Husband blaming me for our kids...

I have 4 kids, 2 with Autism and ADHD. It is relentless. My DH is supportive and helpful but works long hours and often away. The one thing I found really helpful to help my own sanity and overstimulating/disregulation was to go to the doctor. I am on antidepressants now (I resisted for years) and it was life changing. I am much more able to cope with the demands of parenting and to manage their meltdowns and needs without losing it myself. Self care is definitely important to help you cope. You need to have a frank discussion with your other half and tell him he needs to step up. If he thinks he can do it better, then he needs to model it for you. See how long he lasts....

Sounds like my ex partner. He was getting like this every day on top of the name calling during arguments, I ended it yesterday. He’s still living in my house though and he doesn’t graft half as hard as your husband by the sounds of it. Maybe try see it as he’s burnt out too and tell him how he makes you feel. If he still wants to be nasty then reconsider what you’re gaining from the current arrangement

Oh gosh OP this sounds incredibly tough.

Some questions...

What's your partner like at the weekends? I ask because it's unclear from your post whether this is more about him having an office day vs weekend attitude, or whether he expects you to do the lion's share of kids' stuff at the weekends too. The latter would be totally unacceptable to me, the former more of a starting point for negotiation.

Why does he have to get up at 4am? Is this a shift pattern (in which case can he switch to something with more sociable hours) or a distance to travel (in which case can he get something closer to home)? Honestly if I was up at 4am Mon-Fri I'd be good for nothing by early evening. And what is the nature of the job? He sounds pretty on the edge himself.

Are you working school hours, or full days but not five days a week? If the former, might you consider extending your hours to full-time and using wraparound care? It might sound counterintuitive but working (as in paid job) more might actually help regulate you (looking after four young children is more manic than most jobs I can think of!) And if the latter, can you use the time you're not working and your children are in school to get some proper rest - as others have said, spa day, long walk, bath and book, whatever you need to chill out and reset a bit?

To be clear, from what you've said I think it sounds like your partner has shown a massive lack of understanding and supportiveness, and there is lots for you to be angry/ sad about....but I also think it sounds like you're both in the trenches of an incredibly full-on and tough work/ parenting patch.

Why does he not cook? Why does he not do bedtimes?
He's being a cunt.

No wonder you are exhausted.

I am a single parent and (apart from financial support etc) I am not sure how your life is much less stressful than mine.

The reason that 2 parent families have it easier, is because there’s 2 of you to share the mental and physical load, yet you’re literally doing it all.

Yes, if you only work PT then you will of course be expected to do more childcare/housework but only during the week days and during core hours.

When DH is home everything should be 50/50, including parenting, housework and cleaning.

Can you tell us what your working hours are like?
Is it a bit over many days or long hours over fewer days?

With 4 young kids you need to both be super organised and lower your expectations.
Its not possible to have a spotless house.

You are at breaking point and something needs to give.

If you can afford a cleaner for the next 6 months then do it.

Create a weekly meal plan and have the same meals on the same day every week. Try and batch cook what you can.

Create a timetable of chores of what you and DH will both do and when eg you will cook and then he can wash up after work, you can do laundry and hang the clothes up, then DH can fold them and put them away.

Do the bulk of the cleaning whilst the kids are at school but teach them to put their toys away before they go to bed. 20mins before they need to start tidying away, get into the routine of them doing it every day and then it will just become normal.
I used to have a big storage box and I’d just shove the toys in there.

I’m sorry your DH is being unsupportive.
I think if you switched roles for a week he’d see how mentally draining it is.

Go away somewhere by yourself for the weekend. Let him try and handle them by himself for a couple of days and he might start to appreciate how hard it is. He doesn’t get to opt of out of dealing with the kids because he works full time. You definitely have the harder job at the moment.

I'd be telling DH that since he's such an expert, he can do it.

Working FT doesn't mean he gets to opt out of parenting, no wonder you are so exhausted.

Tell him to go and fuck himself.

So he’s up at 4 and home at 5? The timings might be a little different, but the hours are no different to anyone in the NHS/Police/Fire service and god knows what else.

DH works 0900-1800/1830-2300 3 times a week, he still picks up 50% (because I do the same hours, albeit I work one day less a fortnight, but do 4 longer days).

