Three boys - anyone relate?

I just can’t believe this is the life I have coming for me, no one to glue everyone together, they’ll all spend Christmas with their wives families, I won’t get to spend time with newborn grandchildren, I’ll sparsely hear from my boys. I just know how rubbish adult men are with their mums

That's a ridiculous way of thinking

I've got a brother who's married with children. We've spent every Christmas or Boxing Day with them. My Mum & Dad were invited to the hospital when my first niece was born. They saw her for the first time when she was just over an hour old. My Mum & Dad did the babysitting, the sleepovers and the 2 mini holidays twice a year. Not to mention the fun days out

We all go on a family mini break every year. He speaks to my Mum a few times a week on the phone, every day on What's app & makes a point of visiting every week to 10 days. She gets very spoiled at Mothers Day & Birthdays. Theyre very close

My Mum gets on well with my SIL & is incredibly close to her grandchildren.

In comparison my SIL has drifted apart from her siblings.

Your relationship with your children is what you make it regardless if they are sons or daughters.

Don't fall into the trap of stereotyping them based on threads on here

I felt the same when mine were babies OP, but what I’ve noticed with them growing up is that it’s largely nurture over nature. When there are girls in the family mums tend to fixate on them more, parents put different expectations on girls and boys. When you have one sex, you will raise them differently to if you had both.

My boys are sensitive, mindful boys. I go out with them 1:1 and nurture my relationship with them in ways my mum never did with my brother, I have separate interests with them that keeps us close. My nearly 15 year old goes to the gym with me, we go to the cinema, he’s going away on a city break with his Grandma this weekend.

Theyre being raised to prioritise family, to be thoughtful, most importantly, that they matter and are a key part of this family. Think of cultures where the sons have a responsibility for parents, it’s nurture, not nature, we just live in a culture that values daughters more than sons (ironic given we are firmly in a patriarchy).

Raise your boys to have the relationship you want with yourself and your family. Value them, and they will value you.

I just can’t believe this is the life I have coming for me, no one to glue everyone together,

This is a lot of expectation for one person though. Just because you are the ‘glue’ to your family doesn’t mean your dd would do the same and it would be a bit unfair to just assume and expect that would be her role.

I don’t have any sons but over the years we have been just as close to DHs family as mine. Yes, I didn’t take parenting advice from MIL (her advice wasn’t for me 😂) but they came to see the newborn babies just as soon as my parents did. MIL used to look after the dds every week when they were small and they stayed at their house more than they stayed at my parents (my mum is pretty unhelpful).

we have also had them for Christmas almost every year since me and DH were together. DH has 2 sisters who live in the same village as his parents. One has had his parents for Christmas once since we’ve been together and the other not at all. We rarely have my parents as they will have my sisters come to them and if we don’t have the in-laws they’ll be on their own despite DH having 2 sisters.

We probably do see my parents more now, but MIL now has dementia and struggles in busy environments for too long. But we still see them regularly.

sons don’t necessarily mean you’ll loose touch as they get older.

I’ve just found out our third and last is a girl after two boys. Honestly despite wanting a girl previously I’m actually a bit gutted as I’d sort of assumed I’d have another boy and that’s how I’d envisioned my future with 3 adult men and the relationship they’d have. I honestly think it’s a bit about the finality of it being the last baby rather than the actual sex that’s the issue. I hope this doesn’t come across as trying to rub salt into your wound, but I wonder if you’d feel a bit the same even if it had been a girl.

Also, my two brothers are still very close - despite living 150 miles away from each other. They gonon lads holidays together, nights out, whatsapp chats, on their computers on a night when kids are in bed playing against each other.

I have three boys (i did go on to have a surprise 4th which was a girl) but for many years, I thought I was gping to be a boy mum.

I feel you. I wasn't dialsappointed that he was a boy, I was just sad it wasn't a girl, if that makes sense? I felt all those emotions and it'd valid to have them - but I can almost guarantee that you will forget that as soon as he is here.

I have two younger brothers and I can confirm that they are just as close to my mum as I am - she jokes that even though they're married and have kids she still can't get rid of them. They go on holiday with them regularly (my brothers gatecrashing Mt parents hols, not the other way round!) And rbeyre always on the phone the same as me asking for advice or whether they can pop round for a coffee, so it's not true that boys won't have the same relationship.

