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Original poster

Dad wants me to wish his new wife a Happy Mother’s Day

254 replies

TheOxfordComma · 09/05/2025 05:00

Mother’s Day in Australia falls this Sunday.

I’m in a dilemma. My father has asked me to extend Mother’s Day wishes to his new wife (married less than a year ago), but he hasn’t specified what he expects—perhaps a card, a phone call, or a lunch outing?

My mother passed away unexpectedly eight years ago when I was almost 30. I maintain a cordial relationship with my father’s new wife, but she has not played a role in raising me at all. I see her as my dad’s new wife and not as a “stepmom”. She has an adult son with whom she gets on well. I’m married with a 14-month-old daughter and want to dedicate the day to celebrating my wife and honouring memories of my deceased mother.

Recently, my father’s wife has begun referring to herself as my “stepmum” at social gatherings, which feels uncomfortable to me. While I don’t want to upset my father, I’m reluctant to acknowledge her on Mother’s Day, as I would prefer to not have her take anything I do on that day as validation that I see her as a “mother” figure rather than my father’s new wife. Surely her own son can fulfil that role on Mother’s Day, which is what he always does for her.

YABU: Just send a text or card, for goodness’ sake.
YANBU: She’s not your mother, and you don’t need to set a precedent.

OP posts:
ForAquaMember · 09/05/2025 11:21

I think I would handle it by waiting for her to message me a happy Mother’s Day with my toddler and then replying “thank you, enjoy your Mother’s Day with your son, see you all soon!”

Ilovelurchers · 09/05/2025 11:21

A text saying "hope you have a lovely mother's day" isn't acknowledging her as your step mom. I send such a text to all of my female acquaintances who consider themselves mothers in any capacity (mom, step-moms, foster moms etc).

I'd say no to sending a step mom card or doing a lunch, if you don't think of her as your step mom. But it doesn't sound like your dad is necessarily requesting that?

Might be worth speaking to him more about your feelings around this tho, if you can do it in a way which doesn't sound like a total rejection of his partner.

Just say, dad I like X, but I am keen not to give them impression that I see her as any kind of mom replacement. If he's a decent guy he should understand once you explain it.

ForAquaMember · 09/05/2025 11:20

MikeRafone · 09/05/2025 05:38

I’d find a step mum car and send it, if you value the relationship with your father.

if you’re not concerned about the relationship with your father, then don’t worry about doing something he has asked if you.

This is like, the worst advice you can give.

”If you value your relationship with someone, do what they want. If you don’t value them, don’t do it”

Is not really true… is it?

Sometimes we can say NO to the people we love and value because well, we have boundaries and don’t have to do it.

Changeyourlifes · 09/05/2025 11:16

I think you’re skirting around the issue when you might need to tackle it head on. Your dad doesn’t necessarily know you feel this way, he’s just trying to brighten his wife’s day. If you don’t tackle it now, it will just keep cropping up in the future.

JamieCannister · 09/05/2025 11:16

Brefugee · 09/05/2025 10:13

I'd be shutting that nonsense down right now. She is not your mother, and she has never had a mother-type role in your life.

if she has no children of her own (or has some and they ignore her) that is her own issue to solve.

Well yeah, and it would suggest mother's day is more about other women, and not the ones with no children.

IHaveAlwaysLivedintheCastle · 09/05/2025 11:16

Yellowhammer09 · 09/05/2025 11:15

I agree with the suggestion of "Hope you had a good Mother's Day and your son treated you to a nice meal out/visit to the garden centre etc". Acknowledges the day but removes the "you're not my step mother" association.

Why should OP acknowledge the day?

Yellowhammer09 · 09/05/2025 11:15

I agree with the suggestion of "Hope you had a good Mother's Day and your son treated you to a nice meal out/visit to the garden centre etc". Acknowledges the day but removes the "you're not my step mother" association.

IHaveAlwaysLivedintheCastle · 09/05/2025 11:14

MrsMappFlint · 09/05/2025 10:52

But you are not their stepmum-you are a partner or as you say, girlfriend.

Some will say splitting hairs but it's precisely because it's not splitting hairs that I feel duty bound to point this out.

Many women on this board feel their is no difference between being married and being a partner until they post saying he has cleared off and they find out how little rights they have.

So, it is always worth pointing out-always even if it makes one woman sit up and think- that although lines may be blurred in many ways-they are certainly not legally. Therefore, the OP has a stepmother-a legal relationship-because the woman is actually married to her dad.

It is this blurring of lines that lands so many women in the shit. A woman living with her partner is not a step-mum to his children and, far more importantly-she is not his wife with all the legal protections that affords.