You have a husband problem. Tell him to get in the bin.

Dh needs to understand that an 11hr day, incl commute, is not a get out of parenting card.

My DH is up at 530 and often not home until 8, and still fielding calls and emails or online meetings sometimes until the early hours and definitely at weekends/during holidays. He will still clean the kitchen before he leaves as a surprise (I used to get defensive thinking it was a passive aggressive way to show me I was a shit housewife, but I am over it now), will still fix his own supper from a range of quick meals I’ve sourced when he’s late and missed tea with the kids (teens), and has no issue with picking up a broom and sweeping the copious amounts of dog hair that accumulate during the day. He sees helping out with kids, dropping them/picking up from mates (sometimes a they’re a bit drunk these days), bathing/reading to them when they were younger etc is a privilege of parenthood.

Your DH needs to reframe what being a father is and step up. Whatever you do, don’t give up your job because if he ever just walked, you may need recent work experience on your CV to get a FT job.

Aside from that - 5 kids is hard and junior school years are really full on. Once they are in senior school and more independent it will get easier.

I’ve raised 4 kids, it’s hard all the time even with two parents at home and working part time.

how many hours a week do you do? Realistically, how many hours a week does he do in the home and what is he in charge of?

i can totally sympathise with both of you tbh. He’s being a bit of a twat talking to you like that but as a previous poster said, in this situation, something has to give and it’s his temper and your emotional regulation. Within my family, my anger was a by product of unmet expectations. I expected him to be as productive at home as I would be, but he wasn’t. He couldn’t “see” anything that needed to be done. I would go out working long days and come home and the kids had only had crisps and junk for the majority of the day. Being put to bed ( very happy) in dirty clothes from playing in the garden all day etc. I told my DH it wasn’t on, he didn’t really listen. It wasn’t from a malicious place though, he was 40 when wet had our first and he had no parenting idea/skills at all. We did briefly break up which shocked him into doing better. After that I wrote my expectations down and a split of chores and an exact breakdown of what needs to be done every day from “wake the kids, give them breakfast, brush their teeth, put uniforms on, pack book bag, take them to school” to another list when he got home after the school run “ do a load of washing, hoover throughout, hang washing out, clean toilet, have lunch, do food shop, collect kids”.

it wasn’t that my DH couldn’t do it, it was that he couldn’t visualise steps and so would get totally overwhelmed and end up going in circles achieving nothing. I suppose these days it would be executive function issues ( he has ocd and likely adhd).

i had to run my kids with incredibly strict rules which was fun ( not) as one is AuDhd, one has since been diagnosed with ADHD and the other two are on waiting lists for a diagnosis. I have it too. It was incredibly hard and I totally get you going through stable times and then unstable times. That was me. You just have to get back on it as soon as you can.

i outsourced things like bedding/duvet/towel washing to reduce the burden. Got a cleaner once every two -four weeks to deep clean . No Internet/games until homework is done and you don’t get tv in the morning until you are fully dressed and have a packed school bag on your knee . No tv/devices/games in the morning was revolutionary and sped everything up amazingly and helped to keep everybody calm. After a few weeks they were ready with 20 minutes spare so could then have that 20 minutes to watch/play.

Is there any scope for outsourcing anything like washing or getting a cleaner?

Yes he works long hours but so do you - doing the grunt work at home with the kids and your job.

I always give this advice: tell him he can either step up and parent alongside you or you can separate and share the kids 50:50. He won’t want them 50:50 and with say he can’t do that because of his job but TBH if you did separate, that isn’t your problem. I guarantee you having kid free time 50% of the time would make everything so much more manageable for you.

Give him the choice.

so you work part time and you parent 4 DC (2 of whom have SN) and he goes to work but not much else - and then he gaslights you on top that you don't do enough?

I have been there. He will not change. You can only change things at your end. I would start with the GP. Maybe you can be signed off for a little while. It's not a long term solution but will will give you some space to breathe again and and hopefully see a way forward.

Your DH needs to step up massively but I hazard a guess he is one on those men who never will. You either suck it up. Would reducing your hours at work help? Or you call it a day on the relationship and he will have them regularly when it's his week/weekend. You will get proper breaks then.

