Husband blaming me for our kids...

OP I accidentally pressed YABU, I'm sorry! You are absolutely not at all. He sounds absolutely awful, I'm so sorry 😔 It sounds like hell. I bet he's one of these men that pretends he needs to work those hours, but really just does it to avoid parenting

So? That means they were careless with birth control and/or rejected the option of abortion. Both conscious choices, not something that “happened” to them.

Choices have consequences.

I’d like to know what days/hours the OP is employed.

I have a DD who is very bright, pushes boundaries to the limit - even now as a teen. The only thing that works is to be confident that my rules (tidying bedroom, eating healthily, doing homework) are in her best interests or there is a consequence (no pocket money, packed lunch instead of dinner money, phone blocked for a week if homework not done.
Consistent boundaries and agreed consequences really work - you need to work them out as a family, Supernanny used to write the rules out together as a family, with privileges for good behaviour and consequences for bad.

@RabbleBabble

You are doing SO much. I think it’s about sitting down with DH when you are both calm and working things out together - who does what, a plan and and agreement.

I think it’s also worth looking at authoritative v’s gentle parenting - and I’d definitely go authoritative with 4 kids. There is an article in Psychology Today saying there is little research backing gentle parenting, but authoritative (done positively and kindly) works wonders.

I actually think Supernanny does this very well, although she is now out of fashion. Check out her videos on YouTube.

4am til 5pm is including his commute I assume as you say that's when he leaves and comes home, so he's not actually working 13 hour shifts. Plenty of people work long hours his just sounds worse because it starts at 4am.

He needs to be more understanding, plain and simple. Even if you didn't work at all and the kids were at school all day every day you are allowed to feel like you do, we can all get like these even without the stress you actually do have.

Talk to him, lay it out, say you need more support but whatever you do, DO NOT quit your job, that's terrible advice.

Hi OP,

Firstly, I’m really sorry to hear how difficult things are. I hugely admire anybody who has 4 children like you, as I found it a lot going from 1 to 2, so I can only imagine how much more you have taken on and how much busier/overwhelmed you are feeling atm. I also really feel for you having to do all of the bedtime routine alone, that is a lot and the point of the day we are all most tired.

I have a few thoughts/practical suggestions (sorry if these are things you’ve already considered/irrelevant as 2 of yours have additional needs):

• Are there any tweaks that could be made in terms of having everything you need for the school run ready the night before/earlier in the morning? Could you DCs help?
• Could you block out some time as a family on a weekend to declutter/organise a rotation of toys?
• Could you agree with your children an appropriate amount of toys to have out at certain points of the day, which they are then responsible for tidying? E.g one box of toys on the living room floor, 1 activity on the dining room table. Having less out can be instantly more achievable to tidy and feel less overwhelming to you all. They often play with it/use it better too. Store excess things out of reach if you can.
• Your job sounds like a welcome break for you, so worth hanging on to.
• I think you need to be sitting down and relaxing earlier than 9.30pm, gradually bringing that time earlier. My DD (3) is in bed at 7pm, my DS (6) is now often awake until 8.30-9, but from 7.30pm I have insisted that he play quietly in his bedroom/read/listen to a Tonie, as this is adult time/TV downstairs. He does this because he knows there will be consequences (removal of privileges) if he didn’t.
• Get really tough on the children shouting and arguing. When mine were younger and tried that in the car, I pulled over and stopped. We were on our way out somewhere for them, I calmly but firmly made it fundamentally clear that if they did that again I would turn round and go home. I’ve left parks/play dates before for misbehaviour, so mine absolutely know I will do what I say.
• Agree that your DH should step in as that’s about supporting you, I would feel down by that, and it’s understandable you then shout more. Society loves to shame parents for shouting- we are human! Some days feel stressful with little support! Definitely do not beat yourself up about that.
• Review age-appropriate chores for all children. Mine both are responsible for: putting dirty clothes in the laundry hamper, getting out breakfast items/foods, bringing bowls/plates/cups to sink, each morning after breakfast they run their own pants, vests, socks and tights up to their rooms and put them away in their drawers, tidying toys/room, watering flowers.
• Sounds like you and DH could benefit from some time alone, can anybody babysit so you can spend dome time together to properly relax and talk?

So sorry again to hear that things are difficult 🥲 sending you and your family my best wishes.

What would happen if you fucjed off at 5pm on Friday when he came home and stayed with a friend/in a hotel until Sunday? That's what I'd be doing...

Is he working 13 hours 5 days a week?

Since he's happy to dish out advice on how you should be doing things, I'd give him some advice right back. Tell him you're solely doing 4 kids morning and night and a PT job during the day. That's a hell of a lot. He should be helping with the kids, not disappearing off to work and expecting you to just manage.