As women, we must stop buying into he lie-that suits so many men-that a partner is the same as a wife. it is not.

In some cases, it will suit a woman to be a partner and others will have legal considerations written into their partnerships but-in most cases-as seen on this board-a woman who is not a wife is more often than not vulnerable because she is not a wife.

So, can we please stop blurring the lines. You are a girlfriend-therefore you are not a step mum and nor should you be called one by anyone. The OP's dad is married to this lady-she is her stepmum but of course the OP can call her what she likes.

Edited
Show quote history

The OP's dad is married to this lady-she is her stepmum

Do you not understand that a person married to another person has no legal rights over or legal relationship with their spouse's children?

VimesandhisCardboardBoots · 09/05/2025 11:11

I've voted YANBU for this.

I do send my StepDad a card on father's day, despite him not meeting my Mum until I was nearly 30.

But that's because I do see him in a fatherly way. I go to him for advice, we go round for Sunday dinner or he comes to us. My daughter has always seen him as an extra grandparent. I told him at my Mum's funeral that I never wanted that relationship to change, and so far it hasn't.

On the flip side, you barely know this woman, why on earth would she call herself your Stepmum or expect a mother's day card. I'd tell your Dad in no uncertain terms to shut up about it and not ask again.

IHaveAlwaysLivedintheCastle · 09/05/2025 11:09

The OP's dad is married to this lady-she is her stepmum

No she is not. "Step mother" is at best a courtesy title. There is no legal relationship of step- mother.

thepariscrimefiles · 09/05/2025 11:00

MrsMappFlint · 09/05/2025 10:52

But you are not their stepmum-you are a partner or as you say, girlfriend.

Some will say splitting hairs but it's precisely because it's not splitting hairs that I feel duty bound to point this out.

Many women on this board feel their is no difference between being married and being a partner until they post saying he has cleared off and they find out how little rights they have.

So, it is always worth pointing out-always even if it makes one woman sit up and think- that although lines may be blurred in many ways-they are certainly not legally. Therefore, the OP has a stepmother-a legal relationship-because the woman is actually married to her dad.

It is this blurring of lines that lands so many women in the shit. A woman living with her partner is not a step-mum to his children and, far more importantly-she is not his wife with all the legal protections that affords.

As women, we must stop buying into he lie-that suits so many men-that a partner is the same as a wife. it is not.

In some cases, it will suit a woman to be a partner and others will have legal considerations written into their partnerships but-in most cases-as seen on this board-a woman who is not a wife is more often than not vulnerable because she is not a wife.

So, can we please stop blurring the lines. You are a girlfriend-therefore you are not a step mum and nor should you be called one by anyone. The OP's dad is married to this lady-she is her stepmum but of course the OP can call her what she likes.

Edited
Show quote history

By marrying OP's dad, this woman has a legal relationship to him but the title of step-mother doesn't confer any legal rights on her in relation to her DH's children.

Squirrelblanket · 09/05/2025 10:58

I'd send her a text, it's low effort and it would be mainly to keep your dad happy.

My parents are both remarried and I've never called either of the new partners step mum or step dad. It's never been an issue. We get along ok. (I've never wished either of them happy mothers/fathers day either.)

Simplelobsterhat · 09/05/2025 10:55

It's really weird to expect someone to see you in a parent role if you came into their life as an adult. Isn't mother's day about thanking the people who brought you up?

My mil has a long term partner having been widowed 13 years ago. He's a nice guy and we spend time with him, but the idea of my DH getting him a father's day card or in any way treating him as a father is laughable. And that absolutely would not change if they got married either.

It's very insensitive and pushy to try and 'replace' a deceased parent like this.

MrsMappFlint · 09/05/2025 10:52

PermanentTemporary · 09/05/2025 05:18

For goodness' sake! I think your dad is being outrageous. My dp has adult kids. I'm their dad's girlfriend, not their stepmum. They are great people and treat me really well but they don't send me anything on Mother's day nor would I want them to. My ds's dad, my late husband, died some years ago now. My dp would no more expect ds to call him his dad than he would fly in the air.

No you don't have to do any of it. You can ask your dad's partner if she had a nice Mother's Day seeing her daughter. You can naturally bring up memories of what you used to do with your mum then. That's as far as I would entertain this absolute nonsense.

But you are not their stepmum-you are a partner or as you say, girlfriend.

Some will say splitting hairs but it's precisely because it's not splitting hairs that I feel duty bound to point this out.

Many women on this board feel their is no difference between being married and being a partner until they post saying he has cleared off and they find out how little rights they have.

