Husband blaming me for our kids...

It sounds as though OP works while the kids are at school. OP has four kids, including two with SEN, does absolutely everything in the house and with the kids and works part-time and you are asking 'what on earth is that time being spent on'? You think she's living the Life of Riley while her poor husband works all hours? He is a twat to think that he can just opt out of fatherhood.

OP, what are your working hours? Several people have asked this

If you work 1 day per week, that's v different from 90% of full time

Both things can be true: you let the kids walk all over you and that’s why they act up even more. 15 times in and out of bed is way too much. I was like that, but my ex always managed to get DD to do tasks that even now I struggle with getting her to do (and she’s an adult 🥴).

But he’s an asshole who’s bullying you.

There is 63 hours roughly of awake parenting hours. Plus your (guess) 18 hours of work on top of that. In total 81 hours not counting sick days and sleepless nights and a heavy emotional burden of parenting.

He is doing 65 hours a week with breaks and predictability.

More than one person, including my DH and me have said something along the lines of “I’ve never hated my husband/wife as much as when the kids were little/babies.”
unpalatable as it is, it is true. My boss even said it to a colleague with a baby who was arguing with her partner over pressures of parenting a baby.
I am still here, happy with my DH of 32 years together. Boss is still with his wife, presumably happy after years.
You are both in survival mode and the issue is isn’t what was said, but to remember things are tough. Talk about it with him.
I told my DH re the messy house/kitchen: “It’s a working kitchen/lived in home of little kids.” Because it is. Mess isn’t a priority unless it dirty and a health hazard.
If he’s worth a future with, you have to talk.
Look to the future together and better times.

The third pregnancy was twins. I assume that they were only expecting to have a third child but ended up with four kids. OP couldn't send one of them back.

Even the Government recognises twin pregnancies in relation to the 2-child benefit cap so if the second pregnancy produces twins, they can still claim benefits for that child.

If his job is so hard and important surely it pays well enough for you to have the days free to sort the house and rest, or hire some help, which he should organise.

He doesn't get to opt out of parenting and maintaining the house because he works more hours.

So he fucks off to work before the kids are up, comes home, moans at you, doesn't eat dinner with the family, doesn't help at bedtime apart from to shout at a settled child (so still not helping) and then has a huge go at you.
Why are you with him?
Four children is a lot without SEN thrown in to the mix. He should be coming home and helping. How has it got to the stage where he does nothing?
Two options really. Either discuss with him what needs to be done every day. For a start split bedtimes so you do two children each. Then he either does 50%of the housework or he pays for someone to do it
Or you increase your hours at work and leave him or make him leave. I know which one I'd choose.

She doesn't need medical help! She needs a bloody partner!

You should get up early like he does? So does that mean you also get to go and eat your dinner in the bedroom alone and stay hidden in your room till the next morning. No you don't.. you continue working with the kids while he rests. You get no rest apart from sleep, which you don't even get that by the sounds of things. Your partner is in the wrong and I think you should get help in the real world op, speak to your GP as a priority or the relevant health professional. Things can and will get better, just seek some help to get this moving in a positive direction for you and the kids. Good luck Op. X

None of that is helpful...."hang on, let me go back in time and not have 4 kids...." 🙄

When my kids were little similar ages to yours but only 3 children, my husband also worked the same hours as yours and I worked part time. I did drop offs and he picked them up from childcare. I didn't get home until 6.45 so he fed the kids and looked after them for that period so yes I think he should be helping more. However for us this was not sustainable. We had to both get new jobs which worked better hour wise as we were both exhausted. Maybe see if you can get him to sit down and make a plan for the next year? You are both going to burn out and one of you will crash out. You have my sympathy. It's tough now but it'll get better soon.

Share this comment with your DH then maybe discuss with him if you should split up. Maybe you'd both be better parents without the churning anger and resentment?

I see a couple with a huge amount on their plate. More than most.

Your DH is working way more hours than most.

