Three boys - anyone relate?

I understand completely OP. I cried for a day or two (not the whole day!) after I had my scan for my 2nd boy. As you say it wasn't sadness about him coming but sadness about the relationship that I'd never have as a mother. The best thing I did was confide in my own sisters and a close friend or two who didn't think I was silly or talk me out of it but just let me be sad and reassured me at the same time. I'm a godmother to two girls which is lovely and a close friend told me I was a fantastic mum for DS1 and she could see why another boy was coming my way - stereotypical perhaps but it helped a lot at the time.
I can tell you that after a week or so I never grieved it again and the baby I got was the most wonderful I could have imagined in so many ways. Would I have swapped him even at minute one for a little girl? No way. In the end it's the little baby you get that is the one for you, not their sex that's the important thing. Wishing you a happy remaining pregnancy and life ahead with your three sons 💙

I think what you’ve described is common in lots of families. People will say otherwise but often the woman does dictate the social calendar and it will usually be with her family. Obviously that’s not always the case but I find it to be true in most cases.

I say that as a mum to 2 boys and 1 girl.

Just because we are happy to prioritise a healthy child doesn’t mean we can’t have a preference regarding their sex, especially after already having more than one of the same sex. Nothing wrong with preferring to have the opportunity to raise children of both sexes?!

I have 3 adult sons who are all wonderful kind and would do anything for me( I’m disabled)
They have the same genitalia but are all different
I did raise an eyebrow at comments I had whilst out with newborn DS3 though
“ oh another boy? That’s a shame”
” you must be gutted”
” Aren’t you disappointed?”
NO!

I also think times have changed. I met and married someone in my hometown, married with babies early 20s, didn’t go to uni. Being close to my mum has been easy because I’ve lived round the corner, not been busy with a full-time job and career and she’s been a youngish grandmother with lots of time and energy for my k children. I’m early 30s now and so many of my friends or cousins the same age aren’t even thinking of babies yet, they’re working at careers, lots live 100s of miles away from home. My situation is quite uncommon but it probably wasn’t in previous decades?

Lots of people talk about worries of being second-place as a grandparent with sons, but for an increasing amount of people grandparenthood isn’t going to even start until they’re in their late 70s or so.

It’s sad but this only goes so far. It’s mainly how they prioritise how their wives/husbands/partners feel. They may want a close relationship but if their OH doesn’t then it will be very difficult for them to favour parents over partners. They could also move far away - as could daughters

I got so sick of people asking if I wanted DC3 to be a girl. It was relentless. They're now aged 18-30. DSs have great careers, wonderful partners (the eldest bought a home 5 minutes away and is married with a baby, DS2 is still at home), and I doubt either will ever move away. I meet DIL and GD every week for lunch on our own. My other DS's partner lives with us. I feel fortunate to get on well with them both.
DD (DC3) is 18 and will leave to do an integrated Masters later this year. The careers she's looking are in the financial sector, not something available locally. I doubt she'll ever return to live here.
When I read the stereotype of DSs not being as close to their DMs, I don't recognise the descriptions. Maybe we're outliers. My DC have some fairly significant health conditions amongst them (CHD, anaphylaxis and ADHD). I'd choose healthy over sex any day.

Based on my experience, many women will still prefer their own mothers over their mother in laws, unfortunately.

You only have to read some of the threads on Mumsnet so see how hated Mother in Laws are!

Unfortunately many women prefer their own mothers over their husband’s mothers once they get married and have children.

I always wonder why they are so mean to their MILs especially when they have boys themselves ?!

So you’ve never heard the expression “a daughter is for life, a son until he gets a wife” or however it goes? Your world is so small, you have zero understanding of this at all? I don’t believe you, you’re fitting your experience to what you want that narrative to be. And even if it genuinely was the case, you can use your emotional intelligence to understand it’s the experience of others, it is documented enough even if you are choosing to ignore it. I’m not being old fashioned, it’s not how I am raising my boys, but I am aware of it, thus am actively trying to overcome it, because it has been the default in my family, and many like ours.

The only families I know with an issue it's because the boys and girls are treated differently (consciously or unconsciously). If you have all the same gender, whether boy or girl, you don't need to worry about putting that on your kids.

I am a little prickly about this because we've experienced it from my in laws. Basically dropped us when my sister in law had girls after prioritising her for years and then lied about it. As someone whose family treated both equally it has been extremely weird, hurtful, and disappointing.

