Husband blaming me for our kids...

How is it you are in a position that he never does bedtime with any of them? Tonight I'd leave the house and leave him to it.

I doubt they planned twins. Nor did they plan to have dc with adhd and ASD

So he’s out from 4am - 5am. The. He pisses fig upstairs. You are up from 6ish until when? When do you ‘clock off’. And what happens during the weekend?

you could throw back that if he earned more you could afford a cleaner and nanny. Or you could just leave him for a week and see how he copes. Or you could have counselling. But he honestly sounds too thick to ever get it.

Oh OP, I feel you… I got shouty yesterday and I only had one child to get out the door to school.

I have done full time, part time and SAHM and honestly part time work is the hardest. You have the stress of a job and getting there, pay that sucks, often unpaid over time as most ‘part time’ jobs are not in reality. Then on top of that the view that your job is less important so you end up doing all housework and child care. It’s a lose lose situation… and it’s not working for you.

you and your DH need a conversation about how to move forward. He can’t sit on his arse and blame you.

Why on earth did you have 4 kids? I struggle to have any sympathy for people who complain about their lives as a result of their own choices especially when it comes children.

You need to calculate how many “me hours” you each get each week, starting calculating at 4am each day (if that’s when he gets up every day) and finishing in the evening whenever the last of you stops working. Of course night duties also have to be included. And any breaks during the day - coffee breaks, lunch etc subtracted. And include weekends. Sit down with him and do it together.

She works too though, doesn't matter whoever earns more, they need to pull together.

Presumably to contribute towards life, bills etc?

OP this all sounds horrendous. How part time is part time? Assuming a day or so off a week there should be plenty of time to keep a house vaguely organised, so I'm assuming that it is the kids that are more of a problem.

At that age, I'd let the 9 year old stay up a little later leaving 3. Either do the 2 5 year olds together with the 6 year old, or allow the 6 year old an extra cartoon or whatever while you see to the 5 year olds. Ideally split the latter between you and your husband, but even solo this would work better. Shared stories between 4 at different ages will never work. We have 3 and until recently when the teens were too old, would do one after another stories. Do they all share rooms?

0615 isn't especially early to be up, so I would be setting my alarm for 0600 or whatever every school morning to give yourself a routine. Equally, not 'sitting down until 930' is fine, especially given you presumably have days off in the week.

It does sound like you need some medical help though with your emotional disregulation and overwhelm. I had a diagnosis of ADHD though a few years ago which explained a lot, and have found that since being medicated by capacity for calm is far greater.

He is the breadwinner. That’s hardly “nothing.”

My gosh you are bloody amazing.
Second loop earplugs

Also melatonin for the kids - absolute game changer. You can get it expensively imported online and then go to the doctor with diary of how it's made a difference then they can prescribe it.
And tell the kids to get off you when you are overstimulated: explain it nicely but be firm. You will lose your temper if they keep touching you because you cannot cope. (I have explained this alot but sometimes I still snap get off me, I love you but get off me).
Keep your job.
Nothing to say about the twat of a man. Except show him this thread.

Who the fuck does he think he is? You are basically a single mum, he does nothing, and then shouts at you for not doing it better?
Tomorrow is his turn. He can single-handedly do dinner, homework, bedtime, clean up and then get all their stuff ready for morning, like he helpfully suggested.

Doing it all by yourself without him, his judgement and lack of help might actually be easier and less stressful for you.

Is he actually at work and commuting from 4am to 5pm or does he have other stuff in that time such as Gym/ Pub or something else for himself? As pp’s have said he’s working 4-5 and you are working 6-9 or later.

My dad used to commute a few hours a day but spent just as much time again in the pub ensuring he got home after everyone was in bed.

Don’t feel forced to give up your job to make his life easier and have nothing for yourself.

I know time is a bit short but perhaps keep a diary for a week of what he does, when he starts and finishes and what you do? Also think about the relationship the kids are viewing.

I'm sorry, he takes his dinner to his room? And the kids see him do this? He is a terrible parent and an unsupportive husband. What's the point of him living there of he's not really being part of a family? Of course you're both tired, you have 4 children, but they are the responsibility of both parents. He needs to do better.

When you're having a tough time at bedtime, emotions are at their highest and you're both very stressed and exhausted. You definitely are, and he must be also (4am to 5pm out at work is no joke).
I think you should have an open and calm conversation today, and come up with a list of tasks for each of you in regards to Housework and kids. He can sort their school clothes etc at night fpr the next day (although the 9 yo shouldn't need that) and potentially get the kids to tidy up as well (I find that if you "help" them tidy up, even if it's just picking up a few toys, it gets them going...) it doesn't have to be all on you since you've done the after-school and bedtime.