It doesn't have to be the way you described. I am one of three, 2 girls and a boy, my Mum is much closer to my brother than to me and my sister, her choice.

We are very close to my MIL and I see her as my own Mum. I had 2 boys and then a girl and would have felt the same as you. But I love my boys so much, they are so kind and loving uncomplicated 🤣. You will make your family work for you.

"they’ll all spend Christmas with their wives families, I won’t get to spend time with newborn grandchildren, I’ll sparsely hear from my boys"

You don't have to raise your boys with those very British principles. Maybe from now, take some ideas from other cultures in terms of how they keep a tight knit close family throughout generations. The first thing is not to think your son is evil and tainted because he's male. We've had to speak about the gender disappointment shown by a lot of MC British women these days when they're told they're having a boy.

I have 3 (just) grown up boys. They are really close with each other and seem to have a shared wardrobe. They are very funny and extremely good company and mostly happy to hang out with us still. They’ve had their dad as a role model who was close to his mum; she lived with us for a while and he cared for her when she was ill.
Having three boys does feel a bit special - lots of fairytales seem to feature them. I think part of the difficulty is that other people expect you to be disappointed by it.

Can you imagine people's reactions when you're pregnant with your fourth 🤪

I have 5 sons, all grown up now and very close to us. Honestly, don't dwell on what you don't have, celebrate what you do have. My sons are wonderful, so supportive and kind, they visit my mum regularly and bring her little presents and treats and listen to her telling them stories of the old days. They text and check in on me and their dad when we've been going through tough times with work and life events. Just nurture a close relationship with your boys and you will reap the benefits.

My wonderful MIL passed away recently and has left a massive hole in all our lives. My DCs spent a lot of time with her when they were growing up.

It doesn’t have to be a distant relationship OP.

We had this all the time when I was pregnant with our third. People didn’t give a thought to the fact my two boys were hearing everything they said. I started to say that we thought the unborn baby would likely be a little sad that people cared what sex they were. The boys started saying that themselves and that stopped the stupid comments instantly.

you can’t help how you feel but in your circumstances I wouldn’t be sharing them with anyone other than my OH.

My mother had 4 girls, none of whom lived near her as adults (most moved to be near their in laws!).
MiL has 3 boys. All live nearby (chose to move back to be near her when they got married/started families) and still choose to spend time together.
I hope to emulate my MIL.

My DH is in close touch with his family and has been a good role model for our children. He is very supportive of his family, they have a healthy relationship and I consequently have a good relationship with them too. Please don't worry, but do encourage your DH to step up so that your sons see how it's done.

As with every other gender stereotype, real life doesn't reflect it.

The closest relationship anyone I know has with their mum is a male friend. He's always whisking her down to London and taking her to Michelin restaurants. He was single for years and there was a running joke that no woman could live up to his mum. I suppose MNers would sneer that he was a "mummy's boy" but I eventually met his mum at a birthday party and she was one of the loveliest women I've ever met. (And she gets on very well with his fiancee now.)

On the other hand quite a few women I know have very tricky relationships with their mums (including me - I'm NC). I suppose one of the reasons we're friends is because all of us rebelled against conventional feminine expectations in one way or another, and this was a big source of tension with our mums. I don't think I know any woman who's taken it upon herself to be the family glue. I think as adults you are your own social glue - you need to take control of your own relationships and nurture them if you want them to last.

I have one son and two daughters. I am just as close to my son as the girls. I brought them up knowing that they could talk to me about anything, however big or small, and they have continued that into their adulthood. My daughter-in-law, very early in their relationship, said to my son, you talk to your mum about anything, don’t you? He said yes, you should try it (meaning talk to her mum). She took him literally, and now talks to me about everything, as she never had that relationship with her mum. I am very close to my grandchildren, but especially close to my son’s eldest, who is a boy. He is 13 and going through some mental health issues, and while he will talk to both his parents, it’s me he really confides in.
Please don’t be disappointed by your third son. Sons can be a lot less prickly than girls in their teens, and this is when relationships with children can break down. I thought my relationship with my elder daughter was irretrievable in her teens, but we got through it. I never felt like that with my son.

