.5K a year (London). But best of luck, I would suggest looking for maybe a week-long retreat or something as well, to clear your head and think about options rather than quitting immediately. I take a yoga retreat once every 18 months or so for my sanity. And it helps!

Is the creative thing that you could explore as a potential hobby? Peri is so hard, be kind to yourself and be open with DH and kids that you need this thing for you right now and will prioritise it when necessary.

If you would survive on one income, perhaps you could look at setting aside a 'creative fund' each month out of both salaries.

That way, you are still working, contributing financially etc but in thw moments you are feeling overwhelmed you would have an outlet waiting for you and you can take a few minutes to plan your creative project.

I wouldn't OP. Seriously, the economy is a train wreck, don't lose a decent-paying job.

I'm 41, with no kids so obviously have a much easier lifestyle than you, but have been in the same line of work for 20+ years and feel so burned out with it. I've climbed the ranks to a senior role and hate all of the reporting, line management and strategising. Like you, my role was created for me, so I feel guilty for being so done with it.

I dream of being a gardener, massage therapist or even bloody stacking shelves to get me away from my god forsaken laptop and onto my feet.

Instead, I've dropped a day and have the gym, hiking and gardening as my physical outlet, and will try to continue to drag myself through my career.

If you're missing some kind of creative outlet could you do it as a hobby or take a class?

Can you take a step back emotionally from work even if not physically?
E.g. you say that some of the people you have to work with are obstructive - try to find a way to not take that home - keep a clear record of what happens and escalate to your manager if needed but then draw a line under it.

Maybe spend 5 minutes writing a ranty email (or in your notes app on your phone!) calling them all the names under the sun to get your frustrations out but don't send it!

While it might sound counterproductive if you're busy and stressed to pick up a new activity, would it help to do something that's just for you in your spare time- not work/wife/mum? Something that's linked, even vaguely, to the type of creative work you were thinking of? That way even if you dont switch careers now you're still keeping your hand in if you do later down the road - and if you don't you've got something that can be your focus and work can just be what you have to do, not what you choose to do/how you define yourself.

If anyone actively hated their job I would say absolutely leave - but many (maybe even most) people don't love their job - its a necessary evil. A good workplace counts for a lot evwn if you dobt love the job itself - realistically if you started again in a creative field you'd probably be looking at long hours, temporary contracts, no company loyalty to you, let alone the pay drop.

If you think you're not built for office life can you wfh sometimes? Even just answering emails in the sunshine in your garden can make it much easier! Instead of dropping more hours (I'm always wary because it very rarely means a commensurate drop in workload just less time to do the same work!) could you do a condensed week or fortnight and then have a free day a few times a month that's just for you?

This might be a little random but having been through something similar, changed jobs (to a much nicer workplace on fewer hours) and still felt as you do I was at a bit of a loss. It then became apparent that I needed to learn to tow a trailer/caravan (told you it was random!) and challenged myself to do it. I cannot tell you how confidence boosting and reaffirming I’ve found it to successfully learn to do something new! Proving to myself that I can still learn new things and become competent and confident has been a gamer changer and has boosted my confidence in all areas.

Agree I’d look to fix you first before fixing the job

what can you improve for self care - diet, medication, sleeeeeeeep, exercise, meditation

what can you to simplify life - can DH do more, can kids do more, can you say ‘no’ to stuff that is clogging up life?? Can you outsource more? Try to free some time..

what can you then do to improve outside work life - hobbies, friends that nourish your soul, volunteering etc

My first thought was your required uni parental contribution assuming in England. If your household income is over £65000 student can only borrow min loan - you are expected to pay nearly £6000 a year to bring them up to full loan. Full loan isn’t enough in some areas with expensive accommodation.
See if hrt can be tweaked. Lots of healthy eating, exercise and just taking time for self.

Sorry to hear you are feeling this way. I'd give it a bit of time on the reduced salary first. My salary dropped by half when I went part time after maternity leave and the adjustment was more difficult than I had anticipated

Just to offer solidarity here, I’m also peri menopausal and the anxiety and overwhelm has been very hard for me. What has helped is HRT and also sertraline. The latter came later and has really helped although I was reluctant to take it. It’s obvious- but I wasn’t doing it!- but exercise really does help too. I feel like it gives me somewhere to expel the nervous energy if that makes sense. I do whatever classes fit with my work schedule but usually yoga, Pilates and body balance type thing. Trying to eat better too. I’m also better able to recognise when I’m reaching tipping point and reign things back and be proactive in addressing it eg I’ll ask husband to step in on stuff I usually do and let people know at work I’ll finish a task by x date. I then can just have a breather and am back on track quite quickly. I still find dealing with difficult people hard but while it might stress me for a little while I am better able to bounce back. Not perfect but better. I’m also thinking I need to find something creative out of work. I hope you find a positive way forward that works for you x

Yeah OP, consider this hypothetical situation and whether you continue to shatter your mental health because the financial burden of paying for your children going to uni falls solely on your shoulders.