Presumably his job isn't paying that much if you also need a PT job. Tell him to go get a job with more regular hours and higher pay so he can support his family properly with money and actual parenting. See how he likes that feedback.

Am I missing something? The children are 556 and 9 so in school during the day? How part time are you. If its significant then I don't think it's unreasonable that you keep the house in order. Bed times should be shared.

He sounds like a twat, I hope you fight back.

As others have said, he does a 13 -hour day but you do every minute of the day.

Plus - he might get up at 4am but you’re on the run between 6.15 - 9.30pm - that’s a massive shift too, so you are in NO WAY being a slacker.

Sorry, the last bit: he badgers you for when you’re paid? Does he take money from you?

Quit your job so you can tidy up? Seriously???

You are both exhausted and overwhelmed. You want to be looking for ways to lighten the joint load. If you are not coping with the house and the kids, the most obvious answer seems to be to ditch the job. This would give you chance to get the house in order and have some downtime, and allow you to have the resources to get the kids in line.

It’s quite possible they only planned for 2 and the twins were an oopsie

Yeah, if he won’t help out, why expect her to have so many kids?

If both of you are working, both of you should be sharing housework. And there’s no reason he can’t participate in the childcare of his own children when he’s home

I think people are being unnecessarily harsh on him. Yes he needs to do more but he must be exhausted as well. All this talk of ‘he gets a peaceful lunchtime’, yes but it sounds like he does a manual job. OP gets up later and has more time off in the week, I know this is balanced by her doing a lot with the children and around the house but that might be how he’s seeing it.

Sit down when calm. Tackle one problem at a time. E.g. bedtimes, a plan how to have calm bedtimes and work on that. Then move on to other areas. After school have a snack ready that you prepare in the morning. I find routines work well so as soon as they come in they have x snack. At bedtime they do x, y and z and have a reward chart if they do.

Guessing that you go to work for a ‘rest’ from all the demands of your home life . You’re juggling a lot of balls and are pulled in so many directions that the exhaustion is palpable and the overwhelm relentless.
You are not a robot and you’re going to come crashing down (❤️ I say this with concern ❤️)

I’m wondering that, as two of your children are ND, that you may be struggling with adhd/autistic traits yourself and are struggling with burnout . Something has to give so that you can have some complete down time in the day to unplug yourself . This is not a luxury; it’s survival . You need to put your own oxygen mask on first, in order to help yourself feel better. Simplify what you can in the home to make a calmer space..
( shove a ton things in the boot of your car as I do to create space - I’m adhd and can feel your pain so much ) Don’t rise to your other half criticising you ..

Be a grey rock . He knows jack shit about how much you’re coping with . Alone .
Sending so much strength xxx

If you don’t need the money from your job like you mentioned it was more for your mental state - quit. All of your kids are in full time school? Plan the time they are at school as it if was a job but implement time for your self . This is how I do it although I have a baby and one whose at pre school only 3 days.
9am clean up from breakfast if I hadn’t managed it hang washing out make beds general tidy
10-11 go for a walk for babies nap in sling or pram and listen to a podcast
play with baby / fold washing / prep lunch

prep tea / do whatever cleaning or home admin needs doing
1-3 baby naps
honestly in this time ill do half an hour workout and then ill sit for abit with a cuppa and watch some telly or sit in the garden if nice my husband works away and we have no family support he’s always encouraging me to chill as much as I can he sees how hard it is.
school run 3pm then til 7/7.30pm im solo and all the usual homework tea bath stories bedtime and the baby is currently up 4/5 times overnight

Do you have family nearby? Friends?
Or a McDonald’s that stays open late?
Someplace safe like that you could hang out?
Tonight when it’s the kids’ bedtime, simply say to your husband, ”you’re on,” and depart for somewhere where the surroundings are decidedly more pleasant and peaceful and leave your husband to put the kids to bed and do ALL the picking up around the house.
Stay away plenty long enough - but not too long - for him to get everything done before you return home.
If, per chance, he hasn’t got the dishes done or the living room picked up or all the toys put away and the kids are still fussing about, there isn’t a thing you need to say - just raise your eyebrows and off to bed you go.
Because tonight is not your problem - is it.
Wasn’t a question, dear heart. ❤️
Sometimes people need a “teachable moment.”
Sounds like your husband is due his.
Be brave.

When you tell him he needs to be involved with bedtime, what does he say?. Tell him you can't do it all alone. Its an impossible situation. The 9 year old has to do more as well.

You need to give your children melatonin at night and get them on a routine.

Your husband has checked out of your marriage and checked out on being a father.

When you say “slammed” do you mean he assaulted you??

Exactly.

I don't understand, do they not go to school?
Surely that is at least one or two days a week where you have time off to do housework work, personal care/ decompression or both?