It's clearly deal that has speaking to you that like. Really rubbish.

I will say that your life sounds really stressful for both of you. We have 4 kids including twins (8,4,4&1). I worked 4 days compressed into 3 (I'm a teacher and it works by me having a short/no lunch and doing all my marking/prep time after the kids are in bed ) and I have 3 kids with me on my "days off", one of whom is awaiting assessment for ASD. I do get how incredibly difficult it can be to juggle everything.

I shoouted at my DH last night. I was unreasonable and frankly insulting. It was not a moment I'm proud of, especially as I haven't apologised (he was going out and hadn't don't things he should have done first, and this morning was a mad rush until heleft for work. These things do sometimes happen if you're stressed. So IF (big if) your DH is being OCCAISIONALLY unreasonable, you could chalk it up to stress. Ok, he's home at 5pm and should pitch in, but if he's been out for 13 hours (possibly doing a physical job) I would personally let him crash for a bit before he joins in.

You need a plan going forwards to improve things.

Do you get time without the kids? Or is the only childcare when you are working? If possible, can this be adjusted to give you some time? More paid childcare for youngest, or a family member or friend that can help out for a few weeks. Is your job actually bringing enough benefit to be worth it, or could you reduce hours to get some time to yourself.

Time is essential. If you can get some, have one or two days (3-4 hours each) for recovery. Do nothing extra with that time - snooze, have a long bath, read - something relaxing that you enjoy. Once you've done that, KEEP having the time and start splitting it into 1hour relaxing and 3 hours streamlining. Don't is it for typical household chores, use for things that will make your life easier on a daily basis.

Look at your pinchpoints. Why are they do tough? Is there something that would make them easier if you had the time?

Here are some very banal things that have made bits of my life nicer:

I made a list and stuck it on the back door for what eldest needs to have each day for school. It's her job to make sure she doesn't walk out the door without those things. I do check with her (she has ADHD) but getting her ready for school is much less of a drama when an has visual prompts. Likewise, when everycomes in they have a reminder of where shoes and coats go. It means I don't have such a massiv pile of mess in the evenings. I'm not saying that's what you need to do, but getting everyone in/out is one of our tricky times and I hate having to sort out a big pile of shoes and bags later in the evening and work out who has PE/uneaten snacks/forgotten water bottle etc.

Each person has a box for clean clothes to go in. I always get stuff clean and dry but it doesn't get out away promptly. Having piled was depressing and the toddler would sometimes mix it up. If everyone has a box it goes in there until I have time to deal with it. It's easy enough to find something if needed. The boxes can be stacked and hidden if I guest is coming. When it's time to put it away I take the box up to the correct room and do it as and when and two of the kids are getting moderately good at helping with that.

Also think about what your kids CAN do. Firstly, they should be getting involved even if only in tiny ways. We're working in making sure everyone except the toddler tips leftovers in the bin and puts their plate by the dishwasher so it's quicker for me to stack after the meal. It doesn't save me much time, but it also keeps them occupied for a minute! I'm hoping as they get older we can gradually add more respinsibility, I freely admit I have managed this as much as if like.

None of these things actually deal with the fact that your DH was unkind and rude. But you might be able to make your lid less difficult if you have some time, and the should be should priority. Talk to your DH about how you can have that time. You need to stand up for your own needs.

In the meantime, cut corners. If it's a bad stage with lots of night wakes only do what is essential. Don't have guests, eat frozen pizza with some raw veg (mine love raw peppers. That was a great discovery! Not chopped, we just get small ones and they munch them), cut out ANYTHING that you can. Prioritise rest and recovery for you and the kids.

I agrée you’ve both got too much on your plates. His hours are ridiculous. Do you need the money from your job? Can you afford to get any help in at home?

he is wrong to treat you like he does. They’re his kids aswell and his home etc. He should be doing more. I’d attempt counselling the two of you to improve the way you are speaking to each other and feeling. If you continue as you are it won’t end well.

