Three boys - anyone relate?

What a beautiful post. You sound like a lovely family.

My DH is a lot better than I am about all the things you mention! Both of us are close to our family though.

As a midwife, I see it all the time in MC families. Dad's mum doesn't get a look in and is treated like a work colleague (you can see the baby in a month) whereas her mum will be present right from the labour. Probably the scans too.

Yeah, don't put roles like that on your children. Especially not based on their sex.

I'm just as close to my sons as I am to my daughter. She doesn't have a different role or purpose to them, I don't so anything different with her compared to them.

Good point! And if quality time between a daughter and mother = shopping or afternoon tea etc yet quality time with a son is sport with dad etc.

I’ve thought a bit more about this thread and realised that I know many women who have fraught relationships with their mums and some say it’s because of their mum’s favouritism of their brother, the Golden Boy. Some are even completely no contact with their mums (and siblings in a couple of cases). If we’re going to go down the gender stereotyping route, I’d say this seems less common with adult sons. Certainly, in my admittedly v limited sample, I have never heard a male friend say “My mum had really pissed me off recently because…” whereas I do with some female friends.

I felt the same when mine were babies OP, but what I’ve noticed with them growing up is that it’s largely nurture over nature. When there are girls in the family mums tend to fixate on them more, parents put different expectations on girls and boys.

Definitely agree with this, have noticed that a lot of mums with mixed gender children do fixate a lot more on the girls- do a lot 1-to-1 activities etc as they grow older and don’t seem as interested in nurturing the same sort of bond with sons. It’s unsurprising if they remain closer with daughters in these cases.

I understand how you feel as I had similar thoughts about my own family and dynamics when I found out that my only child would be a boy. He’s nearly 3 now and I can’t imagine having him being a girl instead. For example rather than grieving spa days and shopping trips with a girl I’m embracing having me time while DH takes DS to sports activities on a Saturday morning. I expect this to increase as he gets older. In terms of the future family stuff I’ll just have to deal with that as it arises. So much could happen between now and then I try not to think about it too much.

I think there’s a lot of faux naivety on this thread. It’s all well and good calling OP old fashioned, but it doesn’t take much time observing community, society and MN to see that much of what OP describes is the reality for a lot of families, the Christmas topic is best area to see that. And even if it isn’t that way for you (great) you must understand why it is a concern.

I think your way of thinking is quite old fashioned and from a time when women were expected to stay close to family.

I hardly see my family yet we live 5 minutes from my inlaws. They do childcare, we all have Sunday dinner together etc.

My husband and his brothers are much more close to their mum than I am.

Edited to add that a few of my female friends don't even live in the UK! You can't assume closeness with a daughter

I'm glad you're feeling better today OP, and I understand why you'd feel disappointed if you'd been hoping for a girl. But the rest of your post is wild and I think you need to take a good look at how you see gender roles. It's also worth considering that some or all of your sons may be gay, asexual, single, childfree... You may not have grandchildren or in-laws at all.

I do get it. I’d be sad too.

but my husband is very close to his mum (not in a crazy MN toxic way!) I’m also close to her and she helps with our kids. He is close with his brothers and they do ‘family’ stuff. One of his brothers often holidays with his parents too.

That’s not completely true. I am closer to my MIL than I am with my own mother. She sees her grandchildren way more and we spend every Christmas with them.
I think it’s different for every family.

anyway, you may get the girl you always wanted through one of your boys! It’s 2025 after all.

I mean this nicely but is that the role you would want for your daughter or even for your sons that as they grow up that they need to rely on a woman to organise everything and keep everything together.

I have two brothers that I don't get on with but even if I did, I wouldn't be taking on this responsibility. After all they are grown men with jobs and houses of their own.

As I said previously, I just don't seem to have this situation in real life where men are completely incapable of keeping in touch of their family or needing a women to do all the communicating and organising. It's 2025, all the men I know are fully functioning adults who are able to maintain relationships with their families without relying on their sister, wife etc to do it for them.

Having 3 boys will be wonderful and special. I can guarantee the things you worry about won't actually happen and you'll wonder what you were ever worrying about.

I get it OP. Women are often the communicators, mental load carriers and organisers. I think for families where there is a daughter this can fall to her. Having all boys means they can’t put all this on a sister. They’ll have to step up. I also have only boys. One thing that’s important for us is my DH modelling an involved, shared load partnership. Household chores are split. They see him cooking, doing school runs, clubs, arranging things with his family etc. I want to raise them to be active partners not reliant on their DW to arrange me see. What a fab opportunity you have to raise brilliant men!