My boys aren’t quite adults yet, but they’re lovely. My MIL was welcomed just as much as my own mum when the boys were newborns and both sets of grandparents get Christmases.
It’s totally understandable to feel upset right now if your life is not going to be the way you expected. Give it time and I’m sure you’ll feel better about it, but do be prepared for all the “you can have another one” comments and looks of sympathy when you take your three boys out and about when they are young!! Funnily enough, I now get told how lucky I am lol

My husband has one brother and they are exceptionally close and both closer to their mum than I am to mine. In fact they are a much closer family than mine are, and we go away a lot more with them and do more with them as a family than mine. His parents are very close and fantastic grandparents and we spend Christmases with them equally.

It's only ever on here that I learned about the perception that boys aren't close to their mums or siblings. It's just not something i see in real life through my husband or male friends.

I got 2 boys. DS1 autistic. DS2 hypersensitive like me and we are extremely close and he really talks to me about everything. I wasn't close to my mum unfortunately (as she wasn't close to hers) so I can't relate to having a mother daughter bound but I would say it's more about personality than gender.

Added before someone jumps at me about playing favourites: DS1 is close to me but our relationship is mostly about me tending to all his needs which I do (he's autistic). He never wants to talk to me and screams if I try to have a conversation with him. He only wants to tell his jokes (the same ones) over and over. So a one sided relationship due to his disability.

i Fully understand what you are saying.

From my own experience I do see many more mums and women very close in older age.

However I do know a handful of men who are equally close with their mums as adults and spend alternate Christmas days with their parents (on top of regular visits and phone calls).

I also know women not close to their mums at all and do not choose to spend special days and events with their own parents.

You will already know from your two current boys but boys are wonderful. Three boys growing into adults together will be magical.

I have 2 sons and a daughter, all nearly grown up now ( DD under 18). I can’t see my DD being the glue as you describe yourself, it’s more down to personality. I probably am closer to my mum than my brother but he sees her more as I moved away.

OP, congratulations on the news you’re having a third healthy baby boy! I would have loved a son.

A little different admittedly but my husband is an only child. We’re very close to his mother (and father) and my DC has just as close a relationship with her as she does with my mum, despite MIL living abroad. We model the importance of spending lots of quality time with both sides of the family and I think this is key. My MIL is also wonderful which is the most important thing and I’m sure you will be too! She would have loved a daughter herself and we have a great relationship.

I know I’m not exactly someone you want to hear from but I’d have loved a son one day. I’d have loved all daughters too, mind you, which is what I have: two daughters. But experiencing both would have been lovely too, I’m sure. As it happened, my DD2 was diagnosed with a birth defect while pregnant and we didn’t think we’d ever get the chance to meet her for a period and were informed that if we did she may be born with a chromosome abnormality. Needless to say, whether she was a boy or girl instantly became irrelevant. After her birth, I discovered I’d not be able to have a third pregnancy so, like you, I also have the feeling that my family is complete, which is both a huge relief mainly but also tinged with a little something like sadness (for want of a better word) that I’ll never do it again. But I just remind myself how lucky I am to have my two beautiful DC (two more than many ever get to have, sadly) and wouldn’t want to push my luck anyway. But this took me a little time to fully, truly realise. My mother in law also now gets that relationship with girls she would have liked when she had my husband.

I have four nephews and boys are just fantastic: loving, affectionate, hilarious and brothers have a very special bond. They will always have this I think with your modelling and input throughout their childhood.

Your feelings are so normal ❤️ BUT my brothers are extremely close with our mum, closer than I am as our relationship has always been a bit tricky. My brother has a baby and my mum sees him weekly and is going to help out with childcare for them. They live an hour and a half away but my mum (and dad!) make the drive as it's important to them. My other single brother is frequently out for dinner or coffee with my mum, takes her to see shows and pops to theirs to visit all the time. I think the secret to their relationships is my mum loves to look after them, baking/cooking, always being an open listener, always having a space for them. She never criticises their partners and welcomes them as daughters into our home and family events. She's not in any way a difficult MiL. Just wanted to give you another perspective. It'll all be lovely, although how you're feeling right now is understandable- you're grieving the loss of a potential imagined future. But the one you're going to have will be what you make it 😊