You have more children than most, they are all young and 2 have SEN.

Honestly, something had got to give.
I say job.
Can you afford to lose salary somewhere?

Where is most pragmatic to do so? This is in terms of practicality of jobs, income, long term career prospects etc.

Whichever of you whose hours are most pragmatic to lose right now, then how many hours per week will you as a family gain?

If it is you- Some of those hours need to go towards your own needs- volunteer work, meeting friends, exercise, reading a book quietly in your own home- whatever. The rest need to go back into the family and household.

Ideally you would both be working (in and /or out of the home) the same number of hours per week and each having the same smoung of time to yourselves.

@nutbrownhare15

I disagree. Here is a link to a good article. I think it shares some similarities but there are also differences.

www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/parenting-matters/202501/does-gentle-parenting-work/amp

I had five kids very close in age and a similar sounding husband. I was a SAHM until the youngest was 5 as we had no childcare and my husband regarded absolutely everything as my job. All he did was get up and go to work, come home, eat dinner and go to bed. He'd watch TV while I was bathing, putting to bed, feeding kids - he literally didn't lift a finger to help. I actually found I coped better when we split up, as I became more relaxed and it wasn't any MORE work as he hadn't helped at all. The kids (one with autism and AHDH) got easier as they got a bit older and into more of a routine with school and home.

I think you can say you’ll get up when he does if he helps equally in the evenings so you can clock off when he does.

meet in the middle.

If he isn’t willing to help when he gets home ask him why he thinks you should get up with him and do more?

Put the call into his court.

But with 2x5yo and a 6yo you have 3 children very close in age who need someone still doing lots for them or promting them - add in 2 with send.

it won’t last for ever but if he’s not willing to do 50/50 then he will have to accept this is how you will react to yeh situation.

I think you need a nanny.

Four kids is tough, especially close together. I’d say to dh look you have a stressful job and are to tired to take your share of home duties yet would like a show home here so I’ll give up my job to do the whole deal hear and keep it spotless. If he says no ask him how he’s going to do more at home

And supernanny doesn't do authoritative she does authoritarian.

Authoritative parenting IS gentle parenting

All of her kids are in school. That leaves quite a few free hours in the week to organize meals and clean the house and keep clutter at bay. What on earth is that time being spent on?

They planned at least 3..even after the adhd asd stuff they still had more..you made your bed so..

Hi, OP.
Both you and DH are exhausted but he is out of order.
A bit of a concern for me, can i ask, why is he badgering you for when you get paid? Do you give him all your wage? Do you have money for yourself? How have you both arranged your finances?

I have 4 myself.
1 is autistic.

Reading your OP, you do too much and it is no wonder you burn out.
The kids should tidy up their mess. 5yrs is not too young.
When they came in from school, I made them take off their uniforms, hang it up or put in washing before they have a quick snack. Older ones helped younger ones.

Next was tidy their rooms/mess/do their home work before any play.

Tidy away their play things before dinner.

Bedtime - bedtime stories was all in my bed and after the story, i saw all of them off to their rooms. As they got older 5 - 6 years old, i played bedtime stories in their room while i went down and quickly washed dishes.

I kept strong boundaries.
That was the only way i could survive. I worked (still do) ridiculous hours as an NHS staff.

When DH walked out on us, youngest was 2 years at the time. I kept to this routine and it was easier because i didn't have him coming in and telling them off or picking an argument with me for some random stuff when he has not been in all day/never lifts a finger to do anything around the home.

My suggestion, look at what you can outsource - like bedtime stories, tidying away of their toys, setting the table, helping in the kitchen.

I understand some of the kids have Autism and ADHD, having boundaries would help even more.
All the best.

Not commenting on your DH because i feel I may project.
But he is definitely out of order.

OP also works part time outside the home. And full time inside the home.

maybe if he was a ‘better’ breadwinner they could afford help with their 4dc two of which have adhd and ASD.

no? Then he should roll his sleeves up and help parent