It all depends why you have children in the first place. A lot of people want daughters because (perhaps sub consciously) they view them as future caregivers which is very selfish imo.
Surely the sign of good parenting is raising a family of children who go out into the world independently, be they boys or girls. Some girls are natural home-birds some are selfish and the same can be said for boys. They’re just people and it’s silly to have expectations.

I genuinely don't observe this at all.

Most people i know take turns about with xmas. Except my brother and sil who actually go to my dad's every year! Again, I think what you're saying is very old fashioned.

It's not niavity if that's been our experience ....

The only time i've seen bad relationships is because of poor behavior on either the DIL or MIL's part.

👏

I hear you. BUT. With all that said, I know a number of men who are very close to their Mums. I also know a number of females who are not close to their Mums. So I think you are perhaps overgeneralising here.

Just pour your efforts into laying down the good foundations now and building the important family bonds. Be the house that the teenagers like to hang out at. Be the welcoming house - the warm house with good food and nurturance. Your life and family is what you make it, and they will want to stay in touch regularly and see you regularly if they have that solid foundation.

My own daughter (age only 6) is telling me she never wants a child (she asked me the other day, "Can you say no if you don't want a baby?") It broke me a bit to think that she might never want that for herself, but she is who she is and I will support her in anything she does.

The situations I have seen where the male partner’s mother/ family have been made low contact have (largely) either been where the MIL is an interfering manipulative nightmare or where the male partner’s mother is a waste of space who expects “wife work” to include remembering his family’s birthdays, making all arrangements and to boot doesn’t deal with minor annoyances until the wife/ MIL are ready to kill each other. If you are nice to your son’s future partners and raise your sons to be decent, hard working and egalitarian then you won’t have this issue!

This is so sad. I never understand how people can shut family out of their children’s lives like that. My mother in law was one of the first visitors we saw after our babies were born, I was so excited to show them off!
And she came to one of our scans as well.

My husband is one of 3 boys. He is incredibly close to his younger brother and they are more like mates. He has a good relationship with his older brother although sees him a bit less often.
All three wives help to facilitate a fantastic relationship with our mother and father in law and there are loads of grandchildren who get on amazingly and love spending time together both at special occasions and just in general when we get the chance.
It’s more about the types of boys you raise I think really. Sure there will be some women who don’t get on with their in laws and make life hard for their husbands to stay in touch with their parents, but you don’t hear about all the women who get on well with their in laws and spend lots of great family time together.
Personally I enjoy spending time with both my side and my husband’s side of the family and we all all quite a close knit bunch on both sides.

My mother in law would tell you you're talking nonsense. She has two adult sons, both of whom she's close to. She sees our kids loads and we get in well., same for my SIL.

My own three boys see how we respect both Nans, how Dad looks after Nan and buys her cards, presents etc. They learn to be good men by following their father.

FIL was also one of all boys and the lads were all variously close over the years. DH and his bro aren't but just down to personality. Nothing a sister could fix.

My DP is one of two boys, both DP and his brother are very close to their mum and, both SIL and I also have a good relationship with MIL, I really enjoy her company. We live close by, so have sunday lunch with them, have games nights etc. I dont have children yet but I think I would rather have MIL in the delievery room that my mother (I love her dearly but she is not a calm person!).

That said, we have Christmas every year with my mum but she lives two hours away in my hometown so I only see her every few months and she is widowed. Plus its a good chance to catch up with my family / friends. We see PIL weekly, and most of DP friends and family are in a 15 mile radius, so Christmas time has always been my trade off for living in DP home town.

I don't have any advice OP but wanted to say thank you for posting this. I have three children, all boys under the age of five so very little still and I too worry about the same as you. There's been some excellent advice on this thread.

Most women have equally had awful experiences with women. A lot of women have extremely unhealthy and even abusive relationships with their mothers. Still, they don't tend to put that on their daughters. They do judge infant boys by the standards of adult men, though. Interesting, isn't it?

My MIL always said you just love your daughters more, now her three sons are all non-contact and she's really doesn't seem to get the reason why. It's all three DILs apparently. Same when the grandchildren appeared only her daughters little girl mattered.

I also agree that in families with only boys - the expectations are different. My brother in law has a very 'female' relationship with hiis mum actually.

When there is a girl - they would - like you!!! be 'expected' to be the female role more.

My husband and his brother are both v close with their mum and we see her lots! Also I get on with her so I facilitate contact and visits too.

While I know where you are coming from I think you also need to put this in perspective. You could be hit by a bus in 10 years time while crossing the road.

Tomorrow is promised to nobody and wasting time and energy worrying about what life will be like when your children are adults is totally pointless!

I think you are hormonal. Live in the moment and enjoy the children you have - you have no idea how the future will turn out.