So, it is always worth pointing out-always even if it makes one woman sit up and think- that although lines may be blurred in many ways-they are certainly not legally. Therefore, the OP has a stepmother-a legal relationship-because the woman is actually married to her dad.

It is this blurring of lines that lands so many women in the shit. A woman living with her partner is not a step-mum to his children and, far more importantly-she is not his wife with all the legal protections that affords.

As women, we must stop buying into he lie-that suits so many men-that a partner is the same as a wife. it is not.

In some cases, it will suit a woman to be a partner and others will have legal considerations written into their partnerships but-in most cases-as seen on this board-a woman who is not a wife is more often than not vulnerable because she is not a wife.

So, can we please stop blurring the lines. You are a girlfriend-therefore you are not a step mum and nor should you be called one by anyone. The OP's dad is married to this lady-she is her stepmum but of course the OP can call her what she likes.

chaosmaker · 09/05/2025 10:51

@TheOxfordComma Tell her she's not your stepmother, just your father's wife. Can't be that hard.

NowYouSee · 09/05/2025 10:46

I think you have three choices.

First, just ignore the request entirely.

Second, look to draft your way out of it, a text message that makes passing reference to her hopefully enjoying Mother’s Day.

Third, have an upfront conversation with your father. If you’re unhappy with her describing herself as your stepmother, and I would be too, this is the path I would take. I would be clear that whilst his wife is a very nice lady and you are pleased she makes DF happy, you do not view her as your stepmother and you’d prefer her not to use that phrase to describe your relationship.

MerlinsBeard1 · 09/05/2025 10:43

Your dad is way out of line for even asking this of you. You are not a child.

I wouldn't be sending a card in these circumstances and I am a stepmum myself.

viques · 09/05/2025 10:39

Why not send a message saying “ Happy Mother’s Day to all Australian Mothers”

I think that covers it.

SerafinasGoose · 09/05/2025 10:33

NorthernLights5 · 09/05/2025 10:30

Well she shouldn't be calling herself your stepmum! I refer to my dad's wife by her name, or if it's to someone who doesn't know her simply "my dads' wife". I do wish her a happy mothers day though and she does to me. That is usual in my circle though as my friends and I wish each other a happy mother's day too.

Can you just send a "hope you have a nice mothers day" via text? Not if you don't want to but it wouldn't harm anyone if you did so and wouldn't need to be a big deal.

It would be harming someone. It would be crossing OP's boundaries and prioritising someone else's comfort and wellbeing at the cost of her own.

There is no reason why women should continually be expected to do this.

IHaveAlwaysLivedintheCastle · 09/05/2025 10:32

snowmichael · 09/05/2025 10:29

There are so many cards to various people these days (I've even seen one to "My ex and his new partner") surely you must be able to find someone somewhere selling one "To my father's new wife"?

To what point? If it's being driven by father's new wife, she's being pathetic, manipulative and needy. Why does she need to be validated by her husband's daughter?

SerafinasGoose · 09/05/2025 10:31

She's not your mother. I lost mine at a young age - we only ever have one - and no one else ever gets to fulfil that role or adopt that title. To me, this particularly strong, emotive matter of principle would be more important than capitulating to my father's will.

There is intense pressure put upon women to 'just go on and do' whatever it is that prioritises someone else's comfort and wellbeing above your own. Were I in your shoes, I wouldn't do it.

As a conciliatory gesture you could tell your father that you'll acknowledge her birthday in some way, or invite her to an event at Christmas instead.

He's being insensitive and very unreasonable.

WhySoManySocks · 09/05/2025 10:31

No.

DH doesn’t call his Dad’s wife a stepmom, and she doesn’t demand it. They have a great relationship but it’s not a parent-child one.

NorthernLights5 · 09/05/2025 10:30

Well she shouldn't be calling herself your stepmum! I refer to my dad's wife by her name, or if it's to someone who doesn't know her simply "my dads' wife". I do wish her a happy mothers day though and she does to me. That is usual in my circle though as my friends and I wish each other a happy mother's day too.

Can you just send a "hope you have a nice mothers day" via text? Not if you don't want to but it wouldn't harm anyone if you did so and wouldn't need to be a big deal.

snowmichael · 09/05/2025 10:29

There are so many cards to various people these days (I've even seen one to "My ex and his new partner") surely you must be able to find someone somewhere selling one "To my father's new wife"?

Azureshores · 09/05/2025 10:24

He's being ridiculous and shouldn't even ask.

Dont let him bully you into doing something you're uncomfortable with. It sounds like the pressure is maybe coming from her and her calling herself your stepmother is creepy and weird.

Just say "no, don't be silly - why would I do that"? and shut it down.

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