Equally I think you need to streamline your life and be more efficient- for yourself. With four kids and a job, you need to be super efficient and very well organised to make sure the basics just happen without huge effort so all you have to deal with is the unexpected things. I would probably spend a week having a huge declutter and making the kids help and understand where things go; I’d set up a reward system so they know good behaviour has a good consequence, you can implement this during the declutter and keep it up afterwards; and and I’d make some meal plans that were very quick meals and corresponding saved food shops ready to order on Tesco or whichever so you can do the weeks shopping in a couple of clicks. Think logically about what you are doing every day in your routines etc and how you can make it easier, less faff, more streamlined; for yourself so your life is clearer and easier to go though the routines.

The way he is speaking to you needs to change. If you both want to stay married, change needs to happen I think. Best of luck to you xxxx

love this story x

All sounds just awful for You

YANBU, love.

Hi @RabbleBabble

This sounds like A LOT - but it’s fixable and will get better.
what hours are you working? If you are doing short days 5 days a week - this is a disaster.
You may as well be working full time but without the pay to afford help in the home.
Try and ensure you ring fence 2 days in the home a week whilst kids are at school as your main priority. Once you have these days ring fenced everything can improve.
These are your headspace days for planning, cleaning, tidying, organising, batch cooking, school admin, updating calendar and some relaxing, coffee break, walk with friend or read. Don’t go on your phone in the day - get your jobs done and plan for the 3 days you’re working and how after school will look on those days.

In terms of parenting and your husband - there are lots of different opinions on this thread.
My 100% recommendation is to PRIORITISE the reorganisation of your part time work shifts and hours so you are alone in the house 2 days a week when the kids are at school. Then all other changes - your mood; your relationship; the organisation of the house and all domestic stuff; and parenting ideas and how you will do this can stem from this break to think.

Yes, as well as help.

The likelihood is that either she or her husband are also neurodiverse, given the strong genetic link. The extreme disregulation the OP describes is not 'normal', she doesn't have masses more on her plate than many. Investigating the cause of the anxiety etc etc will help her personally. Otherwise what you're suggesting, is that she will never feel capable or calm unless her husband does more...putting the whole onus on someone else seems fraught with issues.

He is not the sole source of all problems from the sound of the original post, if the OP can also help herself, for herself, why wouldn't she?

What a nasty abusive twat.
What time is he spending with all 4 on his own?

Have you family to visit?
Pack a bag and leave him to it if its so easy.

Men who do very little in the house and with children are like this.

Those that pitch in are far more supportive.

Unfortunately when you are outnumbered by your children with diagnosises as yours have, it is very hard.

Be kind to yourself.
Can you speak to your GP?

Erm why is his job 4am-5pm and yours is 24/7.
you're frazzled coz you’re in an unwinable situation.

when he’s home from work he needs to split all the house and childcare duties. You’re covering childcare during the working hours when you’re at home and he’s working.

perhaps together you can write down and routine and do things on set days or just get a cleaner to outsource things. Presumably there are some days the kids are at school and you have a few hours? Make sure you catch up on some sleep then, but also do things you can’t do with kids eg organising, tidy and batch cooking. To make other days easier.

also he needs to do bedtime other some of the kids. And night wakings- why does he get a full night and you don’t. Take it in turns.
also go away for a long weekend and don’t prepare anything. Or leave a list etc. let him feel the full weight of responsibility to see if it changes his view,

So you have 5 children.

Honestly is sounds so awful, do as little as possible today, I hope you get some good tips and advice on this thread.

The only things I can suggest is to get in some help with the cleaning and rest whenever you can.

It won’t always be like this. It will get easier x x x

bed time is a million times easy with a second set of hands. If the children aren’t listening to you it’s because you’re a lone and depleted soldier and you need air support.

Home boy needs to man up and be a Dad.

Also if he’s working so many hours can he afford a cleaner and some help to replace him ?

You’re also dealing with a complet arsehole on top of the 81 hours as a third job - there’s no debating that.

You’re a normal woman OP doing the job of superwoman - no wonder you’re depleted.

I highly recommend melatonin & kids sleep meditation. Do what works and throw out the rule book until you’re breathing. Make a Mac & cheese with cauliflower and a shepherd pie to reheat and last the entire week. Make a huge pot of pasta to keep in the fridge. Make your life as easy as possible. Cut corners where you can and cut that husband too eventually.