I think there’s a lot more nuance to this than just saying, “Don’t think your son is evil or tainted.” Most women have had difficult or even traumatic experiences with men it’s not coming out of nowhere. So when some women express a preference for daughters, or speaks with caution about raising boys, it’s worth sitting with that instead of dismissing it.

The answer isn’t to feel defensive, but to raise better sons. Sons that become men who are gentle, emotionally intelligent, kind, and open-minded. Teach boys from an early age to be nurturing and responsible, give them baby dolls, play kitchens, and cleaning sets. Let them play freely without gender stereotypes. Prioritise their emotional development, talk about feelings, model respect, and teach them to respect girls and women as equals.

Hold boys to the same behavioural standards you would a daughter. Don’t let things slide just because “boys will be boys.” Expect empathy, thoughtfulness, and responsibility from the start. Emphasise connection, family, and mindfulness as part of their foundation.

If we do that, there’s less chance they’ll grow into the kind of men that people are afraid of or disappointed in.

And let’s not forget throughout history, men were, and often still are, seen as the superior sex. That hasn’t disappeared just because some women now wish for daughters. Wanting a daughter doesn’t equal hating sons- it’s often a reaction to living in a world that has too often centred male dominance.

Raising better boys is part of the solution.

My brother is WAY closer to my parents than I am - partly because he doesn't have his own children and therefore has more time, but he's also geographically closer to them, and over shares everything with them in a way that I don't!

I have three boys (and a daughter) and feel close to all of them. The older two are only 20 and 21 and although they have partners, I don't know whether they are 'the ones' , but they are made very welcome. We are a close family and all goof about together.

My father is one of 6 and they all adored their mother - we spent a huge amount of time with my grandparents at their house (with and without my my cousins) when I was younger. Large family gatherings were completely normal when I was growing up, despite the siblings all living in different countries - we all make (and still make) an effort to prioritise family gatherings - because they are fun and we enjoy spending time together.

I do understand why you feel the way you do - I had a moment of "oh why not a girl so I had two of each" when my youngest was born, but honestly, boys are brilliant and there's no reason that they won't be close to you growing up and beyond.

I’m 30+ years ahead of you. I understand the hoping for a girl, but honestly, it’s great having 3 boys. Mine stay in touch with each other and are close to us, and I have lovely daughter in laws. From my experience, men do work differently to women with communication etc. so accept the fact that you’ll probably need to initiate a fair share of communication, particularly in teens/twenties, certainly until they're “settled” in life. My DH describes me as the hub of the family wheel, and he’s sort of right. I’m aware that relationships can often gravitate towards the woman’s family (mine and DHs did), so I have always made a point of promoting contact with my boys and (ever so gently) not being a push over ie expecting a share of their time and attention without being a pain. I’ve also always been happy to help them out so I’m involved in their lives, again without being a pain to them or making myself a martyr. I have three boys who I love dearly, and who I know love me by the way they act towards me and because they tell me regularly.

I've never known this as a "British principal". As I mentioned before it's only on mumsnet I've seen it banded about this idea that sons abandon their mothers when they meet a wife and don't spend Christmas's together and sons mothers aren't involved in their grandchildren.

Whereas in real life this just doesn't seem to happen. My friends who have kids have involved in laws, my dad was close to his mum, my male cousins are close to their mums, my husband is close to his mum and so forth. I have a son and I'm not in the slightest bit worried about our relationship in the future if he meets a wife!

I have 3 little boys. Let yourself feel the disappointment, you're allowed.
My boys are best friends, peas in a pod, voluntarily share a bedroom. My DH is a total mummy's boy and we all adore MIL, whereas I have a very difficult relationship with my mum. We spend more Christmases with his mum than mine.
Build the close relationships while they're still young, it will pay off when they're grown.

I think what doesn’t help are the nasty mother in law comments on Mumsnet written mostly by women!!

I don't know why you think you'll never see your boys when they're married, my husband is 1 of 3 boys and loves his mum to bits and we frequently see her, she comes round every weekend and he's always on the phone to her throughout the week, my DH younger brother still lives with her and his older brother calls her on a regular basis and she goes to stay with him every few months (he lives in another country) so just because you have sons doesn't mean they will never see or speak to you, I have a very good relationship with her too which also helps, obviously you have a long time to think about all of that but you can have a really good relationship with adult sons from what I've witnessed

I actually understand your feelings. It’s ok to grieve for the life with daughters you had hoped for. But equally you’ve then got to move on and make the best out of your situation with your lovely boys.

You don't know how lucky you are.
Three healthy boys.
I don't understand all these concerns regarding sons not being close when older.
I have two young adult sons and we all get on great, but l also have a life of my own, and lots of plans for my future.
I am one of three daughters, and hardly have any kind of relationship with my Mum, it's just the way it is.
Why waste time now worrying about what probably won't even happen?