The main thing I think is that evenings need to be teamwork. He cooks and tidies up, you do bedtimes or reverse. Or if you both do dinner then you do two kids bedtimes each. Evenings aren’t fair on you

tbh I wouldn’t threaten divorce. If you do that and go ahead with it, your life will likely be even harder (all the grunt work and then added money worries).

He must be exhausted working the hours he does - that is ridiculous no matter which way you look at it. Equally, four children - including twins and two with additional needs is no walk in the park either. You must be exhausted too.

You both need to be kinder to each other - the lifestyle you describe is totally unsustainable long term.

It is a really hard time of life. Get the kids to do more.
Having one or two children out with Grandparent, or walking to the park with a babysitter gives the rest of the household a huge break. Pay a cleaner for bathrooms, floors and mowing.

You and your husband should aim to both help put the kids to bed.
Op, you are working part time so should try to have the chilren's pickups, food and washing organised.
Be tough on insisting that your children behave well (and can withdraw to a quiet place rather than fight each other) Make it a rule that when they play with toys they put them away before getting out more toys.
Asign each child two daily chores as well as doing - their reader, their own teeth brushing, clothes into wash basket, lunch box on bench, cleaning shoes ready for school next day and dressing themselves.
Chores could be: emptying dishwasher, setting table, feeding dog, walking dog, and putting their own clean laundry away.

Kids need only shower every second day, before dinner.

You need to be organised with the evening meal. A set time soon after DH arrives home from work. Then you each take two kids and hear reading, teeth, read story and into bed. Lights out at set time for each kid with others quietly in their rooms.
Routine will help you and DH spend more time together.
You couid relax with a cup of tea after the kids are in bed.
Then you do a quick one hour speed clean kitchen, load of washing, prepare lunch for kids the next day etc.
You get up at 6:30 am. That gives you time to be organinsed before you leave.
DH gets up at 4:30 and does everything for himself - lunch, breaky and leave.
Weekends can be a recharge time.
You and DH each get a lie in, batch cook, clean and tidy house, bins, take outdoor excursions and walks, kids get an hour of screen time per day. Organise for Sunday to be as restful as possible. You can't see the wood for the trees unless you stop and work in a purposeful way.

With four children the golden rule is often Divide and Conquer.
Just one child out on an errand with Dad or weeding with Mum often brings complete calm to the home.

I have worked in male dominated fields my whole life. Trust me, 99% of these men don't need to work the hours they do. If they do, they better be earning enough to afford a full time nanny.

There is absolutely no way he should be talking to you like he does. Rudeness and unkindness is never justified.

However, you all sound absolutely knackered and it all sounds completely unsustainable, especially his job. Is he up for work at 4am five days per week? What time does he actually leave? Five 13 hour days is no joke and extremely exhausting.

Is this his shift plan for the foreseeable future? He really should have discussed this with you before kids, but if it is it does sound like you need more help at home, either paid for or by you taking a hit on your job.

I'm up at 4am grafting and you can't even tidy up and sort the kids out.' 'Get up early like 'I' do and sort stuff out

What grafting is he doing at 4am that doesn’t involve getting himself ready.

If you insist on doing the little 'job' you've 'got' to do! Then surely he is doing his long winded job that exhausts him so much that he is incapable of taking part in raising his children.

Maybe pull him up on his wording about how he instructs you on what you can do better rather than what he can help you with. (Shouting at dc after the event is not grafting and not helpful)

Personally I would threaten him with divorce and 50/50 custody then he might realise that being out of the house for 13 hours per day does not mean you can ignore family life apart from shouting instructions about what everyone else should be doing.

Personally I think divorce would make the household so much calmer. And you have the added bonus of peace and quiet and living like your dh for half the week. For you it would be a win win

I would say a lot of issues with your children stem from the issues they see their dad isn’t supporting you and blaming you for everything and they are just reacting to having this disjointed parenting
This isn’t your fault.

There are 24 hours in a day. He is away for 13 hours and sleeps for 8 hours. That leaves 3 hours he is winding down. Where is your 3 hours of wind down time

If tou get up at 4am does that mean you down tools at 5pm too

Sorry to be blunt but if you guys aren’t set for life on a shit ton of money already, then either his career or job is batshit and he needs to change it. No one needs to be working those hours every single day unless it’s gonna be short term with life changing money! Can either:

• He find a less batshit job with normal hours
• You increase your working hours to make up for him stepping down if that’s the only way he can do fewer hours?

@CharismaticPelican Maybe so. But being out of the house from 4:00 am to 5pm must be very tough.

The family can't cope with their kids! That is, or should be, their priority.

Surely, she doesn't need an ADHD diagnosis, she needs actual help with her kids?

All you want is "a little understanding?"
Christ on a bike the bar is low. 🤦‍♀️